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Sometimes we avoid speaking up about what we really want with a person because we’re afraid we will “make waves” in the relationship.
We come from a place of fear and anxiety. “What if me telling him I want something to be different makes him walk away altogether?” we think to ourselves.
So we ignore the conversation and silently suffer. But then nothing gets better. We just put off the conversation for another day while time keeps moving on.
If this is you, this video is for you.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
i was recently speaking to a woman who
00:01
said that she’d been seeing a guy for
00:03
the better part of a year
00:04
the frustration she was having is that
00:06
they only saw each other every couple of
00:08
weeks
00:09
and even then he would cancel a lot to
00:12
make plans in a different way
00:14
and she always felt like he was the one
00:15
always canceling she was the one always
00:17
making the commitment to see him
00:19
and it was always on his terms so she
00:22
wanted more quality time with him
00:24
now she was trying to get herself into
00:25
the right mindset to have a conversation
00:27
with this guy
00:28
so she came to me but she was so anxious
00:33
about having the conversation and she
00:36
said to me
00:36
you know how it is matthew everything’s
00:39
all good
00:40
until you start making waves i want
00:43
everyone
00:44
out there to notice the linguistic
00:48
shuffle that happens there where we take
00:52
what are really our needs and turn them
00:55
into
00:56
making waves because when that woman
00:58
says making waves
01:00
she’s really talking about her needs her
01:02
need for some form of stability
01:04
her need to have some kind of regular
01:08
connection and
01:09
quality time with the man that she’s
01:11
into
01:12
and dare i say in love with what’s up
01:15
guys before i continue the video and yes
01:17
i realize i’m interrupting my own video
01:19
with this message
01:20
i just wanted to let you know that the
01:22
early bird tickets to my final virtual
01:24
retreat of this year are on sale now but
01:26
only until the end of the month
01:28
if you’re thinking of coming now’s the
01:30
time because it’s a big discount and
01:31
there’s a couple of extras that we don’t
01:32
normally throw in with the ticket
01:34
so i’ll leave a link here and now back
01:36
to the video
01:38
she’s subjugated her needs
01:42
to the level of making waves and this is
01:44
something i see people do
01:46
a lot especially when they’re afraid of
01:48
losing someone
01:49
is suddenly needs turn into
01:52
inconveniences
01:53
don’t ever let that happen to you on the
01:55
important things in your life if
01:57
something’s a true need
01:58
if it’s fundamental to your happiness in
02:00
a relationship
02:02
don’t let it turn into an inconvenience
02:04
in your mind
02:05
that’s you buying into somebody else’s
02:07
frame of reference
02:08
the real question she should be asking
02:10
herself is
02:12
do i want to be in a relationship where
02:15
i have to subjugate my needs
02:18
so the big point i want to make to start
02:19
in this video is watch for that moment
02:21
in yourself
02:22
where you demote your needs to an
02:25
inconvenience
02:26
now how does she have this conversation
02:29
this conversation is giving her a ton of
02:31
anxiety because she’s afraid of the
02:33
answer she’s gonna get
02:34
and the key with any conversation like
02:36
this like any great negotiation
02:39
is to make peace with the worst outcome
02:42
before you even go
02:43
in make sure that you know yes this
02:46
conversation
02:47
could precipitate the end of this
02:49
relationship and i’m gonna be
02:51
okay with that if i don’t
02:55
make peace with that then i’m not really
02:58
going in from a place of power i’m going
03:00
in from a place of acquiescing before
03:02
i’ve even started
03:04
because i’m going in squinting saying
03:06
hey i really would like more time with
03:08
you
03:08
i really would like more stability in
03:10
our relationship i really would like you
03:12
to value the time we have together and
03:14
not cancel it
03:15
just because something else comes up but
03:18
if you
03:19
want to stay the way you are i’m not
03:21
going anywhere
03:23
you have to go into a difficult
03:24
conversation saying i’m prepared for the
03:26
worst outcome here
03:28
see in the worst outcome interpretation
03:30
of this
03:31
what she would really be thinking is
03:34
this man is right for me
03:35
but that’s the fantasy element if he
03:38
can’t meet her needs
03:39
that may prove to be true if he turns
03:42
around to meet her in this conversation
03:44
and they’re able to have a really
03:45
productive conversation about how to
03:47
meet each other more
03:49
in a place that’s tenable in a place
03:51
that can make both of them happy
03:53
but if he’s not willing to do that then
03:55
this
03:56
idea of him being the right person is a
03:58
fantasy
03:59
she’s not losing the reality she’s
04:02
losing the fantasy
04:03
so if you ever find yourself in a
04:05
relationship with somebody where
04:06
bringing
04:07
up a fundamental need you have
04:10
precipitated the end of that
04:12
relationship
04:13
you may find yourself grieving the love
04:16
you thought you lost
04:18
but instead you should be relieved to
04:20
have lost the reality you had
04:22
which was one of suffering and anxiety
04:26
and constant acquiescence instead of
04:29
the relationship you really want
04:32
by the way guys before you go there are
04:34
two weeks left on the early bird special
04:36
for the virtual retreat which is coming
04:39
up in september
04:40
the 24th to the 26th this is the final
04:43
virtual retreat of the year
04:46
why by the way do we fail to have the
04:48
difficult conversation in our lives it’s
04:50
because we’re afraid we’re afraid if we
04:51
have them we’ll lose something we can’t
04:53
live without and that’s because we’re
04:54
afraid that our life
04:56
as it is right now won’t be enough to go
04:58
back to it will
04:59
if we build it and if we build our
05:01
confidence to the strongest it’s ever
05:02
been
05:03
we can lose anything in life and still
05:05
be okay
05:06
more than okay happy and if we know that
05:08
we’re happy how we are
05:10
in who we are with the confidence we
05:12
have right now we can say no to
05:14
anything that’s wrong we will never
05:16
settle in our lives
05:17
that’s what we do on the virtual retreat
05:19
it’s not about your love life it’s about
05:21
you and the you that you bring to this
05:24
life
05:25
i hope you join us this deal is only for
05:27
the next two weeks
05:28
i’ll leave a link here if you’re even
05:30
thinking about the virtual retreat
05:32
now is the time to do it i’ll see you
05:36
there
05:51
you
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video