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Nicholas’s earliest sexual experiences were the opposite of what they should have been: violent and traumatic. While this could’ve understandably derailed anyone’s path in life, Nicholas found strength and recovery through therapy and came away with valuable lessons – the importance of boundaries and the need to assert yourself, no matter who you’re dealing with.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
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[Music]
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my name is Nicholas and I am from Orange
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County California so when I was fourteen
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or sophomore year of high school
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whichever came first I came out to my
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mom first off as the bisexual and then
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eventually has a flaming homosexual it
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wasn’t necessarily a fully antagonistic
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reaction that my mom gave me but it
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wasn’t positive and we did fight over
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the next year’s years over it I wasn’t
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gonna come out to my dad until I was
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financially independent and out of
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caught in college and away from my house
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right around that time I had access to
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an iPhone and had downloaded the apps
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like Grindr and jacked and one of my
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first ever sexual experiences or the
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first people that came over to my house
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was significantly older at least by 20
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or 30 years so when I invited him into
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my house we no one was home and we were
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in my bed and stuff started happening he
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proceeded to try and enter me eventually
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and he was very big and I told him that
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and I also told him that I was in pain
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and he just told me that it wouldn’t
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like I would feel better and that it
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would I will get used to it
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that preceeded for a little bit I would
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tell him that it would still hurt and it
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would continue with it’s gonna be fine
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and eventually we moved on to other
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stuff I didn’t stop him right there
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after he had left I remember it being a
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very out-of-body experience where like I
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kind of told myself I was like this
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isn’t what I think it is this didn’t
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happen like this wasn’t rape like this
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can’t have been raped
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it wasn’t violent I wasn’t punched
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around or anything I gave some consent a
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similar event happened when I had moved
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away for college so at this point I had
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moved to New York to be in a military
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program for school for college my
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freshman year
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I had known this upperclassman and him
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and I had met before even me going to
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the school so he was someone that I did
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know and had had sex with so one of the
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free weekends that we get I decided to
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take off and he decided to take off with
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me so he went off into the city got a
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hotel room the second night he got drunk
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and I didn’t he started trying to have
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sex with me and I was in no mood which I
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told him so so he reached for my wrist
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held on to it I proceeded to
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emphatically say no and this went on for
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about a minute body weight on me hand on
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the wrist before he huffed and got off
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of me and laid on the other side of the
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bed welcome the next day and similar to
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the first time we I pretended that
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nothing had happened and we went on to
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our daily lives gradually my performance
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for a variety of reasons but this
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definitely affected it started to
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decline while I was at the academy when
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I entered my second year I tried to
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re-establish contact with the second
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gentleman so that my upperclassmen and
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tins dig at sex again when that first
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the experience had happened with him in
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the hotel I was trying to tell myself
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that this he wasn’t a bad person it was
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just that he was drunk I invited him
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over to my room and then started to
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instigate stuff again and I specifically
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told him we’re not gonna do anything
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penetrative it’s gonna be just anything
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but that and then he tried to enter me I
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said no I told you I did not want that
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get out of my room which he did after
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that classes started happening again
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business as usual one of my friends at
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school tried to hurt themselves and
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after that I just started to gradually
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decline and it got to a point where my
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superiors had to get involved and so
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made me into the process of getting
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mental health help and getting therapy
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so I left spent a semester back at home
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so eventually I got fully processed out
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of that specific school the therapist I
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was chatting with helped me further
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understand the fact that one of my major
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issues was that I had an issue with
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boundaries because one of my first
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formative sexual experiences was so
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traumatic I didn’t fully register what I
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was dealing with her like the boundaries
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that were necessary for me during the
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course of therapy and outside of when I
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was outside of school I came across the
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realization that I had like I had
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violated someone else’s boundaries I had
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gone home and met up with someone that
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who was an underclassman in high school
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at the time and then had invited him to
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my house and we chatted I proceeded to
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hug him from the back and then when we
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were facing each other I went in to kiss
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him and he pulled back and again we did
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not talk about it it was something that
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I for me at the time it was just a shame
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of reading the signs wrongly because of
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my my therapy I had realized that maybe
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even though it might not have been the
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as violent as what I had experienced it
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could have been equally as traumatic and
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that began to that began to weigh down
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on me very heavily it was a small
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thought that just gradually started to
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get bigger and bigger in my mind over
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the course of a year so I reached out to
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him over text and he decided to meet
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with me when I was back in town when we
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did and when we met at a coffee shop we
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caught up and then I started off the
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conversation by stating I don’t know if
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you remember this but I went in for a
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kiss with you and I don’t know if that
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has affected you or not if it had
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started to weigh on my mind
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and I wanted to apologize if it has
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affected you like I think it has started
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to tell me that he initially did not
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want to meet up with me because it had
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affected him because I was someone that
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wasn’t upperclassmen and was someone
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that he was someone that he trusted and
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look up to as someone who was doing
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things for himself to move forward in
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life and that it meant a lot to him that
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I had reached out and said something to
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him and made the effort to apologize he
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didn’t cry because I he processed it but
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I told him this bawling by stating I’ve
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affected you and you were someone that I
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would I had hoped the best for you were
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someone that I had positive memories and
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only good wills for so the fact that I
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not someone else and no stranger but
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that I had hurt you is gonna be
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something that I’m gonna have to bear
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for the rest of my life after
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approaching that there gentlemen and
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having that we lifted off my shoulders I
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began I began to take that feeling and
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that strong lesson with me into future
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sexual encounters or just friendships
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that I had I am a lot happier now that
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I’ve done this work I still have dark
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days but more often than not I am happy
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by lifting this mental weight off my
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shoulders I am more willing to empathize
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and match my parents who are still not
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completely comfortable with my sexuality
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our relationship is still in its infancy
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in that of meat in my gayness and just
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in general with me growing and my family
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growing with me I assure the story
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because hopefully it helps someone in
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any capacity to not experience the pain
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that I did I have no problems with you
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if you see me approaching me or talking
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to me about it
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but I would ask that if you know me
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respect my parents privacy and my
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family’s privacy don’t approach them
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don’t ask them about it because it would
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be something that’s between
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minou if you want to discuss it further
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but I
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I want to retain this relationship that
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I have with my family the lessons that I
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learned on boundaries from sex do carry
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on into just business and family life as
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well the more I thought about what I
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will was willing to learn on and what I
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was not willing to deal with I became a
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much more calm person
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[Music]
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This post was previously published on YouTube and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video