We all know marriage evolves…as we do
For me, marriage is designed to be monogamous.
Before labeling me an old-fashioned nutjob, I’m profoundly open-minded, about alternate relationships like open marriages, swinging, and cheating….but this is not that article, nor my personal preference.
My proposition is clear: Marriage is a conscious trade-off where you acknowledge you have temptations and desires but CHOOSE not to act on them.
In a strange sense, everyone’s in on the dirty little monogamy secret.
We know we’re humans with strong desires who can fall in love with more than one….but we choose just one person…and stick to them…through Hell and high water.
If you cheat it’s over
This assumes when you commit to marriage, you are serious about dealing with temptation in a way that doesn’t pull you away and ruin the union.
I recognize there are millions of couples who literally swear to God if the other one cheats they’re gone…yet they stay anyway.
Some judge these couples as hypocritical, two-faced, or too weak to move on.
That’s unfair.
I’m old school, but not closed-minded. I am all for consenting adults expressing their love with whomever they wish, with whatever rules they make up.
It’s just that I believe once you sleep with someone outside of the marriage that’s the point of no return.
I know my counseling friends will crucify me over this viewpoint, and I know some couples do indeed “recover,” from betrayal, but I deeply and sincerely believe that cheating signifies the end of a marriage…or relationship.
Straw man argument
Why can’t we be honest with each other about our human desires as they evolve over time?
We all know sex is part of our animalistic, biological predisposition…and it’s normal to want to have it with different people over our lifetime.
Why say things like, “I only have eyes for you,” or “I would never dream of having sex with anyone other than you.”
Why do we pretend that marriage is only successful if two people genuinely, wholeheartedly, and uncompromisingly feel exactly the same way they felt on their honeymoon….every day of their whole lives?
It’s a straw man argument and distorts the point.
Of course, we’d like to feel we’re on our honeymoons forever, but we’re not. Marriages evolve. People grow and change.
Marriage is successful during the honeymoon stage, after the honeymoon stage, and through the I’m-bored-with-you stage — if you absolutely insist on it.
We’re afraid
I recognize many people would indeed, be “okay” with their spouse cheating. They contextualize the experience and try to move on…get even…or both.
Some think if we convincingly go through the motions and say the right things, it’ll be just as good.
And to some extent, I agree.
Comfort, security, children, family, warmth, discipline…love
I’m not suggesting you plaster a fake smile on your face and pretend to love your husband or wife.
I’m not suggesting you give up having sex with your spouse because it’s too predictable or boring.
I am strongly suggesting in addition to sex (regardless of whether it’s earth-shattering) there are many aspects of a marriage that are magically wonderful and beautiful and make resisting temptation worth it.
Because we humans are the only species capable of developing profoundly deep connections and partnerships — they are worthless without genuine trust.
How do you quantify the joy of having someone by your side as your friend, companion, defender, lover, and ride or die?
How valuable is it to secure a home, have children, get cozy on a cold winter’s night knowing you’re part of a team, a partnership, a family?
When you don’t feel well, is there any deeper comfort than a caring spouse and family?
Just say yes to only your spouse
What’s wrong with white-knuckling it through life’s sexual temptations and remaining loyal because it’s the right thing to do?
Nothing. In a crude way that’s what I’m saying.
I’m suggesting a new mindset.
An acceptance that there is a trade-off — and it’s worth it.
The trade-off
The trade-off is simple.
Acknowledge a marriage is going to evolve and it’s normal to crave romance and sex with other people.
But also acknowledge and quantify the joys and benefits of building a life with someone and sticking with them…overcoming all temptation.
I’m no moralist or puritan. We all fall short. I’m not judging or suggesting alternative relationship lifestyles are any less valuable for those who enjoy them.
It is within that context I categorically claim there can be no sex outside marriage if it’s going to last — for me.
Summary
Am I being too rigid and unadaptable? Maybe.
But I feel the way I feel.
Will I find a woman who feels the same way? Maybe.
Will she cheat on me, or me on her.
I hope not.
I am still in love with the idea of a permanent, everlasting, love. And then pouring my life into it, day-by-day, year-by-year, forever, monogamously.
I know it’s a long shot….but a man can dream.
In the meanwhile, it’s not like I’m a nubile virgin, being single can be fun…and sometimes lead to striking a deal…a partnership, a life-long love.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Luigi Pozzoli on Unsplash