Sex & Relationships

When I was twenty I felt very strongly that I never wanted to be married. Part of that was knowing in the early ‘90’s I never would be married. Part of that was also not wanting the same relationships I had seen examples of in my life.

When I say I knew I would never be married I felt two things. Before I came out, I knew I wasn’t going to marry a woman. And in the 1990’s that’s what marriage was. It was a cis—-heteronormative institution. I knew I would never be allowed in that club (nor was I going to be a part).

The second thing I felt was that I couldn’t see (and didn’t want) a relationship like the straight relationships I had seen. They were stuck in the 1950’s. There were gender roles that I saw some women struggling to break out of. There were gender roles required by some men that, as I watched them grapple with what it meant to be men, required more machismo than a leather bar.

In my growing queer mind I couldn’t see my relationship. I didn’t have a role model to know if I was the wife or the husband or what I was. And I didn’t have the experience or tools to know I could make my own rules and my own labels.

Queer Assimilation

So our marriages need to be seen through a queer lens. Our marriages need to be visibly queer. They must be queer because there is no other way.

When a same sex couple or a polyamourous throuple or whatever your queer relationship looks like gets together, you’re making your own rules. There is no roadmap for how things should be. There are no expectations.

I take that back, the expectation is failure. I say failure because queer marriage is seen as throw away. Like it’s not a real thing. Or it’s a fling. And maybe it’s a passing phase.

For a long time queer advocates have fought for the right to be just like everyone else (Heteronormative culture). And I think that’s a cultural implication that is the outcome of a lot of queer marriage visibility.

I Am What I Am

The history of queerness is honored in our acknowledgement and respect of those that unapologetically came before us. In most recent history you might think of Stonewall, the leaders who created ACT UP, Keith Herring, and Larry Kramer.

Owning our queerness is a way to show that respect. Allowing queerness to be our superpower is heroic. And shining that light so that our marriages are queer marriages is a bold move that invites others into our lives.

Once we make bold moves and be as queer as we can be today, the less others will have to do so tomorrow. The more Harvey Milk was seen without fear in a parade the easier it is for my husband and I to walk down the street.

And today, that the governor of Colorado is the first out gay governor with his first husband at his side puts queer marriage front and center. They’re visibly queer. They are honoring their relationship in a public office. This visibility, this “loudness,” creates normalcy for those who come after them. And it creates safety for those who are watching.

The Queer Marriage Journey

The majority of tarot readings I do are about relationships. Sometimes they’re about work peers. They may be about family members. But more often than not, they’re about meeting “the one.”

The road we take as queer people to finding our partners is a challenge. It’s harder than our straight counterparts. The bullying, the potential of being disowned, the greater rejection, our religious indoctrination, is all intensified in the elementary and high school experience. Then we go off on our own and it gets even worse.

Our path to love is uniquely and wholly our own. There were less role models in the ‘90’s, but there’s still not a ton now. Our navigation in the world is always through a queer lens whether we acknowledge it or not. So things are already queer. They’re already “different.”

Let’s keep the queerness in our marriage. It keeps us strong. Queer marriage means our unions are everything we want them to be right now. It keeps our marriages on the forefront of what love is.