Cheated on exes share emotional stories from the pain of relationship betrayal, and reveal just how much, and how many, cheating really hurts.
When two people fall in love, it is supposed to be beautiful, something to be shared with friends and family. Except when it’s not. Except when it’s cheating. And yet, people cheat, and justify it all the time. “It just happened,” they say. Affairs with married people don’t just happen. They are orchestrated. They are sneaky with secret texts and phone calls, and lying. Car accidents just happen, lightning strikes, and the norovirus on cruise ships, those just happen. But we control our behavior. We may have feelings for another person, but we control what we do. We don’t have to sneak off, we don’t have to lie, we don’t have to go to work when we’ll see her alone, or end up outside his office when it’s the perfect time to go for a drink. We are adults. It’s not just about us. It’s about our family. It’s about our husbands and wives and significant others, and our children. It’s about those on whom we are cheating.
Ending a relationship is not easy, but when you add cheating to the mix, you add a complex dimension of pain for the other party, and the kids if there are any, as well as confusion and a possible lifetime of additional emotional issues. If children meet a new girlfriend or boyfriend early on in the affair/relationship this can be particularly traumatic, especially if the new relationship doesn’t last.
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In a recent article on this site, I wrote about avoiding temptation. Being with someone who was once married to another does not have to harm another. However, you are responsible for how you get there. Do you know you want this person? Do you know it’s wrong because they are married? Then back off. If that’s hard because you work together, ask for a transfer, get a new job, or see a therapist. Try not to be alone with the person. Do something to calm the visceral urge.
You can use all the clichéd rationalizations you want to excuse your behavior such as: It just happened, their marriage was over anyway, they had fallen out of love, they were going to get divorced eventually, we didn’t mean to hurt anyone, true love cannot be stopped, and on and on, but the fact is, as humans, we have the capacity to control ourselves. So do it. Because, your actions impact others.
Here are some honest words directly from those who were hurt. Some of this pain is years old, and yet still hurts. Some is new, and it rages like a storm. Cheating made ending these relationships, many with children involved, that much more difficult, and full of anger, feelings of self-loathing, depression, and failure. Divorce is one of the hardest things a person can go through in life. Add betrayal, and you have compounded the pain and recovery process.
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When I found pages of texts and phone calls between my ex and a woman he worked with it was like I was being gutted. I felt like my insides has been ripped from my body. I was crippled by pain for months, often crying in the shower until the water had long grown cold. I thought about suicide. I thought about running away. I thought about doing anything to stop hurting. It was, and still is, the most pain I have ever endured. – D
What made this affair even more difficult was that my partner cheated with a man who was a mutual friend, and a co-worker of hers.
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Two long-term relationships ended as a result of cheating. One was a sexual affair, the other was more deceptive. At first, the sexual affair was extremely painful. It was immediately clear that incident marked the relationship’s end. I suspected the emotional affair months before I discovered the truth. As a result of that betrayal, I developed trust issues, and anxiety and hyper-caution with new relationships. These feelings were stronger and lasted much longer than the pain I felt after the sexual affair. What made this affair even more difficult was that my partner cheated with a man who was a mutual friend, and a co-worker of hers. It is still painful to think about and serves as a reminder to be on alert. – Paul
I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough. I wondered what she had that I didn’t have and drove myself crazy comparing myself to her. I felt stupid for being so easily led and being so naive. –Alison
When I finally learned the truth, it was the darkest time of my life. I felt like a failure.
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I eventually realized my wife had been cheating on me for years, with both men and women. We were together for 17 years, since we were 19, and I just couldn’t believe the complete disregard for our history, the deception, and the perversion. When I finally learned the truth, it was the darkest time of my life. I felt like a failure. There is something very masculine about having your family intact and feeling like you take care of them, and all of a sudden, for the first time in my adult life, I didn’t have it any more, and I didn’t have my most important emotional connection. I really never had it. I will say, I never felt inferior to the other men, because I had the moral high ground. I just had to come to terms with nothing being what it seemed, and the person who I trusted and relied on the most not really existing. – Kevin
You said things weren’t right, but you never worked on fixing them. I made excuses for you. Life is hard. You have so much on your plate. But the fun and carefree version of you was still there. In the text to her on your phone. Flirty. Sexy. A mutual understanding that we were no longer in love would have been one thing. Heartbreaking, and not what I had hoped for when I said “til’ Death do us part.” But the lying and disrespect, the carrying on with someone else as I sat at home feeding, bathing, and caring for our children, is something I’m not sure I will fully recover from. People can fall in and out of love. Having my trust completely obliterated in one small glance on your phone has crushed me a thousand times more than any lost love of my past. And I don’t know how to repair it. – A
We could have ended our marriage amicably, stayed friends and given our kids a healthy transition, but you chose a different path.
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I want you to know that it wasn’t the cheating that hurt me so much, it was that you refused to tell me the truth. The betrayal after 20 years of being best friends is just too hard for me to comprehend. We could have ended our marriage amicably, stayed friends and given our kids a healthy transition, but you chose a different path. I am reminded of my disappointment in you every time I see the pain in our children’s eyes – Jennifer
Three years post divorce, the emotional pain of losing the man I thought you were has faded. I no longer wish to be with you, but there is a jab every once in a while when I see a family, and I wonder why that couldn’t be us. I know that you were never faithful to me; knowing that will never go away. I forgive you so I can move on, but I will never forget the hurt, the disrespect and the emotional abuse. I never deserved how you treated me, but I have my self-respect for divorcing you. You will forever live as a prisoner of your wrongs; you still cannot be faithful to your current girlfriend (past mistress). I have moved on. I am free. – Brigette
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These are a few examples of real exes, real men and women who were lied to and cheated on by their partners. The themes in their stories are those of betrayal, deception, and feelings of not being enough. And, sadly, of losing the most important emotional connection in their lives; their best friend. The betrayal led to a different kind of break-up for more than one person. Rather than address the ending of their relationship with maturity and making a difficult but emotionally healthy choice for themselves and children, there was something insurmountable, something so painful and damaging introduced leaving emotional scarring and anger. And, for some, an inability to co-parent without the cloud of pain hanging over them. Divorced parents are still parents. And for your kids, you will always be their Mom and Dad. How much better for them if you could be in a different place. Cheating hurts everyone. Including you.
If you liked this article by Jenny Kanevsky, you might also like:
Men Don’t Cheat, Cheaters Cheat
Avoiding Temptation, How Not to Cheat
Photo Credit: iStockPhoto
After Nine years together and our daughter a year old I find out my girlfriend was cheating with her co worker who was homeless. after 6 months of counseling she left for him. she lived on the streets with him while I raised our daughter and ran my construction company. After 4 months on the streets and 1 1/2 years with him she said it was the biggest mistake of her life. The pain and betrayal is so deep it will take along time to work through. Seeing the way it affected our daughter is what hurt the most.
This attitude completely allows the “betrayed” spouse to play the victim. I’m not condoning affairs, my husband had one, and it hurt like hell. I also had to recognize the part I played in the breakdown of MY marriage. His affair partner was not the problem.. My ex and I were. We both created an unhappy marriage, and neither one of us did anything to fix it. He was hurt and unhappy enough to compromise his morals, because she gave him something I failed to do. It hurt, the trust was broken and I was rattled. I took the lesson… Read more »
That’s exactly right. I could not agree more. When one or both partner do not feel responsible for fixing the issue then one or the other will look elsewhere to get what is missing in a relationship. Sometimes one person does not want to face their issue. Such as drinking, drugs ect.
My Ex cheated on me for most of our 33 years of marriage, I knew for the last 7 years and after I got over the anger I managed to get myself exercising hard, going on intrepid trips out and did feel a lot better. I never want to see him again ever. I was fortunate that our children were adults when I finally called it quits 3 years ago today, but it has still affected them terribly. The lying and disrespect to all of us is what hurts the most, I did go through depression and blamed myself but… Read more »
Hi, just to add it is quite common for people to cheat because they cannot end the relationship otherwise. There is some bond that brings them back again and again, even though the relationship is not healthy, even though they have tried to break up – one the other or both won’t let go in the final end. Cheating is a way to attempt to finally break a bond, an unhealthy cycle even, that otherwise won’t be accepted or allowed. Cheating is a final nail in the coffin to finally end it. Sometimes ‘cheating’ is a language that the other… Read more »
Thanks for this! I spent so much time trying to pull myself together after losing a twelve year marriage to temptation. The person I thought my wife was was completely altered in the face of betrayal. Our baby’s on so many levels were harmed by her continues selfish actions. I felt it before I knew though. I spent two years after the first affair trying to save a marriage I believed in! I would say I waisted my time, but I learned a valuable lesson in humility. After the first affair when I was redeployed to Iraq she started a… Read more »
Jenny please this to the list:
This is coming from a soldier:
“There is no pain like the pain caused by cheating! I’ve been shot, and blown up, and I would rather experience that over ever being betrayed by the person I promised forever to again.”
Thanks for your comments. I’m especially grateful to those who shared their personal stories. So helpful to hear the reality.
Yes. This. The pain is like no other, the betrayal unforgettable, and the damage done to our family can never be repaired. Cheating is evil. It is disgusting. And, as far as I am concerned, unforgivable. Not that he cares.
Once, when I went away to a conference, I found myself attracted to someone else. I didn’t act on it but the temptation was there. I had been married for around eight years. Knowing the pain of affairs, I came home, and as hard as it was to tell my spouse, I did. We needed to work on us. I watch people justify and rationalize their choices all the time. Sometimes I do it myself. I am so grateful that I didn’t then. As you say, it took all the maturity I could muster. What I wanted more than instant… Read more »
Jenny, thanks for sharing these real life experiences. Cheating is so prevalent, in part, because we don’t recognize the small betrayals until they become big. Once the big ones occur there is so much hurt and pain we just want to block in out and not think about it or talk about it. It helps to hear what others say and feel. We can begin to understand ourselves better and build the foundations where trust deepen.
Life is truly a journey. Its nice to share it with people like you who are committed to healing and to telling the truth.