The Two Emotions Men Are ‘Allowed’ to Feel — And Why That’s a Problem

As a psychologist who works with many men, there’s one response I hear more than I’d like: “I don’t know.”

Me: Why did you respond that way?
Client: “I don’t know.”
Me: Did that response help you in any way?
Client: “I don’t know.”
Me: How did you feel afterwards?
Client: “Fine.”

This exchange can be frustrating, especially when it goes on for most of a session. However, over the years, I’ve developed a deeper empathy for this dynamic, especially as I’ve come to understand how emotions are handled (or avoided) by many men.

The truth is, men are often conditioned to feel only two emotions: anger and apathy. This leads to frustration in relationships, where people expect emotional connection, only to be met with hostility or indifference. It’s easy to assume that men are emotionally simple or even “cold.” But is that the whole story? Do men really only feel anger or apathy? I don’t think so — and the evidence supports that.

The Evolution of Masculinity

To understand why many men struggle with their emotions, we need to look at how masculinity has evolved over time. In the 19th century, American men expressed affection openly — not just in intimate relationships, but among friends as well. This wasn’t seen as a sign of weakness, nor was it linked to any kind of suppressed sexuality. Men held hands, shared close, emotionally supportive friendships, and expressed vulnerability without fear.

But something shifted. By the 20th century, societal and political pressures began to define masculinity more rigidly, and emotional expression became frowned upon. In the 1950s, homosexuality was viewed as not just taboo but subversive, even un-American — linked to fears of Communism. At the same time, the rise of industrialization and mass mobility began to change the nature of male friendships. With men scattered across different cities, friendships became more difficult to maintain, further isolating emotional connection.

Additionally, as homophobia became more widespread, the consequences for “too much” emotional closeness between men were harsh. Men began to associate emotional vulnerability with weakness, a notion that only hardened in the face of growing gender roles. These roles, often tied to ideas of toughness, competition, and self-reliance, became central to how men were expected to behave.

The Impact of Rigid Gender Roles

Traditional male gender roles — the kind that emphasize toughness, emotional restraint, and hyper-competitiveness — are damaging. Studies reveal that these roles encourage men to:

1. Restrict emotional expression
2. Avoid anything perceived as “feminine”
3. Focus on aggression and dominance
4. Prioritize self-reliance above all else
5. Obsess over achievement and success
6. Keep relationships distant or shallow
7. Objectify sex
8. Display homophobia

The negative impact of these expectations on emotional health is profound. We know that men feel emotions, just like women. In fact, men and women experience emotions physiologically in similar ways. However, when it comes to expressing them, men are less likely to show emotions outwardly. Why? Because the male gender role discourages emotional openness, and as a result, men learn to bottle things up.

Emotional Stagnation and Its Consequences

When a man strictly adheres to this narrow emotional script, the consequences are often emotional stagnation. A man who suppresses his feelings — particularly those of vulnerability, sadness, or shame — becomes emotionally stunted. His emotional vocabulary becomes limited, and he may not know how to cope with feelings of guilt, frustration, or sorrow. Instead, he may mask those more difficult emotions with alcohol, anger, or other avoidance behaviors.

We’ve all encountered this man: the one who shuts down when confronted with criticism, or the one who distracts himself with TV and alcohol instead of engaging his sadness or disappointment. This is the result of a rigid, one-dimensional view of masculinity that stifles emotional growth.

When we numb negative emotions, we also numb positive emotions. Men who suppress sadness, shame, or guilt often find it difficult to experience joy, excitement, or love with the same depth and intensity. This emotional numbness ultimately leads to a shallow, disconnected existence.

Reclaiming Emotional Intelligence

The good news is that men can learn to handle their emotions in a better, more fulfilling way. It takes practice and commitment, but it’s absolutely possible. Here’s a simple model, adapted by Dr. Will Meek, to help men understand and manage their emotions more effectively:

1. Prereflexive Action: An event triggers an automatic emotional response. This is usually a physiological reaction.
2. Awareness: Recognize the physical sensation of the emotion. Ignoring it can lead to denial or repression.
3. Labeling: Accurately identify the emotion. Instead of saying you’re “upset” or “weird,” try naming it more specifically (e.g., anxious, frustrated, sad).
4. Interpretation: Reflect on the cause of your emotion. What triggered it? Avoid misattributing or dismissing the cause.
5. Evaluation: Assess whether the emotion is acceptable or valid. Remember, emotions are not inherently good or bad; they’re simply reactions to experiences.
6. Decision: Choose how to respond to the emotion. This might mean expressing it openly, confronting the source, or using healthy coping strategies.

While learning to manage emotions takes time, the benefits are well worth the effort. Emotional intelligence is linked to better physical health, stronger relationships, and greater success in both personal and professional life. It also leads to healthier conflict resolution and deeper, more empathetic connections with others.

A Call to Action for Men

So, gentlemen, I encourage you to embrace your emotional landscape. It’s a journey that requires patience and courage, but it’s a journey that will enhance your life in profound ways. Don’t be afraid to dive deeper into your emotional world. It’s not a weakness — it’s a strength. And you are more than capable of growing beyond the two emotions society tells you are “acceptable.”

I’d love to hear from you on your journey. Feel free to reach out and share your thoughts or challenges —you’ve got this.

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