Major Drama Is Super Easy to Avoid

In most cases, conflict is extremely easy to resolve without it blowing out of control. The main reason conflict will escalate is in one of these cases.

Words or feelings are being dismissed

During a fight, people will say a lot of things… what they think, how they feel, and how they interpret the situation. The other person needs to hear and respond to all of these things.

I had an ex who responded to anything I said by defending himself. It didn’t matter that I was deeply hurt — what mattered to him was proving that he wasn’t the bad guy who did anything wrong.

He couldn’t ever acknowledge that he had failed me, disrespected me, neglected me, or mishandled any situation.

Or maybe he did recognize it — but couldn’t bring himself to say it to me. He didn’t want to admit his failures and, instead, figured if I could just “let it go,” he would make a mental note to do better next time.

But I needed to hear it. I needed to know that he took my hurt and pain seriously, respected me enough to admit that he mishandled the situation, and valued me enough to apologize and make things right between us.

This is also the time to correct any miscommunications and misunderstandings. If I say, “I feel like you don’t care if you see me this weekend,” responding with, “Why do you make assumptions like that?” is going to make the situation worse because it evades my statement.

If he had simply said he wanted to see me but hadn’t figured out a plan yet, I would say, great, let’s talk about that now.

But when the person deflects, it can feel like confirmation that what I was saying was in fact true. And that hurts even more.

If your person says something that does not reflect your true feelings, intentions, or desires, immediately set the record straight.

Here’s the bottom line: If I say something, I want you to react to it. Ignoring and dismissing my statements during a fight will quickly kick a conflict into high gear.

People need to feel heard and respected. We all want resolution — and that starts with both people acknowledging what the other person says and feels, taking ownership for one’s actions, making a sincere apology, and taking steps to restore the relationship by making things right.

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Someone is lying

If someone lies to me and holds firm on that lie, I can guarantee that the situation will spiral out of control.

The fastest way out of this is to admit that you should have been honest and regretfully mishandled the situation. In some cases, it can be helpful to explain the reason behind the lie. Depending on the situation, there could be a valid reason, and not all lies are equally detrimental.

I knew a man who would lie about silly things that I knew were not remotely true… it was his way of managing some of his wounds from past relationships.

But if your person lies about things that disrespect your relationship or would be hurtful to you, it’s going to be a long, tough hike back to the House of Trust.

And there’s a good chance you’ll find yourself at the trailhead alone.

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Things don’t add up

This is commonly referred to as incongruence. It’s any situation where words and actions contradict.

The person is saying one thing but doing something very different. She says she doesn’t like to make plans with other people, but then you find out she invites random people to go hiking each weekend. He says he doesn’t like texting, but then you discover he texts a certain friend extensively during the week.

Standards or behaviors are selectively applied — and when done so in a manner that violates or disrespects a relationship, trust will be broken, and drama will ensue.

This can all be avoided by simply being aware of areas where you may not be consistent or feel reliable to your partner. Then, it’s up to you to understand why and make a dedicated effort to change that.

If you treat your friends better than your person in a certain area (especially in one that matters to your person), take a hard look at what’s really going on. Are you self-sabotaging the relationship? Do you have an avoidant attachment style that you need to work on? Or are you just not that committed to a real relationship with your person?

Incongruencies are like paper cuts. A few will be overlooked or shaken off as an oddity. But over time, these can build up to a major issue — a lack of trust and a sense of feeling fooled.

And in some cases, this can be irreparable.

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Lack of transparency

Everyone deserves their privacy. But a relationship requires transparency — or at least, a willingness to be fully transparent when needed.

A boyfriend once questioned me about conversations I was having with other men — he seemed suspicious that I spending time with men he didn’t know about (which was not the case).

I immediately took out my phone and showed him my list of text messages. I then explained who each person was who I had been texting and what we were talking about. I was perfectly willing to show him evidence that nothing inappropriate was going on and did so with zero hesitancy.

That’s because I had nothing to hide. He didn’t see anything that surprised him, which ended the conversation having put his mind at ease.

I am proactively transparent with my boyfriends about who my friends are, who I engage with, spend time with, and bond with when I am out. If I spend a lot of time hanging out with someone, dancing with them, or talking to them, I guarantee my boyfriends are well aware of it.

There are no secret friendships — and there never should be.

Be honest. If your partner walked up to you right now and said, “Unlock your phone and give it to me,” what would your reaction be?

If your person would be surprised to see frequent messages from someone they don’t know about on your phone, especially if you are having personal conversations with them, or making plans to meet up and hang out, even if it is totally innocent, the lack of transparency suggests you are knowingly doing something your partner would not be happy about.

When I am with a boyfriend and I get a text alert or a call, out of respect for him, I will acknowledge who it is from and then say something like, “Ty is asking if I am going to kickball tonight”.

Overkill? Not really. It takes two seconds to be transparent and make my person aware of what has pulled my attention away from them. And I can see that they appreciate this so they aren’t left wondering.

If your person would be surprised, hurt or upset to see what’s on your phone, or what you are doing when they are not around, it’s time to take a hard look at yourself. If you wouldn’t want your person doing this to you, don’t even think about doing it to them.

It’s easy to claim, “But nothing happened!” or “She’s just a friend!”.

If that were really true, you would be transparent about it.

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When you truly love someone

I whole-heartedly believe that most people can generally avoid or minimize the drama in their lives by following a few simple principles. Take ownership of your wrongs, be honest or transparent, and demonstrate relentless respect for what is most important to you.

When you truly love someone, those things are easy to do because they are the actions of a loving person who cherishes their person and doesn’t want to risk losing them to something silly or needless.

You never know which of these may be an ultimate dealbreaker for a person. I know a phenomenal guy who will immediately end a relationship if a girl lies about ANYTHING — even one time. And that’s because these things are the start of a pattern that often morphs into a huge issue later on.

This is not to say that drama should be totally avoided; but it’s how it’s addressed, managed and resolved that matters.

And some drama is good for us. Healthy drama (i.e., differences in needs, personality, attachment or communication styles) helps a couple evolve and learn more about each other and how to operate together.

Major drama like lying, emotional abuse, or gaslighting are choices one makes. They may be defense mechanisms, or learned behaviors that require professional help to overcome.

In some cases, these things happen on a less severe scale where one can do the inner work by becoming aware of what they are doing, understanding the root causes of it, and committing to make better choices in how they treat others. Simply becoming aware of why we behave the way we do is a huge first step to changing the behavior.

No one want to suffer through major drama in their relationships. We all need to be honest about what we are doing and where we might be causing it — even in areas that seem small at first glance.

Remember — a full blown affair always starts with one small lie.

I want to hear from you and would love to hear your reactions and input. Viewpoint diversity is highly welcome here!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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