Nobody Is that Special

Why are you making excuses for them?

If you are on the receiving end of mixed messages, ghosting, or feeling as though you are being strung along in an unsatisfying, low-effort relationship, then this reading may be for you.

When a client presents with the distress that frequently arises from these situations, I always ask them:

‘What is keeping you in there when the writing is on the wall already regarding this relationship?’

This question is not intended to ridicule or shame, but rather to encourage careful consideration of the facts as they stand. Past behaviour patterns are a strong predictor of future behaviour. This is what FBI profiling is made of, and if they can identify the profile of pathological liars, fraudsters and serial killers, then guess what; you will be able to use someone’s previous behavioural ‘output’ to make a reasonable prediction of what is going to happen next in your relationship.

The problem is not your ability to observe, intuit and recognise what is going on. Your problem is one of trusting your experience and allowing your sanity, emotional health and peace of mind to matter more than any potential partner that you consider worthwhile.

What are you hanging on to?

A lot of the time, the ‘clinging on’ to unhealthy dynamics is caused by an intuitive sense that the person you are dealing with is not two feet in. But simultaneously not two feet out either.

If they are oscillating in their emotional availability towards you and the prospect of a real relationship appears to send them flying, the best you can do is thank your anxious brain for alerting you to this ‘danger’ whilst recognising and accepting that going forward under such circumstances will not be healthy for you.

All that overthinking you will be engaging in when you are trying to make sense of the conflicting data you are dealing with can otherwise take you down a sizable rabbit hole. One that they will not come and rescue you from!

If you are dealing with someone who presents as though they are struggling with inner conflict, you sadly will need to accept that you have no control or ability to rule over their condition. I say this having spent the last 20 years working in the clinical treatment of addiction.

The penny may drop at some point in the near or far future. My piece of advice is to leave their timing to them while you take charge of moving your own life forward.

If what you have seen in them so far suggests that they would be the kind of person who decides to vanish off the face of the earth if you ask for a commitment of some sort, I am sorry to tell you that love will not conquer all this time.

Whilst there is no objective right or wrong amount of expectation to be had in a relationship (and you might disagree with them on what is ‘reasonable’ to ask for) it makes sense to at least not fight yourself on what you view as foundational needs and values in your relationship.

If their actions and intentions do not match up with such expectations, it is not your business to force such a process. Your well-being, on the other hand, is your business, and that is where your focus needs to be.

Consider that the other person is operating from a place of intention and choice

When you like someone, it can be tempting to over-empathise with them despite their blatant resistance. This is often further fuelled by a desperate wish that things ‘should’ work out. With those two conditions coming together, there is going to be a high risk of operating with blind spots and getting hooked by your rationalisation for why they can’t just do the thing you want them to do. The bottom line is:

If you value the idea of a partner who is present, reliable, shows up and cares, then you are going to be continuously disappointed if you are already having to plead for attention and closeness.

The unmitigated truth is: They are not giving you what you are looking for because they don’t want to. You can analyse and try to dig into their soul to explore what brought them to this decision. On such occasions, you might find that they don’t want to overcome their fears of closeness, or that they simply don’t like you enough. It could also be the result of other life factors. But the result is going to be the same. If they don’t feel like they want to make the changes you have been hoping for, do not keep creating reasons why they don’t. Just believe your experience.

They are not mean-spirited, psychopathic or at fault because they are not aligned with your intentions.

Yes they could perhaps communicate themselves clearer and be more direct but after all, they are making it known by their actions that they are not intent on considering your needs all that much. This is a key variable that you should absolutely be paying attention to!

Any further efforts will end up with a hopeless waste of energy that you are freely dispersing for all the wrong reasons. I know this sounds tough to hear but someone who has your best interest at heart and is worried about losing you will show at least signs of edging towards you when you are in pain. Not proof of abandoning you.

Signing up for a part-time job when you were applying for a full-time position

If being in a secure, present and loving relationship is important to you, don’t agree to let yourself be available for only the most sporadic opt-ins or inconsistent engagements. You will have mainly yourself to blame for this at the end of the day.

Much like accepting a part-time job when what you need is full-time employment. Yes, there are times when people will do this knowing full well it is not what they are seeking but they have bills to pay — but if that part time commitent keeps you busy and preoccupied enough to look for a full-time job, it is still going to be a bad choice for the longer term. You have to be a bit strategic with these things, even if it often goes against what people associate with romantic liaisons. Giving someone your love and heart is a big thing. It is a privilege for the right candidate to receive it and reciprocate. Not an obligation, chore or burden.

Nobody is so special that they deserve you making them exempt from accountability

If you are caught up in an unbalanced or undernourishing relationship, please recognise that the more rationalisation you invent for why they are not behaving towards you in the way you would have hoped, the longer you will be stuck in denial and limbo.

In which other walk of life would it seem reasonable to expect nothing to turn into something when you add up the history of someone’s behaviour record to date? A bad worker is unlikely to suddenly turn into the employee of the month. An unmotivated student is not going to bring a top result out of the hat. Someone who has told you and shown you that they are not certain about a relationship may be able to be swayed into existing in one. But make no mistakes — they will not show up in the way you want to. And they will not feel guilty about it either. After all, they never really acted like they did!

To have expectations is not just about telling someone, ‘I need this from you,’ but to be willing to execute and draw a line if a foundational need of your relationship is continuously going unmet.

Boundaries and healing

The setting of boundaries is solely your job, but you will find that the need to set them is all the greater when it comes to relationships that lack balance and natural flow. In relationships where you and your counterpart have genuine compatibility and care for the needs and wishes of one another, you will find that things flow just fine without you even having to reflect on your limits and tolerance levels.

A key shift in healing and recovery from these situations tends to occur when the person stops spending their time thinking about them and instead starts thinking about themselves. Not in an egotistical fashion that is lacking in care for other people, but simply by minding their own business and realising that it is not their job to teach other people how to be in a relationship.

Let them do that for themselves when they are ready.

Meanwhile, you try to focus on yourself and open up to the possibility of finding someone who is already willing to meet you where you are.

Remember, they have not done anything wrong for being who they are any anymore than you have!

Whilst your love may not change them, it can help you set them free to find their path in life. Instead of focusing on how disappointed you are with them, you end up forgetting to pay close attention to what they are willing to contribute to a relationship with you at this time.

Focus your loving energy on healing your wounds. This will enable you to let them go in peace and love as well.

Thank you for reading. If you liked this story, please check my other ones on similar topics!