No Need for the Big Stage

True confession time.

As I am reading an increasing number of articles about the ego glorifying, taking advantage of, abusive and controlling behaviors of icons in the holistic/spiritual/metaphysical realms, I am tremendously relieved that my dream to be on ‘the Big Stage’ with them didn’t pan out as I had wanted it to. There was a time when I placed them on pedestals (and then remembered that pedestals are for statues) and thought they had a certain je ne sais quoi that I was lacking. I envied authors who became famous because they were ‘Oprah’s darlings’. I pouted because, as a journalist who interviewed many of them, I was the wind beneath their wings, offering free publicity. I wanted to speak at national conferences as validation that I had a message to share that was as powerful as theirs. I wanted their acknowledgement of my worth. I wanted them to take me under their wings and offer a platform for my work.

Some have used their wealth and power to negatively impact their students, clients and readers. No one has all the answers for anyone. As a social worker and therapist, I don’t tell my clients that I know their answers. I encourage them to discover what works for them. Some have taken away their students’, clients’ and readers’ autonomy and sovereignty. Some have betrayed their trust. Some have manipulated them to pay outrageous sums of money for their ‘wisdom’. Some have sexually abused them in the guise of spiritual enlightenment. In retrospect, I wonder if it would have meant selling my soul to be in their company.

It’s not a feeling I’m proud of when I consider how much time I spent musing and fuming over it. Hmmmppphhh, I was at least as articulate and stage worthy as these folks who had sold out presentations and whose books soared to the top of best seller lists. I envisioned, Vision-boarded, scripted, planned, talked about doing what they did. I’m grateful for the yaysayers (rather than naysayers) who supported me and told me that I would be joining that lofty company eventually. Not soon enough for me. I wanted to travel and teach and write. That’s what I kept telling myself.

Several years ago I met motivational speaker and writer, Lisa Nichols who provided a wise piece of advice, “Attract, don’t pursue.” She encouraged me to continue to be of service, doing what I was born to do and doors would open. Open, they did. Just now fast enough for this recovering Type A+ overachiever. I erroneously believed that if only I was famous, I would feel more financially stable, more gratified, more accomplished. If I was a guest on the network talk shows, I would know I had ‘made it’. After all, I had been in the other chair as I interviewed The Dalai Lama in 2008 when he spoke in Philadelphia. That should count for something, right? Sigh…it is only in hindsight that I realized what a gift that experience was and it didn’t have to catapult me to stardom. What an irony that would have been, since His Holiness describes himself as a “simple Buddhist monk.” I am neither Buddhist (although I honor the inherent principles and have friends who are active practitioners) nor a monk. I am learning to embrace a simpler and quieter life, with time for naps as a bonus.

At this point in my life and my multi-faceted career, I am grateful and honored to speak with, write for, teach and counsel those who trust me enough to allow me in. My intention is never to betray that trust. I am offering to others whose work I believe in what I wanted from those erstwhile movers and shakers, supporting, encouraging and sharing their work with the world.

I do enough. I am enough. This, without the seal of approval I once craved.

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