Are We Dating the Same Red Flag?

I’m not sure how I originally ended up in one of those “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” groups. I’m sure a friend invited me, or I read something about it somewhere on social media. More likely, there were people I’d interacted with in the wide world of dating that I would happily report should the occasion come up. It’s a great resource for women protecting women from con artists and abusers.

But here’s what I find strange: Post after post share some worrying similarities. The red flags are obvious, glaring even, and yet the original poster still needs advice from keyboard warriors. She doesn’t see the red flags that the majority of group members see clearly. All she sees is her hope for this next relationship to work out the way she wants it.

Why Some People Can’t See Obvious Red Flags

Look, Garth Brooks didn’t thank God for unanswered prayers for no reason. Sometimes, the things we want aren’t the things we need. When it comes to posts like this, I often hope that she doesn’t get what she wants because there are obvious signs that it’s not going to go well or end well, however magical the start of that relationship might seem inside of it.

From Trauma to Drama

There are a lot of reasons why some people can’t see the obvious red flags in dating. One of the primary reasons is trauma. There are a lot of walking wounded in the world. Their pain makes them vulnerable. They aren’t seeing with clear vision. They’re seeing from an unhealed place that might blind them to signs that the relationship ahead will likely be toxic.

Here’s something important to remember: When we grow up in toxic or otherwise difficult environments, we adjust to them. It becomes our normal. We can be deep in a toxic relationship and feel unhappy but not be able to articulate why because we also have accepted misery as a part of the deal.

Rose-Colored Red Flags

The other issue is that so many people walk into new relationships wearing the proverbial rose-colored glasses. They aren’t seeing clearly because they’ve decided that this person is right for them, all evidence to the contrary. They don’t want to see the signs that they’d be better off giving this situation a pass. They’d rather just go all in and feel the good feelings and leave the painful ones as a problem for later. It’s reckless, and it never ends well.

Another problem with the red flag brigade is that so many people can’t understand the difference between a good partner and the right partner. Mutual attraction and respect don’t always equate to the right relationship. Sometimes, compatibility is a factor in other areas. Two people who don’t want the same future are never going to be able to make it work, no matter how much they might wish it could. Being able to let go of the wrong person is the only way we’ll ever find someone who is a better fit for the lives we’re building.

In this case, the red flag isn’t an issue because the person is a terrible human being who is intentionally inflicting pain. It becomes a red flag because there are obvious issues that it’s not going to work out, issues that are being ignored rather than addressed. This one is often painful to admit, to let go of a good person in a tough dating world when we know how rare they can be. Even if we know it’s best for them, and for us.

Misery Loves a Yes-Man/Ma’am

One of the issues I’ve noticed scrolling through posts like this is that misery really does love company, specifically the company that tells them what they want to hear and not what they need to hear. They want a “yes man” or “yes ma’am.” They know they should be concerned. After all, they made a post in a group called “Are We Dating the Same Guy?”. They are picking up on something that’s not quite right. But the comments section will be filled with people who are just as clueless as they are.

They’re going to the Internet to figure out if their relationship is toxic. I often wonder if it’s because they’re polling the people until they come to the conclusion they’ve already decided on, or if they just don’t have people in their lives who will tell them the truth about what’s happening. Sometimes, people choose friends who reflect their own identity right back to them. They don’t have healthy people who will challenge unhealthy perspectives.

The problem with going to an online group to seek validation is that the advice is coming from unknown people. Just because it’s validating doesn’t make it … valid. It might be terrible advice. It might even be dangerous. Just because it is the advice we want doesn’t mean that we’re getting the advice that’s best for us.

Are We Dating the Same Red Flag?

I’m on the other side of trauma therapy, the healing side. I’ve dated my fair share (and then some) of red flags. I’m just not interested in it anymore. All the things that I once tolerated just don’t appeal to me now. I’ve wasted enough of my time. Life is too short to waste any more of it.

So, I look at a post in a group, and I can see half a dozen red flags in the picture alone. It’s easy to spot when you’ve dated as many problematic partners as I have over the years. I count even more from the text.

Finding One Needle in a Flaming Haystack

But I have an advantage that many of these people don’t, a secret weapon if you will. Only it’s not a secret at all. I’ve been a member of Jennie Young’s Burned Haystack dating group and own a copy of her book Burn the Haystack: Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter. If I had my way, this would be required reading, the Bible of personal relationships.

It’s not filled with gimmicks to help manipulate potential partners. Instead, it helps women identify the rhetorical patterns that point to toxic partners. Following the rules will burn that haystack right down to the ground so that it’s possible to find a needle.

The truth is simple: There are good partners out there, but we can’t find them if we don’t first block and remove the ones getting in our way of seeing them. How much time do we waste communicating with people we know are bad for us? I’ve often warned people against going out on a date with someone already showing toxic traits. Chemistry can be a strong motivator to start a relationship with someone we’d be better off blocking. When we don’t chase chemistry, we have a real chance of forming true connections with good people. We get to say when enough is enough, when we’re done wasting our own time.

We Need a Steady Diet of Healthy, Wholesome Relationships

I recently wrote an essay about how true love stories keep hope alive that these relationships are possible.

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I believe that, but I also think we’d do ourselves a favor to take in more healthy, wholesome relationship content. I don’t mean that in some puritanical way. Rather, I think we should make ourselves witness to healing love stories rather than entertaining ourselves with problematic ones.

Curating Relationship Entertainment

Entertainment is an easy way to do this. Yes, I also went down the rabbit hole watching that Netflix documentary about worst exes, but then I switched to a movie that was so delightful in its story arc that I was reminded that not every man’s mission is to rob or murder us. More of that content, please!

It’s a controversial take in the romance reader community, but I won’t read a romance with deeply problematic relationships. I’m not interested in 50 shades of abuse or whatever title is trending. I don’t want to read about partners who don’t understand consent, and god save me from ever reading about the overly innocent virginal woman who falls for the slutty playboy, a trope so tired that I can’t fathom who would read it.

I’m a romance writer, and I’m also a romance reader. I want smart heroines and strong relationships. I want partners that understand consent and don’t rely on toxic formulas to get from meet cute to happy ever after. I want to believe that healthy, beautiful relationships like that exist, even if I’ve only ever come close to one once in my own history.

I also feed myself a steady diet of wholesome relationship entertainment lately. Apple TV has given us some of the best examples with shows like Ted Lasso, Shrinking, and Trying. They don’t give us perfect people or perfect relationships, but they do model healthy ones. I will never get over Roy Kent’s speech about never settling for “fine.” May it be our mantra!

I am a child of the 1980s, a graduate of the year 2000, and I don’t care if you do the math to figure out my age from that. I grew up in a time where toxic masculinity permeated our culture, even as our culture was showing signs of progression in the right direction. I grew up watching ugly ducklings become beautiful swans through the power of Aquanet, a hair straightener, and contact lenses, suddenly worthy of hooking up with her high school crush because of a simple makeover, heavy on the blue eyeshadow.

The 1990s weren’t much better. Sitcoms ruled Friday nights, and every single one featured a man who got all the laughs at his wife’s expense. It was rare for a show to feature a mother or wife who was anything more than a foil for some deeply problematic man we were supposed to root for. Is it any wonder we’re seeing a resurgence in regressive attitudes? We were fed a diet that made women the punchline in relationships, and it didn’t end there.

Romance and Reality

It would also help to surround ourselves with more real-life examples of good relationships rather than hanging out with toxic ones. We can’t control the quality of other people’s relationships, but we can make sure that our inner circle reflects healing and growth rather than toxic relationship cycles. It’s nice to have couple friends we aren’t constantly watching devolve into disaster. It’s pretty cool to see romance play out in real life.

If we want good relationships, it helps to witness them whether we do that in real life or through our entertainment. We need to normalize healthy communication, not passive aggressive shitposting. We need to model good choices, not leaving a mess for our future selves to clean up even though we knew better. We need to start making choices that serve our future selves, not devastate them. Seeing romance in real life helps. Even if it’s rare. Maybe especially because it is.

The Red Flag Reveal: Final Thoughts

I try not to judge harshly all the people who post the obvious red flags. After all, I used to be one of them. I couldn’t see them in dating profiles any more than I could see them in real life. I also couldn’t see my own red flags, spelled out for anyone who was the slightest bit healthy. As I healed, it got easier to see them, and I slowly became a person who could spot them a mile away. It took a little longer to become a person who could see them, heed them, and go in peace.

Recognizing red flags doesn’t typically make me angry, although I do despair at the misogyny permeating our culture. It just lets me know that I’m not going to be a good fit for a person hosting their very own red flag parade. I stopped trying to point out their red flags. I don’t need to educate them or act as a future dating consultant. I just need to keep moving, without looking back and wondering about a chemistry that might have thrown me back into the whole toxic rinse-and-repeat cycle.

Seeing red flags is also about trusting ourselves. We have to trust that gut feeling above all else. If we’re asking a question about if someone is suspect, they are. We don’t need more than our gut to go on. We don’t need some other woman’s confirmation or permission to do what is best for us.

Every time we see a red flag and respect it as the stop sign it’s meant to be, we build that trust a little more. We become people who see the pain we’ve avoided, and it gives us the courage to keep making hard choices in the moment to avoid pain in the future. We get better at it. We see more clearly. Eventually, we become the woman in the comments section, guiding someone else to safer grounds. We aren’t judging them for where they are, but we try to show them where they could be if they only trust themselves a little more.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.