3 Huge Misconceptions About Dating All Men Should Know

Dating can be strange.

You can do everything you were told, and still end up with someone who is wrong for you.

You can be attractive, kind, nice, successful, emotionally available and genuinely interested in someone, yet the person may not want you.

Sometimes the person you thought would never work out becomes the person you end up building something interesting or beautiful with.

A lot of dating frustration comes from always believing some simple dating rules that are actually very human.

We were told different things by different people while growing up. We were told things like…

“Just be yourself.”
“Never chase.”
“If they like you, they’ll make it obvious.”
“Good people always find good partners.”

…

Some of these ideas contain a little truth. But taken too literally, they can make dating much more confusing.

Here are three misconceptions worth letting go of.

1. If Someone Likes You, Dating Them Should Feel Easy

The truth is this sounds romantic, but it’s not always true.

Two people can genuinely love each other and still struggle to get along or be on the same page. One person may move faster emotionally than the other.

Maybe both of them are interested but have different communication styles.
Maybe one person is ready for a relationship while the other person is still trying to figure things out.
Maybe there is attraction, but their lifestyles are different.

…

Perhaps both people are carrying fears from previous relationships or they are yet to heal from the previous one, and that makes vulnerability difficult.

The truth is interest doesn’t automatically create compatibility in a relationship. Instead, it creates a kind of distraction.

Someone can be interested in you, be attracted to you, and think you are such a nice and wonderful person, and still not be ready to build a tangible relationship with you.

Also, you can feel deeply attracted to someone, and the person isn’t actually into you. This is why chemistry can sometimes be misleading, especially at the beginning of a relationship.

Chemistry tells you… “I feel something”, but compatibility says… “We can build something interesting together”.

These are two different things. Healthy dating isn’t about finding someone who makes you feel effortless from the beginning.

Usually, it’s about finding someone where the important things can be worked out through together, without either person constantly having to fight for basic understanding, respect, or interest in the relationship.

Most of the time, the best relationships, or the right ones, don’t start with spark or chemistry immediately. Instead, they build gradually. They come with patience.

The difference is that you are not the only person putting in effort. Effort is usually mutual.

2. Being Yourself Means You Should Never Change Anything About Yourself

This is probably the poorest dating misconception out there.

Most men grew up hearing things like…

“Just be yourself.”

It’s probably one of the most repeated pieces of dating advice ever given.

There is a problem in this because when they say just be yourself, the truth is which person of yourself?

Your best self?
Your most comfortable self?
Your most immature self?
Your defensive self?
Your version that disappears whenever someone gets too close?

The truth is being yourself doesn’t mean refusing to grow.

If you’re emotionally unavailable, insecure, or bad at communicating.

In this case, “that just who I am” isn’t being real or authentic.

It is just an excuse.

You don’t need to become someone you are not to attract a woman, but you simply need to become a better version of who you can be.

The right woman should meet the real and the best of you. But that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. At the same time, it doesn’t mean she has to meet the unfinished you.

3. Rejection Doesn’t Always Mean You Did Something Wrong

This is one of the hardest things to accept for any man.

A man can genuinely do everything right and say the right thing and still be rejected.

Kind.
Interesting.
Emotionally mature.

This invariably means you can be a good person and still not be the right person for a woman.

Why?

Because attraction isn’t a reward for good behavior.

Sometimes, someone simply doesn’t feel the connection you are hoping for.

Yeah…that can be painful. But it is also freeing you. Because once you understand this, you stop treating every rejection like a personal verdict, like a fight, or personal rejection.

Someone rejecting you doesn’t mean you have to be more impressive.

Sometimes they simply weren’t your person. And sometimes, that’s the best answer you could have received.

The Bigger Lesson

Dating becomes easier the moment you stop looking for rules that guarantee a woman will choose you.

You can’t force chemistry. You can’t manufacture compatibility or earn someone’s attraction by being the perfect person.

You can simply do this, just pay attention. Notice how you feel. Notice how you feel around someone. Notice how they treat you.

Pay attention whether the effort is mutual between the two of you. And most importantly, notice when you are trying to convince yourself that something is working simply because you just want it.

The right person isn’t always the one who is successfully persuaded to love you. It’s usually the one where interest and effort or desire to do something on both.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.