My Dating App Experiment

**Find me on Substack where I post additional thoughts and videos**

When I was on the dating apps, I got hundreds of messages. Men aged 18 into well into their 70s would reach out with anything from “Hey” to “God told me we were supposed to be together”. I got that message, not just once, but twice if you can believe it. Most often I got a simple “Hey beautiful”.

At the time I thought it was best to post pictures of me at my best. Makeup on, good angles and lighting, I posted only the pictures that made me feel most confident. Like this one:

But the matches I got were very shallow. There may have been hundreds but it was clear they were looking at me and hoping for sex. I doubt they even realized I was a real person based on the messages I got.

When I first started online dating — and we’re talking back on Match.com in the early 2000s — I found out very quickly that posting skin in any amount exacerbated the effect. I’d get full blown objectifying, dehumanizing messages, “Hey baby, I like your dress, wanna come sit on my lap?”

If you want to know how to immediately get blocked, this is it. Although for every man who says it out loud, there are 50 (or 1,000?) more thinking it, so I genuinely appreciate the men who let me know up front that they aren’t worth my time.

I learned never to post pictures of me in tank tops or sundresses, even though that is often my attire.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to weed out the obnoxious men. One of the apps allowed me to add a tag line so I made mine, “You had me at the proper use of you’re…” That cut down a lot of matches. I think the only thing worse than being a feminist is being an educated feminist with a penchant for correct grammar.

By the time I realized I didn’t want to date at all, I felt the need to do an experiment. I created a profile that was 100% real. I posted pictures that were much more casual, with no makeup, like this one:

And wouldn’t you know it? I barely got any matches. It was startling how different the response was — the same person who was getting hundreds of matches before — to now maybe one or two here and there. And nothing else about my profile had changed. Just some pictures of me without makeup instead of with.

What I learned is this: men are crying about women only choosing the men who are six feet tall and make six figures, but when it comes right down to it, they’re only looking at the top 10% of beautiful women — and they are often not even natural women. They are the women wearing the most makeup, the ones who are most filtered, the ones who scream sex.

I wrote more about men and makeup here:

So if you’re a natural woman who doesn’t wear a lot of makeup — in my experience (unless you have naturally dark features already) you will not get much attention on the apps.

So is the problem that you aren’t tall enough? Or is the problem that you are only interested in models? Do you read profiles? Or are you swiping based solely on pictures?

The attention I got was almost entirely based on how well I applied my makeup or how much my clothing and pose screamed, “I like to f***”. So if you’re a man and you’re still insisting on trying to find the love of your life through a dating app, please consider this — are the top 10% of beautiful women (in their pictures anyway) the only women you are interested in? Because if the answer is yes, then you are the reason you aren’t successful.

If, however, you are reading through profiles, attempting to find a woman who has similar interests even if she won’t be the trophy wife you were hoping to find, you might just find a solid partner.

I met my last partner on Match. I had written a list of top 10 random things I was looking for in a partner. They were mostly silly things — it’s been 11 years, so I don’t remember many of the particulars — but I think one was that I have a thing for men who play an instrument. But the whole list was things like that — no real deal breakers, just fun.

My last partner wrote me a heartfelt message about how when he read my list he felt like he fit every one of the items I’d listed. I remember receiving his paragraphs long message (to address each bullet point) and thinking to myself, he can’t possibly hit on every woman with a message this long right? It would take him hours.

And sure enough, it wasn’t a typical message for him. There was just something about my profile and what I’d written that had inspired him to reach for connection with a complete stranger. He told me he thought I was too beautiful for him and that I’d never respond, but he couldn’t help himself. His message was real, it was vulnerable, and it made him stand out. I fell in love with him through his messages and letters before we’d ever met.

If you haven’t read my other stories, then I’ll disappoint you here by saying the relationship fell apart years later, but not before I experienced major growth. It was a necessary step on my journey and I don’t regret it. I won’t speak for his feelings on the matter, although I know he experienced tremendous growth as well.

In summary dating apps are crap. But they are mostly crap because they do not inspire authenticity and vulnerability.

I know this much — the worst thing that could ever happen to you is not rejection or being laughed at. The worst thing that could ever happen to you is never learning how to be vulnerable and finding the connection you’re seeking. That is a hill I will die on.

I’ve always had a passion for writing, so a warm thank you for reading to the end. Comments, shares, saves, and tips appreciated.

I have turned my rough beginnings as a teenaged welfare mom into motivation to get educated (B.S., M.S.) and into a successful career. Now the mother of four adults, and grandmother of two littles, I work in Corporate America but write blog style articles on the many things I’ve learned about Relationships, Sex, Money, and Life in general mostly for my own healing.