Now I Know How it Feels

At 11 pm the other night, I was sitting on the living room rug surrounded by domestic chaos. I had arrived home from work five hours earlier and sat down cross-legged on the floor to assemble a desk I had ordered online. It seemed a simple enough project, but six hours later I had reached a complete standstill, completely defeated by the undecipherable assembly illustrations. I had already dismantled the room in preparation for the new desk, so the mess was significant, and far more than I wanted to leave for another day.

One such obstacle in isolation would not be catastrophic. But sometimes, despite your best efforts, one thing after another conspires to derail your progress. Or so it has seemed for me for the past few weeks.

For several years now, I have been trying to create the life that I want to live. There has been progress, and indications that I am heading in the right direction. But the landscape of life has valleys as well as peaks.

Aside from the desk disaster, a rental property that I need to sell is not selling. I renovated it and hired a realtor. But the market is down. Sellers are having a tough time. Despite both of our efforts, a sale has not materialized.

Even a drawing assignment for my weekly art class challenged me significantly. Though small, this one was the most destabilizing because of what it meant to my self confidence. Here was a skill I had taken for granted; it was a part of my identity. And I was finding it difficult. Really difficult.

Experiences like this used to spiral me into hopelessness. But my relationship with frustration is different now. Now, suddenly, an obstacle is just an obstacle.

What changed? What made the difference? Five years of accumulated experience has helped, but something else had shifted.

I went on a trip last year. It was a bucket list item: a destination I had wanted to visit for years. I researched, planned, and invited a friend. For one glorious week, I had no obligations other than to be present in a beautiful place. I did not have to monitor anyone’s mood, nor temper my own natural exuberance, curiosity, or enthusiasm.

This is not to say that I have never felt happiness before. I have. But this felt different. Several times a day, I paused to consciously register how free, joyful, and fully alive I felt, and to consider the conditions that made it so: friendship, laughter, freedom to explore and engage, the opportunity to rest when necessary. These are the conditions of life that I want more of.

This.

This is how I want life to feel.

I did not come away from that trip knowing what I want my future to look like. But I came away knowing how I want it to feel, whatever it might look like. And there was a bonus. It turns out that when you know where you are headed, ordinary difficulties no longer have the power they once had. They are not a referendum on my competence. They are simply obstacles in the way of the destination.

Struggles will always arise. I may be in this valley for a while. The condominium is not selling. The desk is finally put together, but I had to call a neighbor for help. Apparently, I had four pieces assembled backward. I spent a week on the drawing project, trying to understand how to render a difficult subject on paper. But I think I just may have figured it out.

These are speed bumps. Not the end of the road.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.