Men Can Share Tears and Joy, Not Let Them Bottle Up and Explode

I finally learned that to love and keep a partner, I have first to accept myself, and then not be afraid to share my feelings of vulnerability with her.

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One thing I gained from the recent sadness of losing a lover, — once I’d got over the initial pain, and reflected on the extent to which, and in what ways, I was responsible for the breakup — was discovering how much I’d been depending on her having a positive opinion of me to feel good about myself. And I could see that this was an old pattern of mine. I was an ‘approv–oholic’, and if I didn’t kick my addiction to getting validation from other people, rather than finding it inside myself, it would only lead me to further ‘disappointments’. Because, as I finally realiszd, no one else could ever convince me that I was ‘worthy of love’.

My emotional neediness had lead me into to a series of ‘entanglements’ with people who were just as needy as me, rather than to a ‘relationship’ between two equal individuals. And although I wasn’t really aware of it at the time, as I became more open and intimate with a woman, I would start to feel outside my comfort zone, and feel a need to retreat. Although I wanted a closer relationship, it took me into a sensitive territory of vulnerability, which I never really felt at ease with as a man, and an uneasy feeling that my partner was starting to have too much ‘power’ in my life. It was that well-known attraction/avoidance pattern that many men show in a relationship, especially a new one; making moves to become closer, then just when things are beginning to open up physically or emotionally, withdrawing, before starting the cycle all over again. Or, if I was really running scared, disappearing completely.

I can see how this must have been quite ‘crazy–making’ for any woman I was involved with, although at the time I tended to think that it was she who had a ‘problem’. And even if she understood what was happening, and could see that in fact that it wasn’t her fault’, there was really nothing much she could have done about it, because trying to “persuade” me to be closer just drove me further away.

I made this tragic mistake not long ago with a woman that I now realise could have been an ideal partner for me. I loved the time we spent together, felt closer to her than I had to anyone for a long time, and it was starting to look as if we might build a future together. One night we went to a party, and at some point she was talking animatedly with male friends, and then also with a group of gay women, one of which she had earlier admitted to me she had experienced a single night of lesbian sex with, when they were very drunk and wanted to experiment.

We’ve become close friends since then, and I can say with absolute certainty that her actions at that time were completely ‘innocent’ with no wish to play games, make me jealous, or anything like that. She was just being just the lovely and friendly woman that I was starting to love, but with people other than me.

Seemingly out of the blue, I became overwhelmed by wave of jealousy, insecurity, and a range of other emotions that didn’t fit at all with the grown up, emotionally sorted, and generally cool man that I liked to think I was. I was so ashamed of these feelings, that when she asked if I was all right, I couldn’t manage a word, other than to say I had to leave. Which I did. It then took me two weeks to recover enough to contact her, still feeling too embarrassed to refer to what had happened or properly apologize. Understandably she lost trust in me to the extent that she asked to end our relationship.

With later reflection, I realised that my overreaction that night represented a ‘tipping point’ of feelings and insecurities which I had been hiding almost since the start of the relationship. If only I’d been more at ease with my vulnerabilities and honest enough to share them with her at an earlier stage, she could have reassured me and we could have laughed at them together as the kind of silly emotions that can come up when you’re strongly attracted to someone.

So next time I feel like running away, I’ll first try sharing with my partner if I’m ill at ease and why, however risky that might seem, explaining that that this isn’t really how I feel about her, but is the child inside me feeling afraid. Then we could comfort and reassure him together. And if that doesn’t work, at least I’ll know I gave it my best shot, and avoid the depressing realisation that I have killed something potentially beautiful before it had a chance to grow.

I hope that discovering this will be a first step on the path to a more secure happiness that will make it more likely I will be attracted, and able to hold on to, the right kind of person for me, and most importantly, to be able to share all my feelings with her, not just the one’s that I feel are safe or acceptable for me as a man. So that joys and tears can be shared, intimacy built, and problems worked through as soon as they come up rather than be buried where they will explode at some later point and ruin everything.

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