Judgement Detox

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Nearly a year ago, I began working with lovingly kick-ass coach, Lori Ann Davis who is one of the professionals on the show Radical Dating. We were initially introduced by filmmaker and author Betsy Chasse, who is best known for her co-creation of the iconic movie What the Bleep Do We Know? Having been mostly a solo act for the better part of two decades since being widowed, with some wonderful short-term relationships and lovers/heart friends sprinkled in, I professed long-term relationship readiness. Clearly, that was not in the cards for that time period, since as I write this, I am still gloriously single. As that is my current reality, I might as well revel in it. It affords me the spontaneous on-the-go freedom to dash out on a whim without needing to consult with anyone else and yet, there are times when I feel wistful, desiring a partner in love mischief with whom to share the adventures. Therein lies the paradox that many single people face.

In my recent coaching call with Lori Ann, I told her about attending the juicy, playful, light, lovely, dark, soul deep, bone marrow core, Earth-shaking, birth-giving, paradigm expanding, body-mind-spirit stretching, uplifting, dance ’til you drop, life-enhancing, righteously angry, shadowy, frightening, flirtatious, fluid realm of womanhood called the Womanly Arts Experience created by Regena Thomashauer (a.k.a. “Mama Gena”). I had heard of her back in the early 2000s and was drawn to her calls-it-like-she-sees-it-speaking-truth-to-power-from-the heart-in-yo’-face-irreverent attitude.

Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World, Mama Gena’s Owner’s & Operator’s Guide To Men and Mama Gena’s Marriage Manual are her triumvirates and she adds to them her most recent book, Pussy: A Reclamation. Although it is used as a pejorative term that was cast about caustically by the occupant of the Oval Office, Mama Gena and those who attend her workshops claim it as an empowering word. As she moved across the stage facing 900 some women who had traveled from many places on the planet (Nigeria, Denmark, Australia) and throughout the United States to New York City, she invited us often to see that part of our bodies as a source of creative power to call in the lives we desire. Her passion for this work is contagious. She presents a resounding clarion call for women to step out of the shadow in which they may have hidden and into the light, center stage, fully honoring all that they are.

I intended to leave behind my habit of needing to be ‘on,’ center stage, dazzling, taking care of others at my own expense. Normally, I do this with men, but in this case, since I was surrounded by Sister Goddesses, it was not a direct challenge, or so I thought. A few days prior, I developed a sty in my right eye, as a follow up to the one I had a month or so earlier in my left eye. Here I was, meeting new friends, wanting to be at my best, with a vision-impairing, not so pretty bump that reminded me of a lizard lid. I tended to it with warm compresses, antibiotic drops and went about sans makeup. My first judgment was that it looked “grotesque.” According to Louise Hay, a sty represents anger. I also wondered what I was not wanting to look at. It didn’t take long for me to discover what it was.

During the experience, I heard stories of survivorship that astounded me. Women who had faced abuse and trauma. Women who had come here from other countries and established new lives. Women who had major losses. As is my pattern, I compared myself to them and questioned what I could possibly complain about since I have supports and resources and my life was nowhere near as hard as theirs. On the flip side, there were those who had over-the-top successes that I craved. It wasn’t envy I felt, but rather a disappointment that I hadn’t reached that lofty pinnacle. I did feel what I call protective Mama Bear/Goddess Kali anger at what had happened to them and frustration with my perceived limitations.

That tied in directly with my wish for partnership since some of those with life challenges were also partnered and some with worldly success were not. No rhyme or reason.

By the end of the weekend, I had begun to shake off the self-imposed shackles and move more freely. Lori Ann suggested that I take on the role of observer of my thoughts and detox myself from them. As I let go, I noticed that my eye was relinquishing the effects of its own toxicity. Now, I am seeing my way clear to the kind of life and relationship that best serves every aspect of my existence.

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