Living in Shadow and Light

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One of my favorite aspects of the phenom of Facebook is the memory prompts that turn back the clock.

This recollection popped up today from five years ago and I am still aware of these aspects of myself that make their presence known. Not something I’m proud of, but since we contain multitudes, it feels self-honoring and not resisting what is so, to acknowledge them. I learned a long time ago that what we resist, persists and from Star Trek, courtesy of beings called The Borg, “Resistance is futile.”

Tonight, I watched The Shadow Effect co-created by three icons in the transformational field, Debbie Ford, Deepak Chopra, and Marianne Williamson. The film explains in great detail the idea that each of us harbors a shadow side, and highlights the body of work by Carl Jung, who introduced the concept of the shadow to the field of psychology. Jungian shadow often refers to all that lies outside the light of consciousness—and may be positive or negative. Jung wrote:

Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. It may be (in part) one’s link to more primitive animal instincts, which are superseded during early childhood by the conscious mind.

It isn’t necessarily evil or possessing malintent, nor does it entice ‘going to the dark side of the Force’. No worries that I will relinquish my Jedi status to join the Empire. Yoda is still my favorite little green sage. It reminds me of the Billy Joel song, called The Stranger, which contains the poignant lyrics:

“Well, we all have a face that we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone
Some are satin, some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They’re the faces of a stranger
But we’d love to try them on”

I found myself coming face to face with my shadow in a tricky disguise. She is the ‘One who knows,’ the sometimes sanctimonious, holier than thou, attention-seeking, charming, everybody’s sweetheart, go-to person, who delights in having the answers, being the calm center of the storm and who sometimes feels unworthy, so she tap-dances faster and attempts to dazzle more. Then she burns out, loses her own center, becomes judgmental of herself and critical of others who aren’t (in her mind) ‘doing their part’ or can’t be counted on like SHE can.

Then there are those who seem more successful who don’t seem to have ‘earned it’. After all, my shadow self-reasons, “I’ve followed the rules, been a ‘good girl’ who has done what was expected of me, worked hard and I’m still not where I would like to be.” SO there! Oops, I just told on myself. My cover is blown, the cat is out of the bag, but then, those who know me best already know this about me. I’m doing what I most fear and what the shadow is a cover for…. feeling weak and needy and vulnerable, filled with contradiction and conflict. I have a dear friend who wouldn’t read my Bliss Mistress book until I showed her that I could get angry and be REAL. Thank you, Debbie Ford, for your courage and brilliance in bringing this work to the world in a grand way. And oh yeh, I can be a bitch, too.

I have learned to co-exist with the aspect of myself that seems distasteful to me and have found a way to use those qualities to my benefit and hopefully, to further my healing work in the world. I reason that if I can fess up to this, then it gives others permission to look at the places in their lives where they fall short of their own ideals. It’s the whole vulnerability thing that both appeals to me and repulses me. I wish I was able to find complete peace with my full humanity. Not there yet, but I am willing to light the candle, open the shades and illuminate the room so that I can see what might be lurking in the recesses.

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