Growing up in a loving home with lots of attention, affection, and approval, it amazes me that I became so friggin’ co-dependent. I have sold my soul for love, tap-danced for acceptance, care given until I felt all gived out. It started at an early age when I turned from looking after my dolls to looking after the little kids in the neighborhood. When the bunches of us would play together on our backyard swing set, I would usher the younger siblings of my same age friends down the sliding board, patting them when they got off. Weird, I know. I learned at an early age that people need each other. My parents were consummate caregivers too, balancing work with play, with family, with social life, taking care of their elderly mothers at the end of life, carpools, volunteering, rockin’ a wonderful nearly 52-year marriage before my dad died in 2008…..seemingly able to do it all, without limitation. I was determined to do that too.
Fast forward into my teen to adult romantic relationships and uh oh, that caught up to me, big time. I wanted to be ‘loved best of all’. My parents had that kind of love. The difference is I felt I needed to keep dancing to impress potential and sustained partners. I figured if I shone brightly enough, dazzled them sufficiently and met their needs before they even asked, they weren’t going anywhere. Chameleon-like, I would adapt adeptly and find ways to be who I thought they wanted me to be. I would adopt their interests, justifying that it was merely entering into their world and learning about their lives. What I really wanted was to merge worlds. Sometimes it worked. Not totally altruistic, and in retrospect, pretty manipulative. I am conscious of that now and step around it when it shows up. Learning to be true to myself takes work and mindful attention. When I notice that co-dependent critter showing up, I sit her down and ask how I can meet her needs. Usually, she wants my compassion and nurturing. I am blessed with people who, if I ask, will offer that care as well.
I love a meme that was created by artist, author, and designer Karen Salmansohn who I consider an Inspirista. Her ideas tickle my sensibilities and spark my own imagination with an ‘if she can do it, I can do it,’ dynamic. She could have created the poster just for me and I found myself waving my hands wildly in recognition. It encourages the viewer to recognize their tendencies to twist themselves in knots to please and then unravel as a result. Oh, how I did that. Instead, she invites being ‘your whole enchilada’. When once I was a pretzel, now I’m an organic black bean, guacamole, with kale and veggie cheese enchilada.
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Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW is a colorfully creative journalist, inspiring transformational speaker, licensed social worker, interfaith minister, editor, radio host, BLISS coach, event producer, certified Laughter Yoga Leader, Cosmic Concierge, the author of The Bliss Mistress Guide To Transforming The Ordinary Into The Extraordinary and co-author of Embraced By the Divine: The Emerging Woman’s Gateway to Power, Passion and Purpose. She has also contributed to several anthologies and personal growth books. Edie has interviewed such notables as Ram Dass, Wayne Dyer, Debbie Ford, don Miguel Ruiz, don Miguel Ruiz, Jr. Marianne Williamson, Louise Hay, Grover Washington, Jr. Noah Levine, Shirley MacLaine, Dennis Weaver, Ben and Jerry and His Holiness the Dalai Lama. She calls herself an Opti-mystic who sees the world through the eyes of possibility. Edie writes for The Huffington Post, Psych Central, Beliefnet, Elephant Journal, The Good Men Project, Expanded Family, Meaningful Mom, Happenings Media, as well as a growing number of other venues. Edie is the founder of Hug Mobsters Armed With Love, which offers FREE HUGS events on a planned and spontaneous basis. www.opti-mystical.com
