What images come to your mind when you hear “date”, as in “I’m going on a date” or “I’m dating someone” ?
Do images of Hollywood movie scenes pop up in your mind? Candle-light dinners? Romance? Hair flying in the breeze? Sparks flying?
Donna met Jim on Coffee Meets Bagel. They decided to go for a coffee date. Up until now, Donna has been on her 78th coffee date and Jim on his 40th. What is this whole ordeal about first dates being coffee dates? How can people drink so much coffee? I mean, c’mon, isn’t caffeine a drug? Which makes Starbucks a drug dealer! Oops. I got carried away.
No, first dates aren’t limited to coffee dates, they’re also down to drinks only — to getting drunk so two people can loosen up and unwind, so they can feel like they’re being themselves. Oh, some matchmaking companies arrange lunch or dinner dates. One of the ladies who went to a regional matchmaking company is now my client. She told me their feedback was minimal and superficial at best.
Listen. If you’ve been doing your coffee, drinks & dinner dates and getting nowhere near a committed relationship, it’s time to rethink and reevaluate before you proceed. I have one, and only one intention behind this sharing — to help you increase your awareness of your repetitive (unconscious) behaviors that are bringing you the same results. I want to help women who want to be in a committed relationship. The following is going to be a rude awakening.
Who in the world sits down and has an intimate meal with someone they have just met if they’re looking for a long-term partner? When two people meet for coffee, drinks and dinners, which is very common by the way, people box themselves in to only-an-hour-or-two of possible connection. A date with a time limit is unhealthy.
Look around you. How many single people do you know? Of those single people, how many of them are doing different things in order to find someone worthy of their time?
Mateus Campos Felipe ob Unsplash
Remember That Time In School
Do you remember making friends in school? Did you guys sit across the table stuffing your faces asking typical interview questions or did you share a quick snack and hit the playground? How often did you meet? How many first dates did you have? If you’re using dating apps to meet people, you have to be ultra aware of your behavior including how you’re communicating with those people. Texting aborts your chances of relationships even before they begin. You have to understand your addictive behaviors if you seek to change them in order for you to have better experiences.
You’ve Got Competition
When you’re on an app to find someone of the opposite gender, you have to know
1. Who your competition is, and
2. What they are doing
The ones who are doing what everyone else is doing will continue to have the same experiences. Which bring attention to the amount of singles roaming this planet in search of love.
Photocredit : iStockPhoto.com
How Peter and Liz beat the odds
Peter and Liz were intentional about what they wanted from life and in their relationships. They were happy and fulfilled people with interesting hobbies and activities of interest. They were open to building the foundation of their relationship on friendship. So when they met, they didn’t do what everyone else was doing.
One of the things they found out that they both had in common was going on long walks and nature hikes. Unlike others on drinks and dinner dates, they were not on typical time limit. Their walks in nature took up a major part of the day. On their walks, they discovered they both shared similar values with regards to what was important to them in life — spending time with family and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
They took time to get to know each other over a span of six months. They realized that their connection was much better than when they used to go for drinking dates. They also realized that they had risen above the coffee and drinks competition.
People Go To Either Extremes
But Neha, everybody’s going on coffee, dinner and drinks dates? Hey, listen, I’m not saying coffee dates are bad, but please, for your own sake, let that happen after you have established a connection with your date.
To be honest, this whole ‘dating’ thing is BS. Over 60 years ago people didn’t date. Dating is a more recent thing. Look at the history of relationships, the increasing divorce rates and you’ll get a picture of what I’m trying to imply. According to Nationalaffairs.com the divorce rate more than doubled — from 9.2 divorces per 1,000 married women to 22.6 divorces per 1,000 married women between 1960 to 1980.
People didn’t date back then.
Yeah, yeah. I know, times have changed. We’re in the 21st century. Neha, what are you talking about? (Some women have asked me to go back… lol.) Honey, I’m in a stable relationship for the past 3.5 years after a divorce followed by 6 years of endless coffee, dinner or drink first dates. How I found the relationship of a lifetime in a busy city where (single) peoples’ attention-spans on dating apps are fucked and they’re always looking for someone better, is nothing short of a miracle. I’m grateful to love and serve my man, to wake up next to him every morning, to be loved and valued by him for who I am.
Umm…. So are you going on coffee, drinks and dinner dates?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
