Couples Fight Over This One Thing

When I was first married I didn’t want to fight over the day-to-day minutiae.

“What do you hate doing around the house?” I ask my husband.

“I don’t like doing anything daily,” he says.

“That’s fine,” I say. “I’ll do the dishes, laundry, vacuum, and any of the day-to-day stuff. I hate cleaning the bathrooms and taking out the trash so you do that once a week.”

One simple conversation and we never fought about cleaning. Looking back, I’d say it was genius but I didn’t have any insight. I just hated arguing.

But I was only smart enough to discuss one topic.

I didn’t bring up any other responsibilities.

Instead, I would later run interference. When my husband didn’t pay bills on time, I took them over. When he didn’t buy his mother a birthday present, I bought it. When he didn’t fix something or paint a room, I did it.

I had one more moment of insight when we had our first baby.

“I can get through an entire week,” I say. “As long as I can get one good night of sleep.”

I didn’t want my husband to have to get up in the middle of the night. And he left before our baby woke up and came home when it was time for him to go to sleep. I didn’t have any daily help.

“How about this,” I say. “On one weekend night, I go to bed early and you stay up until midnight and give the baby a bottle. Or I sleep in and you give the baby an early morning bottle.”

It worked.

It’s commonplace that couples will fight over this one thing. In the simplest of terms, it’s about living together. It’s about the distribution of duties but more importantly, it’s about self-responsibility.

“You left your dirty laundry on the floor.”

“You didn’t take out the trash.”

“You didn’t put your dishes in the dishwasher.”

“You didn’t call your mother back.”

“You didn’t paint the nursery.”

“You didn’t get the oil changed in the car.”

If you dial this back, this isn’t about chronological age.

It’s about maturity.

We shouldn’t have to remind people how to be adults. At least not on a constant and recurring basis. Yet we date people, marry them, and find ourselves alternating between frustration and nagging.

People should be allowed to leave dirty laundry on the floor, and dishes in the sink and delay getting the oil changed.

But not perpetually.

Do couples fight over other things?

Family, finances, and careers? Sure.

Some of these things are unavoidable. Outside forces are at play. You can’t control each other’s relatives. The economy or individual professions can impact your bank account. Career paths can foster transfers that bring geographic or other concerns.

But many arguments about daily life can be avoided.

We can be self-responsible and mature about our responsibilities. We can grow up. We can have enough self-respect to not need to be told what to do because we routinely neglect to do it.

But these common arguments are generally met with immature responses.

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“I’ll get to it.”

“You’re so uptight.”

“What’s wrong with a little mess?”

“Why do you care?”

Or passive-aggressive immaturity.

Ignore, ignore, ignore until your spouse is forced to do it for you. They will have to pay the bill, do the dishes, or do the laundry.

The child masquerading as an adult gets away with their bad behavior.

Couples fight over this one thing.

It’s about maturity, not age.

And it’s entirely avoidable.