Toxic Masculinity Has Word Power

Especially on the far right side of the political spectrum, people disparage the two words: “toxic masculinity”.

This gives the phrase, an adjective, and a subject, far too much power. It changes its meaning from a “man who displays toxic behavior” to quite incorrectly, “masculinity itself is toxic.”

There are clear psychological reasons why this happens. The first, of course, is automatic defense mechanisms. Hearing the words together somehow suggests to many who do not think it through, that toxic men are everywhere, according to victimized, “woke” people. This is wrong, of course. However when people wanting further justice want to be heard the last thing you want to suggest to your listener is that they are somehow to blame for the total system.

Think of saying “Black Lives Matter” and then hearing the retort, “All lives matter.” The retort clearly displays that rather than hearing “we too, want justice.” they are hearing that “some want special privileges” which is all wrong.

Women who hear “not all men” responses share a similar frustration.

There is another reason why pairing “toxic” with “masculinity” sets off alarms. The word “men” is a common, umbrella-type term involving whole human beings who are sensitive and influenced by culture.

When you hear “toxic medicine” you do not think of all medicine as toxic.

When you hear “toxic positivity” you do not think of all positivity as toxic.

When you hear “toxic person” even, you do not think of ALL persons as toxic. Our minds are primed by memes we carry, and alas, that’s not helpful when it comes to accurate language.

“Men” has become a loaded, clearly even, a politicized word. It is far more sensitive than medicine, plastics, or religion. We intuitively know when we hear “toxic religion” that not all religions are toxic, (some may dispute this, but they are in a minority!)

We are still very dualistic and binary in our psychology and thinking process. Masculinity changes with cultural shifts. Being aggressive, homophobic, overly stoic, sexist, and racist are commonly, fully understood, as complex, socialized, epigenetic, and only recently, largely negative terms. They are toxic, and people, including women, are influenced by this programming.

Defensiveness, then, is fully expected.

A lot of wasted outrage is due to the simple fact that people want clear, definitive terms that are mistakenly thought to be opposites in every case. Black and white, night and day, male and female.

But, reality fights back at these notions. No person is pure Black. No person is pure white. No twenty-four-hour period is ‘all light or all dark,” Everything in nature, and especially, social concepts that apply to organisms are not binary. They are on a spectrum, like light.

Therefore, women can very easily exhibit “toxic masculinity” in that they may have been taught rape is only rape if there’s a struggle. They may think that their little boy should be allowed, because of his sex, to be more physically aggressive without equal consequences. When a little girl causes a bloody nose we generally don’t call it toxic masculinity, even when she yells “I am a tomboy and Susie is slut who needs to learn her place!”

These are toxic behaviors, and behaviors that suggest anti-social “maleness” and “femaleness” are better labeled as “toxic behavior,” not ascribed to any binary notions.

Until we are free of such binary notions, we will hear the subject, (men) and not the adjective: (toxic).

Finally, the phrase, although useful when used correctly, very seldom is used correctly. Its haters assert toxic masculinity is not real.

Of course, they are using the aforementioned meaning that seems to say men are toxic, rather than the obvious use of an adjective in front of a subject. Again, a “red pill” does not negate the existence of a “blue pill.”

All pills are real, and sadly, our public discourse demands we take more and more: toxic self-mediation!

This misunderstanding creates true difficulties and needless opportunities for people to weaponize the concept. Things that all people must challenge are often based on false descriptions of real problems.

Man-made climate chaos is real. Man-made social roles are real. Patriarchy is real. Rape culture is real. Exclusion and classism are real. We cannot stop these things with our denial, although many, many, many people will try.

We just need to define words that we use, and use them wisely.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:

White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism

Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box

The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer

What We Talk About When We Talk About Men

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Photo credit: yassine rahaoui on Unsplash