Before speaking, one early Saturday afternoon in my favorite coffee shop, Anders leans across the table with a sly grin. “You know, Timothy my friend, there’s an art to influencing people, a skillful interplay of words and actions. It’s like a game really, but a game most people don’t even know they’re playing”.
He leans back, his eyes sparkling with a mix of confidence and mischief. “Take gaslighting, for example. It’s all about making them doubt themselves, questioning what’s real and what’s not. And all you do is plant a seed of doubt, water it, and watch it grow. And the emotions? Guilt, fear, even love… they’re all like strings to be pulled and you will find that people can be so beautifully predictable when you know just where to tug”.
His gaze suddenly turns thoughtful, perhaps reminiscing about past conquests and then lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “The true secret lies in selective truth-telling. Give them just enough to hang onto, a breadcrumb trail, if you will, that leads exactly where you want it to. Just enough information to serve your agenda. The rest? Well, that’s your little secret. You see what you’re essentially doing is manipulating perception, and when you master that, my friend, the world is yours.”
Of course, manipulation is universally considered to be unethical especially when it is harmful to those subjected to it. However master manipulators like Anders are people who are highly skilled at influencing or controlling others without their ever knowing it often through deception and cunning, untill come the ramifications.
Anders and his ilk excel at this because they understand human behavior and emotions and they exploit this knowledge to their own selfish ends regardless of the cost to their victims.
“You will find that people can be so beautifully predictable when you know just where to tug”.
Their strategies
Master manipulators employ various tactics to influence others to unwittingly do their bidding using a variety of strategies that we need to be aware of like, gaslighting as highlighted by Anders above. Gaslighting involves making people doubt their own perception of reality creating confusion that makes it harder for their victim to think clearly.
Other strategies used by the manipulators include using their charisma and flattery to create favorable impressions and gain the trust of their targets. Or they isolate their targets from friends and family so they become more dependent thereby making them all the more malleable.
If all fails, manipulators can always play the victim- a highly effective manipulative tactic. One reason being, when they play victim, they easily elicit the support and sympathy from those they are manipulating, making their targets feel less than human if they bring anything other than care and support for the supposed victim.
Playing the victim is also a strategy that allows them to deflect any blame or responsibility away from themselves. All these are situations that can be used by skillful manipulators to their advantage.
“Or they isolate their targets from friends and family so they become more dependent thereby making them all the more malleable.”
Our Defenses
To protect ourselves from these nefarious beings chiefly involves setting up firm boundaries and of course, enforcing them; we need to be aware of all their tactics, and then we need to maintain a healthy sense of self.
- Boundaries are important because they clearly define your limits especially if you communicate them assertively. So never be afraid to firmly say “no” when necessary.
Boundaries will also help you maintain your independence and one of the best ways you ensure them is by being cautious about sharing sensitive information with people you don’t fully trust. So whenever someone or something doesn’t feel right, trust your gut. - Learning about manipulation tactics will help you recognize them quickly when they occur. You can discuss any confusion or concerns you may have or doubts about a situation with trusted friends or family members to get their perspectives.
- “Maintaining a healthy sense of self” means having a clear understanding of your values and your worth as a person. It means, for one thing, having the confidence in your own judgment to trust your own perceptions and interpretations of events. You are also less likely to let others walk all over you when you recognize and believe in your own worth and you are able to assert your needs and communicate effectively.
Finally, as with abuse or other forms of emotional distress you can always seek professional help if you are dealing with a particularly manipulative, dangerous, or abusive individual. Trained professionals can offer specialized advice and strategies for dealing with your situation. They provide an objective viewpoint that may help you see your situation more clearly to make a more informed decision.
Know that taking this step means you are someone who is being proactive because you value, and are committed to your own well-being. It is therefore a sign of strength, not weakness.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Atikh Bana on Unsplash
