“Everything’s Perfect Except for One thing...he’s Married.”

Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

Understanding Affair Dynamics

He has found a way to manipulate the perception of the person he’s cheating with, projecting himself as a perfect being and a victim. In reality, the true victims are Jenny and his wife.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and my wife, Audrey Hussey. Before we jump into today’s topic, have you downloaded our brand-new free guide called “Bold Standards”? This super practical guide shows you how to communicate your standards.

Many people hear about raising their standards and setting better boundaries, but when it comes to actually expressing these in a non-aggressive and non-passive way, they often feel lost. This guide offers specific methods to communicate your needs effectively. So, check it out at BoldStandards.com after this episode!

A Divisive Topic

We are back, and I’m feeling very excited about this episode. It’s a topic likely to spark heated discussions and emotional comments because it’s inherently complex. The subject we’re covering today comes from an email sent to the podcast. If anyone wants to reach out, you can do that at PodcastMatthewHussey.com.

We couldn’t help but read this email and tackle it head-on, knowing it would be divisive. However, it felt important because it reflects real life. Many people find themselves in similar situations, and I’m excited to unpack this and provide advice for anyone else facing a similar dilemma.

Let’s begin by reading the email from someone we’ll call Jenny.

Jenny writes:
“Hello, lovely people! Wow, I can’t believe I’m writing to you after all these years of listening. I feel like I know you all, even though you don’t know me! Huge congratulations on the wedding, by the way.

I’ve debated over sending this message because it’s a situation filled with a lot of shame. I hope you can trust that I’m trying to navigate this with as much care and understanding as possible.

Over the past year, I’ve fallen for a colleague. It was unexpected and unplanned. We have worked closely together, getting to know each other on a deeper level. He is not my type—I would never have considered him before—but he has loved me in a way I’ve never been loved before. I’ve never felt so seen, respected, and supported.

He is incredibly kind and sweet, and I’ve felt safe imposing standards and boundaries. I believe I can voice my true feelings without worrying he’ll run away (I think I’m anxiously attached). We never argue in a negative way, and we have the best time together, discussing everything from our deepest feelings to silly topics for hours.

I believe he brings out my best self and gives me the space to be completely authentic. According to him, he has never felt so accepted and safe to be himself with anyone else as he does with me.

However, there’s a catch—he’s married and has a young child. He says they are miserable together, and at times, divorce papers have been sent. Yet, he fears she will make his life really difficult regarding his daughter, whom he adores. He seems completely conflicted about his situation.

So my question is, what should I do? I’m so angry with myself for falling for this unavailable man, yet I find it incredibly difficult to walk away. Should I give him an ultimatum? I understand how difficult his position is, but where does this leave me? He continues to ask to spend time together outside of work, which I now resist despite wanting to.

I hope you don’t deem me a bad person. This isn’t a position I imagined myself in, but I’ve found myself caring for him more and more, and I strongly believe this feeling is mutual. Am I crazy for thinking he married the wrong person? I would greatly appreciate any guidance or advice you can provide.

P.S. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. All the books, podcasts, and conversations I’ve had with you over the years have had more impact than you’ll ever know.”

A Call for Open Minds

I want to invite everyone listening, who may have strong gut feelings and reactions about this topic, to approach it with an open mind. It’s actually very brave of Jenny to share her story.

Anyone who has done therapy knows it can be terrifying to speak out loud about something you fear will be judged. You don’t want someone you respect to see you differently or tarnish your image. It requires incredible bravery to express something that may not align with your values.

There are others listening who have been on the receiving end of infidelity, making this a complicated and nuanced topic. We’ll break it down by discussing why people end up in these situations. Let’s face it—no one grows up wanting to be someone’s mistress. Then we’ll explore why married people engage in affairs and what’s happening inside these dynamics.

Why People End Up in Affairs

People often find themselves in these situations because they genuinely want love, but achieving that has proven much harder than they anticipated. They might not have met anyone they genuinely feel attracted to in a long time. And often, people struggle to create opportunities for connection outside their ordinary life.

At the end of a long workday, they may simply want to relax with their favorite show and a meal, with little energy left to search for love. For many, finding love is their number one life goal, especially when they seek coaching.

The love life can be a challenging area because people want it intensely, yet there seems to be little room or energy for that hunt. Additionally, the results can be disappointing, often leading one to encounters with individuals simply looking for a good time or those who aren’t the right match.

Where workplace dynamics come into play, you’re spending a significant part of your life with someone over time. The slow build of familiarity and intimacy can make it easier for feelings to develop, especially since there’s often less urgency compared to meeting someone in a coffee shop.

Gradually, as individuals interact daily, they become more comfortable with one another. This proximity fosters deep connections. Interestingly, a married person’s unavailability can lower the stakes of the interaction. This gives others the freedom to be themselves without the fear of rejection.

When someone is married, they no longer feel the pressure that comes with asking for contact information since there’s perceived safety in their unavailability. This often fosters chemistry and connection because it allows each person to reveal themselves fully without fear of judgment.

The Dynamics of Infidelity

For many who end up in such situations, it is typically the result of a series of interactions that push the relationship boundary rather than a single moral failing. Jenny’s email highlights this point. She fell for someone she worked with over time, which can easily lead to deeper feelings that may not have been initially sought.

Moreover, the person engaged in the affair may present themselves as a victim, painting their spouse negatively while trying to gain sympathy. This manipulation makes it easier to justify their actions. It is a common tactic observed in affairs.

Breaking Free

Let’s talk about what Jenny should do moving forward. The hard part of this conversation has been unpacking all of the layers and complexities of her situation—the logic, the emotions, and the dynamics at play. Ultimately, the decision left for Jenny is rather clear: she must end the relationship.

The simple truth is that Jenny deserves better than a dynamic that brings her shame. He may tell her that he’s unhappy, but that doesn’t give him the right to drag her along in a relationship he’s not prepared to commit to. Therefore, it’s time for her to cut ties and let this go for her own well-being.

Even if the other person is uncertain about their marriage, it’s unfair to string Jenny along while he’s not ready to fully commit. Ending this relationship would free her from the emotional weight it carries.

Closing Thoughts

To wrap this up, Jenny, I encourage you to step away from this situation. Remember, your time is valuable, and you deserve to invest that time in relationships that align with your values and commitments.

We want to thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your story, which many others may also resonate with. Remember that the shame you feel indicates a moral compass still exists within you. You are navigating a difficult and challenging situation thoughtfully.

Thank you, everyone, for listening today. If you found value in this discussion, please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share your thoughts or connect with us through email. We’d love to hear from you.

Finally, if you haven’t grabbed a copy of our book “Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What,” you can do so at LoveBook.com.

Thank you so much, everyone. It’s been a pleasure. Take care, and remember to love life!

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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