Brian Reinholz believes that the timeless quality of what it means to be a man is taking care of things more precious than yourself.
Twenty three-year old Brian Reinholz prefers to be identified as a man. Not “guy” or “bro” or even “dude.” Why? He views manhood as something more than just being macho: to him it means taking care of things that are more important than himself.
“I believe that to be a man, you must be entrusted with things more precious than your own life: be that the lives of a spouse, children, or taking the banner of a spiritual or political cause.”
Brian looks around him and sees other guys his age living without vision or accountability, which he thinks are keys to becoming a great man. Many of his peers avoid responsibility because they are afraid it will turn them into boring, tired people weighed down by eons of obligations. However, he says there’s a lot more to it than that:
“I hope that all young men can see responsibility and discipline not as something to fear, but something to aspire to as a means to greater ends. It’s not a drag on ‘the good times’ … it’s an opportunity, a freedom to aspire to greater things and maximize your self-potential.”
Brett and Kate McKay of The Art of Manliness agree with him: “Unfortunately, a lot of guys get stuck. […] They grow up in a culture that emphasizes negative freedom as the end all, be all of life; happiness equals being able to do whatever you’d like. So they never make the transition from thinking about freedom from, to thinking about freedom to. But that transition is a big part of going from boy to man.”
So, at twenty-three, how does he plan to do that in his own life and how will he carry his vision of manhood into the future?
“[I plan] to build a solid foundation for my life. Specifically: a solid foundation for my marriage, solid principles for parenting, to work on my own character, discipline, virtues, etc. … to have clear life direction as far as my career goes, my purpose, etc. To have a connection to God that is a guiding force in all these aspects.”
While it may sound like he has everything figured out, Brian is quick to acknowledge that is not the case, but the soon he works on it, the faster it will serve and affect his future. He also thinks the meaning of manhood has not really changed over the last couple of decades. While things may change culturally, the core of what it means to be a man in this world is the same as is always has been and always will be:
“We can still look to the men who, throughout history, put others before themselves, fought for what they believed in, loved with reckless abandon, faced adversity and didn’t blame others for their hardships. These are the type of men we should all aspire to be. There’s no finish line—it’s a daily battle with the darker parts of our nature, and the belief in better days ahead.”
Photo credit: andrewmalone / Flickr
(This is a continuation of a conversation started here: https://goodmenproject.com/good-is-good/the-male-shadow/comment-page-1/#comment-136809) “There’s a big mistake in this reasoning caused by the problem of our species being binary with regards to sex: You MUST be exactly one of the two, you cannot choose nor can you change (properly).” Except for people who aren’t (intersex)…oh and except that you’re confusing biological sex (male/female) with gender (man/woman)…and not all cultures have a binary gender system. As to the rest of what you’re saying, Adi, I think you’re reading far too much into it. You say that there is no reason to refer just to… Read more »
you should always be your priority and should always come first or your going to wake up ten years down the road and realize your life is not your own
Kipling, in the voice of a soldier referring to Royal Marines, said, “we’re most of us liars an’ ‘arf of us thieves an’ the rest as rank as can be. But once in a while We can finish in style, Which I ‘ope it won’t happen to me.” Referring specifically to the Birkenhead disaster. One of the life boats was commanded by a very junior officer. When he discovered that one of the men in the water was married, he insisted on changing places with the man. There being no room for more. As soon as the exchange was completed,… Read more »
This post is telling others they should make sacrifices. THAT is what I have a problem with. To make a sacrifice of the kind you described should be left to the individual and not done because others expect it. And then it also counts for so much more.
For men in general, or for captains specifically?” You’ll have to ask him. He offered his remarkable insight in the context of criticizing Captain Sullenberger. “Because for men in general, even you admit “Leaving a sinking ship is common sense” and don’t hold ay ill will for all those non-captain men who showed weakness, let go of control, and didn’t put themselves at the end of the queue.” I never said that all men should put themselves at the end of the queue. “Your captain examples don’t accurately apply to men in general.” I used Sully as an example of… Read more »
There is nothing more harmful to a family than a loved one who takes a self sacrificial role and consequently will not talk about let alone deal with his own problems until it’s too late. You cannot even help such a person because doing so will make them pull away further and even lead to breaking up the family leaving everyone with a crushing sense of guilt and resentment at each other. We are ultimately all responsible first and foremost to our own well being. We cannot help others if we don’t first help ourselves. There is a reason why… Read more »
Yes. As the flight attendants say: “Put on your won oxxygen mask before helping others”. Everyone can see the sense in that instruction. It can however have a subtextual meaning where a man must take care of oneself IN ORDER TO be able to help others. A meaning which erases any self-inherent worth of the man – he is reduced to his function and what he is to others. One way this sentiment surface is in reports focusing only on the impact male suffering (killings, imprisonment etc.) has on the comunity, wifes/widows and chilren without any consideration at all about… Read more »
I think you two have missed the overarching point here. The best leaders do so by example, which includes being willing to sacrifice for the benefit of others – but not to the unnecessary detriment of self, thereby denying your family of your healthy presence. Perhaps the best way to illustrate it is the example of Captain C.B. “Sully” Sullenberger, who DID get off the plane finally, but not until he ensured that all under his stewardship were off safely. He did NOT go down with the ship unnecessarily, but he was fully prepared to do so in order to… Read more »
“to argue that putting one’s needs/wants/desires first and foremost without considering the impact on one’s family is not a healthy life philosophy. ” Classic straw man fallacy. I never said that one should not consider the impact on one’s family. I clearly pointed out that there are more ways than either “selfish” or “selfless”. You don’t seem to think so. Even your mention of “pointless” self sacrifice verses “necessary” self sacrifice rests entirely on its utility for others. In other words, he’s either selfish in sacrificing himself in an useless way or he’s selfless by sacrificing himself when necessary. And… Read more »
“I clearly pointed out that there are more ways than either “selfish” or “selfless”. You don’t seem to think so.” Strawman. And not even a good one. Your “gender emancipation” brings us men like cowardly, selfish “Captain” Francesco Schettino who made sure to take very good care of himself first, abandoning his ship with 4,000 passengers in order to do so, causing the drowing of 25 passengers. Thankfully, waitresses and singers stayed on board to heroically help the majority survive, some dying in the effort. Good thing they grasped the concept of being willing to be self-sacificing or the death toll… Read more »
What you are failing to include is the degree of responsibility a Captain has over the situation. Captain Schettino is deemed cowardly because he was the Captain (name me a single member of the bridge crew that was with him on the lifeboat. You likely can’t (without a great deal of research) because, despite them doing exactly the same thing the Captain did, they had not been given the authority to, nor the responsibility for, everyone’s safety), he was the one responsable for everyones safety, he was the one responsible for the ships safety, and when he failed to do… Read more »
@ Eric. If you want to stand a chance in a debate with me, you will have to maintain a minimum standard that includes pointing out where and why something I said was supposedly a fallacy. Just calling something a “straw man” is insufficient bordering pathetic. Let me show you how it’s done: “Your “gender emancipation” brings us men like cowardly, selfish “Captain” Francesco Schettino…“ There are several fallacies in this statement either one of which are sufficient to nullify your argument: 1) We do not know if he is gender emancipated. You’re simply assuming he’s gender emancipated and any… Read more »
Your “gender emancipation” brings us men like cowardly, selfish “Captain” Francesco Schettino…“ Captain Coward Schettino did precisely what you claim gender emancipated men do, “show weakness” and “let go of control.” You can have the gender emancipated Schettino. I’ll stick with the likes of Sully. His behavior is an exact match to what you described as the traits that 50 years of gender emancipation has taught certain men, which has freed them from “damaging concepts of masculine gender roles.” Ask the families of the 25 dead people how they feel about a captain who “showed weakness” and “let go of… Read more »
Most of this is just trying to throw his words back in his face, without proper context. You repeatedly equate Captain Schettino’s cowardice with his gender, and choose to ignore his position as captain. Furthermore, you choose to ignore the idea that calling any man on that boat a coward for not moving to the back of the queue is nothing more than a shaming tactic used on men to give women privilege. The old social contract, where men’s general selflessness was rewarded with respect and authority, both within the family, and within the greater society as a whole, no… Read more »
“You repeatedly equate Captain Schettino’s cowardice with his gender, and choose to ignore his position as captain.” 1) He is a man. 2) He “showed weakness” 3) He “let go of control” According to Adi’s own words, that is a “gender emanicipated” man. Schettino is a perfect match. “the idea that calling any man on that boat a coward for not moving to the back of the queue is nothing more than a shaming tactic used on men to give women privilege.” Strawman. Feel free to quote me having said that. I’ll be here. “The old social contract, where men’s… Read more »
“1) He is a man. 2) He “showed weakness” 3) He “let go of control” According to Adi’s own words, that is a “gender emanicipated” man. Schettino is a perfect match.” There were lots of men on that boat that did the exact same thing. It is the captain that is called a coward for it because HE WAS THE CAPTAIN, not because he was a man. This is what you are missing, or choosing to be blissfully ignorant of. The only reason he is deemed a coward is because he failed his station, not his gender. “Strawman. Feel free… Read more »
@ Eric You’re still trying. How cute. It’s a pity your ability to learn is nullified by (hopefully just) your determination to crusade for the “good old” values. One would have thought the verbal spanking, that your attempt to argue with me has earned you, might have given you a reason to consider that your pathetic need for validation of the “good old” values might not be quite fruitful enough to justify such intellectual humiliation as you’re receiving right now. But that, of course, is assuming that such consideration is even something you’re emotionally capable of given that you might… Read more »
There were lots of men on that boat that did the exact same thing.” Leaving a sinking ship is common sense. “It is the captain that is called a coward for it because HE WAS THE CAPTAIN, not because he was a man. Wrong. Adi gendered it, not me. Take your argument up with him. He defined “gender emancipated” in the context of criticizing Captain Sully for not “letting go of control” and “not showing weakness.” By contrast, Schinetto did precisely those things, matching his definition of a “gender emancipated” MAN. Strawman. Quote me using the term “shame.” I’ll… Read more »
Adi, I understand your departure. It is simply not possible to top your stunning logic that “showing weakness” and “letting go of control” as a “gender emancipated” man is better than Captain Sullenberger’s approach.
“It is simply not possible to top your stunning logic that “showing weakness” and “letting go of control” as a “gender emancipated” man is better than Captain Sullenberger’s approach.” For men in general, or for captains specifically? Because for men in general, even you admit “Leaving a sinking ship is common sense” and don’t hold ay ill will for all those non-captain men who showed weakness, let go of control, and didn’t put themselves at the end of the queue. Your captain examples don’t accurately apply to men in general. Showing weakness and letting go of control are not attributes… Read more »
Too nested now. Starting a new thread.
Screw this. You want men to start “taking on more adult responsibility”? You’d better damn well make it worth our while to do so. I can’t even afford to take care of myself without working two, maybe even three jobs. (A single gallon of gas is a half-hour’s worth of labor for me) And damn near every time I’ve “put others ahead of myself” I’ve been kicked in the face for my trouble. I will probably never be able to retire, and I’ve taken on thousands of dollars worth of debt to attempt to get a degree that probably won’t… Read more »
“I believe that to be a man, you must be entrusted with things more precious than your own life: be that the lives of a spouse, children, or taking the banner of a spiritual or political cause.”
so being an unmarried, atheist, with no children, who doesn’t identify with a political theory makes me a 27 year old child?
… I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel insulted.
So conversely, being a woman is all about putting yourself ahead of men.
If putting others first is the defining quality of masculinity, then it this is what is being said about women.
“Ladies first”, “Women and children first” – chivalry and feminism have so much in common.
That might be implied but that’s not the point. I wouldn’t recommend that if you’re a wife and/or mother especially.
Well, if you are going to be the one making these sacrifices, then I see you as necessarily being in a position of authority. I know if my ass is the one on the line then you can be sure I will be calling the shots. The modern resentment stems from the fact that men are expected to pay the costs without getting to be the boss. Male dominance has fallen out of fashion while male servitude has not. Take your pick, please.
Having more responsibilites is a “drag on good times” While self sacrifice itself isn’t bad there should always be limits. Thing is everyone has a different meaning of self sacrifice and this becomes a problem when people are fighting to put their meaning above others ——– The same can be said about what it means to be a man or “real man”. There are people who will use the average man’s need to be seen as a “real man” by society to take advantage of them. Their definition of a “real man” tends to fit nicely with the advantages and… Read more »
Thanks everyone for your comments…I wanted to reply to each individually but there are quite a few! 🙂 I appreciate the input that several people brought up about the dangers of being a martyr. Certainly, both men and women have found themselves in abusive (emotionally/physically) relationships under the pretense of “putting others before themselves.” However, altruism is at the heart of moral courage. If we lose a sense of self-sacrifice (granted, this self-sacrifice needs common sense and care for the self too!!), I think the world will be a far worse place. Think of it this way…have you ever tried… Read more »
Well… each relationship has a dynamic that “works” for it..
I would generally have highest expectations of my mate, as she would of me.
Just in general, it’s sad where there there is only reciprocity instead of both partners just giving 110%…
Please stop hurting people. Please just stop it. And don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about because anyone knows that saying people’s genitalia make them less valuable is going to hurt. I did not ask to be a man and I’m sick and tired of demands, shaming, devaluing and restrictions just because I happen to be born with these so hated male genitalia. Being a man is nothing other than an accident of birth, same for women. Neither is an accomplishment nor a subscription to subservience. It neither entitles nor obligates you to anything. Apparently you didn’t know… Read more »
Hi Adi – I am sorry for the hurt you feel. I apologize that what I said seems to have come across as trying to make men feel guilty, or shamed, into being self-sacrificial. Rather, I want to encourage us all to live our lives with vision, with honor, with a desire to do good to those around us, and yes, to put others first NOT because they’re ‘better’ than us but because we want to see good done in our world. I am proud to be a man and I think we all should be. I don’t want anyone… Read more »
“Think of it this way…have you ever tried to move from one house to another by yourself? It sucks. But moving with 6 friends is a breeze. So it is with many things in life…if we put others before ourselves we all get built up.” What you are describing is generosity, not sacrifice. Generosity is helping a friend move on a day off, sacrifice is helping a friend move while you should be speaking to a banker waits to help you stop your house from being forclosed. Generosity is giving a homeless person the 5 dollars you happened to have… Read more »
Not a matter of groveling. A man might have to insist his family do the right thing, even if they don’t want to, and accept that they’re going to be annoyed at him. OTOH, I talked to a MSW in family practice who said that if a dad/hubby does not, from time to time, arbitrarily inconvenience the family in favor of his own interests–not, say, insisting the kids not play in the street but perhaps a hobby of his own–they will have no respect for him. And if he needs to get their attention about something important, he’ll be…um, spitting… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more Brian. Especially with this:
“I hope that all young men can see responsibility and discipline not as something to fear, but something to aspire to as a means to greater ends. It’s not a drag on ‘the good times’ … it’s an opportunity, a freedom to aspire to greater things and maximize your self-potential.”
In our” me” culture, I fear this is something we are loosing in both young men and women.
Brian, – You are very misguided if you think that any women including your wife is more important or valuable then yourself. Proud to be a man? Seems like there is a distinct lake of confidence, self respect, value of oneself going on here. Serving women and as if you are some “worker bee” is not what being a man us all about, it is what women have told men like you that being a man is all about. And the real irony is that the more you act in this way that you think is a “man” the less… Read more »
I did not even think of the Game implications. You are correct, most (not all) women try to coerce men into shameless grovelling, and then have no respect or attraction to the self-denigrating loser.
If you think being generous or loving your family (as women also place themselves in sacrificial roles in family, both should look to take care of the other) is groveling? I don’t know how to understand this.
Not all of us want “game” in our lives. We want people, good times, love, connection.
Julie, you are taking the issues out of context. The author claims that the wife is more valuable than the man himself. It is not about being generous or loving your family. A person can be generous and love his family without self-depreciation. If any sacrifices are to be made, then they should be made for the benefit of the family. If a man hold out that he is less valuable than this wife and his wife also starts believing so, then his wife would certainly lose respect for him. When any sacrifices are to be made, then you know… Read more »
What Brian seem to be saying is that he has decided that the lives of a spouse, children, a political, or religious idea are worth committing his life to. That by committing his life to the benefit of something he values he gives his life purpose, and in that way he makes his life more valuable to himself. I commend Brian on that it is a very difficult thing to do and is a truly manly and admirable decision
By deciding that a political or religious idea is more valuable than his life, he did not become manly, but a “useful idiot” for others to manipulate.
In today’s society working hard and uncomplainingly for others will just earn you a shorter lifespan, little if any respect perhaps surprisingly but even especially from the woman in your life, and contempt from society in general. Most men are like this, but what sort of respect do they get? They get the powers that be playing with statistics to paint them as heartless, thoughtless, violent abusers, pedophiles and rapists. That women today are so paranoid of the average man speaks to the effectiveness of that propaganda. Young men are starting to understand that they will never get the respect… Read more »
Very nicely put. You’ve just made yourself a few enemies.
Brian, if I may comment, you only get it halfway when it comes to being a man. Being a man also means standing up for yourself and your feelings, fighting back against those who use assumption and stereotypes as a gauge. The thing is though, men putting others before themselves has lead to where they are now in the first place: Lost and confused. So all they have to draw on are unhealthy expressions of masculanity and women’s ideas of what they should be according to their standards. Caught between these two things with no self-confidence in expressing their true… Read more »
People who are generous in giving end up being the rich ones, the loved ones, the appreciated ones, the respected ones, the ones who, when they have a need, people are anxious to rush to their aid. They want to give back. Whereas, me-first self-centeredness is a fast trip to nowhere and thin and shallow relationships. Women love men who are strong in their willingness to give of themselves, especially for their families and those in need. After spending time with my family the other night, I got an emergency call to assist a person in need of medical assistance.… Read more »
Studies and research says otherwise.
Where are these studies and research? It’s been in my experience that selfless individuals are often better off than selfish ones.
Keep in mind the how tricky it is to establish causal relationships. It could just as well be that being well off and respected makes it easier to be generous with other people. But being generous and selfless may not be a good strategy for becoming well off and respected.
I’m not saying that _is_ the case. But it’s worth noting as a possibility. My actual guess is that there is some combination of factors at work.
“People who are generous in giving end up being the rich ones, the loved ones, the appreciated ones, the respected ones, the ones who, when they have a need, people are anxious to rush to their aid. They want to give back.” Tell that to the plethora of fathers out there who did everything for their children, only to have them torn away, called abusers, denied the chance to see those children, stripped of their assets and left with a pittance of their pay after taxes, spousal and child support and unable to pay any legal fee’s because the courts… Read more »
Mark, I get what you’re saying. And I’m NOT saying that there aren’t horrifically selfish women out there who will abuse a good man’s sacrifices. My point applies equally to women. Being a selfish person (male or female) gets us as individuals, families, a nation, and a global society nowhere fast. The “me-first” philosophy (even if unspoken) has resulted in precisely what you are referring to. Blame can’t be placed exclusively or primarily on the shoulders of men or women, as both are equally guilty (IMO) of making things all about themselves – later for the husband, later for the… Read more »
” My point applies equally to women.” And yet, this article (I know, you didn’t write it) is named “being a man means …”. This article tells us repeatedly that this sacrifice is a part of manhood. You yourself, in the sentence before this quoted one, say ” a good man’s sacrifices”, reinforcing what the article says. All this makes clear that it is required of men. Sure, it’s nice of women to likewise make sacrifices for her family, but it’s only required of a man. At least, so long as he wants to be identified as a man and… Read more »
Thank you! Trouble in many ways! I am in that boat. Never again!
“I believe that to be a man, you must be entrusted with things more precious than your own life: be that the lives of a spouse ..” Well, at least this one is honest about his prejudice. Telling men that their lives are worth less than the lives of women may be honest, but it is a terrible crime. The cost of this horror is measured in hundreds of thousands of lost lives per year, as boys and men throw their own “worthless” lives away in acts of suicide or worse. Do you have ANY idea of the incaculable harm… Read more »
Anthony…I could not agree with you more. Setting yourself up for miserable consequences. I poured myself into a marriage and ended up being manipulated and stepped upon by rich in laws and their daughter that I regret marrying. It may depend upon the one you marry…but never ever forget…it is a 2 street instead of being homeless, broke as a joke, and lost time with your kids. It is not worth thee misery and extreme agony.
“I believe that to be a man, you must be entrusted with things more precious than your own life: be that the lives of a spouse, children, or taking the banner of a spiritual or political cause.” – That’s what you believe in, keyword being: YOU.- “Brian looks around him and sees other guys his age living without vision or accountability, which he thinks are keys to becoming a great man. Many of his peers avoid responsibility because they are afraid it will turn them into boring, tired people weighed down by eons of obligations. However, he says there’s a… Read more »
Putting others before yourself can be a dangerous endeavor indeed. Heck, putting others before myself in my marriage is a big reason why my ex wife filed for divorce. Yes…it is important, but you need to take care of number 1…YOU. I didnt take care of me and now I am living in condemnation. I see my kids 4 days per month. Live in poverty as a result of a bad choice…marriage. So much for being a good man that puts others before himself. Sacrifice in some areas with a balance in life.
And being a woman means putting yourself before others!
Indeed. That is true as well. Mrs. Eric M. does that all the time.
The things you describe, putting others before yourself, I’ve been doing for about 32 years or so. I don’t expect or feel I deserve a commendation or medal for this as it just felt the right thing to do. I do take exception with your last statement “it’s a daily battle with the darker parts of our nature”. There was no “battle”, never a question of what was right. Did I Behave wrongly at times? Of course, still do at times (impaitence is a reaccuring flaw of mine and often causes me to make moves and decisions I regret). One… Read more »
I agree and have made this point here numerous times. As I mentioned here earlier today, my wife considers me the head of the family – which means I put them first. I am the one that serves them. Well, we serve each other but if one of us must carry the heaviest burden (whatever that burden may be), it will always be me. I am happy to do it and ultimately benefit from having a happy, secure family that loves and respects me.