As a male therapist, I’ve noticed a commonality among my male clients coming to seek therapy for the first time. One. They rarely have the ability to recognize, name, and communicate their emotions. Two. Stress from their job is normalized, therefore minimized as “that is just work stuff” or “all part of the job”. The reality is that when we minimize work, we are minimizing the emotions around work.
Work has always been embedded in the fabric of our livelihood. This is why, for men, it is common to allow work to bypass the restraints of boundaries and emotional regulation. And why wouldn’t it be? We need to work for food, shelter, clothing, and basic needs. It’s kind of important. The deeper we dive into the identity of men as providers, we’ll find cultural, familial, religious, and other institutional norms. But there is also the expectation that we, as men, are just supposed to take the stressors that come from work on the proverbial chin. Conversely, there is no expectation to actually deal with the emotions that come up throughout the workday.
Let’s say John is in middle management, trying to lead a team but also dealing with his own “front line” work. Another team lead comes to him angry, telling him that one of his team members made a mistake and it messed up their project. John immediately comes down hard on his team member for their mistake, and tells him to step aside because, “I’ll just do it myself”.
There is more here than just the feedback about one of John’s team members. John also has a lot going on after the initial interaction with the other team lead. What was it like for John to be talked to in that way? Was there anger at the other leader? Fear of his reputation or even job? Shame that he did something wrong? Was he being perceived as a bad leader? None of this entered into John’s mind, but all of it landed in his nervous system. He allowed himself to be reactive, essentially transferring that aggression to his team member and creating more work for himself.
Cut to John now in my office, telling me this story, visibly heated. I allow him to finish and describe to him how he seems affected by this experience. He agrees but doesn’t actually share what he is feeling. I ask him where he feels whatever he is feeling. He takes a pause, and I know that he is taking inventory of his body. He tells me there is pressure on his shoulders and neck. I challenge him to focus all his attention on that feeling. That’s when he both lightens up and opens up. He tells me he feels like he is “under the gun” at work and is afraid that if he or his team makes a mistake, it means him getting punished or fired. And there it is. He’s recognized and named his feelings in his own unique way!
When we aren’t able to take a beat, we react. In this situation, John didn’t think about his capacity for more work. If he did, he would have responded differently. How many of us actually know our capacity at work? When is it too much? What is the limit before we say enough? Men need to take stock of how much is on our plate at work, and where the limit is.
What does “taking stock” look like in real time? Have you ever felt physically weighed down, or a tension in your chest, or a pit in the stomach? We generally push these sensations away, or if they are more intense, we worry about and ruminate on them. Taking stock means noticing these sensations. What would it be like to put our focus on these feelings without worry or judgment? It could sound like “I’m feeling this” versus, “I can’t deal with this right now” or “something’s wrong here.”
After I present this to my clients, I invite them to just be with that weight or tension. Giving it the nonjudgmental attention lightens these sensations for the most part. I then invite them to be curious about the feelings. What might make up this weight? That’s how I help them connect to their emotions.
John begins to recognize and understand that there is anxiety after he allows himself to just be with that pressure in his shoulders. This is key to helping address burnout. It’s tough to jump into ways of coping like mindful breathing, leaning on support, exercise, etc. when we haven’t really recognized what is happening in our bodies and our heads.
With all this, what stands out to you about John’s story? Can you relate to a tension in the next or shoulders, a weight, or other physical feeling? How can you connect that to some emotions?
Now, could we talk about where that fear of punishment that John has is coming from? Sure, we could go into work dynamic, and culture, or we could go into John’s beliefs about himself and how he never feels like he does enough (And there could be articles focused more on that). But the purpose of this article is to really zoom in to how we as men, can get more of a grasp of our emotions in our own unique way. This is the first part of understanding ourselves and what leads to burnout.
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