Ted Cox took on the identity of a closeted Mormon for a weekend of crying, singing, and wrestling. It was the first time he felt another man’s erection.
I don’t remember exactly when I felt his erection pressing into my back. It might have been while he whispered in my ear, “Long ago, you were the Golden Child. But somehow, that Golden Child was hurt, and you put up a wall to protect yourself.” Or it might have been when other men in the room broke out in song:
How could anyone ever tell you
That you’re anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
That you’re less than whole?
I sat on the floor between the outstretched legs of a camp guide, my head leaning back against his shoulder. The guide sat behind me, his arms wrapped around my chest. This hold was called the “Motorcycle.” Five men surrounded the two of us, their hands resting gently on my arms, legs, and chest.
There were about 10 other groups like this sitting on the floor in the darkened room. One guide gave “healing touch therapy” while the surrounding men rested their hands on the receiver. Some men were held in the Motorcycle position. Others were turned toward their guide, cradled the way a parent would hold a child who had just scraped her knee on the sidewalk.
In one corner of the room, a portable stereo played Shaina Noll’s song. At one point, the staff members all sang out in unison, their voices filling the high walls of the camp lodge. Somewhere in the room, a man sobbed over the sound of the music.
It was the first night of “Journey into Manhood,” or JiM, a 48-hour weekend retreat designed to help gay men become straight. In that room, about fifty men—some 30 “Journeyers” and 15 staff members—sat on the carpeted floor of a ranch lodge two hours outside of Phoenix, Arizona. Most of the men, except for a few of the staff members, struggled to overcome their attraction to other men.
Sometime during all that holding and touching and singing, while I was cradled in the Motorcycle position, I felt it: the unmistakable bulge pressing through his tight jeans. It was the first time in my life I had a felt another man’s erection.
♦◊♦
What the staff members and other Journeyers didn’t know was that I was attending the weekend undercover. I’m straight. I’m also an atheist. By that February evening, I had been undercover in the so-called “ex-gay” movement for just over a year. Before signing up for the $650 JiM weekend, I had attended weekly support-group meetings and weekend conferences geared toward Christian men and women desperately trying to overcome their same-sex attractions. I am currently writing a book about my experiences posing as a same-sex-attracted Christian man—“SSA man,” in the lingo.
My motivation for undertaking this wild project stems from several factors. First, I was raised in the Mormon church, which has taken the lead against equal marriage rights for gays and lesbians. It’s been 10 years since I left Mormonism, and I feel a particular need to stand up against the church’s well-funded opposition to marriage equality. (I wonder what Mormonism’s polygamous founder, Joseph Smith, Jr., and his successor, Brigham Young, would say about the “Marriage = 1 Man + 1 Woman” bumper stickers slapped on so many Mormon minivans.)
Second, while the ex-gay movement has publicly declared they can bring “freedom from homosexuality,” there’s no evidence that someone can change his or her orientation through these religiously motivated programs. Rather than turning straight, the men and women I met throughout this project dealt with a cycle of repression, backsliding into sin, then shame, guilt, and repentance. These programs collect hundreds of thousands of dollars each year on a promise they can’t deliver.
Third, these programs are dangerous. Ex-gay watchdog groups document the stories of men who, after years of failed attempts to become straight, resort to suicide. Later I’ll introduce you to Eric, a fellow JiM attendee who would hook up with men on Craigslist and then go home to his unsuspecting wife. For many men in ex-gay programs, often their wives, friends, family, and church members have no idea they struggle with SSA.
What I saw and experienced at JiM both enraged and disturbed me. I had trouble staying in character as I watched one man, as part of his therapy, act out beating his father to death with a baseball bat—just one of several “Are you kidding?” moments. How anyone could believe that a JiM weekend could turn a man straight still baffles me.
To be fair, I had several positive experiences that weekend. I saw several men, some for the first time in their lives, lose the anxiety they felt about their sexual orientation. Up until that weekend, some of them had never told anyone about their struggle with SSA. In the course of the retreat, they would relax around other men who struggled the same way they did.
♦◊♦
Journey into Manhood cofounder and “Certified Life Coach” Rich Wyler goes to great lengths to keep his techniques hidden from public scrutiny. Only after I had booked my non-refundable flight and paid the non-refundable retreat deposit was I informed that all Journeyers are required to sign a confidentiality agreement. Last year, when I attempted to write an article for Salt Lake City Weekly to run the week that Journey into Manhood arrived in Salt Lake City, Wyler complained to the paper, citing the confidentiality agreement I signed.
While the article idea I pitched to SLC Weekly would discuss only publicly available information about Wyler and Journey into Manhood, SLC Weekly—citing insufficient time to run the piece past their legal department—pulled the article and interviewed me instead.
After that interview, I discussed the confidentiality agreement with attorneys, editors, journalists, and gay-rights activists. As a result of those discussions, I have decided to discuss in detail several aspects of the JiM weekend. The decision was not easy. But given what I experienced, the pain many of these men feel, and the money Wyler’s organization takes from them, I feel obligated to speak out.
The Friday morning of the retreat, I double-checked my bags to make sure I didn’t pack anything that might divulge my true identity or my secular tendencies. Stricken from the usual weekend-getaway packing list were my iPod (for the Rage Against the Machine and Immortal Technique albums), and my current reading list (Karen Armstrong’s The Bible: A Biography and Tom Wolfe’s The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test).
Before flying out of my hometown of Sacramento, I sent the camp location and phone number to a handful of friends. I told them that if they didn’t hear from me by Sunday night, they should contact the authorities. I did fear a bit for my safety: I worried what would happen if I was, well, outed.
The flight stopped over at LAX, where a blinking cockpit light forced passengers to switch planes. So by the time I touched down in Phoenix, I was almost an hour late. I rushed through the baggage claim looking for Robert, my carpool driver.
In the days leading up to the retreat, PCC (“People Can Change,” the sponsor) arranged for men driving from close locations or arriving at the airport at close times to ride together to camp. Since I had paid almost $900 in camp fees and airfare, my wallet was happy to avoid renting a car for the weekend.
♦◊♦
I’m riding with three other men. Two of them sit in those slouchy leather airport chairs. The third guy’s plane should touch down soon.
Robert is a quiet, pudgy, middle-aged man from California. He’s married with children, has attended ex-gay programs for several years, and signed up for JiM (“Journey into Manhood”) on the recommendation of one of his ministry leaders.
Dave is a young father from Texas. He’s a lifelong Mormon and works a corporate job. Before attending JiM, he took part in the controversial “New Warrior Training Adventure” weekend.
Tony finally de-planes. As we climb into Robert’s rental car, Tony shares his story: he’s single, in his 30s, and hails from Texas, where he works as a biologist. He tells us that this is his second time attending JiM. I’m surprised: doesn’t the effectiveness of the JiM weekend depend on our not knowing what happens beforehand? Isn’t that the reason we have to keep JiM techniques secret?
I prod Tony to divulge information about what to expect, but he won’t budge. Plus, he attended a few years ago, and he thinks the program may have changed since then.
As the city gives way to dry rolling desert hills, we talk about our lives.
Dave talks about life with his boys. Robert and his wife have been struggling financially, but they seem to be doing OK. Tony loves his work in the science field.
For the most part, I dodge the group’s questions. But when pressed, I try to answer their questions with as much truth as possible.
I use the same cover story since I began attending ex-gay programs: From a young age, I was attracted to other guys (false); I was raised in the Mormon church (true), and served a mission (true); I married in my early 20s (true), but the marriage fell apart (true) after I fell in love with my best friend, Brian (false). After my younger brother’s suicide in 2003 (true), I reevaluated my life (true) and had a religious reconversion (false). I recently joined ex-gay ministries in 2007 (true), even though I still haven’t found a new faith (false).
Yes, I’m lying to them. And I feel horrible for it. It doesn’t help that from our long conversation during the ride to camp, I learn that these guys are good men, the kind of people you hope to have as neighbors.
♦◊♦
The mood in the car grows tense with anticipation as we travel the last few twisty miles to the white ranch gates. Outside the window, the desert stretches out in all directions. We’re in the middle of nowhere.
As Robert pulls the car into the dirt parking lot, I panic. What happens if my cover is blown? Or if I decide I want to leave the weekend early? The carpool saved me some cash, but on the other hand, I can’t really leave unless Robert drives me out. Or would I have to walk the dusty dirt road to the highway? And then what? Hitchhike back to the airport?
It feels like no matter what happens, I’m stuck here for the weekend.
Robert shuts off the engine. Per the instructions PCC emailed us before the weekend, I collect everyone’s cellphones and close them up in the glove compartment. There will be no contact with the outside world until Sunday afternoon.
The four of us step out of the car and pull our bags out of the trunk.
Then things get real weird, real fast.
About Ted Cox
For your information, this is someone's experience at a Journey into Manhood camp. I'm glad you got out of going to the [...]
Vocalyze
It’s easy to make people seem crazy when you set out to portray them that way from the outset. This is an example of hack-journalism, or pseudo-anthropology at its worst. If anyone here wants to read thoughtful and fair minded work, read Tanya Erzen’s _Straight to Jesus_ (U California Press). She’s an anthropologist who makes an attempt to understand the people she writes about, not just cast them as evil exploiters on the one hand, or pitiable dupes on the other. Also, to get another side to the supposed scientific consensus on these questions, you might read Jones and Yarhouse, _Homosexuality: The Use of Scientific Research in the Church’s Moral Debate_ (IVP Academic) It’s sad to read something that comes so explicitly out of someone’s self-righteous attempt to prove their views, rather than a real attempt to understand. I hope the readers of Good Man will see this as the opinion piece it is and not take too seriously the accounts of events portrayed here. I don’t know what these meetings are really like, or what the people who put them on really thing they’re doing, but after reading this, neither do you.
Wow. Excellent job humiliating a sincere group of people who are seeking to improve their lives, and who have obviously already been through enough oppressive forces their entire lives. Way to go.
Exactly how have they been humilliated? no real names have been mention in the article.
A little over a decade ago when the evangelicals started this movement (a bit less organized I imagine than JIM), I met a psyche doctoral student doing his paper on this very issue. Though straight, I always was suspect of anyone trying this one sided sham. For instance, it is only common sense that if they TRULY wanted to help everyone, they would spend equally the same amount of time, energy and education in finding a solution for straight men and women, who felt they were actually gay. Surely, if they can wave their magic wand and help a gay person be straight, they can help a straight person be gay. It appears it would be against every single doctrine of psychology and psychiatry, to only help gays become straight, and totally ignore those suffering who were forced to live a straight life, but only needed the right counseling to live their true gay lives. What a joke these clowns are. One does not need to be an Einstein to figure out their money/power/evangel-fueled sham. Hellooooo Elmer Gantry.
great writing, but you lied to get a story. bottom line. and you raise concerns about suicide, yet still go ahead and out poor guys like “dave.” do you worry he’ll harm himself after reading such broad-sweeping condemnation?
there’s the book and this column, but the amount of time you sacrificed vs. what you had to gained seems pathologically disproportionate to me…as if you have a personal axe to grind. i’m glad you admitted that you’ve asked yourself thousands of times why you’ve got such a beef with this…why it affects you so…certainly a fair question.
i want to again say, however, that i thought this was very well written. and i don’t mean to beat you up in a mean spirited way. but this compelling and well written essay seemed struck me as disingenuous and as anything but unbiased journalism.
It’s important to recognize that there is a legitimate sect of undercover journalism that works to uncover stories like this. Look at Nellie Bly, who fibbed to get into a mental institution and ended up bringing about reform for those who were mistreated in these places. Would you suggest we never investigate undercover because it’s “lying”? Or should we sometimes consider that if there is abuse or something inappropriate going on, that we might us undercover work as a means of seeing what’s going on.
Also, as this is told first person, it’s a column or personal narrative, meaning the writer doesn’t need to be unbiased — he’s supposed to be upfront about his thoughts. Please read up and collect a thorough understanding of journalism before you decide that you’re an authority on it. If it were meant to be unbiased journalism, it would be called a “feature” and he wouldn’t have put his thoughts into it.
Someone may have already raised this point but I see this as a slower and less effective way to confirm for these men that they are in fact biologically normal but at odds with societal restrictions and mores. the very flammable mix of surrender to a god-structure (especially Jesus) and psychotherapeutic authenticity uncovers truth for each individual. in these conversion cases the truth is then denied or stigmatized which is damaging (possibly even life threatening) but does not negate that the truth is still, well, true. these men are gay. they will never not be gay. when that is revealed while they are attempting to remove the gayness there is yet another chance for them to accept themselves. Ted’s described cycle of “repression, backsliding into sin, then shame, guilt, and repentance” is just another hurdle on the journey.
Committing suicide to escape the essential truth of who you are does not alter that truth. We do all have choices, as pointed out by someone above who states he is a successful conversion graduate. Your choices have no relation to the truth either. The truth is immutable and you have no control over it. Your choices are fluid and you are the only one controlling them FOR YOURSELF. Work on, human, work on!
“these men are gay. they will never not be gay.”
They could be bisexual. Though apparently, the meme that bisexual men don’t exist, added to the one that once-gay-always-gay, makes it hard to live it down.
A bisexual men could choose to only date women, as a practical matter. Not like we’re forced to date everyone we find attractive.
Well, Ted, did the weekend help you heal from having grown up with an abusive father? I disagree with JiM’s intention to “heal” homosexuality, but it does sound like it could be a very healing experience. I know that being held and giving vent to my own repressed anger has opened a lot of things up for me.
That was a very interesting read. You have a real sense of humour. I am mormon/latter day saint and I seriously doubt whether a weekend or program like that would officially be allowed or acceptable in this church. I would have to say it was unofficial. That is just not practiced within the church and shouldn’t be. It wouldn’t be approved of, I’m sure. Pretty violent with the effigy thing. I wouldn’t take a program like that seriously but I appreciated hearing your views on all angles. I am straight and single but would rather be married but marriage has eluded me for decades. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably be single for the rest of my mortal life and conclude that life has to be much better on the other side. There are many times that I do not like this life but I know it’s responsible and the right thing to do to keep on going despite the frequent obstacles in this life. You’re a very good writer – very friendly. I’m not that much of a reader but you had me going until the wee hours of the morning.
“there’s no evidence that someone can change his or her orientation through these religiously motivated programs”
There’s no evidence you can’t change it. And JiM weekend isn’t a religious program.
“often their wives, friends, family, and church members have no idea they struggle with SSA.”
Every person is free to tell who ever they want about their SSA. Although, nobody should deal with it alone.
“the men and women that I met throughout this project dealt with a cycle of repression, backsliding into sin, then shame, guilt, and repentance.”
Everything but repression, backsliding into sin, shame, guilt and repentance. Instead, acceptance, love, and change.
“paid the non-refundable retreat deposit”
You have time to ask for a refund after you get the information, come on!
“The decision was not easy.”
Don’t take the “hero” part of the story.
“Have they never felt like men?”
Have they ever felt like men? You said you are not dealing with SSA so why do you judge?
“trying desperately to change their orientation.”
Why do you assume that? Let me tell you something: not everybody goes only to change their sexual orientation, but to fulfill core needs
“And yet, despite being raised by an abusive, spiritually castrated father, I have a strong preference for women.”
Do you think SSA is like math? 2+2=4 no matter what! SSA is different, every situattion is different and unique.
“I should be asking the guys in my carpool what they thought of the weekend”
You should have asked them. I bet someone in your vehicle asked the others. And actually, I think you can ask them now. I bet it was a extraordinary weekend for almost everyone, like in mine.
“But I’m too tired to think about that. I haven’t slept in two days”
What kind of “undercover spy” are you? Don’t be a girl, a hero! If you didn’t sleep it was because you didn’t want to!
“I turn around to ask Tony, the guy who had attended “Journey into Manhood” years earlier, how the weekend was different this time around”
And you couldn’t ask them if they liked it or not? What they thought about it? Weren’t you so tired you couldn’t ask anything?
“Sure, Dave could finally live out and proud”
Proud of what? Of being like every man that finds he has SSA? I have SSA, I’m proud of my self, my beliefs, my religion, the way I live my life and I’m proud I will let people with unwanted SSA know there’s hope, no matter what pro-gay activists think or want.
And you are wrong: JiM weekend and other kind of therapy or changing retreats aren’t like medicine. You don’t take it and that’s all. Change takes time, but PEOPLE CAN CHANGE and you have to respect those who want to change, those who don’t find a gay life like an option.
yopuedocambiar@gmail.com
twitter: @yopuedocambiar
I’ve never been to JiM. But I know that SSA ministries has helped me tremendously.
Then again, no ministry has the answer. No group/therapist/counsellor has the perfect truth. JiM might work for some, might not work for others.
Holy shit.
I don’t even know where to begin.
In my line of work, I know more than anything this to be true: Creating emotional-laden experiences are POWERFUL. And effective. And beyond harmful in a situation like this, where re-enactments are being used to abuse instincts over which we have no control.
The fascinating thing, Ted, is that you essentially set up a counter-experience. Your courageous and shocking undercover story can serve to awaken others to the existence of such feckless brutality. Of ignorance taken to drastic levels. Most importantly- for the men at the camp. Your recollection of your final encounters with Dave gave me chills. Yeah, we might not have an immediate solution. But you’re conveying a direct message here about clarity and not using ignorance as an excuse for a bad situation. If I were you, I would get back in touch with those men you met individually. Would use this as a platform for serious awareness and change. The religious and homosexual issues aren’t even the point here- but rather, the mishandling of human motivation.
I’m open to discussing this at length, by the way. My contact info is here + on my site.
I wish this account had been published when I was sixteen, living in Texas and attending private high schools; it would’ve saved me a lot of grief. Fortunately, I’ve never had to experience a conversion camp. Even more fortunately, I moved to California my senior year.
Well done.
Excellent article. I think the people leaving the negative articles fail to understand the reality of homosexuality. That it is normal and that there is nothing “wrong” with you. Great job very insightful.
This camp program sounds like techniques developed for one kind of group therapy but repackaged for an entirely different kind of group work. The “confront the father” role play is something that many psychologists (of varying reputations) have used with men and women to deal with painful issues from childhood, especially abuse by parents or other family members. It seems a bit odd to use these techniques to try to “cure” a man of homosexuality. I bet these techniques could be very useful and very meaningful for dealing with some kinds of deep issues, but I can’t see how they would change someone’s sexual orientation.
I just find it hard to believe that people become a particular sexual orientation primarily because of a particular childhood experience. If that’s the case I must have become a hetero male because I had a lousy mother and a wonderful father. My attraction to women is because deep down I just want a mommy’s love? My decades-long enjoyment of vaginal intercourse is a deep-seated need to return to the womb, maybe?
I think it’s crazy and twisted and probably impossible to change someone’s sexual orientation, but assuming this is a perfectly valid use for group therapy, this camp seems totally counterproductive for reaching that goal. Getting gay men to become straight by having them look into each others’ eyes, wrestle, share their feelings, and hold each other? If I wanted to be converted away from being a heterosexual man, then sending me to a camp run by horny repressed women seems like a bad idea.
Wow, this camp thing sounds like an evangelical gold mine. It has a lot of the markings of good old-fashioned cult-building techniques, including “love bombing.” Men actually pay to try to stop being gay, they take part in activities that intimately join them with other gay men without curing them, and then the camp suggests they keep in touch and pay to do it all over again. In the meantime, the people you pay become surrogate brothers and fathers, which I believe is called “transference” in therapy circles. You play up men’s confusion and guilt and anger and desperation, attach it to the general social question of what exactly masculinity means, and bingo, you have a money-making church loyalty farm. And hey, if the men don’t get all the answers they need or they aren’t cured, well it’s their own fault, or else they need a refresher course for $_______ a pop. Flipping brilliant.
Very interesting article … these are crazy times that we are living in.
I have mixed feelings about this story. On the one hand, I share Ted’s skepticism that a weekend of healing emotional wounds from childhood would convert a homosexual man into a heterosexual. But most homosexual men I know do seem very out of touch with their “masculine energy”, for want of a better term, and I can’t help but wonder what would happen if they got to experience the warrior inside themselves.
But my biggest problem with this article is it’s lack of objectivity. Ted clearly set out to expose what he sees as an evil enterprise, and this seems to have colored his whole involvement in what could have been a powerful healing experience, leading to a much more interesting and authentic article. Touch exercises, re-writing of painful childhood narratives, authentic bonding with fellow men, and primal therapy are all powerful methods of emotional healing; yet they get ridiculed in this piece while the author completely avoids delving into his own father issues by retaining a cynical detachment. No wonder Dave was disappointed in Ted at the end; Ted’s biggest crime isn’t that he lied for the story or broke the confidentiality agreement, it’s that he remained detached and refused to make himself emotionally vulnerable to the other men there.
I’m an atheist too, and like Ted I deplore efforts to “fix” homosexuals by people with a religious agenda that says homosexuality is somehow wrong or unnatural. But this isn’t great research or compelling writing in my book. Any journalist can cook up a hatchet-job report on something from an emotional distance. Try getting emotionally involved yourself and telling _that_ story next time Ted; it’s likely to be much more powerful for you and compelling for the reader.
Cheers,
Graham
i cant believe you people you all think you are all better then gay people and think u can just “cure” them by sending them here. well your wrong u cant and its not a choice to be gay. they were born that way. all of u just GROW THE FRICK UP i cant belive u people think ur right well i got news for u guys… UR FRICKIN’ WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is a bomb and my opinion is that weapons don’t heal anything; they just hurt everyone. If this is true it qualifies as something best held to self. I did not get any value out of this banter. Sorry
I have so many friends who have gone through and who encourage JiM retreats, but what you describe here, Ted, sounds positively harmful.
I mean, when do we stop and wonder, are we just CREATING issues with our parents, to try and blame someone for our orientation? when maybe we should just blame God and get on with it.
I used to wish they had a JiM for women, but now I’m thanking God that if such a thing existed, I never found it. Plus I was too broke to go and submit myself to NARTH treatment, which I did seriously consider for a while.
thank GOD that is all behind me