‘I’m a well-educated adult man, but at the time I felt like a 17-year-old girl who’d gotten knocked up in the backseat of a car.’
This post was originally published on Role/Reboot.
By Michael Parsons
I’m a member of a small, but increasing minority: the stay-at-home father. Like stay-at-home mothers always have, I’ve put aside my professional ambitions and earning power to be the primary caregiver for our children. I’m not saying that I would change that. I really love my kids and wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world, but the sacrifices are significant. As a man whose life course was altered by an unexpected pregnancy, Tracy Clark-Flory’s recent Salon article “What will ‘the male pill’ change?” struck a chord.
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Let’s start with the reality: There is still no male pill or any equivalent male contraceptive today, nor is there likely to be one in the near future. Over the past 20 years, there have been countless reports of imminent breakthroughs in male artificial contraception, ranging from pills to implants to shots, all designed to prevent sperm from reaching an egg with minimal side effects to the sperm producer. And yet, despite all this talk, not a single product of this type has been brought to market. The “male pill” article ends on a sober note, quoting the inventor of the female oral contraceptive saying: “I do not see the faintest chance of [a male pill] being approved in the next couple of decades.”
All of this talk about a male pill has reopened the debate about why it’s not yet available. Like many debates involving gender politics, the discussion often breaks down into nature vs. nurture arguments. The nature camp argues that it is not surprising that male contraception has languished because it is more difficult to safely incapacitate the male reproductive system. The nurture side believes that the real impediment is attitudes about male contraception; both in term how men and women negotiate responsibility for birth control and the attitudes of pharmaceutical companies about men’s propensity to take responsibility for this decision. Wherever you choose to place the blame, the lack of a male pill is a huge disappointment, because there’s an increasing number of men (and women) – including myself – who would love to have greater control over the reproductive future of our families. I see my own experience as indicative of why this is the case.
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Eight years ago, we had three boys: eight, six, and five (all planned, more or less). My wife was working, and I was at home. She was on the pill. After eight years of not working outside the home, I was planning to return to my career in the fall, when all of the boys would be in school. However, just a month before school started, my wife came home and said she was pregnant. For some unknown reason, the pill had failed. I was in a daze for weeks, scrapping all my plans to finally go back to work, and feeling both stupid and helpless. I’m a well-educated adult, but at the time I felt like a 17-year-old girl who’d gotten knocked up in the backseat of a car.
“The unplanned pregnancy did not set my wife’s career plans back much, but it had devastating consequences for mine.”
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Despite my shock, life went on. My wife gave birth the following spring and went back to work after a few months. I stayed home, where I remain today. Now, I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining. I’m well aware I could have used a condom to be extra careful. But it would have been wonderful if a male pill had been available to me as a simple and effective means of contraception. As it was, after the birth my wife tried to return to the pill, but its increasing side effects forced her to stop taking it. After that we agreed that I would be primarily responsible for birth control, and I was – being very, very careful and using condoms.
Our fourth son really solidified our “role reversal” in my household. Feminists will be forgiven for chuckling at our situation: simply put, to my wife, sex was now mostly about recreation while for me it involved mostly (preventing) procreation. The unplanned pregnancy did not set her career plans back much, but it had devastating consequences for mine. After three years of diligence and condoms, I had a vasectomy, which finally leveled the playing field (at least in the bedroom).
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I’m very happy and proud to be a father of four. I’m very lucky that we can afford our lifestyle on my wife’s salary. But having a safe, reliable male contraceptive would have given me a measure of greater control over my life. Unfortunately for all of us, it still seems to be a wish and a hope.
The question I want to ask is: how will things change if we don’t get a male pill? After all, the world is changing. Gender roles are no longer functioning as they used to. Men and women no longer approach parenthood and careers with the same expectations that ruled society in previous generations. The number of stay-at-home dads and breadwinner moms is increasing. I think you’ll agree: It’s about time for men to have more control over their reproductive futures, as well.
*Michael Parsons is the author’s pseudonym.
—Photo M.Markus/Flickr
Thanks for a great article. Although I have to say, I’m pretty sure you are a feminist already – you and your wife live your lives without restrictions based on gender. Glad to hear the vasectomy worked out!
There is also effective natural family planning available which is something a couple can do together.
… what about a vasectomy? If you were done having children, just have one and you are all set and you dont have to worry about it. This is a pretty non-invasive procedure with minimal recuperation time. Also, as women – there is more than just the pill. IUDs for example. I think this article is pretty limited – there are many options out there. I just think this couple didnt take the time to think about things and do some minimal research. So in a lot of ways.. you were like a 17 year old – uninformed and making… Read more »
No contraceptives, except surgical options, have a 0% failure rate. So the “male pill” if and when it arrives will occasionally fail too.
If I really truly wanted to go back to work, I would have tried daycare. If it doesn’t work out you can always change your mind and quit…but times change and families change. I guess you have to decide which decision would bring you greater regret vs greater benefits. However this is a good reminder about the pill not being perfect. I much prefer an IUD for its reversibility and higher success rate when you really don’t want a new pregnancy.
I agree that its beyond high time for more male birth control options. I wonder if along with the idea that its easier to stop one montly egg than a continuous flow of millions of sperm (and other ideas) there was also a matter of “her body, her choice” being part of the reason that female birth control has gotten so far ahead of male birth control. The thought that “hey she carries the child so why not make her options priority”. There are plenty of other options out there for men that are right on the edge of being… Read more »
The theory of “her body, her choice” sounds good, but it seems to be more basic than that. It’s pretty easy to fool a woman’s body into thinking it’s already pregnant. When the body thinks that, then it stops producing eggs. THERE you have the majority of female birth control substances.
Also, maybe if we protected infant boys with bodily integrity the way we do girls than many millions more men would be intact instead of circumcised. My understanding is that it is circumcised men who typically refuse to wear condoms as they need that high level of direct friction to the head to achieve orgasm. Circumcision of men is analogous to the removal of the clitoral hood in women. I know that when I stimulate my wife she tells me that direct stimulation to the clit is too much and rather have me stimulate her through the hood. I would… Read more »
What a great article!
I’ve been a proponent of more contraception for a long time. Some of my ideas are ‘out there’ but the one that I tell almost all of my child custody and divorce clients, is to “get a vasectomy – it’ll be the best money you ever spend.”
I know several men who’ve had them, and it’s a very freeing experience for them. It won’t help with the STDs so you still have to be careful, but it can prevent those 18 years of unintended child commitment.