Author Scott Behson talks to GMP about his new book, work-life balance, paternity leave, his advice for career-driven dads, and how the modern workplace can make the lives of working fathers easier.
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The Working Dad’s Survival Guide: How to Succeed at Work and at Home is the first book of its kind, offering advice and encouragement for men who aspire to career success and being highly-involved loving dads. Here’s our interview with the author, Scott Behson, PhD, who has been a contributor to GMP for the past several years:
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[GMP:] Has the conflict between dads functioning as “providers vs. caregivers” always been there or is it a more recent phenomenon? When did work-life balance really start becoming a priority for working dads?
[BEHSON:] Well, of course, fathers have always cared about providing for their families through work and developing loving relationships with them. But things are different for today’s dad.
In fact, over the past generation, dads have tripled the amount of time we spend with our kids and have doubled our housework, all while working the same number of hours in an economy with less job and financial security. Dads today are far more likely to see our primary family role as nurturer than provider, most are in dual-earner households, and almost two thirds of married Millennials aspire to fully egalitarian work-family arrangements. The number of at-home dads and dads who are primary caregivers is at an all-time high. And, because workplaces have not kept up with these changes, more than half of dads report difficulties in balancing work and family, and almost two thirds report work-family stress.
This is a LOT of change in a short period of time. Our role-models did it differently. So, even the most well-meaning dads can use some encouragement and advice so they can succeed in their careers and be the loving, involved dads they always wanted to be. That’s why I wrote the book.
What are the primary changes that workplaces and corporate cultures could make that would positively impact working dads?
In my experience working with companies, it seems that most have finally caught on that work-family issues are important for dads, too. But, most companies still don’t know what to do about it. Some have implemented policies like flextime, telecommuting and parental leave, but without a culture that supports these—for both working moms and working dads, they get little traction. Even when paternity leave is on the books, most dads only take a week or so; they don’t feel it is safe for their careers to take more. And that’s a shame.
Most dads I talk to don’t want formal programs that separate themselves from the workplace. More than anything, dads are looking for more control and flexibility over where and when they get their work done, and for more reasonable demands on their time. This may mean the ability to work from home one day a week, or leave early for family events while making up the work at night, or be able to fully unplug on weekends without emails and texts from work. More than policy, this requires corporate leaders, managers, and supervisors to adjust their attitudes towards flexibility and top-down control.
In The Working Dad’s Survival Guide, I help dads understand and navigate these workplace dynamics, and provide and entire chapter on how to successfully negotiate with even “old school” bosses for increase work flexibility.
What companies are doing it right when it comes to work-life balance?
While it is true that many companies are not particularly family-supportive, there are enough leading companies to give me hope for change. Fatherly has a great list of 50 great employers for new dads, and the Fortune 100 is always a good resource. In my book, I highlight a sampling of employers, big companies like EY, smaller firms like Ryan, LLC, and even hourly employers like Shake Shack, Macy’s, and Starbucks who are making good-faith efforts to do right by their employees.
What makes me most optimistic is that, in industries in which firms compete for the best talent, there is a race to the top in terms of family supportive policies. For example, all of the Big 4 accounting firms, and most major banks now offer very generous paid paternity leave. What started as a way to stand out among applicants is now a baseline benefit.
Do you think there are societal biases that keep dads from talking openly about the difficulty of managing their work and home lives?
As much as we can blame workplaces and the media, I think we also trap ourselves. The traditional notion of masculinity is the “strong and silent type.” Nothing wrong with being strong, but we need to be able to talk about our concerns, and ask for support from our spouses, families, employers, and, maybe even especially, our fellow dads. In fact, I spend a whole chapter on the importance of building our “dad networks.” If we’re doing it right, we’re busy with work and spend most of the rest of our time with our families. We need to find our tribe and get together occasionally with dads in similar situations.
In my neighborhood, we have “Beer Fires”—a backyard fire pit, some beer, and relaxed conversation with a dozen dads from the neighborhood. Nothing crazy, but it helps recharge our batteries, and better understand that we share a lot of the same challenges. Other dads I know built groups to go to movies, go bowling or have (low stakes, poorly-played) poker nights.
Why is paternity leave important for working dads?
For me, it was transformative.
I see how important being home for the first few weeks of my son Nick’s life was for my development as a father and for setting the stage for my family’s dynamics. Before then, I had never changed a diaper or fed a baby. After a few trials and errors, it became second-nature. I’m way more competent, confident, and bonded with my son because of this early experience. Also, as my wife and experienced parenting together, it strengthened our relationship and made us more confident in the other. As a result, she trusts me and has never made me feel like anything less than an equal parent. This has paid dividends for us years later when one of us has to travel for work and we know the other has it covered—and Nick does too.
Frankly, it makes me angry that more dads don’t have the opportunity I did. This opportunity to develop as a person, a parent and spouse should not be reserved just for new moms, or just for the lucky few new dads with ultra-flexible jobs or awesomely progressive employers. I believe all dads deserve this opportunity, and that dads, moms, kids, families and our society all benefit when dads get to immerse themselves in the life of their children in such a uniquely intimate and transformative way. I’m not just an advocate for working dads because of my professional interests. For me, paternity leave is personal.
If a working dad is trying to make the case to their employer for a more flexible schedule, what are some of the most important things they need to consider?
There are jerk bosses out there, but, in my experience, most managers are well-meaning people trying to do the right thing. Often, they just don’t know how. If you want to persuade your supervisor to allow for more flexibility (for example, working 1-2 days a week from home), you have to understand their fears and address them before they even have the chance to object. Give them a performance-evaluation plan including goals and metrics, explain how the flexibility will make you more productive, set up a communications plan so everyone knows they can still reach you, start it off as a 3-month trial run, etc. By seeing things from their point of view, you make it easier for them to say yes. This doesn’t always work, but it can vastly increase your chances for success.
Is it possible for men to be present, engaged fathers and have successful professional careers? Or does something have to give?
I don’t believe we can “have it all” in terms of work and family, certainly not all at once. We are adults, we have to set priorities and understand the trade-offs involved. CEOs don’t pick up their kids from the bus stop very often, and those who lowered their earning potential can’t afford the latest stuff. However, I do believe that if we adopt the mindset of my book, prioritize, develop strategies and put them into action, we can get what is most important for us and for our families. We can get what we need. We can have a successful career and a loving, involved dad.
If you had to give three pieces of advice to working fathers who are struggling to balance their careers and families, what would they be?
1. You are not alone. The specific circumstances may be different, but most dads face the same challenges you do.
2. If you really think through your priorities, share them with your spouse, and set a plan to make decisions consistent with those priorities, you will be able to make needed changes, even if it takes a few years. For example, one dad I interviewed for the book needed to change his job and create more family time. He and his wife made a 3 year financial plan so he could quit and start his own business. Life is so much better now.
3. The whole point of family time is to enjoy time with those we love. Parenting can be hard work, but that can’t be all it is. Unplug, be present, have fun, be silly, make the most out of time with your kids during their one, and all-too-fleeting childhoods.
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The Working Dad’s Survival Guide: How to Succeed at Work and at Home is available at Amazon or wherever books are sold.