James M. Sama with some man-to-man advice on when to leave a woman alone.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen or heard about women who are completely annoyed by men who have approached them in public when they were giving ‘clear signs’ that they wanted to be left alone.
Let me start by saying that as a man, I understand the frustration of getting an attitude from a woman you doesn’t know anything about you when you are just trying to be nice to her or say hello. Unfortunately, many women are on the defensive these days when a random guy approaches them because frankly – a few idiots have ruined it for the genuinely good guys.
But that being said, there is also a time and place for everything, and if you do want to start a conversation with a woman, the first thing you’ve got to do is make sure that she’s open to it [or not]. If you don’t pay attention to her non-verbal cues that she’s doing her own thing and doesn’t want to be talked to, then you will immediately be on her nerves before you even say hello.
Here are a few things to watch out for that signal you should just keep it moving, at least until the circumstances have changed.
1. She’s wearing both headphones.
Whether she is at the gym focused on her workout or just walking down the street, she probably doesn’t want to be bothered. It may or may not be personal, but both headphones in is the universal sign for “whatever I’m doing, I’m focused on it – leave me alone.” If you can’t pick up on that, why would she think you could pick up on any of her other wants and needs?
2. Her baseball cap is pulled down over her face.
If she’s standing in line for coffee looking down at her phone with her hat pulled over her eyes, she’s hiding. If she’s waiting for coffee that means she hasn’t had it yet, and we all know how days begin before you’ve had your coffee. She probably isn’t wearing makeup and isn’t feeling her best, so she doesn’t want to talk to you, man.
If you can’t help yourself, make your move by buying her coffee for her and let her start up the conversation if she wants. If she doesn’t, take your extra bonus points and wait for her to recognize you next time.
3. Her body language is closed off.
This is perhaps one of the most obvious but also overlooked signals of availability, or unavailability. Crossed arms, body turned away from you, avoiding eye contact, or other ‘barriers’ should all be clear signs to save the pursuit for another day. Some ‘dating coaches’ will try to sell you ways to overcome her attitude, but if you make her uncomfortable in the process, you’ve already lost.
4. She’s avoiding eye contact with you.
…Or, with anyone. Making [and holding] eye contact would be on the list of signs you should approach a woman, so then common sense tells us that avoiding contact with people means that she doesn’t want to be talked to. She is not being coy or cute or feigning shyness so you will go chat it up to her, she is literally trying to avoid you, and pushing it any further will make her uncomfortable.
For example: Whether or not she is reading a book will not tell you if she wants to be approached or not. What will tell you is her willingness to look up, look around, and smile at passers-by. If she is buried in the pages and is clearly focused, leave her be.
5. She’s working on her laptop.
Whether you are in a bookstore, coffee shop, or cafe – it is easy to spot quite a few people working on their laptops, particularly in the millennial age of “work from anywhere you want.” But – that means she is doing exactly that, working. She might be doing homework or writing her manuscript or preparing for a big presentation she has in 45 minutes. One thing is for sure though, she has not hauled her workspace to the local Starbucks in hopes that someone will come charm her out of her pant suit.
Point number one will also likely apply here.
The real takeaway here is the simple but overlooked idea of just being considerate of other people’s personal spaces. Comfort and safety are of paramount importance to a woman – and once she feels as though either of things are threatened, you will never be able to recover them. There are plenty of opportunities to meet or be introduced to new women, but as I mentioned earlier – there is a time and a place for everything.
Have you ever had someone just not be able to take a hint and wouldn’t leave you alone? Let us know about it in the comments below!
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Originally appeared on James M. Sama’s blog.
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Photo: Flickr/Nana B Agyei
Some of us are introverted, actually, and having someone, anyone, say hi to us on the street or anywhere else is something we dread. Not everyone wants to be friends with every passerby. Give us our space.
It’s a big city, west coast, east coast, etc. thing…it is where it is. If you don’t like strangers talking to you then don’t go to most parts of the US Midwest. They tend to actually care about you and don’t realize you probably despise them. That’s just so typically naive of them.
(Selective filtering – let’s hope not)
All of us need to get off our phones and quit complaining how we can’t find someone of substance (myself included). It’s up to us to make ourselves available to both approach and be approached, otherwise each of us is headed towards a lonely yet crowded existence.
This is clearly a Northeast phenomenon about keeping ones head down and pretending the rest of humanity doesn’t exist. I was recently visiting NYC and scared quite a few people (male and female) with a genuine “hello” and “good morning” followed by a smile. Perhaps this is because, as your article presumes, interactions all have some ulterior motive, the conquest of a female, which is rather unfortunate. About half, after the initial shock of an actual nice person greeting them, actually smiled back and some even said hello too. Well, probably more than half, maybe most. Only one really sticks… Read more »
@JL,
Simply brilliant!!!!!
“Nothing will make me stop smiling and greeting strangers. I have manners and gentility.”
I am with you!!! I was raised in the Deep South. So, I have never met a stranger..So many of these people with the attitude of the person above are antisocial and miserable. But, they love to pretend.
To deal with the refresh problem, I simply highlight and copy…that way if and when it refreshes I do not lose my comment…just paste copied comment after it refreshes. just a suggestion.
So, keep coming here! You are a breath of fresh air, indeed.
Mormon teens who flood in and out of the local church/community center try to make eye contact or say “hi” whenever I go by….I usually cross over the other side of the sidewalk or keep my head down…or just plain ignore them when they say something….it’s so irritating that I have to almost have to cross over to the other side of the street or take another stairway just to avoid their creepy contact…
Good afternoon!!
@Leia,
Proof positive of the increasingly narcissistic culture here. Also, clear evidence of the growing de-socialization of America.
Just what in the hell is there to fear of teen age kids saying “Hi”? You really do need to cross the street. The rest of us would greatly appreciate if not only you cross it but stay over there too!!!
Obviously, you have never had those pesky Mormons ringing your doorbell on the weekends trying to pray with you or convert you over…! If I see them ring the doorbell, I don’t even open the door!
All of them very said and true. However, the sad reality is that this is now bordering a six-sigma certification. Both sides need to make the opportunities available, to be available to one another. Far too many of us (men and myself included – I’m being honest here) find it excruciatingly difficult to just be present in any situation without something attempting to grab our attention for fear of being alone – with our own thoughts.
Every one would do well to put down the phone.