Think you know all about how abuse feels? Take a look from the other side.
[Editor’s Note: Laura Cowan is a survivor of domestic abuse, and now conducts educational programs about victim awareness and understanding abuse. After conducting one such program in a state prison recently, she received the following letter from one of the inmates spoken to. It is presented here with permission, with identifying names and details omitted for privacy. Spelling and grammar errors are in the original.]
Dear Ms. Cowan,
First off, my name is _________, and I want to take this time to thank you for coming to _______ and speaking to us in the “Victims Awareness Class.” I am going to be honest with you, when I first started this class, I thought it was going to be like all the other classes that I have taken in different programs. This class so far has helped me tremendously. Thank you for coming and changing my life.
I always thought of myself and not of my victims. I couldn’t see past my own needs and desires. But when you came, you and shared your story, you really opened my eyes to the whole picture, the picture of my victims. I had no idea what exactly I put them through. let me say that I guess I was really acting out what had happened to me as a child. When I was six years old, I lost my father. My mother remarried later on, and my step-father would beat me for no reason and when I clean the floors to the house, if I missed a piece of paper, he would tie me to a chair and beat me telling me the whole time not to cry, and then make me sit there staring at that piece of paper or whatever until I would tell him that I would not do it again and mean it sincerly. Come to find out, I needed glasses.
In order to keep away from his abuse, I would spend more time with my uncle. We would go out and fly a bite out in the back pasture, and when we were winded from all the running, we would sit down under a tree, and he would have me masterbate him, and he would fondle me. I would also spend nights over at my grandmothers’ house when my cousin came to visit from Michigan. At bed time he would wait for me to got to sleep and he would sexually molest me. I would never tell anyone any of this, because when I tried to tell them, they would say I was imagining it. Well, needless to say, I am in here for 2 counts of rape. I acted out what was done to me when I was young. I would never bring this up to anyone here or at the parole board, because they would say that I was only trying to make excuses. Well, I have taken responsibility of my actions, and I understand the hurt that I have put my victims through. I couldn’t face this fact until you came and shared your story with us. I am not one to cry easily, but your story really brought tearss to my eyes, and opened up my heart to the hurt that I have caused my victims.
When I went to the parole board last month, my past was brought up for the first time in 10 years. While talking to them, the past came upon me and I broke down in the parole board hearing. I feel they brought this up for a reason. I don’t know quite yet why, but it will be revealed in time I guess. Not only was I a predator, but I was a victim living with this demon inside of me. I have finally faced my darkest fear, and I couldn’t have done it if you haven’t shared your story with us. Thank you for caring about us. Thank you again for your trust in us to come and want to help us see that what we have done has had an impact not only on our victims, but others as well and wanting us to change our lives so that we can be more productive and not destructive.
Sincerely,
___________
PS. Please continue saving the lives of the ones needing saved, and want to open up their ears and hear the change they need, and a second chance at correcting the wrong and making a positive input on the community in which they live. You have a very meaningful message. Too bad alot of people won’t be able to hear it.
[Editor’s note: We wish again to emphasize that Ms. Cowan has suffered horrific abuse in her own past, and that her contribution of this narrative should not be read as condoning the author’s actions, but rather as the extension of empathy by a person who has every reason not to extend it. Please leave comments in that light.]
Photo—Smath./Flickr
And ironically, people will bash this guy just for speaking, they will use him to act out their frustrations, just like he did with his victims. Isn’t that easy, from behind a computer screen?
I’m not asking compassion for that guy, I’m not saying he should be freed, I’m saying we should see the writing on the wall and get smarter than that.
Oh, you.
Hello! As a social worker who has specialized in work w/ victims of violent crimes for many years, I always have seen the desperate need for understanding from the perp. In the beginning they were always a victim first! Its hard to get them to open up to even begin to see that. This letter indicates the understanding and connection he made from Ms. Cowan’s presentation. I know that takes a very special person to reach someone like she did! I think is an incredible thing to see happen! We need more Ms. Cowans in this world. We need to… Read more »
Not everyone is affected the same by childhood trauma. Example, I know people who’s parents were raging alcoholics and have carried on the ‘Family Tradition’, and yet I have friends who were children of alcoholics who to this day haven’t touched a drop because they didn’t want to end up like their parents. Look, all i know is we better get a handle on what makes these rapist ‘tick’ because one day they’re going to be released back into society. Ms. Cowan is indeed a special person for having the inner strength to see things the way she does and… Read more »
I feel sympathy for his inner child, but for the adult man? Not even an inkling. To “have no understanding” of the effects he’s had on his victims shows a rather broken brain, and we’re supposed to believe that after one lecture he’s magically fixed? Excuse me for being more than a little doubtful! We either have compassion, or we don’t. I don”t believe you can learn it as an adult if you haven’t had it instilled in you from the beginning. While the human brain is a complex and I fully do believe that in some cases, an abused… Read more »
Were his victims women? I don’t remember reading that. I would’ve assumed they were also young boys. I, personally, feel like a crime against a child male or female is far worse than a crime against an adult female or male.
Nobody is asking you to feel sorry for his wrong-doings; however, you should feel empathy for the past child who was molested and abused, as you know what being victimized feels like. This man’s future might have been very different if he was nurtured and loved growing up. He might have been a stand-up member of society. Abuse, more often than not, leads to future abusers. They may not always end up as rapists, but many women end up abusing drugs/alcohol, physically/emotionally abusing their children and loved ones, or abusing themselves. The jail system doesn’t work, because there aren’t enough… Read more »
Short answer: no. Long answer: asking us to feel empathy for this “past child” is an abstract, hypothetical exercise that not only makes zero sense, but it unburdens the offender from his guilt. Reasons are not excuses. I suspect you’re missing the point entirely by comparing rape, a crime against humanity, to drug abuse, a victimless crime, and saying both offenses deserve the same compassion from humans.
The children of drug addicts and alcoholics would not consider it a victimless crime. Also women do abuse children.
This is a nice letter but as stated in other comments, many, many abused individuals do not abuse. Hurt people tend to be MORE empathetic towards others, not less. It is clear and simple a choice to abuse. Surely the fear and humiliation experienced by this rapist’s victims while he was assaulting them were immediate indicators as to how ‘the victim felt’ yet it took a person visiting the prison for the sudden ‘aha’ moment? I find it hard to buy. I don’t doubt this person was abused, but feel he made a clear choice, apparently TWICE, to perpetuate that… Read more »
How many women suffer molestation and never, never do it to anyone? Yes, men get molested and more than we’d like turn into rapists. However, if he was released… would he do it again? Rehabilitation of sexual predators usually doesn’t happen. Reference: http://www.onu.edu/node/21890 Ohio Northern University’s page discussing the exceptionally high recidivism rate of sexual predators. Conservatively, fifty percent of all rapists who are released from prison will rape again. The numbers are closer to seventy percent. From Oregon Sexual Assault Task Force: http://oregonsatf.org/about/satf-membership/offender-management-committee/myths-and-misconceptions-about-sex-offenders/ — Most rapists were NOT molested as children. I do not feel sorry for this person… Read more »
Actually women do rape and abuse people. There are about 50 studies showing that women commit sex crimes in significant numbers. Our society just doesn’t talk about them.
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-rape-nobody-talks-about/
What a great story/letter. I think it’s important to humanize even the perpetrators of crime. It’s difficult to care for the worst of criminals, but so many people are so quick to pass judgment on even lesser offenders, and distance themselves from these people as if they were of another species, never asking themselves, “what if I weren’t so lucky to be me?” I’ve never been to jail, but then I wasn’t beaten, or molested, or verbally abused, or completely ignored. I had a pretty good life, and still I know how upset I can get at people, and how… Read more »
This is something the supporters of PROTECT.org know, and the world needs to,
We make our own monsters. Most will not admit the abuse they endured. This predator is brave in sharing it and accepting his responsibility and guilt for continuing the circle.
Most abused children do not go on to abuse others. In general, those without any hope, with no “escape valve,” can become abusers, but there is no science to it.
This is why child abuse–whether corporal, sexual, or emotional–is the ultimate criminal justice problem throughout human history. I urge you to join PROTECT and join the fight.