Why the battle brewing against the male gender is confusing the hell out of men.
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Having been at the coaching game in the business world for 15+ years, it’s not until the recent past few years that I truly recognized the mounting battle that men are facing as they grow older. Mind you, men under 30 have their own set of challenges; but gents who grew up having their veins shunted with stereotypical masculinity, talks of “the Good Ole Boys” network, and all things Alpha are in one helluva tailspin trying to figure out who they want to be and if society will accept and praise them … or blindside, bash, and bury them. In the workforce, in personal and spousal relationships, in dealing with psychological issues, in facing health curveballs and aging, and in understanding how to be a single parent, men have their hands full.
But, men are not stupid or weak; they are not victims nor asking for pity.
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Men are taking it in the nuts nonstop, with women shouting that they are stronger, smarter, more innovative, more productive, better communicators and collaborators …
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On the tumultuous and (slightly) frigid WOMEN vs. MEN front, too many guys feel caught-up and confused about the apparent battle they have been pulled into, especially at work. Men are taking it in the nuts nonstop, with women shouting that they are stronger, smarter, more innovative, more productive, better communicators and collaborators … and that corporations (and governments) would be better off without men altogether! Their message: Men are about as useful as Homer Simpson! Businesswomen have chosen to pick up arms in total assault against “the masculinity machine,” launching countless groups, conferences, books, and campaigns that aim to negate the value of men while highlighting all their faults, simply as the manipulative male gender.
Men are watching generations of women connect in collaboration to construct virtual billboards on the workfront (which invariably then show up in the personal, family and social relationships) that broadcast a slew of messages, such as …
- Men should step back up and allow women to take some of their places of “privilege.”
- Men need to change into something that most closely resemble a woman’s ideal best friend—a fashionable, overly-festive, totally-in-touch-with-his-feelings, and communicative gay man.
- Men need to find other outlets to get their stress out, because aggressive sports, anger, gaming, and loud cars/trucks are not acceptable answers.
- Men need to acquiesce and let women take charge, be the protectors, leaders, fixers, and providers … (That is, until women don’t want to wear all the hats and just want to be taken care of like little girls).
Beneath the roar of the crusade of women fighting to finally get their fair share and be treated as ‘equals’ isn’t an opposite gender gathering more shells to come back with a second revolution against women. NO! Instead millions of men are actually cheerleading for things to be different as well and jumping in to help.
But they’re not thinking they need to toss out the concept manhood in sacrifice.
In reading articles from folks like Zach Stafford of The Guardian and activist Kevin Powell who stealthily suggest that society consider eliminating the concept of ‘manhood’ because it equates to mayhem and violence and perpetuates inequality, I can’t help but think that this is like tossing out the baby with the bathwater. For each living generation has its own collective definition of manhood, and subsequently each man has his own means to upholding the concept and defending it when feeling threatened. Telling men to completely start from scratch—especially if they’ve been alive for more than a few decades—is like telling them to forget Caitlyn Jenner was ever one of the best male Olympiads who ever lived. DNA and brains are not hard drives to be erased in one fell swoop.
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So what do men seem to want? Perhaps a little leniency in the tidal changes of our culture, so they can find their bearings again.
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So what do men seem to want? Perhaps a little leniency in the tidal changes of our culture, so they can find their bearings again. I have heard this time and time again from my clients—grown men saying they’re afraid that the things they said or did today will be labeled unfair, illegal, anti-feminist, or chauvinistic tomorrow … and cost them their jobs, their relationships, their kids, or their freedoms. I shit you not. Many feel like someone changed the rulebook midgame and handed them the invisible ink version. So with a cocktail of labor and luck, these frustrated men hope to figure out how to adjust their thoughts, words and actions—to bury the “tribe vs. tribe” agenda—and simply get back to what’s ingrained in their brains and souls as a defined statement of being a man: work, protect, lead, fix, provide, make their dads proud. And not piss off another woman.
So what’s the fix?
To support the evolution of our multi-cultured, multi-aged society of men AND women in hope of a more level playing field, the answer is not about rewriting blanket rules for both sides. It’s about allowing individuals to research their own current realities and make changes together.
For successful changes to happen here, I propose that two vital things need to happen here. So here’s a suggestion to each side:
Men: Speak up and ask for help in understanding how to balance your concept of “being a man” and women’s expectations of a 21st century man. Try NOT living life like it’s one big “Fight Club.” Take an honest look at the real stress in your life and your reactions to each type and address the human side of how it relates to women. Rebuild your personal village and make an effort to over-communicate, share, show, and ask questions. Get a circle of strong women in your corner and ask to work together to take small, continuous steps toward equality and respect … for yourselves, your families, businesses and communities, and women everywhere.
Women: Drop your weapons. Leaning in is a fantastically empowering message for women to digest and emulate. But doing things at the cost of, in battle with, perhaps even in passive-aggressive style (and, yes, you know when you do this) against men does not serve us, let alone our whole fluxing culture in the end! Nor are anti-men, only-women, us-against-them-until-we-get-what’s-due-to-us thoughts, words and actions serving our next generation, your kids, your husbands, schools, or community. Net-net: build up yourself and your sisters with unified strength—not by putting down someone else or a whole sector of society.
“You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims.” ―Harriett Woods
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2015 is a like a puzzle without the cardboard top to show us the damn picture: none of us seem to know how we all should fit together.
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2015 is a like a puzzle without the cardboard top to show us the damn picture: none of us seem to know how we all should fit together. But that’s our project to figure out. It doesn’t help any of us to keep pointing fingers. We all need to take responsibility, be disciplined in our two-way communication, and show some damn compassion. Yes, women supporting other women is fantastic. Women supporting men is as well. Men supporting women is dynamite, as is men supporting one another is too. Folks, none of us can get enough of SOMEONE having our backs, conspiring FOR US, or holding a hand out to us.
Net-net: It’s not Us against Them, ladies. Give men the space and time to evolve their thoughts, words and actions at their pace of understanding of what a twenty-first century woman is. We all stand to benefit if we work interdependently on creating an open, honest dialogue that it’s not Women vs, Men. We don’t need another movement—we need more human to human conversation and a willingness to rewrite just how we can all get along and fight for each other.
A version of this article is also available as a podcast.
Photo—studio tdes/Flickr
Or avoid the conflict altogether and walk away. Read Men On Strike by Helen Smith to see why this is becoming an option for more and more men.
Wow! you claim to be helping? Why not just perpetuate some more stereotypes? “Men need to change into something that most closely resemble a woman’s ideal best friend—a fashionable, overly-festive, totally-in-touch-with-his-feelings, and communicative gay man.” WHAT???? How much more of a stereotype can you put out there? How many gay people do you know? This is incredibly bigoted, insulting, and condescending. Even if you are just “highlighting” what women supposedly feel, it’s shameful to put it this way. “Men need to find other outlets to get their stress out, because aggressive sports, anger, gaming, and loud cars/trucks are not acceptable… Read more »
Okay, Thom, wait a sec. I’m pretty sure that section with the bits about “men need to become the new ‘gay best friend'” or whateverthehell it was was not actually the author giving advice
Humor me and retread the sections you’re quoting. I am not contradicting myself, I am sharing insights from what I hear from women still to this day. I’m also not coming from left field- as I do daily research, interview folks all the time, and coach men.
I think a few readers could benefit from rereading to see what I am only OBSERVING and what I am promoting.
” Get a circle of strong women in your corner…”
No can do. Apparently that’s called “unpaid emotional labor” now adnd it’s the next frontier in the battle of sexism.
Of course, these same women who scream “Give Your Money to Women!” will still expect a man to walk them to their car at night.
As I see it, one of the big issues was when women’s roles expanded……it was very uneven…..there was a run to share in the traditional perks and privileges of being a man and that was fair…, but, there also was a failure to pick up the commensurate burdens. On the other side many women very jealously still try to keep the perks of being a woman out of the reach of men while expecting men to co-shoulder the traditional female burdens. When my health started to fail…..and to deal with it I became a SAHD…..my wife was extremely jealous about… Read more »
I thank you all for reading this post. Truth be told it took quite a while to figure out how to bring to life what I meant, because it came from the heart. I couldn’t be more jazzed to see folks speak up, but my purpose was not to push buttons. I wanted to figure out a way to voice my own anguish when I hear women (even my own friends) bash men, saying things like “they all need to suck it up and deal with the so-called problems they face”, and “they’re the cause of all our problems”. So… Read more »
KD, there is no doubt that you care, passionately care about these issues and I thank you for that. I hope you can discern the difference between “mean spirited” responses to those born out of frustration. Thanks again for your efforts.
OTOH Tom there is negative adaptation among mostly intelligent beings. The more things change the more they fight in unhealthy ways to remain but the very act of their doing changes from what was to a wider disparity. It is totally ok for a couple to be stereotypically traditional. They both are in alignment. But this is not to say that another couple with reversed roles aren’t equally as well off or that something, especially with the man is not good enough or less than. He’s not. And to D. There is no such innateness to masculine or feminine. There… Read more »
“Those who don’t “adapt”, evolve, change, or however you say it, will become extinct” ….Heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, anxiety are all on the rise with women … how’s that adapting to feminism work for ya?
50% divorce rate, extremely high number of fatherless kids, so how’d that adapting to feminism work for ya?
No thanks
It’s really not feminism per se Tom that’s driving this. Actually it’s kind of a bastardization of feminism. Women of the early movement wanted to get away from male dominance, rather predominance, looking for equality and true partnership that simply wasn’t there. Betty friedan was a housewife and wanted to stay that way. Gloria Steinem was a debutante who as an elitist was blocked from what she wanted to do for no real reason. She was brilliant. And because of that she was culturally attacked. So she went underground and came out as a warrior and a model of radical… Read more »
Mark, you said “Actually it’s kind of a bastardization of feminism.” Very accurate observation on your part. I remember some years into the feminist movement, an activist said something that gave me hope. Referencing careers for women, she said something to the effect that the movement was set up to allow women equal footing in the business world for women who chose that path. It wasn’t meant to minimize or demonize women who wanted to maintain the role as a housewife or stay at home mom. My wife and I personally experienced how the bastardization was happening when two of… Read more »
Those who don’t “adapt”, evolve, change, or however you say it, will become extinct….that’s it, the end. You can choose not to. But it does not mean that things won’t change around you. You spend your whole life adapting. You’re not still crawling, or drinking from breast/bottle exclusively….anything we have in today’s modern life, is an adaptation of what was before. You don’t want to go back to driving horse and buggy. You want your paycheck to adapt upwards, whether you learn no skills or contribute new knowledge or value to your organization or not you don’t just desire it,… Read more »
As a nearly-thirty-year-old man, the sea change in gender roles, expectations, and interactions can be disconcerting. I’ve never felt threatened by it, regardless of whether or not I ever should, but I often feel lost. As if I’ve parachuted into the wilderness with food and water, but instead of a map, I found a post-it note that reads, “walk for two days in any direction and you’ll reach civilization”. I’m not worried about surviving, but I have no idea which way I should go. Masculinity and femininity must be real, I think – an innate quality much like sexual orientation;… Read more »
I think you have the wrong idea about defining what a man is. The question is not: “What traits belong to men and what traits belong to women?” The question is: “What traits belong to men and what traits belong to boys?” Whether or not a trait applies to women is irrelevant. For mine, I think the basic traits of a man is that he provides and protects. In any relationship he has to provide something, it doesn’t have to be financial, but it has to be something that benefits and supports the other people in the relationship. He also… Read more »
You’re on the right track kimberlie. Fact is the quills are on the porky on both sides yet. We’re still pioneering all this. Traditional vs new ways. Its a struggle to be sure. But I get what you’re saying. Please women. See me as a man. Not a fantasy man you can play with but be a partner with. I want to support you in what you dream because I love who you are but don’t disrespect me on my attempt to help you. Do not denigrate me as less of a man because of it. That is fantasy talking… Read more »
Maybe men shouldn’t be trying to adapt. What that means is….doing things the way women tell you to do them. Is there any other interpretation?
Tom, thanks also for writing. I am writing not simply in the relationship space- I am hitting on the work front strongly. See my comment about… I’m not telling men to accommodate women. I’m suggesting both sides communicate their assumptions, expectations, needs, etc. more clearly. Asking women to give gents space isn’t against men at all. I coach men for a living- and interviews guys all the time- and hear the common premise of this article: women have completely pulled the carpet out from underneath parts of society and firing up feminism to the point where men are trying to… Read more »
Thank you Kimberly. What I’m struggling with is the idea of men having to “adapt.” Which in my view is that through adapting, they’re being asked to change who they are so as to accommodate others. “Adapt” gives me the feeling of having to concede. I do understand and recognize that through the many years of feminist development that men were completely left behind in the dust. The emphasis for years was to lay the ground for women to succeed in everything. Meanwhile, men were never given an opportunity to develop themselves. We empowered women while castrating (lack of any… Read more »
“Men: Speak up and ask for help in understanding how to balance your concept of “being a man” and women’s expectations of a 21st century man. ” This is where you lost me. I am who I am, take it or leave it. I’m not going to balance anything in my life so as to accommodate others, much less a women. I am the real deal and if a women isn’t interested in me, then so be it. And if this doesn’t sound condescending, I don’t know what does “Give men the space and time to evolve their thoughts, words… Read more »
Do I get that men are supposed to ask women how they, men, are to change so as to be better or something?
Nope, I’m not telling men to open up a bit and ask questions that will yield better cross-communication. Men have a tough time (usually) sharing and showing feelings… women (usually) over share. It’s about working in tandem to find a meeting ground. No one is asking for permission or asking for a list of agenda items. I mean for women to back down a bit… so men can speak up a bit more. Make sense?