Andrew Smiler explores why the most promiscuous guys are the least likely to use condoms.
A recent-ish study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy found that nearly 90% of guys in their teens and twenties don’t want kids right now, yet most of them use condoms inconsistently or not at all. Preventing pregnancy isn’t a matter of luck, it’s a matter of behavior. If you don’t want to get someone pregnant, use a condom. Every time. It’s that simple.
Condoms are about 98% effective when used correctly, and they’re pretty simple to use. The biggest problem is not the “how-to” of putting a condom over the tip of an erect penis and unrolling it down the length of the shaft. (See directions at bottom on how to use a condom.) If you’re worried about doing it correctly or with just one hand, then practice when you’re alone. The biggest problem is that most guys don’t like wearing them.
Preventing pregnancy isn’t a matter of luck, it’s a matter of behavior. If you don’t want to get someone pregnant, use a condom. Every time.
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The dudes who are the least likely to wear condoms are the guys who come across as the most macho (at least on surveys). They often get called “The Man,” at least by teenage boys and young adult men who see promiscuity as central to masculinity. Today, they’re mostly called “players,” but you’ll also hear them called “Casanovas,” “Don Juans,” and “studs.”
Statistically, they start dating and having sex at younger ages than other guys and have more dating and sexual partners than other dudes. In and of itself, that level of promiscuity isn’t necessarily a problem. I’m not saying it’s good, just that promiscuity alone is not inherently bad.
The problems start when you begin to consider how these guys think about women in general, and thus the women they’re having sex with. They tend to be more sexist than average. They’re also likely to endorse a variety of ideas that suggest when a woman gets raped, it’s her fault, that she was somehow “asking for it.” Perhaps it’s no surprise that players often believe that (most) women are whores, so it’s perfectly acceptable to lie to one or “spit game” in order to get her into bed.
That leads to conundrum number one: If a guy think a woman is a whore, why sleep with her? And why not just hire an actual sex worker anyway, instead of spending half the night spending money on some random woman without knowing if he’ll actually get laid?
Part of the answer is bragging rights. There’s no doubt the sex is important. Who doesn’t like a good orgasm, after all? Sure, he might randomly find someone who does something that completely blows his mind. But if a guy’s goal is a good orgasm time after time, he’d be better off with a longer term partner who’s interested in learning exactly what he likes and doesn’t like. Or maybe he should just pay a sex worker; why use an amateur when there are professionals available?
For one, a player can’t brag about a prostitute to his friends. What exactly would he brag about? He didn’t need to make her believe some outrageous lie or somehow convince her to do something she wouldn’t otherwise do, so there’s no “seduction” story. Nor do Americans really approve of sex workers, so publicly admitting he’s used one isn’t cool. Besides, his rep is as much about the ability to seduce nearly anyone as it is the actual sex.
The typical player is relying on her to protect him, even though he doesn’t respect her, may think of her as a “whore” or “bitch,” may have spent the evening lying to her, and may have been trying to get her drunk in order to “get past her defenses.”
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Ok, so that means our player has got to screw someone he’s just met. And someone he doesn’t respect. In this scenario, you’d think that making sure there’s no lifetime reminder of this night would be a priority. No kids, no diseases. A fun night and good memories, yes. Seems obvious.
That’s where we run into conundrum number two: our player probably believes birth control is her responsibility, condoms ruin the moment, and condoms will substantially reduce his own pleasure.
That’s right. The typical player is relying on her to protect him, even though he doesn’t respect her, may think of her as a “whore” or “bitch,” may have spent the evening lying to her, and may have been trying to get her drunk in order to “get past her defenses.” Yet she’s supposed to make sure he doesn’t come away with a disease or they don’t get pregnant. Seriously?
Yes, seriously. Players’ inner worlds allow them to think she’s piece of crap he can lie to and yet expect her to be honest with him about her health and her use of the pill. They don’t seem to consider the possibility that she’s playing a game too. Maybe she can’t wait to tell her friends how much she got him to spend, how stupid his game was, and how lame his cockwork was. Maybe some other lothario seduced her and gave her a disease and now she’s seeking revenge on every player she can find.
So gentlemen, if you’re one of those guys who is just screwing around and trying to get laid, use a rubber. You have the ability to make sure this is a one time event, with no child or disease to help you remember it forever. Although you might think condoms ruin the moment, it’s only a momentary pause in the action. A crying infant or a herpes sore will ruin the moment a lot more thoroughly. And herpes sores can hurt, as about one in six American adults under age 50 can tell you.
If you’re not a player, keep using condoms anyway, even if she’s using protection too. The pill prevents pregnancy, not disease. If you love her and you plan to be with her forever, you can stop using condoms when you’re married or ready to get pregnant. What’s the rush?
Respect your self and your future. Your health, happiness, and financial status depend on it.
—photo: 3Geezy/flickr
Directions for proper condom use, provided by commenter Avery (added August 6, 2013, correcting an error in the original text): 1) Always have two condoms with you. Always. (Why? Changing partners, changing orifices, in case one is expired, etc.) Make sure hands are washed and consent is given.2) Check the expiration date. (The lubricant in condoms contains chemicals that DO expire. It can crystallize and cause microscopic tears in the latex.)
3) Check to make sure there is an air pocket. When you gently press the package between your thumb and forefinger, you should notice a slight pillow of air. If there is no air, the packaging has been compromised, and so has your condom.
4) Gently push the condom aside and open it with your fingers. Watch for long nails. Never open a condom with your teeth or scissors.
5) Check to make sure the condom will unroll correctly ON YOUR FINGERS. Place the condom on the tip of your finger and unroll it a little bit to make sure it is going the right way. DO NOT DO THIS ON THE TIP OF YOUR PENIS. As the article suggests, you can just “flip it around”, but that is not the case. Pre-ejaculate (a substance that is slowly secreted by the penis during sexual arousal) can contain millions of sperm cells and viable STI cells. If you flip over a condom like that, everything that was on the outside of your penis is now on the outside of the condom, which is what you were trying to avoid all along.
6) While pinching the tip of the condom to make sure no air is trapped, slowly unroll the condom onto the penis. There should be some slack condom at the tip this is normal, the ejaculate needs a place to go.
7)When you are finished, hold the base of the condom while pulling out of your partner to make sure it stays on and does not spill out.
8) Tie it up, throw it in the trash.
> And herpes sores can hurt, as about one in six American adults under age 50 can tell you.
That’s a misleading statement — actually, almost 90% of people with HSV-2 (herpes simplex virus 2) never have symptoms and couldn’t actually tell you how painful a herpes sore is. Furthermore, while condoms are incredibly important, they don’t protect as well against genital warts and herpes, which are transmitted by skin-to-skin contact, because they’re limited by how much of the skin they cover.
Just some things to keep in mind to stay safe!
“Respect your self and your future. Your health, happiness, and financial status depend on it.”
I know you talk about other people in the article, but this is a really selfish thought process to end on. Like “even if you don’t care about another person, remember YOU will benefit.” It lets young men off the hook for truly giving a fuck deep down.
Although I realize this article is largely about social and cultural aspects of condom use, as a sexual health educator, I could not make it past the second paragraph. There are some EXTREMELY disconcerting condom use “instructions”. Condoms are only 85% effective with typical use. And the majority of people fall into this category, because condom demos are not typically done in schools and doctor’s offices across America. So those of you who do want your condoms to be 98% effective against pregnancy and STI transmission, please read this. Proper Condom Use: 1) Always have two condoms with you. Always.… Read more »
My respect for any man who hesitates over wearing a condom decreases drastically. Women don’t like having to take the pill, a thing that messes up hormones, moods and body but we do it to make sure we are responsible so what the hell is the complaint over a piece of rubber that will double protect both partners? What are men complaining about? They can take it off whenever they want, it’s never easy for women to do the same. Men never have to ruin their health over wearing protection, there is no excuse not to. Women who don’t insist… Read more »
I suspect that this is just the sexual expression of a much bigger issue, which is that it’s hard when you’re young to wrap your mind around the possible consequences of your actions. When you’re 16 years old, nine months from now is way too far in the future. If you find a way to get the teenaged American brain to fully grasp the concept of consequences, then you’ve truly invented something incredible. I doubt these wannabe studs are young men who drive safely, plan their own college careers in detail, never text while driving, eat nutritious food, get enough… Read more »
You have written a book about boys who have early sexual experiences, yet completely ignored the 1 in 6 men who have abusive or unwanted sexual experiences during childhood.
A lot of players had an abusive first sexual experience, often with an older woman / girl. They then re-frame this experience as normal and consensual. Then they relive this abusive dynamic in all of their short subsequent relationships.
80% of adult sex addicts report being abused as children.
Hi Mike, I didn’t exactly write a book about guys who have _early sexual experiences_; I wrote about teens & 20somethings who have _lots of partners_. They’re more likely than other guys to have started at an early age, but there are plenty of players who only have 1 or 2 partners of their same age prior to hitting 18-20 and then start sleeping around. You’re correct that my book doesn’t talk about sexual abuse of children as one of the factors that predicts who is likely to become a player. In fact, I don’t really talk about anything that… Read more »
Not surprised you totally leave women out of the equation. Like Jules pointed out. These women _allow_ these guys to have sex with no condom so what does that say about them? They have the ability to say “no” if a guy won’t wear a condom.
Personally I was so terrified of getting a woman pregnant (even if on birth control) I always wore (and wanted to wear) condoms. You want to know who was begging me not to use them or throwing a fit that they hated how it felt? The women I was having sex with.
Jimbo (& Jules),
you’re absolutely correct that women can insist that men wear condoms. I believe that article has been published in Cosmo, Vogue, and a variety of other places. No reason to write it for a site that’s about men (and whose readership is primarily male).
I was trying to make the point that guys who are – or should be – worried about pregnancy and disease are perfectly capable of choosing condoms on their own.
And yes, there are women who don’t want their guy to wear a condom. That doesn’t do anything to prevent disease.
What I’ve always encountered in studies before is that promiscuity and safe sex practices are correlated, and I was unable to find anything at the links above to suggest otherwise. Is there actually a study buried somewhere on that site which supports your conclusions here, or is there just a bunch of stereotyping of the thinking of promiscuous guys going on? Honestly, the kind of “players” you talk about here sound like the kind of guys who actually have a lot less sex than they claim to (which isn’t to say they wouldn’t be pregnancy causers/disease spreaders due to their… Read more »
Hi Protgoras, Among the studies on adoelscents & young adults I’ve read, I’ve not come across any findings indicating that guys who are promiscuous are using contraception regularly. If you’ve got some references, please let me know. GMP policy allows only one link per comment, so I’ll recommend the studies by Pleck, Sonenstein, & Ku looking at sexual behavior from the National Survey of Adolescent Males. The examination of “core group” by Humblet, Paul, & Dickson (2003, Sexually Transmitted Disease [journal]) is very clear that these guys don’t use protetction, have the greatest number of partners, have the greatest levels… Read more »
It’s possible that it’s the adolescent male thing that’s the confounding factor; perhaps the correlation between promiscuity and safe sex only holds for those who are older or female. But I note that you again refer to players “reporting” higher than average numbers of partners, so I remain concerned that this seems like a group likely to exaggerate such reports.
I suspect you’re right that age/maturity is a very important piece of the puzzle here. Can you provide references for the studies documenting the connection between promiscuity & safety? I’d very much like to see them.
It seemed to me to be the common opinion of people I know who work in sexual health; STDs are mostly spread by people who don’t have a lot of partners, and who trust their partners to be similar, and so assume they don’t need to be safe. Unfortunately, I don’t remember any authors or anything from the various studies I’ve heard mentioned. At the extreme end of the lots of partners spectrum, I could probably dig up one of the many studies that shows STD rates among prostitutes in the developed world tend to be below the average for… Read more »
Thanks Protagoras. One of the primary vectors for HIV/AIDS was the infection of women in committed relationships by their partners who were having illicit sex. The guys would pick up the infection, then pass it on to their women. It moved through long distance truckers that way in the 1980s and had a similar pattern among the black population in the 1990s.
I’ve also seen those stats for prostitutes in Western nations but, as you pointed out, there are relatively few young men in those studies.
Andrew, You say, “That’s where we run into conundrum number two: our player probably believes birth control is her responsibility, condoms ruin the moment, and condoms will substantially reduce his own pleasure. That’s right. The typical player is relying on her to protect him, even though he doesn’t respect her, may think of her as a “whore” or “bitch,” may have spent the evening lying to her, and may have been trying to get her drunk in order to “get past her defenses.” Yet she’s supposed to make sure he doesn’t come away with a disease or they don’t get… Read more »
Fair points Jules. These guys definitely think; they wouldn’t be able to seduce that many women if they were idiots. That said, I agree with you that they’re not thinking about the future. As for the women, they’re allowed to have sex with whoever they choose, just as the guys are; enough ink & pixels have been spent telling women to be careful that I chose not to repeat it. There are lots of possibilities as to why they might choose players. One is that they are truly deceived by these guys. Another is that the guys get them sufficiently… Read more »
@Andrew Smiler…
Thanks for the reply.
I fully understand the motivation of women to have sex with players. You cited several reasons.
But, just why would these women be unprotected with these men is rather baffling, whether they are lying to them or not.
Data show that the highest rate of condom use is observed by teenages! Something like 72%. Can you believe that? After age 30, condom use drops to around 30%. Now, it could be due to marriage and/or long term relationships…..It is still very risky business, unless both parties have been given “clean bills of health.”