Tyler Omichinski, engaged to a woman, responds to a common question about bisexuals and commitment.
Being a bisexual in a committed relationship seems odd to a lot of people that I talk to. There is a bizarrely common refrain from both members of these relationships, and from outside observers; “What if you aren’t getting what you need?” Rather than being a genuine concern for a good relationship, it is instead a surreal observation that seems to suggest that bisexuals cannot commit to just one gender. That’s what they are talking about: it is difficult to comprehend how I, a bisexual male, could possible be happy with just a female. As an exercise in logic, this suggests that bisexuals simply cannot be engage in monogamous relationships. I sincerely hope this isn’t the case.
This is a bizarre state of affairs that I’ve both been in and heard of a number of times. Even friends of my fiancé have asked her whether it is something that she is concerned about. The disconnect, I suspect, occurs from a failure for the sides to communicate. Both homosexuals and heterosexuals are inherently only attracted to one “type,” for lack of a better way of putting it. There is an inherent difference in being attracted to both types. For people who do not understand it, the best way to explain it is that there is not an inherent desire for both sexes all the time, but rather a desire for a good partner who can be of either sex.
For people who do not understand it, the best way to explain it is that there is not an inherent desire for both sexes all the time, but rather a desire for a good partner who can be of either sex.
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The disconnect is definitely an odd one. I think it is tied to a presumption that if you like both, you must be missing out on one by choosing the other. To me, it is far more analogous to choosing one person above all others. It’s just another aspect of the person along with their personality, interests, and so on. For my fiancé and I, we know that we both want children. Thankfully, in this day and age my choice of a female for a partner was not a necessity for this decision. I suspect this factored in during an earlier portion of the calculus; I want a child or children down the road that, in turn, may have led to a preference in going on dates with females.
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The truth though is that I know it did not make a significant difference. I am madly and utterly in love with my fiancé. She’s wonderful, supportive, and we both try to always do right by each other. There may always be a gap in understanding between bisexuals in relationships with partners who are not bisexual; it is as hard for me to understand how people can be attracted to just one gender as it is for others to understand how I can be attracted to both.
I know it is not meant to be, but this questioning can feel like it speaks to the stereotypes about bisexuals that I have experienced. There seems to be a perception that we are transient, on the way to either of the relatively classic sexuality options. Even when it is not intended, I think it speaks internally to this perception of bisexuals. We are all afraid of being left, and to non-bisexuals the pool of options to be left for is just that much larger. To the bisexual though, this is just another example of a failure to understand.
This is already tied to the general stigma that plagues the homosexual community; the perceived hypersexuality of gay men. This has been a challenge for them to surmount, and now bisexuals of both genders are being perceived as being willing to sleep with just about anything. I am, personally, entirely unsure how this jump is made between an interest in the aesthetic form of both genders to the willingness to cheat. My fiancé suggests that it is because there is an inherent presumption that once an individual is willing to depart from the general norms of society there is an entire willingness to depart further.
Do I have a solution for this? As cliché as it is, I suppose all I can go with is to be understanding of each other and not presumptuous. This, however, can be a significant challenge throughout a lot of modern society. Even those within our LGBT community can be insensitive. But hopefully my experience will contribute to a more understanding and happier world, in it.
—Photo Nattu/Flickr
My boyfriend is bisexual which is completely fine, there is no problem there. The problem is that, he has a girlfriend while he is with me. I cannot deal with this as i did not agree to us having an open relationship. I am just now struggling to understand what bisexuality is amd how to handle it and thats not going so well. He amd his girlfriend go out on dates they are intimately involved with each other, sex etc. It is a very stressful thing to deal with as i feel that i am in constant competition with this… Read more »
Dear Anonymous,
Your bisexual boyfriend is openly cheating you and you seem to have accepted it since you are still in a relationship with him. Your choice!
Just leave him if you cannot accept an open relationship.
I was actually googling this question because I am struggling with it. I am a bisexual. Not in the closet, am extremely comfortable with myself. I keep it discrete but have had my share of encounters with men and women. I have tried the open relationship, and although lots of fun, it turned into high drama and a complete mess. Fantasy and reality are two different things. I love a simpler life. Now I am in a committed monogamous relationship. I have the best partner I could wish for. Super happy with it all. I do not need to hide… Read more »
make a good love buddy with a gay/bi man, talk to him. Talk with your love. then convince them about your uniqueness. You cant live half life. they need to accept as you come. remember one reason is enough to break if love is superficial and a thousand reasons are invalid if you truly love someone and if they love you they have to accept you. God made you like this. these will be two different relationship- on one hand you will be responsible to take care of your future wife and children while this man in your life will… Read more »
If Richard still has desires to be with men, he shouldn’t be in a committed relationship with a woman. When he finds the person, he wants to be with, man or woman, then the need to be with the other is less of an issue. Maybe the girlfriend isn’t the one for him. Maybe he should break-up with her and try a relationship with a man. Maybe he needs to explore that option and see if that works better for him. In short, I don’t think he’s ready to be in committed relationship.
Dear Richard,
Unless you are in an open relationship, you will have to do like the rest of us by remaining faithful wether you are straight, gay, bisexual or else.
If this urge is to painfull, you need to talk to your lover about it. You never know, she might want to play with you, both guys. She definitely should know about it cause secrets kills.
If a bisexual person chooses to marry/commit to one person, I can’t help but think he or she will be denying an innate part of his or her being. Just found out that my adult child is bisexual and am not upset for the reasons some would assume. I’m upset because it may limit my child’s ultimate happiness should he decide to marry (and therefore deny a part of himself). Does that make sense?
Yes, this makes sense. I commend you for trying to understand your child and for being so openminded.
yes it does, look my reply for Richard above.
Dear Catherine,
It does make sens and you may find a way for him to come clear to his wife so they can come up with something so they can both feel complete.
I think you’re a case of demi-sexual and bi-romantic instead of being bisexual. Bisexuality does mean having inherent sexual desire for both sexes (monosexuals have active sexual desire for one sex, bisexuals have that desire for both). Having sexual experience with only one sex for the rest of your life is not healthy because you stay abstinent from one gender. Sex is crucial in a relationship and it’s not shallow to talk about it. You sound like you don’t value sex much in a relationship but personalities and mental attraction . It shows you’re more likely to be demisexual because… Read more »
Sexual attraction is different for different people, and nobody but the individual themselves can say how they identify. Physical attraction may matter to him, but that doesn’t mean he *needs* to have sex with both genders and that “abstaining” from one gender is unhealthy. Being bisexual does not necessarily mean that you have a compulsion to have sex with both men and women, it may just mean that you’re sexually attracted to both men and women. It’s like saying not cheating in a relationship is unhealthy because you’re abstaining from sex with someone you’re attracted to. It’s totally not unhealthy!… Read more »
Dear Joy,
I am equally sexually attracted to both asian and african women. By remaining faithfull to my girlfriend who is asian will not cause me to feel any kind of emptyness and abstinence from African women and all other women outside my girlfriend is essential for a true relationship.
Hi, Thank you for the explanation… if i know you in person i will hug you for at least…30 seconds. My girlfriend its bisexual and after a few months its still hard for me to understand his identity completely. Now i am feeling a little better with “the best way to explain it is that there is not an inherent desire for both sexes all the time, but rather a desire for a good partner who can be of either sex.”.Maybe we, heterosexuals, dont understand because we are just “one-way”. We cannot imagine life without the other gender that we… Read more »
Trust, Understanding, Equality, Open-Minded, Acceptance = Peace on Earth!
So if you can’t be with the one you love honey love the one you’re with…
Honestly most women i know have slept with another woman. Does that make us all bisexual or horny?
Do we tell other people? Is it a topic of conversation at a restaurant with a group of friends? No – who i find attractive and who i have had sexual encounters with is none of their business. Does who I am sexually aroused by define me? Nope at the moment i am happily married to a man!
There’s a mathematical way to look at it, though I don’t know if it would put anyone’s mind at ease. Consider how many men a bisexual man has to choose from, and consider how many women he has to choose from. If a woman is engaged to a man and wants him to be exclusive, she has to trust that he won’t cheat on her with straight or bisexual women, who make up 95% of the female population. The men he might cheat on you with would have to be gay or bisexual themselves, or about 5% of the male… Read more »
All it takes to cheat is one person. I don’t think ratios (and I’m curious about the source of your figures especially being in the bi community and knowing how many “straight” men may not be all that straight) are what provide trust in a relationship. Or even aid in the establishment of trust. I think the main point is this: Bisexual people are….people. And loyalty, fidelity, trust, jealousy and insecurities, etc; these are all human qualities. We have them too. There’s a catch 22 for us right now. If we come out we are showing our honest selves in… Read more »
Neve thought of that! Good point, thanks. However it is not so much what is statistically available but more what is possible in the mind of the bisexual.
What an awesome way to explain things. Thank you for speaking out and hopefully allowing people to consider another perspective on our preconceived notion of how things are.