‘Rather than judge and condemn, I choose to push myself to understand and empathize.’
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I’ll admit it. I have a difficult time wrapping my brain around the idea of transgender, even though I’ve written about its scientific complexity. That part makes sense to me, at least on a logical level. Gender and sexuality are separate things and there is a clear explanation of how it all happens. So why do I still sometimes refer to transgender friends by their biological birth gender?
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I swear I’m not a jerk and I try very hard to be respectful. But my fiance has a special phrase for those moments. “Your evangelical is showing,” he says. And, perhaps, it’s true.
I grew up in a family of traditional conservatives. I spent most of my life, until I was around 40, as an evangelical minister. Gender roles were taught and reinforced through my culture. Even as a closeted gay man, I looked and acted “straight.” I married a woman and we had children. When I finally came out I wouldn’t think about going out with other men who showed the slightest bit of effeminacy. I like men who are men and women who are women. That’s the order of things, as I always understood it.
I know it’s not that cut and dry. I know humans don’t fit into nice, binary columns of male and female, or gay and straight.
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But I know better. I know it’s not that cut and dry. I know humans don’t fit into nice, binary columns of male and female, or gay and straight. In my book, Going Gay, I even tried to describe the mental shift I went through, learning to accept myself and others as someone with a strong conservative belief system. I guess it really goes to show that even when we try to understand, there are powerful belief systems that undermine our best efforts.
In the Mediterranean Journal of Social Sciences, Zoi Arvanitidou said,
The stereotypical masculine or feminine qualifications are not personality characteristics of individual men and women but socially constructed representations of gender, on the basis of what society expects of each sex.
In other words, much of what defines us as men and women, or gay or straight, etc., comes from the cultures in which we live. We dress accordingly and express our genders within those cultural norms and expectations. There is no one-size-fits-all expression of gender or sexuality.
Our personal beliefs about gender and sexuality run deep. In fact, it’s fair to say they are as ingrained in our belief systems as the definition of who we believe ourselves to be. One cannot separate one’s gender or sexuality from who he or she is. In cases where it has been attempted, such as conversion therapy, there are often dire consequences.
However, just 50 years earlier, at the turn of the 20th century, men filled nearly 85% of clerical jobs and teaching positions.
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The truth is that gender roles are constantly evolving. When my aunt was younger, she asked her father if she could go to college. His compromise was to let her go to secretarial school because that’s what women did in the early 1950s. However, just 50 years earlier, at the turn of the 20th century, men filled nearly 85% of clerical jobs and teaching positions. 62% of Chileans believed, as late as 2010, that women should limit themselves to the roles of mother and wife.
And then there are the clothes. Believe it or not, high heels were designed for men. “The high heel was worn for centuries throughout the near east as a form of riding footwear,” according to Elizabeth Semmelhack of the Bata Shoe Museum in Toronto. Soldiers could shoot their arrows better by standing up in the stirrups of their horses. When the wars were over, high heels became a fashion statement. All things impractical were a show of wealth.
According to Semmelhack, women in the 1630s smoked pipes and cut their hair like men. She contends that they adopted heels as a way to masculinize their appearances. Men, on the other hand, added lace to their clothing, and it was acceptable to do so until the 18th century, says Sara Boboltz.
Today, in the United States, we get our panties in a bunch when someone shows any sign of varied gender expression. In 2015, Jaden Smith of famed parents, Will and Jada Smith, started modeling skirts. He became the face for the Luis Vutton’s women’s wear campaign, against the ire of some of the public. Likewise, Magic Johnson’s son, EJ, made his claim to fame through the TV reality show, “The Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.” What made him stand out more than his dad was his outrageous and expensive fashion accessories, including purses, pearls and pendants.
None of this is new. None of this is even strange when placed against the backdrop of history and cultural context. But since most of us don’t have a historical context against which to measure the behavior, other than our own limited upbringing, we just call it weird. And that brings us back to our gut level reactions about transgender people.
Fortunately, I’ve learned that the world doesn’t revolve around me, or my opinions. I’ve surrounded myself with people, like my fiancé, to challenge my long-held beliefs.
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Fortunately, I’ve learned that the world doesn’t revolve around me, or my opinions. I’ve surrounded myself with people, like my fiance, to challenge my long-held beliefs. I’ve met many transgender people, gotten to know their stories and built friendships with them. Some, in fact, are heroes of mine. They have fought upstream and out loud, not only for themselves and their families but also for the future of other transgender men and women behind them. I’ve watched their public struggles and I’ve heard their private tears.
I am disgusted when I see people singing “Jesus loves me” at a mom of a transgender son because they disagree with her, or hear of “Christian” organizations sending men into the women’s restroom of a store chain to “test its barriers.” These people and laws create problems where none existed before. Their actions are bigoted, ignorant, hateful, and mean. They portray their god as a small, insignificant, uneducated, mean-spirited, worrisome troll, incapable of love, empathy or compassion. It is no wonder their kind of religious faith has continued to decline in America. Quite frankly, the faster it disappears, the better off society will be.
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So yes, being a transgender person is a foreign concept to me. It’s a struggle I haven’t experienced and one that challenges ingrained concepts instilled in me as a child. Rather than judge and condemn, I choose to push myself to understand and empathize. I may never relate fully to the transgender struggle, but I do understand their humanity. So, I get the bigger point. It is not about me understanding, it is about me offering the respect my fellow citizen deserves.
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Photo: Getty Images
No. Not all of US cis folks don’t understand trans nor even gender non conforming, or fluid if you will. Many of us do understand the continuum of sexuality. Yout e group has just as much problem thinking we’re all the same too. Some are, some aren’t but don’t toss it all in one huge tub as if it’s a complete truth. Because it ain’t. And not by a long shot. Give us some credit too. Y’all are a perfect example of not being in someone else’s shoes. We all are. We’re all coming from an egotistical and self centered… Read more »
Kindness and respect require no understanding. They just require kindness and respect.
You can learn this from LGBT people if you really desire to.
The title gave out the “anti-trans” feeling against the “political correctness mayhem” 😉 I’ll admit it, I have troubles to understand why some people love just people of only one sex/gender (regardless of it). I know it happens a lot but why are they flawed like this lessening their chances to find a more suitable partner? 😉 I just accept those differences as natural occurrence it and don’t think about it, nor do I try to understand. Can we trans folks understand cis folks? Some of us thinks we don’t (I haven’t talked to everybody on that topic :P). And… Read more »