Guest blogger, radio host, and father of twins Matt Walsh clears up a few important points on the always touchy subject of kids’ tantrums in public spaces.
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To the fan I lost yesterday:
I don’t owe you an explanation, but I thought I’d offer one anyway. I do this more for your sake than mine. You see, maybe, as you later suggested, I was in a bad mood. Maybe I could have been a bit more polite about it. Maybe I’m more sensitive to it now that I have kids. Maybe I’m just sick of hearing these comments about parents. Maybe I know that my wife has to take the twins with her when she goes grocery shopping sometimes, so she could easily be on the receiving end of your sort of bullying. Maybe I took it personally.
I heard the kid screaming from a distance; the whole store heard him. It was a temper tantrum, a meltdown, a hissy fit — it happens.
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Whatever the case, there I was, walking down the aisles of the grocery store looking for the ingredients for a new chili recipe I wanted to try. I heard the kid screaming from a distance; the whole store heard him. It was a temper tantrum, a meltdown, a hissy fit — it happens. Toddlers are notorious for losing their cool at the most inconvenient times. Nobody likes to hear it, but it happens. You’re out running errands with your little guy, everything is fine, and next thing you know he’s in full-on rabid poodle mode. It’s humiliating and emotionally draining, but what can you do? Pull out that large glass sound proof aquarium you carry around and stick your kid in it so nobody can hear him shriek? That’s a possibility, but the logistics don’t always work. Slightly more realistically, the peanut gallery probably expects you to drop all of your groceries and immediately run into the parking lot, so as to save them from having to deal with the spectacle. But it’s not always that simple; maybe you don’t have time to shut down the whole operation just because Billy’s gone nuclear.
It wasn’t that simple for the mother of this kid. I finally came across her in the beans aisle. She had a cart full of groceries, a kid riding along, and another one walking beside her. Well, he wasn’t really walking so much as convulsing and thrashing about like he’d invented some bizarre, angry interpretive dance. He was upset about something, from what I gathered it had to do with a certain lucky cereal he wished to acquire, but which his mother refused to purchase. I felt his pain, poor guy. My mom never bought me sugary cereal either — “breakfast candy,” she called it. She used to get us Cheerio’s — “breakfast cardboard,” I called it.
I felt the woman’s pain even more. She could bribe her kid into silence, but she was sticking to her guns. Good for her, I thought.
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I felt the woman’s pain even more. She could bribe her kid into silence, but she was sticking to her guns. Good for her, I thought. Sure, if she’d only meet his ransom demands, my bean purchasing experience would be a bit more pleasurable, but I was rooting for her nonetheless. Not everyone felt the same way, apparently.
I’d met you a few minutes earlier. You told me you were a fan. We spoke for a moment, you seemed nice enough. Then we crossed paths again there by the beans and the screaming toddler. I guess you thought we were friends, you thought you could confide in me your deepest thoughts. You glanced toward the mother and the kid, then at me, rolled your eyes and said in a loud voice: “Man, some people need to learn how to control their f**king kids.” The lady could definitely hear you, but I guess that was your intention. You had this expression like you were expecting a high five. “Yeah, put it here, dude, you really told that young mother and her three year old off! Nice!” Is that how you thought I’d respond? What is it about me that made you think I would react that way? You’re the second stranger in the last few months to say something like that to me about a mom with a tantrum-throwing toddler.
Yeah, I didn’t respond the way you anticipated. Instead, I offered my own helpful suggestion: “Man, some people need to learn how to shut their mouths, watch their language, and mind their own business.” You looked at me like I hurt your feelings, then you muttered some choice words under your breath — as cowards are wont to do — and walked away. Later that day you sent me an email, threatening to tell everyone that I’m “abusive” and “crappy” to my listeners. Well, now I’m one step ahead of you. Now, everyone knows about my shameful “abuse.” Let them decide who’s the bully: the guy who vulgarly insults a woman while she’s dealing with a difficult child, or the guy who tells the guy who insulted the woman to shut up and go away?
After you left, injury was quickly added to insult when her kid bumped into a display and knocked a bunch of stuff onto the ground. I started to help pick it all up, but she said she wanted her son to do it because he’s the one who made the mess. Touché, madam. Nicely played. A lot of people would buckle under the pressure of having sonny going psycho in aisle 7, while, seemingly, the whole world stops to gawk and scrutinize, but this lady stayed cool and composed. It was an inspiring performance, and it’s too bad you missed the point because your feeble mind can only calculate the equation this way: misbehaving child = BAD PARENT.
I’m no math major, but that calculus makes no sense. A kid going berserk at a grocery store doesn’t indicate the quality of his parents.
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I’m no math major, but that calculus makes no sense. A kid going berserk at a grocery store doesn’t indicate the quality of his parents, anymore than a guy getting pneumonia after he spends six hours naked in the snow indicates the quality of his doctor. Grocery stores are designed to send children into crying fits. All of the sugary food, the bright packaging, the toys, the candy — it’s a minefield. The occasional meltdown is unavoidable, the real test is how you deal with it. This mother handled it like a pro. She was like mom-ninja; she was calm and poised, but stern and in command.
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See, I figure there are two types of people who mock and criticize parents whose children throw tantrums in public. The first is — from what I gathered based on your age (you looked about 19? 20, perhaps?) and what you said in your follow up email — your type: the non-parent who thinks, if they ever have kids, they’ll discover the secret formula that will prevent their hypothetical son or daughter from ever crying in front of other people. Then they promptly scrutinize and chastise real parents for not having this fake, imaginary, impossible, non existent formula. This sort of non-parent doesn’t realize that, unless they plan on using a muzzle and a straightjacket, there is nothing they can do to tantrum-proof their toddler.
Fine. Ignorant non-parents, who don’t know what they’re talking about, imposing ridiculous standards on actual parents because it makes them feel superior. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. As bad as you people are, you’re not nearly as horrible as the second type: actual parents with grown children who judge other parents, as if they haven’t been in the exact same situation many times. I had an older guy complain to me recently about babies that cry during church. He said: “Back when our children were babies, you didn’t have this problem.” Interesting. Apparently babies didn’t cry in the 50′s. The whole “crying baby” thing is a new fad, it would seem. These folks who had kids a long time ago seem to have a rather selective memory when it comes to their own days of parenting young kids. They also tend to dismiss the fact that modern parenting presents unique challenges, some of which didn’t apply several decades ago. I always love the older folks who lecture about how THEIR kids weren’t as “attached to electronics” as kids are nowadays. That’s probably true, but mainly because, well, YOU DIDN’T HAVE ELECTRONICS. You had a toaster and a black and white TV with 2 channels, both of which were pretty easy to regulate. But, sure, congratulations for not letting your kids use things that didn’t exist. On that note, I have a strict “no time machines or hover-boards” policy in my home. It is stringently enforced. I’m thinking of writing a parenting book: “How to Stop Your Child From Becoming Dependent Upon Technology That Isn’t Invented Yet”
If you had just shut up and paid attention, you’d realize that YOU could learn plenty from mothers like the one we both encountered yesterday.
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Anyway, listen, I don’t think you, of all people, should be telling other folks what they “need to learn.” If you had just shut up and paid attention, you’d realize that YOU could learn plenty from mothers like the one we both encountered yesterday. I know I have lots and lots to learn as a young parent, which is why I’m always prepared for a more experienced parent to take me to school and teach me a thing or two, even if they don’t know they’re doing it. Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do. You shouldn’t scrutinize parents when you aren’t one, for the same reason I wouldn’t sit and heckle an architect while he draws up the blueprint for a new skyscraper. I know that buildings generally aren’t supposed to fall down, but I don’t have the slightest clue as to how to design one that won’t, so I’ll just keep my worthless architectural opinions to myself.
That’s a strategy you might consider adopting.
In any event, it was nice meeting you.
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Photo of boy screaming by David Salafia
Matt Walsh is a blogger and talk radio host. He’s also a father of twins and a writer of haikus. If you enjoyed this article please take a second and share it with your friends. If you hate this article, please do the same.
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Listen to The Matt Walsh Show live, 3-6 pm eastern, on 630 WLAP: http://www.wlap.com/pages/MattWalsh.html
We were lucky. Our daughter doesn’t act out in public. Sometimes she will at home, but the rest of the world doesn’t see that. When we brought her back from China on a huge plane, some prunefaces were griping about all the babies on the flight. There were a lot. Though Sarah was very good on the plane, I almost wished she’d make some noise just to stick it to those loudmouths, but she didn’t, and that’s how she has always been. (Once, she got in a snit when we were with my sisters, and I congratulated them, because they… Read more »
Lately, I say let kids test their boundaries. I couldnt give two cents about complying with surrounding adults temperment or expectations of child behavior. Society holds children to a standard that adults should hold themselves to. A compliant child will have a voice? Will defend themselves from ills and injustices? Maybe, you arceholes in the store would like to think so. Let the kid have a voice, let them be free and stop judging other parents. Meanwhile one day the public compliant child may realize what a suffocating and b.s. world we live in with adults who are fake as… Read more »
First, I have to say Bravo for defending the mother! The woman that insulted the struggling mother was totally out of line and if we are honest we will admit we have felt like saying those insulting things but have the restraint not to because every situation is different and in this case the mother was trying her best. Second, having grown children I have learned to tune most screaming children out. I don’t know if it is special power you acquire after raising children and now have grandchildren but I am thankful to have it, wish I could bottle… Read more »
Raising kids and raising dogs isn’t all that different when they’re very young. As any good dog trainer will tell you, the problem’s not really the dog, it’s the owner.
The funny thing is, nobody gets upset when they hear that from Cesar Milan or Barbara Woodhouse about their interactions with their dogs. But they get all huffy when they hear it said about their interactions with their kids.
Human beings are so funny – and yes your kid is out of control because you’re not parenting properly. Deal with it, and get some training.
I wasn’t lucky enough to have kids, but I don’t usually mind kids making a fuss. I just have a compunction to want to confront the kid myself with a little something to remind him/her that everyone else is listening too, you know, just so they’re aware. Of course, this probably wouldn’t be received very well by some parents, but in truth, kids become accustomed to testing their parents’ boundaries, while they’re often afraid enough of strangers to settle down. So, if I were to lean over and say “Hey, kid, you ARE aware that you’re making a scene, right?;… Read more »
When my kids were tantrum age, i was that mom. Because i believed, and still do, that reacting to the tantrum in anyway taught them that tantrums work, thereby increasing the probability of future tantrums. Child askef for a thing, wad denied, had a tantrum, and was ignored until the tantrum was over. Child asks for a thing, and accepts the no graciously, child was praised and rewarded. It doesnt take long for kids to our together that formula. Was it embarrassing? Hell, yes. I still remember the burning shame as my child held his breath in a silent scream… Read more »
I am fine with temper tantrums in stores but I HATE parents who let their children ruin everything for people in restaurants and coffee shops and such. Fine, use grocery stores as a teaching moment but keep your brats out of adult spaces until your teaching sinks in. It is NOT the world’s problem you decided to breed and I am trying to drink coffee in a space where quiet is expected I will shame you right out the door.
I was a bit argumentative before. Let me take a more reasonable approach. Here’s the compromise. (It’s a double standard, tailored to your own identity. Ignore my advice to the other group.) Parents: remind yourself that being a parent is the greatest joy in the world. The rewards are totally worth all the hassles. Remember that you are doing the most important job in the world, and those people without children are missing out on all the wonderful things that you get to experience. There’s no way that some unfair comments could possibly spoil the greatest experience in the world,… Read more »
It’s hilarious that some parents are so bent out of shape when other people glare at them or whisper behind their backs because of their children’s behavior. Ohmygosh! Not glares and whispers! Anything but that! Oh, the horror! How awful, that people might look and mutter under their breath. What an obnoxious invasion of your life, that people in a store might stare and whisper. Worse than screeching children, is it. Seriously, I don’t get it. Some parents can totally ignore their children screaming, but they can still pick up every word I mutter to myself if it’s about them.… Read more »
Because would you like it if someone told you that you were messing your kid up? Possibly lowering their IQ by letting them cry, or otherwise going too soft on them and making them spoiled? Because no matter what it is, be it parenting or trying to cook or fix a computer problem, if you’re working on a frustrating situation and someone in the background is there telling you you’re doing it 100% wrong–AND about to corrupt a human life over it–it’s really, really infuriating.
I bet it’s infuriating. Yet, somehow I’m supposed to be able to ignore really loud noises, while parents are not able to ignore inside-voice comments. If it’s so easy to ignore obnoxious people (screaming babies), then it should be easy for you to ignore me when I say something. I’m supposed to ignore 100 decibels, but you can’t ignore 10?
Ooh, don’t forget eye rolls. Parents are really sensitive to eye rolls. A kid screaming in their ear can’t get their attention, but my eye roll is simply awful…..
But everybody who’s not a parent LOVES eye rolls.
Now I’m really confused. My parents clearly raised me with the impression that parents bear a huge responsibility for the behavior of their children. My parents still frequently comment on how children’s behavior is a reflection of the child’s upbringing.
My parents are not non-parents. They are parents, and they know firsthand what raising children is like. They comment negatively when a child pitches a gigantic tantrum in a store and a parent seems oblivious. So, seems like they have some good wisdom to share.
I never threw tantrums when I was a kid, because if I did, my parents would take my ass to the car immediately and give me a whooping.
I am a single mom of a now 7 year old. He has never thrown a full fledged tantrum at home or in public. If he would get upset when I told him no I told him suck it up life goes on and if he wants to act like he’s crazy he will be grounded when we got home and I would take his toys away. Him and I have a very loving relationships but he knows no means no and if it’s asked again he will lose some of the things he has. When I hear kids screaming… Read more »
Bringing kids with you on errands and in public is the only way to TEACH them how to behave in public. No one can say they were perfect kids, so good on Mr. Greene for teaching the 19-year-old (a kid herself) how to behave in front of other adults.
A few points: The person in the store shouldn’t have spoken that way or been so incredibly passive aggressive. A person does not get pneumonia by sitting naked in the snow. The mother was good to make her child pick the things up, but when I was a kid and had a tantrum (we all did), whichever parent I was with stopped and left the public space and went outside (or away from the gathering of people) until I stopped. It didn’t matter if it was in the middle of dinner, or the grocery store or church if they didn’t… Read more »
You lost one fan, gained another 🙂
I’ve never been a parent but I’ve been a child. When I threw tantrums in public, my parents stopped taking me out. No grocery stores, no parks, no nada, nothing, zilch. Telling non-parents “you are shit out of luck. You don’t know how it’s like being a parent. I will coddle as I will and you can suck it”, seem like a selfish and inconsiderate thing to do. But of course if you feel like you are entitled to do as you will in public space because you are a parent and I am not, then I will attempt to… Read more »
Having raised children and been in the situation described I vote for taking the screaming, out of control child out of the store. No lesson is going to be learned when a toddler is in full melt down, believe me, I know this for a fact. There are plenty of melt downs at home where lesson learning can be done. Part of the lesson learning in the above article could be that when you yell and scream you will be taken from the desired object and go home. Also, quite often tantrum throwing is an indication of not feeling well,… Read more »
Lets say an adult walks into a grocery store and starts throwing a tantrum. What would happen? Maybe we’d tolerate it for a bit, but at some point he or she would be asked to leave. Why are there different standards for kids? You might say “adults should know better”. True, but kids are LEARNING. That parent should have taken her child outside long before he knocked over items in the store. Whether or not that child was old enough to understand what’s really happening, actions speak a lot louder than words. Dogs, cats, and birds can be trained though… Read more »
You are right on one front – kids are always learning and actions speak louder than words. And if she had taken him out of the store or given him what he wanted, he would have learned that he could influence her by having a tantrum. Absolutely the wrong message. As long as the child is not in danger nor endangering others nearby, ignoring a tantrum is indeed the BEST way to teach a child. They quickly realize that it doesn’t matter how much they scream and flail, they won’t get that sugary treat or toy that they aren’t allowed.… Read more »
I agree their could be something done about the screaming child. My problem with it is my consideration and my problems. You see I can not take an extended sound barrage on my ears without it setting off a migraine (ever have them?) they are painful. So yes I think the child should be taken out side until he settles down because all the parent can do is stand there until he calms down anyway. So why put people through your trauma? Most if not all stores would gladly hold your cart until you 1. take him outside til he… Read more »
Some times you do not have time to take your kid outside. I would much see a kid keep throwing a fit then see a parent give in. My child never had a fit because she could not have what she wanted. She knew from a very young age that if I said no, then I mean no. She also knew if I had the extra money I would usually get it for her. If you give in even one time it will be easier to give in the next time. Soon the kid has learned that fit pitching gets… Read more »
Most of us, throughout our lives, have received messages that certain experiences are good and other experienceses are bad. Misplacing my keys is bad. Being on time is good. My child’s tantrums are bad. Well behaved children are good. The terrible two’s are bad. College graduation is good. Oh, and what beliefs we have about the teen-age years. This sacred path of mine, as a mother, is a path of accepting the totality of life ~ still triggering, plenty, however ~ recognizing the invitation in each of my children’s needs, each cry, to soften and accept and bring my heart… Read more »
I love this blog! As the parent of a supernaturally active toddler, I feel that mom’s pain and have learned the lessons she was demonstrating with her child in that grocery store. I have also had folks in both of your non-parent categories offer very unhelpful suggestions about how to deal with my child. I would add only one comment regarding the older parent who feels the need to hold forth on how this wouldn’t have happened when his children were younger. It’s not that it didn’t happen, as you so correctly point out. But the reason the older parent… Read more »
No one has to like you or your kids. Get over it. It’s not that we don’t understand how hard it is.. it’s just the fact that ‘stupid people’ in general are procreating like crazy. The world is overpopulated and yet people still haven’t gotten the memo that one or two kids is more than enough. And please.. can new mother stop trying to hit my toes with their baby strollers? I understand you are cranky from the hormones, but I did not do anything to you and just because you have a stroller does not make you entitled to… Read more »
Solution: Be responsible for your own toes’ safety- move away from sleep deprived parent with a monster stroller. And yes it is a polite thing to do, cause no parent is out there hunting down your toes – it just happens
So sleep deprived parents get a free pass at everything? Sleep deprived parent t-bones you, well you should have been more responsible for your own safety. Terrible logic.
Yes, and when the sleep-deprived, distracted mom runs over the pedestrian in her mini-van, well the pedestrian should have thought of that before going for a walk.
You’re right, it’s not fair, but I’ve learned to walk defensively around mooms pushing strollers. I just have to expect that I’ll need to be more alert. It’s the same as when I see someone texting while driving. That driver shouldn’t be texting, but unfortunately in that moment I have to protect myself from other people’s stupidity. I wish that wasn’t the way of the world, but it is.
Mark–thank you for this excellent article, and for your response to Kyle. Sadly, before I had children I was one of the judgers. Then I had children and then I had mostly sympathy for the parent, as I had some experience of what it was like. It is so easy to think that we can do better than someone else in their parenting. Even parents who appear to behaving badly, would any of us want to be judged by people witnessing one event in our lives? Thanks again
I have to echo what a few of you have said. First, I’m of the belief that if you don’t want to deal with kids behavior in public, stay home. That’s a bit ridiculous, I know, but seriously, there are kids in the world, and kids tantrum sometimes. Deal. I am a very good parent. My kid tantrums sometimes and I don’t give in. That means that others have to hear it. Deal. Also, my middle child has autism. He will sometimes have sensory meltdowns that look a lot like tantrums to some folks. Anyone with a child with autism… Read more »
I was one of the judgemental people who thought that I could’ve done a better job than that. Back when I was 15 and didn’t have a clue. Then I grew up, but unfortunately not all people do
“if you don’t want to deal with kids behavior in public, stay home.”
Okay, then by the same logic if you don’t want your kid to hear people like me swearing or using adult language, you should not go to the same stores I do.
Thanks for that info. I wasn’t planning on taking my daughter to a seedy bar or drug den, where profanities may be acceptable. Profanities in public places, including stores shouldn’t be tolerated at any point. I’m sorry that you think it is, I take it that your parents or guardians didn’t instill this in you. Kind regards.
“I take it that your parents or guardians didn’t instill this in you.”
Excellent. We agree, then. Parents ARE responsible for the way their children behave.
I volunteer to replace the fan you lost. My condolences for your loss, but congrats on me. I’m rad.
This has nothing to do with parents and non-parents. This is about children. We were all children once. Noisy, tantrum-prone little rug rats. Now its payback time, and we all have to put up with the screaming. Nobody gets a free pass.
Well said David.
[This is in reply to no one in particular, just in response to similar messages I’ve seen here.] It sound like what you’re saying is that we just have to accept children’s behavior no matter what, no matter how bad it is? Kids will be kids and that’s all there is to it? That’s pretty extreme. I’d say there has to be a balance somewhere in the middle. The complaining person in the store may have had totally unrealistic expectations. However, that doesn’t mean therefore no one should have any complaints about how children behave. Surely parents must have *some*… Read more »
+1