I’m gay, I have a family, I’ve been successful in business, and I recently turned 50. I looked around at my community recently and I perceived that my gay male friends in particular were missing a lot of true intimacy – genuine human connection between non-sexual partners.
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They were either having lots of sex in an effort to connect, or they were drawing back from dating altogether because it wasn’t fulfilling their need for full intimacy.
Seeing that need, I started building a professional cuddling service called Cuddlist to provide cuddling as a sort of therapy. It’s safe, non-sexual, physical intimacy as a healing context for my clients, who often feel like they live touch-starved lives.
I’ve been through a lot of inner work to create a well-adjusted life, and cuddling – (along with yoga and meditation) is one of the most powerful methodologies I’ve used to consistently create fullness in my life. The scientific research supports the physiological and psychological importance of touch.
…there is a real need in the gay community for safe intimacy.
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As I’ve grown my practice and the larger Cuddlist movement, I’ve noticed that there is a real need in the gay community for safe intimacy.
In general, our gay clients fall into 3 categories:
- Healthy well-adjusted life with great sex and full intimacy… who know how valuable touch is.
- Haven’t had a date in 25 years, don’t get touch needs met, loneliness is calcified into their bones as a story… need help with safely reversing the numbness and embracing intimate vulnerability.
- Acted out sexually because they didn’t know how else to get intimacy… don’t know any other way to get it – and “it” doesn’t work any more. This is a different kind of numbness that has to do with lacking real presence or depth… with wanting to feel more in life.
Partially, I believe this divide is still leftover from the AIDS crisis and how it has affected us generationally… along with the way the media portrays gay men. Also – even though we are gay, we grew up with the same construct of masculinity all boys do – and that becomes internalized.
But across the board, I really see gay men wanting more of this intimacy and depth.
Intimacy is not the sex-crazed thing, but it isn’t the abstinence thing either…
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Male Certified Cuddlers provide a healing context for the gay community. Intimacy is not the sex-crazed thing, but it isn’t the abstinence thing either… you’re allowed to be touched and have intimacy. There’s a spectrum.
…realizing that spectrum is something I believe our community is uniquely capable of embracing.
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The challenge of realizing that spectrum is something I believe our community is uniquely capable of embracing.
In the gay community, there’s some real healing that could happen if we allowed ourselves the physical, non-sexual, intimate touch of cuddling.
Photo by Flickr/Kevin McShane