Sarah Beaulieu struggled to find the right way to tell people she was a sexual assault survivor. Here’s how you can support someone who opens up about sexual assault.
As a survivor of sexual violence, I always found it challenging to “come out” to a potential love interest about my history. It never seemed to come up naturally in conversation on a date.
There is no right or wrong approach to telling a date that you are a survivor of sexual violence. It’s a completely personal decision, and you have to figure out what works for you. In college, one of my big motivations for sharing my story publicly at Take Back the Night was to share it with the entire universe of potential love interests all at once, so I didn’t have to tell it again and again every time I met someone new.
As the years went on, I experimented with many different tactics. Sometimes, I told people on the first date. Sometimes I told them BEFORE the first date. Sometimes I told them over coffee. Sometimes I told them after a second round of drinks. Sometimes, the relationship fizzled out before I had a chance to share my story at all.
On the one hand, I never felt like I wanted to hide my history of sexual violence from dates, just like I wouldn’t hide the death of a parent or a bad car accident. Being a survivor—and the resilience that goes along with it—is such a deep part of who I am. I knew I needed a partner with an appropriate level of spiritual depth, emotional intelligence, and empathy to join me on my lifelong journey of being a survivor. On the other hand, it was a personal story and one that I didn’t necessarily want to share in detail with someone unless I saw a future together.
Ultimately, I learned to open the door to my history a little bit at a time, in ways that tracked with the developing intimacy with the relationship. For example, I referred to “darker times,” or mentioned that I saw a therapist regularly. When I started volunteering at the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center as a medical advocate and then as a survivor speaker, I found ways to drop volunteer experiences into the conversation. I found ways to start the conversation, and decided how deep I wanted to go based on the response.
As a survivor and as a human, I can only be the expert in my own experience. But throughout my decade of dating, I picked up a few pointers when it comes to encountering a survivor of sexual violence on a date.
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DO educate yourself. If you have never encountered a sexual violence survivor, please, please educate yourself before going on any more dates. One out of four women and one out of six men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Chances are, you will go on a date with a survivor, so do yourself and your future dates a favor and start learning about the issue now. There are lots of places where you can go educate yourself at a place like RAINN, National Sexual Violence Resource Center, or 1in6, and here’s a link to a fact sheet from the Center for Disease Control. That way, you won’t put yourself in the positions of asking your date to be your teacher and you are much less likely to say something that will later regret.
DON’T assume it’s baggage. I remember the look I would sometimes get from dates, “Oh god, this chick has baggage.” Newsflash: All humans have baggage, it’s what makes us human. Being a survivor of sexual violence does not make you inherently damaged. Sure, it’s a trauma, but with proper, professional help, survivors can live and thrive in the world. And like I now tell my husband when we go away for the weekend: I may have a lot of baggage, but I’m strong enough to carry it myself.
Don’t try to fix it. Even if this person is at the beginning of the process, you do not need to save or fix the person. Sure, sometimes the person sharing might be doing so because they need some help, in which case you can refer them to a professional. You are probably not a therapist. And even if you are, you are on a date, not in a therapy session. If you want to fix something, try fixing the issue of sexual violence by talking about it more openly, volunteering with an anti-sexual violence organization, or attending an awareness or prevention workshop or event.
Do say something. This might be obvious. But stunned, open-mouthed silence was something I encountered far too often. You might be afraid of saying the wrong thing, but say something, anything. Try saying thank you. Whether it’s the first time or the 50th time sharing a story of sexual assault, it’s a hard thing to do. This person trusted you—yes you!—enough to tell you, so be grateful—and pumped—that you are that kind of person.
Here are some other suggestions if you find yourself at a loss for words:
- Wow, thank you for telling me that. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.
- I’m so grateful you trusted me enough to share that part of your life.
- No one has ever shared that kind of story with me before, but I’m really glad you did. I know sexual violence impacts so many people.
- I’m so sorry that happened to you. What kinds of things helped you along the way?
Don’t put your foot in your mouth. If you have taken the time to educate yourself, you probably won’t say any of these things: What were you wearing? Why were you alone? Were you drunk? Was there a condom? Are you sure? That’s can’t be true. Who was it? How can you still speak to your family? Why didn’t you report it to the police? That must make sex really hard for you.
Do call to follow up. If you decide you don’t like the person enough to continue dating them, call them. Go the extra step to let them know that you think they are brave/courageous/insert true and positive adjective here but that you don’t feel that special something you want to feel in order to go out on another date. Don’t make your date wonder whether you thought he or she was damaged goods because of sexual violence.
Don’t blab. Keep his or her confidence, even if you don’t continue dating. While we continue to reduce the shame and stigma around sexual violence, it’s still a personal story. It’s not to announce to your friends and families, or to gossip about online or in person. Hold and honor this story with respect and confidence. It’s not your story to tell.
Now that I’m married, I don’t have to share my story on romantic dates, but I still meet new friends and colleagues all the time. And while I don’t have to tell them about my history of sexual violence, I often do because I think it’s an important way to make the issue more accessible and personal. By doing so, I hope to make it easier for friends, dates, and regular people to talk openly about the things that make them who they are.
Image: iStock
It sounds like nothing but garbage defensive men are replying to your article. I found it very helpful it made me feel like I would like to stay in contact with you. I’m at a very difficult time right now and this made a lot of sense for the men that are replying with such hate keep it to yourselves and shut the fuck up
Really badly written article.. pitfalls??
I feel as though the tone of this article were all wrong. Men don’t owe feminine sexual abuse survivors anything. In fact, no one owes anyone anything in modern (particularly American) society. Whenever you expose yourself in any social matrix you run the risk of rejection or offense. Period. Particularly if you’re dating, you should be thinking about what to reveal and when and the responsibility rests SOLELY ON YOU to make the right call. Using people as sounding boards is selfish and crappy. If your feelings are so easily hurt keep your most painful matters to yourself. If you… Read more »
Wow. Repressed much?! ?
This article isn’t about what you owe women. This article is advice to real men who want to be good partners to women. Empathy and patience is a helpful part of establishing healthy relationships. What if you were to meet a strong assertive, educated professional woman that you wanted a relationship with? What if then she told you she was abused and traumatized by her ex husband which makes romance somewhat difficult? This article would be helpful. Abused women aren’t feeling like they are owed something by potential partners. They will be dealing with the trauma they went through for… Read more »
you are absolutely despicable.
What a fool you are Bradford. I’m a man, I was raped. I can identify with all the issues that are written in the article. My comment will have no impact on you, so fuck you, and if you don’t like that then that’s your problem, if your offended, maybe your not ready to be posting things on line and need to work on yourself. See what I did there ? Fuck off
It really breaks my heart, when I hear of a Lady go through this. I feel in weird way helpless that I can’t restore her confidence back and her dignity. I wish I could hug them and say it wasn’t your fault, please don’t hurt yourself further by thinking you did anything to cause this. It hurts me to know a man can not see how wrong he is….he wouldn’t dare to have such a wish on his female family members, but why does he think its OK to do that to another female :'( .
Thanks for this article. My sister told me and my family about her assault at the Boston Crisis Center. What a great place. Your words were really helpful to me.
OK, here’s a crazy idea. If this is in fact “The Good Men Project,” why not have some men write the articles? If there is a need for this kind of thing, the implication being that there is a shortage of good men, then maybe GOOD MEN could advise MEN on how to BE Good Men. I know and was raised by good men, I looked this group up, hoping to associate with more of the same.. and yet the last three or more articles I’ve seen posted were written by women. Are there NO good men you could consult?… Read more »
Part of being a good man is realizing that the woman you begin to date and/or have a relationship with might share a traumatic experience of hers with you. These tips are appropriately written by a woman who was sexually assaulted, so who better to take advice from on how to respond to your significant other should they choose to share this? Also, there are a good number of articles written by men on this site, but that shouldn’t mean that advice can’t be taken from a woman. I always appreciate reading a man’s perspective on a female oriented site… Read more »
I prefer to just not bring it up. Women don’t really seem to get it unless they themselves have been assaulted. The ones that don’t get it have zero clue about how it affects a man, and in many cases think less of them for it.
Hi Sarah, Thanks for your story. I went through some terrible bullying when I was in school, not sexual abuse, but bad enough. To give you an example when I was about 12 my school principal held me about a foot off the ground and strangled me until I passed out just because I was complaining about being bullied. Even today I see things like Afghanistan prison camps and think they would be a walk in the park. (I’m not saying that’s true, just that I have had most of that done to me for 13 years of school) I… Read more »
James, I’m so sorry all of that happened to you, especially the not being believed. Learning to trust again is an everyday practice that happens moment to moment. Kudos to you for finding the courage to put one foot in front of the other, and know that you deserve to find the love and trust you are looking for in life.
These tips are fantastic not just for survivors of sexualassault, but for all survivors of trauma. I survived 18 years of child abuse, which I still count as gender violence because my father hated all women, especially me. It is always difficult to share this with a partner, especially because I am still suffering from the effects of PTSD. The worst response from a partner that I have ever gotten was when my boyfriend suggested that I stop sharing my past because he was afraid it would make me upset. This was particularly awful because he not only avoided having… Read more »
i am a survivor of the sexual abuse/assault of incest & while I don’t make it a point to tell everyone, it’s not something i specifically hide. I speak on it only as a part of my experience & part of who I am, just like any other life event.
I’m remaining anonymous here (sorry for the fake email and such), because I’m a sexual assault survivor several times over. I’ve just recently come to grips with the fact that the stuff that’s happened to me – since the age of 5 – was NOT normal. I grew up thinking every female went through some form of assault at some point in their lives – almost like it was some kind of “rite of passage”, if you will. I have two daughters and one son, and I have always made it my intent that they would not go through the… Read more »
I am so sorry all of this happened to you Mary. That guy is an absolute piece of sh*t . Your friend was also wrong to be angry with you- this is your story to share or not share as YOU please. You don’t have to share anything with your husband. It is already so amazing that you have been able to trust someone enough to marry them. You are already so strong and brave. I have found that been completely honest with my partner about my past traumas (I have had many, although they were all physical attacks rather… Read more »
This feels close at home to me for a different reason, I am a survivor of abuse but not sexual assault. It is always so hard to tell when is the appropriate time to divulge information about your trauma. You don’t want to be judged unfairly or have your past experiences affect the way people view you. The key term here is survivor. We are strong and telling that story may help to share that strength to others with similar experiences. Don’t bottle it up, but share in a safe environment. And know their misunderstanding is not a reflection of… Read more »
if it was sexual abuse, that counts as assault too
This is a wonderful article and very helpful in navigating tricky territory. As a domestic violence survivor I identify strongly with the presumed baggege part. Because mine was publicized and I am an outspoken advocate, my history is all there when I am googled. It saddens me how presumptuous potential partners can be about who I am and perceived accompanying drama. As you note, we can’t have lived without having experienced something that shaped us. Thank you for addressing how to move past that.
Thank, you, Lisette. I think it’s true that this advice applies to anyone with a history of trauma. We all find ways to integrate it into our lives, and create pathways of understanding for ourselves and others. Even as a survivor myself, I never assume to know what it is like to be anyone else.
Fine advice article. So many of the turns in it follow thought itself and experince. It takes courage to articulate these ideas; many women stay mum about what has happened in their pasts for fear that their futures and present lives will be robbed of joy and pleasure and belonging and family if they are known to be victims. I tried to train a man I knew away from bringing up women’s rapes from the past. He led with his memory that a black woman we knew had been sexually violated twenty years in the past, perhaps by a white… Read more »
I was sexually assaulted on July 4th last year. Although he did not rape me (somehow, I managed to stop him before it happened), I have had a really hard time even trusting men since. I have never dated anybody before and I am not sure that I am ready to start doing so. I’m constantly afraid that I am damaged goods, and that is why nobody wants to date me. But I’ve been working really hard on rebuilding my confidence levels and developing positive self-talk. I feel so much stronger and happier now, and my assailant actually no longer… Read more »
You are so NOT damaged goods. You are already brave and resilient, and I hope your dating journey is rewarding, fun, and results in someone who deserves to be with you!
Great article! I was assaulted 7 years ago and it still has a huge effect on my dating life. I avoided dating all together for almost 5 years because I felt like damaged goods. It’s hard to open up to a new potential partner, I don’t want to scare them away but I don’t want to hide such a huge part of my life. I get really awkward around the 3rd or 4th date trying to avoid the physical relationship until I’ve shared my past with them. I feel like I should put a link to this article on my… Read more »
I know a few women who are survivors of sexual assault, and all of them ended up confiding their stories to me. I don’t remember how well I did comforting them about it, although I didn’t reveal it to anyone else.
So hopefully I didn’t make anything worse for them, and thanks for sharing.
I’m sure you did great, Glides! Just the fact that they are sharing their stories with you in the first place is a sign that you are a willing and empathic listener.
My pleasure, Gint and Stromdal. Talking about sexual violence doesn’t have to be awkward and scary. Hopefully this will help others navigate these waters more easily. And yes, Marc, you did keep asking questions and if you put your foot in your mouth, you were smart enough to take it back out!
Thank you for sharing, Sarah.
Thanks for your wisdom and courage, Sarah.
As the husband of this amazing woman, I was grateful and honored when she first shared her story with me. I’m also thankful that she has so patience, because. I’m sure I made some of these mistaks she listed. Even now, I still ask questions and learn more on my own.
“Stunned open-mouthed silence” is what I got when I was asked what the “kinkiest” thing that ever happened to me (by my then BF, now hubby)…. I agree, you have to pick carefully who and what you are about to tell…when I started doing karate, the GF of one of my sparring partners told me a story about how she was raped in her college dorm room when she was sick by an acquaintance of her roommate….I was surprised that she was able to open up to me like that (I barely knew her at the time)….but I was grateful,… Read more »
Leia, the tell or not-to-tell question is always a dilemma! Because of my work, my story is relatively public, but there’s also the degree to which I share details vs. the headline. I am so glad that the stunned open-mouthed silence turned into a healthy and happy relationship! ~Sarah