Seriously, what do you do if your schedules just don’t match up?
This is the first installment of a new column that will run every Wednesday and Friday. Readers will ask questions, and Eli and Josie will provide the answers, giving the perspective of both the sexes. If you’ve got a question you want answered, ask it here.
Dear Sexes: My boyfriend and I used to have sex once a day…. Possibly even more than once a day. And if not, at LEAST every other day. A year or so has past, we live together now, and maybe have sex once or twice a week. And quite frankly, I’m tired of it!!! I fall asleep early, he stays up late, i wake up early, he sleeps in, we get home from work and are tired…. It’s just not working as easily as it used to. We are still crazy about each other…. But the sex is much needed! Help!
She Said: Well, this proves the stereotype that women don’t need or crave sex like men do is just complete bunk. But I think we approach sexuality from different angles.
Regardless of gender, it doesn’t really matter if you’re doing it once a week or once a quarter. If you’re not satisfied, your relationship is going to suffer. I assume you’ve talked to your guy about this, but if you haven’t, DO. Just make sure you approach it with a focus upon what he’s doing or done right, not what’s going wrong. Try this:
“I can’t stop thinking about the other day when we ________, I get so turned on when I think about it. I’d love to find a way to connect like that more, even though we’re so busy.”
Don’t do this: “Why don’t you ever want to have sex with me anymore?” or this, “Do I not turn you on?” or “You love your work more than me.” No, NO and NO! Those three lines right there are Boner Killers.
When it comes to anything, even sex, it’s all about taking initiative. Make a plan. Decide to surprise him in the morning. Then be sure to follow through, no matter how tired you are. This may seem unromantic, but let’s be honest – you’re not going to spend the next sixty years of your life recreating the sex scene from The Notebook, pressed against various different walls throughout the house. It’s an amazing scene because it’s just so rare to be spontaneous and that ravenous with passion.
Good news is, there has never been a guy in the history of manhood who didn’t like being woken up for sex. Don’t ask, just do it. Trust me, he’ll be able to get back to sleep after, and you can go about your day feeling satisfied.
Also, us girls really start the process of getting turned on in our minds not our bodies. So start creating fantasies about how you’d like to feel. You’re tired when you come home from work, I get that, but spend the drive home thinking of all the things you want to do with him! Get creative in your mind, imagine what he’ll say, how he’ll grab you, where you’ll be (kitchen counter, anyone?). Think about the details. By the time you get home, you won’t be tired.
Same goes for if he gets home after you; think deeply about what you will do to him when he walks in the door. I don’t care how tired he is when he arrives, if he’s greeted by you, barely buttoned and biting your lip, things are going to happen! After a few days of this, you’ll get turned on merely by the sound of his car in the driveway.
If, after this, things aren’t up to your speed, write us back… The guy who truly doesn’t want to have sex with his girl is a whole other can of worms.
He Said: Do you have a date book? I am sorry to say, it’s time to start scheduling your sex life. If you and your boyfriend are around each other more, and still having sex less, you’re headed in the wrong direction. Don’t lose sleep over it, it happens.
But you do need to do something to break the cycle. Have you tried talking about it? If you’ve already discussed it (and chances are you both want more sex), then the secret’s already out. Swallow your pride, and start scheduling your sex. You just need a little kickstart, to remind you how much you both want and need it!! Once you’re back in the swing of things, just keep riding that… momentum.
Besides spending more time exercising in the bedroom, is there any chance this is also about you and your boyfriend needing to spend more time exercising in the gym together? Sorry, but I’m a guy. I’m overly focused on the physical and the aesthetic. Get fit, get talking, get sexing! And that goes for both of you!!
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.