Seriously, what do you do if your schedules just don’t match up?
This is the first installment of a new column that will run every Wednesday and Friday. Readers will ask questions, and Eli and Josie will provide the answers, giving the perspective of both the sexes. If you’ve got a question you want answered, ask it here.
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Dear Sexes: My boyfriend and I used to have sex once a day…. Possibly even more than once a day. And if not, at LEAST every other day. A year or so has past, we live together now, and maybe have sex once or twice a week. And quite frankly, I’m tired of it!!! I fall asleep early, he stays up late, i wake up early, he sleeps in, we get home from work and are tired…. It’s just not working as easily as it used to. We are still crazy about each other…. But the sex is much needed! Help!
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She Said: Well, this proves the stereotype that women don’t need or crave sex like men do is just complete bunk. But I think we approach sexuality from different angles.
Regardless of gender, it doesn’t really matter if you’re doing it once a week or once a quarter. If you’re not satisfied, your relationship is going to suffer. I assume you’ve talked to your guy about this, but if you haven’t, DO. Just make sure you approach it with a focus upon what he’s doing or done right, not what’s going wrong. Try this:
“I can’t stop thinking about the other day when we ________, I get so turned on when I think about it. I’d love to find a way to connect like that more, even though we’re so busy.”
Don’t do this: “Why don’t you ever want to have sex with me anymore?” or this, “Do I not turn you on?” or “You love your work more than me.” No, NO and NO! Those three lines right there are Boner Killers.
When it comes to anything, even sex, it’s all about taking initiative. Make a plan. Decide to surprise him in the morning. Then be sure to follow through, no matter how tired you are. This may seem unromantic, but let’s be honest – you’re not going to spend the next sixty years of your life recreating the sex scene from The Notebook, pressed against various different walls throughout the house. It’s an amazing scene because it’s just so rare to be spontaneous and that ravenous with passion.
Good news is, there has never been a guy in the history of manhood who didn’t like being woken up for sex. Don’t ask, just do it. Trust me, he’ll be able to get back to sleep after, and you can go about your day feeling satisfied.
Also, us girls really start the process of getting turned on in our minds not our bodies. So start creating fantasies about how you’d like to feel. You’re tired when you come home from work, I get that, but spend the drive home thinking of all the things you want to do with him! Get creative in your mind, imagine what he’ll say, how he’ll grab you, where you’ll be (kitchen counter, anyone?). Think about the details. By the time you get home, you won’t be tired.
Same goes for if he gets home after you; think deeply about what you will do to him when he walks in the door. I don’t care how tired he is when he arrives, if he’s greeted by you, barely buttoned and biting your lip, things are going to happen! After a few days of this, you’ll get turned on merely by the sound of his car in the driveway.
If, after this, things aren’t up to your speed, write us back… The guy who truly doesn’t want to have sex with his girl is a whole other can of worms.
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He Said: Do you have a date book? I am sorry to say, it’s time to start scheduling your sex life. If you and your boyfriend are around each other more, and still having sex less, you’re headed in the wrong direction. Don’t lose sleep over it, it happens.
But you do need to do something to break the cycle. Have you tried talking about it? If you’ve already discussed it (and chances are you both want more sex), then the secret’s already out. Swallow your pride, and start scheduling your sex. You just need a little kickstart, to remind you how much you both want and need it!! Once you’re back in the swing of things, just keep riding that… momentum.
Besides spending more time exercising in the bedroom, is there any chance this is also about you and your boyfriend needing to spend more time exercising in the gym together? Sorry, but I’m a guy. I’m overly focused on the physical and the aesthetic. Get fit, get talking, get sexing! And that goes for both of you!!
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo Generationbass.com/Flickr
About She Said He Said
That is patently not true as I am at least one exception of this. I lost my virgnity to a woman I met at a friends party who decided that starting to fuck me while I was asleep without asking me first was a-ok. Ever since that happened being woken up by my partner having sex with me would be immensly triggering.
This would rightfully never be suggested as a solution to a man who experienced that his wife have a lower libido than him (Don’t ask, just wake her up with sex) – please extend men the same courtesy and safety and ask in advance if such a thing would be ok (Is it ok if I woke you up with a <sex act> one morning?).
(This comment was written after I counted to ten – otherwise it would’ve been a markedly different comment)
I think there is a big difference between waking some up WITH a sex act and waking them up FOR a sex act … I think in the second scenario, you gently encourage the other person to wake up (presumably at a normal time in the morning, not 3 am), with snuggling and little kisses and whatnot. Not grabbing genitals and going at it. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I agree… two totally different scenarios there. Grammar is important for a reason!
Wow, no…I’d never do anything like sleep-sexing without consent. Bad. Bad. Bad.
Male-female, female-male, either side has the right to be asked prior, and the right to consider it assaultative if consent wasn’t given.
In those little conversations that take place early in a relationship, bring it up if it’s something you want ot try. “Honey, are you ok with me waking you up sometime with a little sleep-sexing now and then?” That’s realy not hard to say. I was asked for my prior consent on the same thing..and having given it, was not at all alarmed when it did happen. Very enjoyable, in fact.
Well, talking about it is the first thing she says to do.
She specifies talking about the problem. She goes on to say “Don’t ask, just do”, on the morning sexing…not consensual, and as we’ve seen by Tamen’s example, can go very, very wrong.
It’s also illegal in my country even if you have consent before the person fell asleep. Once a person is unconscious, even if it’s your wife or husband, no consent can be inferred and you are committing a crime.
So says the law.
Thanks for counting to ten. And thanks, even more, for sharing your perspective. It is an important perspective that is not often given a voice.
“Good news is, there has never been a guy in the history of manhood who didn’t like being woken up for sex. Don’t ask, just do it. ”
This is gender essentialist bullshit. And given the cultural assumptions around men and sex, under which men have no real right of refusal and thus no actual consent, this is basically telling her to rape him. So Josie is basically a rape apologist.These are exactly the charges they went after Julian Assange on.
Wow, as I said in my previous comment, I don’t think anyone is suggesting rape. How about this, do you like it when your wife/girlfriend sits down next to you, holds your hand, snuggles up to you on the couch and nibbles your ear? Or would you prefer it if she asks your permission first before she even touches you? If it is the latter, you are certainly entitled to that, and in that case you should say to her, “Honey, never ever touch me unless you ask me first if I want to be touched. I do not want you to hug me, kiss me, or flirt with me unless I have given express consent. Do not assume I want to have sex with you. I may want to have sex with you at certain times, but do not assume that I always find you attractive. Sometimes I don’t find you attractive.” That’s fair. Though don’t be surprised if she never touches you again.
When you say ‘Don’t ask, Just do it’ you have to be referring to a sexual act. Otherwise it doesn’t make sense.
You’re asking permission of a sleeping person to wake them up? I don’t think so.
She says, “woken up for sex.” That makes perfect sense to me. She doesn’t say “woken up by performing a sexual act.” personally I think she’s wrong to assume that everyone likes being woken up, for sex or any other reason, but she’s hardly advocating rape. Seriously.
That interpretation does not make sense.
What would she say ‘don’t ask, just do it’ if she’s referring to waking a man up for sex? What would you be asking?
‘Honey, do you mind if I wake you up for sex?’
She’s saying that women shouldn’t ask men for permission to wake them up to ask for sex? It makes no sense. How do you ask someone permission to wake them up?
Maybe in a discussion at another time. “Honey, if I ever wake up horny, do you mind if I wake you up?”
Maybe you should ask the author what she meant. At best, it is poorly worded. You really think she’s advocating sexual assault? I dunno, maybe she is. But I doubt it.
Just a quick clarification: This particular answer was aimed directly at the questioner who is in a long-term relationship and lives with her boyfriend. Eli and I assume that she knows his history and particular sensitivities and hope she uses her best judgment when deciding whether to wake him up or not. If that wasn’t clear, I apologize. Tamen, I’m so sorry that your introduction to sexuality happened that way.
As Jill said, I was thinking more along the lines of a sexy kiss to the earlobe, not a hand on the Johnson. Though my particular guy would prefer the hand-to-Johnson method of waking, every guy is different. The mass generalization is meant as a half-joke, as there is obviously no way to generalize anything to “every man in the history of manhood” (or whatever I said).
Our advice is intended as friend-to-friend type of playful banter as opposed to hard-core scientific facts.
Josie
PS When I say “hand-to-Johnson” I hope it’s clear that I mean penis, not Lyndon B. Johnson. Just so we’re all on the same page.
SSHS:
That’s a dangerous assumption to make. Given the stigma surrounding male victims (and the sadly common belief that women can’t rape men or that men victimized by men are somehow gay) there is a distinct possibility that a male partner wouldn’t disclose any such thing after only “a year or so”.
It was your “Don’t ask, just do it” imperative which were triggering given how common the trope that men always are up for sex (to the extent that you say that the generalization “never been a guy in the history of manhood who didn’t like being woken up for sex.” were meant as a half-joke).
In the comment section of Hugo Schwyzer’s article “Are You Gay or Something? Why It’s So Much Harder When She Wants It More” on this site a male commenters laments the lack of real advice for men in the situation where the woman has the lower libido.
Would you give the same advice to him as you did to the woman in this article? Would you say “wake her up for sex. Don’t ask, just do it.”? Had I been irresponsible I would’ve dared you to do so, but please don’t – I don’t want him either to take you up on your advice. Just ask yourself if you would.
If you wouldn’t please think honestly through why you’d treat that differently and make some effort to consider whether those reasons really are valid.
If you would I will only add that I think that is shitty advice either way (whether it’s to be considered banter or not) and in particular so when combined with a “Don’t ask, just do it” imperative.
Ah crap. Now I can’t get LBJ out of my head. Thanks a lot!
Ha!
“I don’t care how tired he is when he arrives, if he’s greeted by you, barely buttoned and biting your lip, things are going to happen! After a few days of this, you’ll get turned on merely by the sound of his car in the driveway.”
For some guys, twice a week is enough. Sex is often physically tiring (which means you won’t seek it if you’re already too tired), and plain arousal doesn’t override ‘not being up for it’ for a variety of reasons, including not feeling too good (believe me, you don’t want sex with someone who could possibly vomit in the next 2 minutes – because not only WILL they vomit then, but it will probably be on you).
Oh and some guys have different attractions than “naked female body”, even if they are heterosexual. Meaning that while yes, they’ll have sex with her, it won’t be due to attraction of her naked form, but due to something else. Some guys like pantyhose, or form-fitting jeans, or pencil skirts etc, which are more “buttoned” than what is proposed. Not sure what “biting your lip” amounts to, but there is more overt flirting than only suggesting that, maybe you want to do stuff…with a boyfriend, you can get physically close and start kissing, and judge by his reaction how up he is for it (also: erections don’t mean consent).
I read this with great interest, since my wife and I have been going through the same issues recently. I think it’s good advice, on the whole. It’s not fair that one person has to take the initiative more than the other, it’s not fair that it has to be scheduled and can’t always be spontaneous, it may never be like the movies ever again. Those things are hard to get through, and there are times when it feels like too much.
Like anything else, though, if you really want something that you’ve been missing then you will reinvest time and energy to make it happen. Something else has to give, something else has to fall down the list of priorities. You can’t have it all.
Last but not least, don’t make ANY assumptions about what the other person is experiencing. It probably seems inconceivable that your boyfriend hasn’t noticed the drop-off in sex, but he could actually be totally oblivious to what you think is totally obvious. Never assume that what you see as obvious is what they see as obvious, even about sex. You have to bring it up, as awkward or depressing as it may feel beforehand. He may actually be thinking, “why doesn’t she make time to have sex with me anymore? What’s up with her?”
Loved the answers from these two!
There’s a really nice sense of candor and caring from them.
Please keep the answers from them coming!
Thanks
as males, we constantly get lectures on what pigs we are. How we are walking hard-ons that constantly want sex. How if a woman has 2.14 drinks but consents, it is really RAPE, because you know we have built in alcohol detectors and could tell her alcohol blood content level at the precise moment….
Then we have to get talked down to like this?
“Good news is, there has never been a guy in the history of manhood who didn’t like being woken up for sex. Don’t ask, just do it. Trust me, he’ll be able to get back to sleep after, and you can go about your day feeling satisfied.”
Alright, if a woman asks her boyfriend/husband, and says I’d like to give you a surprise one of these days, it’ll start with me waking you up and then we’ll have sex. I’m not gonna go into the details, ‘cuz I want to surprise you. Fair, enough if the guys says it is something he would like, but she should BACK OFF if he feels weird about it.
I am sick of the onus of consent always being on males, then females having a HUGE sense of sexual entitlement….
Don’t believe me on that, read this…
http://stonerwithaboner.wordpress.com/2011/09/15/lick-that-kitty-you-misogynistic-douchebag/
Hey Stonerwithaboner, I gotta admit that I dig your blog. I think we probably disagree on some things, but I’m amped that GMP has given me the opportunity to hear all of the reader comments above. I’m learning a lot from all of you. Open dialogue is the best way for all of us to grow.
(Josie)
Josie,
Glad you like the blog!
Thanks for encouraging open dialogue, Josie, and for taking time to hear other perspectives. This makes your column even more enjoyable than ever.
Well this seems to be one big can of worms. Perhaps the fact that the questioner is not getting enough lovin’ has to do with larger issues in the relationship than just timing. We make time for the things that we value as important. So often we over-value sex and under-value connection. Perhaps if there was more time for connection, sex would be easier to get to.
Seriously. People obsess over their sex lives too much because what was once a regular thing has now become an irregular thing and people suddenly think there is a problem. It happens. It’s called life. Once you stop stressing about it, things aren’t so difficult.
“People obsess over their sex lives too much because what was once a regular thing has now become an irregular thing and people suddenly think there is a problem. It happens. It’s called life. Once you stop stressing about it, things aren’t so difficult.”
Funny how it’s usually the lower libido person who says “that’s just life, don’t obsess about it.” Easier to say for the lower libido person, who is getting all the sex he/she wants, harder to accept by the person who isn’t getting all the sex he/she wants. With that logic, one could just as easily say, “I’m just not feeling very monogamous lately. That’s life. Don’t worry about it. Sometimes you have to lower your expectations.” If I just have to accept changes in my partner’s sexual patterns, then everyone has to.
Maybe I’m just naive and immature, but I think *resignation* is a poor foundation for a good sex life.
Good points, That Guy.
“Good news is, there has never been a guy in the history of manhood who didn’t like being woken up for sex. Don’t ask, just do it.”
I once broke up with a girl for exactly this. When a man takes sex without asking it’s called rape. What is being condoned here is rape.