Carrie Cariello, whose boy Jack has autism, has answers … to the questions every parent with a child like hers asks.
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Last week I was surfing the Internet and came across a headline proclaiming autism and circumcision are linked. I couldn’t help myself. I laughed out loud.
In no certain order, I have read the following explanations for autism over the years:
Autism is caused by mercury.
Autism is caused by lead.
Autism begins with poor maternal bonding.
I was exhausted, and Joe and I were fighting constantly; bickering and arguing and long screaming matches. For the first time, I could feel my marriage slipping away from me like sand through my fingers.
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Certain pesticides may trigger autism.
Plastics.
Gluten aggravates autism spectrum disorder.
People with autism should eat more strawberries.
Too much automotive exhaust is a leading cause of autism.
Chemicals found on non-stick cookware may trigger autism.
The one about maternal bonding is sort of painful for me. The truth is, I did have a hard time bonding with infant Jack. The little guy shrieked and whined and cried for a solid year. He started sleeping through the night at six weeks, and stopped at three months.
I was exhausted, and Joe and I were fighting constantly; bickering and arguing and long screaming matches. For the first time, I could feel my marriage slipping away from me like sand through my fingers.
And my first child, Joey—sweet, uncomplicated, good-natured Joey—was a year old at the time. His easy nature only highlighted his new brother’s fussiness.
But I am certain there is no one on earth more bonded to this boy now, and guess what? He still has autism.
I am happy to announce that I do know what caused Jack’s autism, and without further ado, I’d like to tell you.
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I am happy to announce that I do know what caused Jack’s autism, and without further ado, I’d like to tell you.
Wait for it.
It’s kind of a big deal.
Drum roll, please.
Jack has autism because, as his 5-year old brother Henry says, he was bornd-ed with it.
Yes, I believe autism is a genetic condition. I believe that somehow Joe’s DNA mixed up with my DNA and together we had a child who thinks Wednesday is orange. Perhaps his unique genetic coding makes him more sensitive to things in our environment like lead and mercury and plastic.
I don’t know about the strawberry thing though.
For years I blamed Joe’s side of the family for the autism gene. But a few years ago I went to a funeral for someone on my side of the family, and I looked around the room and was all likehmmmmm.
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(For years I blamed Joe’s side of the family for the autism gene. But a few years ago I went to a funeral for someone on my side of the family, and I looked around the room and was all like hmmmmm.)
I was in a coffee shop last week and a woman came up and introduced herself to me. She said her daughter, Lily, is in Jack’s fifth grade class. I nodded and smiled, took my cup of coffee—ok, ok, and my cupcake—from the counter and turned to leave.
“Wait,” she touched my arm. “I just wanted to tell you something. Lily told me that a boy called Jack weird the other day in class.”
I cringed. “Oh, well, yes. That happens.”
“Lily said she told the boy that Jack isn’t weird. She told him he’s exactly the way he’s supposed to be.”
If I start running around declaring autism an epidemic and screeching about how we need to find out where it’s coming from and who started it and how to cure it, well, that sort of contradicts the whole message of acceptance and tolerance and open-mindedness.
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You can see my dilemma. If I start running around declaring autism an epidemic and screeching about how we need to find out where it’s coming from and who started it and how to cure it, well, that sort of contradicts the whole message of acceptance and tolerance and open-mindedness.
This fragile glass house we’ve been working so hard to build over the past decade will explode into a thousand tiny pieces.
But on the other hand, it sort of is an epidemic. Other families are going to have babies and maybe they would like to have some idea of how to prevent this tricky spectrum disorder from striking. My own children will have their children, and if autism is indeed caused by automotive exhaust, it would be good to know so we could all buy electric cars.
At the same time, I don’t want to focus so much on the what and when and where and how that I forget about the who.
Because I don’t care where it came from.
But I am kind of curious.
If autism is indeed caused by automotive exhaust, it would be good to know so we could all buy electric cars.
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It doesn’t matter to me why Jack has autism.
But it might be good information to have.
There’s nothing wrong with him.
Maybe there’s a little something wrong with him because he just spent the last forty-five minutes talking about all the different kinds of gum that Wal-Mart sells.
I wouldn’t change a thing.
I might change a few things.
I celebrate autism and all of its spectacular wonder.
I hate autism because it makes my son talk about gum and Wal-Mart so much.
He is broken.
He is whole.
Autism is no one’s fault.
Maybe I should stop using Tupperware and make him eat strawberries even though he hates them and re-paint the house to make sure there is no lead on the walls or the windowsills.
Maybe I should throw away our frying pan.
Maybe I should have loved him harder, deeper, more when he was a tiny swaddled baby squirming in my arms.
Maybe this is my fault.
As you can see, my feelings about Jack’s autism diagnosis are as complicated as a prism with a thousand colors and angles and light. Some days, my doubts are soft whispers within my heart, other times it’s as though someone is shouting in my ear.
I am not a scientist. I am not smart enough for that. But I am a mother. And although I am not really smart enough for that either, I do know autism from that angle.
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I am not a scientist. I am not smart enough for that. But I am a mother. And although I am not really smart enough for that either, I do know autism from that angle. I know the rigidity and the obsessiveness and the rage over having an aide in school. I know the disappointment and the fear. I know the quiet longing that comes with being different or weird, because I see it every single day.
When you live with someone who has autism, you say the phrase for now a lot.
For now, the radio is on the right station.
For now, he’s not screaming.
For now, he’s sleeping.
For now, he’s safe.
So, for now, I’m going to believe Jack’s autism is because of DNA and RNA and heredity.
For now, I will try to add broad splashes of green and blue and purple and orange to science’s black and white brush strokes. Together, we will fill in autism’s canvas until a clearer picture comes forward.
I don’t know exactly what that picture looks like yet, but I like to imagine it is a utopia of sorts; the perfect intersection of science and people. There are strawberries and puppies and lots of peppermint gum in Wal-Mart, the kind in the blue container.
There are tall, blonde girls named Lily and boys with glasses named Jack.
And if you look hard enough, you can see a glass house in the distance—almost on the horizon. It glints and sparkles in the sunlight, and it is breathtaking.
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And if you look hard enough, you can see a glass house in the distance—almost on the horizon. It glints and sparkles in the sunlight, and it is breathtaking.
If you look closer, you will see a sentence etched into the front door. This one sentence—this collection of eight words—well, they are very, very big.
They are a shored wall against a flood of uncertainty.
They are a million bright stars in an otherwise long, dark night.
They are peace and forgiveness, power and pride. They are everlasting absolution.
The first time I heard them, I was in a coffee shop buying a cupcake.
“He’s exactly the way he’s supposed to be.”
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Originally published on carriecariello.com.
Also appeared on The Huffington Post.
Photo of baby Jack courtesy of author
Thank you so much … our son has autism. I wouldn’t change a thing about him, we love him and the quirkiness that makes him who he is. The only thing I would want for him to have the confidence to glide through life dancing to the beat of his own drum without being alienated for being out of tune with the universal band.
Actually there does appear to be a link between circumcision and increased risk of autism. http://jrs.sagepub.com/content/early/2015/01/07/0141076814565942.full.pdf
Well, the only definitive way to prevent Autism is to prevent Autistic people, hence the prenatal test being developed by Autism $peaks. Having said that, however, I’ve seen a graph that links increased consumption of organic food to the rise in rates of Autism diagnoses, and studying the rates of both Autism diagnoses and water fluoridation shows a correlation between increased fluoride provision and fewer diagnoses. 😉
Not to worry. Jenny McCarthy, already an expert on vaccinations, claims she can cure childhood autism.
So, all sicknesses cause by genetic? So we are safe by put the blames for the cause of all sicknesses toward our parents and parents of parents? They have managed to mess them all up, they are the foolish one, and not by anyone among us or ourselves? So, we have done nothing wrong that would cause our own sickness? So, are we the perfect one? And so, we are also have learned, master, and perfected the skill of blaming, passing the buck, and cover our budd for all our mishab and misbehavior? Altc
Interesting… I grew up in highschool with an autistic friend. I don’t know how quite to put it, but he wasn’t too heavy on the spectrum to warrant special classes, but he was still quite the special individual. It was weird at times as my group of friends used drugs, mostly cannabis, but something felt off when we’d take psychedelics with him. Something about taking LSD with an autistic person seemed off. He’d have problems socially, generally being awkward in anything more than our small group, yet even though I could see it bothered him, he ended up moving away… Read more »
Also, friend happened to love strawberries.
Are genes DIRECTLY responsible or gut dysbiosis, heavy metal toxicity, and food intolerance? These are common issues that autistic children deal with. Genetics play a part in susceptibility. Exposures are the trigger. Epigenetics.
There has not been one specific gene that has been linked to autism, yet there are several genetic variants that are common among autistic people. These are not genes that simply cause the brain to function abnormally, these are genes that predispose then to not adequately respond to abnormal exposures.
Thank you Carrie for the article! My son is in the Asperger’s spectrum, and we have friends who have children with autism. They are the most honest and wonderful kids I know! As Eckhart Tolle says, he is a mutant, his way of living is shifting the world to a more conscious one. I feel the same about kids who are labelled autistic or Aspergers. Certainly a challenge to my own belief system of what is “normal” and they helped me shift my way of being to a more connected and creative way of living just being around these awesome… Read more »
The problem I have with this article is that the author claims she doesn’t care WHY or HOW her son developed autism. However, from the article it is clear to see that her son is a higher functioning autistic. I work with special needs children day in and day out. I can assure you it DOES matter why and how these children are getting this diagnosis. We need to find answers and we need to stop this from happening. It isn’t a matter of this is just how they “are supposed to be”. That type of cute moment does nothing… Read more »
EXACTLY!
Actually I completely disagree with you. Autism doesn’t mean something is WRONG with the child it simply means that the child is presenting with a higher level of or more “characteristics” of the spectrum. EVERYBODY is on the spectrum somewhere – most of us are on the very low end. Are you a perfectionist? Do you get annoyed when your routine is interrupted? Do you like cheese on top of your spaghetti or on top of the spaghetti sauce? Do you loathe certain songs? Do you prefer certain colours? Do you hate the sound of fingernails on a blackboard? It… Read more »
Thank you for writing this, Carrie Cariello. I want to take those eight words and stamp them on every surface in my home so I never forget them. I want to paint them on a poster and wave it at every teacher, psychologist, psychometrist, doctor, therapist, parent, and child my son will ever come in contact with. And I want to wave it at the horrible voices in my head that torment me until I feel sick, insisting that my son is broken and it’s somehow MY FAULT. That dialogue in the middle of your piece? That’s the inside of… Read more »
In a recent study, wasn’t there an actual correlation between autism and Monsanto food products?
As more of the pesticide (very specific pesticide) was in use, the more cases of autism.
To doc. Yes stats would lead you to conclude that high birth populations should show more. However that assumes all things, people, being equal, and we know that’s not true. Blacks have a higher rate of sickle cell anemia. So why not Chinese or Indian folk? White folk may have a marker for autism more than anyone else we just don’t know why. I don’t believe one food or pesticide or whatever is a direct correlation. Maybe a few cases but then why wouldn’t everyone in the same area have astronomical rates of autism if tied directly to that? And… Read more »
Well yes, there are more factors to the problem than just a single chemical, though one does play a big part. It’s a complicated set of feedback loops involving both the parents and the child, and the environment/culture in which they live. At the moment it seems to be a runaway process with no end in sight, each generation produces bigger problems for the next. It’s not purely genetic, though there are genetic factors, it is congenital though its subject to environmental influences after birth. Sometimes we come out geniuses, sometimes we come out disabled, sometimes we start out quite… Read more »
Sorry, but the genetics theory doesn’t explain why the United States is the epicenter for this disease. Why not China, India, Indonesia? From a purely mathematical perspective these countries should be the leaders.
Ability to diagnose.
Agreed with Mark Carrie, transparent, honest and beautifully constructed lament. I share this too as my son suffers from encephalopathy brought on by his 6 month old DTP vaccine. He was sick for 3 weeks, his face swelled and turned red, and he cried solid for 3 weeks. He suffered terribly. After it eased off, our formerly ‘look you in the eye and imitate your speech’ smiling baby – no longer looked at us, nor communicated. He just lay there staring at things. 8( We were told that it was just a rare reaction and that he would be fine.… Read more »
I agree with you. Thank you for posting this. You were more diplomatic to this woman than I would have been.
Great article Carrie and brutallt humanly honest. Love that about the article, not just maple syrup on a jelly donut. Autism is hard for everyone concerned. Henry and lily are smart. They both know the truth. It is borned-ed it. I believe it is a miswire in neurolgical function where the individual is so over the top stimulated that it forces itself to focus on gum at Walmart just to have some form of quiet. I think that’s why many kids watch that damn barney over and over just to get some rest from the inside world. Kills us of… Read more »