Lynn Beisner’s husband fearlessly carries her purse, helps her daughter shop for prom dresses and enjoys being the passenger in his wife’s car.
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So yesterday we were in the pharmacy and my hands were full and my husband is carrying my bag. We got a bit separated, so it looked like Pete was just a guy with a purse. A red-neck made a snide comment, so Pete held it with model pose and began skipping…literally skipping. It was the least “manly” thing I have ever seen, and yet showed such security in who he is. Then as the guy made disgusted noises, Pete just stood there and laughed so hard he could barely stay upright. I am so in love with this man.
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Here are five other things that don’t fit the traditional model of masculinity, but that I love about my husband:
1) He shops for special occasion clothing for both my daughter and for me. We HATE to shop. I kid you not when I say that I would rather do calculus homework than shop with my daughter for a prom dress. The one time we picked out a dress together, we just picked the first thing in the first store that looked vaguely serviceable, and bought it without trying it on. Pete puts up with our whining, instinctively knows will look good on us, and wheedles us into trying on a handful of options.
The stereotype of a man sitting patiently by a dressing room is reversed in our family. I usually just go and sit by the changing room and answer email while he brings me things to try on. He is honest about how a dress or suit looks on my pear-shaped body. But somehow he makes unflattering looks the designer’s fault, and flattering looks about me.
2) He lets me drive. Most guys I know need to be behind the wheel. But whenever possible, he lets me drive. This isn’t because he is a bad driver. It is because I am a lousy passenger. I was in a very serious accident years ago, and have a few P.T.S.D. responses. They are subtle things, like screaming “We are all going to die!” But rather than trying to get me to change, he just takes the passenger seat. Believe me, when we lived in the rural South, this spoke volumes about our relationship and earned him a reputation for being “whipped”. I cared more than he did.
3.) He has the least manly laugh, but is utterly un-self-conscious about it. When something really tickles his funny bone, his entire face screws up and he loses himself in belly-jiggling giggles. No, they are not manly guffaws. They are remarkably high-pitched for a guy. But they are filled with so much joy and true good humor that I find them utterly endearing. They make me want to work incredibly hard at amusing him just so that I can hear and watch him laugh. I swear it is almost as satisfying as watching his O-face.
4.) He can be very patient and infinitely tender. I have no idea how he does it, but he can make cuddly, purring fluff-balls from scraggly ferrel kittens that are too old to be domesticated. His gentle touch and patient spirit is why my kids went to him with a splinter or a huge knot in their hair. He is the only person that I will let change my dressings after a surgery. He goes slowly, softly and yet persistently, communicating his intent before touching.
5.) He finds ways to make me feel nurtured during times when I need it. Two examples: One year when I was incredibly busy, I would go all day without eating. So, he started packing me a yummy and nutritious bag of bite-sized food so that I could grab a few bites when I had the chance. Second example: when I was working on an urban campus, I became overstimulated very easily. He bought me noise-canceling earbuds and loaded an iPod with my favorite happy songs. It was like walking through the noisiest, most visually stimulating environment protected by a bubble of his love.
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Get to know Lynn’s husband, Pete Beisner, better: read his fantastic post 23 Tips For Supporting a Partner With Chronic Pain
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photo courtesy of author
You’re as tactful as you need to be Lynn. Not one of us are mind readers, so tactfulness is in the words of the responder. Truth with sensitivity is the greatest gift. Personally, this whole manly man thing just about makes me want to hurl. It is mainly a media fabrication that somehow took root as truth. If you are that vision, or the Jessica Simpson of the female variety AND it’s because that’s who you really are, then more power to you. But if you look deep inside and see where it might really have been created for you… Read more »
Hi Lynn and thanks for your answer.
I assure you I tried my best not to use unkind words. The “less flattering” part was referring to the dress and not in any way to her or her body.
I am sure that you didn’t use unkind words. And I am sure that you went out of your way to be diplomatic. I really don’t understand some women. I will tell you this, though. There are times when I want reassurance, not analysis – like after I am completely ready and about to walk out the door. But I try to communicate that by saying something like, “I need reassurance. Tell me that I look at least good enough.” But not everyone is as straight forward as I am. My mother used to tell me that I am as… Read more »
I vividly remember a conversation I had with my then-girlfriend where she prompted me about a favourite piece of clothing of her’s. I said somethig less flattering (contrary to her sisters who had said she looked great in it), because it enhanced some higher-volume parts of her body that didn’t need enhancing, and diminished the rest. She took one look in the mirror, said “You’re absolutely right. I can’t use this anymore!” and threw it in the trash. Then whe didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day, and never again did she ask my opinion for her… Read more »
Holy Crap! See, I have a real problem with women who do that. I would much rather have an honest evaluation than kind flattery. I know that I have a few wobbly bits and highlighting them is not terribly helpful. When I say, “Does this make my ass look big?” I really want to know if this makes my ass look bigger than other outfits do. It isn’t necessary to use unkind words, but how will I know that I can trust you if you tell me everything looks good on me?
Terrific article, terrific husband (man)… and, of course, terrific wife (woman) who can appreciate him for what he is.
Kudos, bravo, applause! 😀
This made me smiling and joyful!
And to all the doubters or haters, I just say this: it’s about being yourself, being comfortable with who you are – even when you’re out of the stereotypes and gender roles.
It’s what I call the “I am what I am and that’s fine” state, whatever I do and regardless people like it or not.
Also, women think that “I am what I am and that’s fine” state is SUPER sexy. Even if what you are is a muscle-bound construction worker – or a skinny librarian. That whole, “This is me,” thing is hot.
(Obviously not ALL women like ALL things, but in general the confidence and strong identity thing is key)
That whole “this is me” thing is so totally hot.
Yeah, and it applied to women also. As a man, I also found women who don’t care with girly stereotype and confident, proud in what they really are very sexy. That’s why I’m very attracted to my theoretical physicist girlfriend. She doesn’t care about purse, fashion, makeup, and always very excited whenever she talk about quantum physics. I found her confident and rather arrogant attitude is very sexy. She doesn’t care others think shes weird because shes not into purse and shoes. Shes fine with her labs and physics book. Women often wrong think men only attracted to looks, in… Read more »
In 38 years I’ve seldom held my wife’s purse, barely count on two hands the number of times my wife drives me … the exceptions is when I’ve been too ill to drive myself. Most men can’t do much about their laughing style. Being patient is something learned in life but tender …. yeah, I have that down. Nurturing is natural for men but we may not do it in the same style as a women. Back to the shopping, I haven’t been to the mall in years. As a young married, that wasn’t the case but now, no thanks.… Read more »
Totally agree, Tom. I know tons of extremely “manly” types of guys who live each day with some very “progressive” values.
It’s obvious in what they say, what they do, and how they treat others.
They can do this wearing a flannel shirt with dirty fingernails and running a chain saw….all at the same time!
They don’t need a label. They don’t need a woman’s approval. They just live each day on their terms.
Here’s how I see it – sometimes men need to be celebrated, and sometimes one man needs to be celebrated. Society gives us SO many images of “manly men” being celebrated for being macho and tough and stoic. And yet in real life, most men I know are like Pete – in one way or another. Very stereotypically manly in some ways, and very outside the standard in others. This is why one woman loves this one man. It’s not prescriptive or telling other men that this is “the new masculinity” – it’s merely expanding our idea of what it… Read more »
I am a man and I will comment I believe this is wonderfull, I am not sure why someone thinks that being in a relationship has to be a challenge, IMHO, being in a relationship should be the easiest thing in the world, it normally isn’t but with all of lifes other challenges, work, kids etc my relationship with my wife is the easiest. Now having said that. Here is why I probably think this. I have two daughters, I took both of the shopping for their prom dresses, why, becuase as my oldest says “Dad will tell us what… Read more »
How do you guys do that? It is like Pete has a sixth sense for how a dress will hang on my body.
Learned from experience (looking, touching, hugging…), can it be that simple?
So he is a girl? And your slave of some sort? Or your girlfriend?
I don’t understand this: why do women don’t like men who are like men? Why do women want to turn men into something like a girl? This is disturbing. And if you don’t: why bother getting together with men in the first place?
All of this, these stories and those “Awwww, what a beautiful men you have. You’re soooo lucky.” comments by other women, leading me to get me more manly in the traditional sense.
Okay, do you want to hear about the conventionally masculine things that he does like change the oil in the car, fix the plumbing, roll his eyes in ecstasy at my meatloaf or play rough with the dog? Do you want to hear that he was horrified at the idea of “bend over boyfriend” or that he farts so badly I have threatened to super-glue his butt cheeks shut? I love him because of or in spite of all those things as well. You asked if I find him sexy, and I find that a fair question. Men tend to… Read more »
Sorry, it was another reader who asked if I find him sexy.
But I understand that you want to stay in a safe role. If it is working for you, who am I to judge?
But I would also ask that you not judge men like Pete who are tougher and more bad-ass in quiet ways than the most conventionally masculine men that I know.
Lynn, I think I am reacting to a sense of hostility toward more manly men in your article. You, as a self proclaimed feminist, seem to be attracted to men on the far end of the feminine scale. I do not mean to judge the husband. He is who he is, but it is not he who is writing articles about his behavior and posting them on a public forum. I am detecting a hidden agenda of holding your husband up as an example of how men should become in order to be appreciated by women. There is a lot… Read more »
Like what? What possible motivation could I have other than saying that sometimes non-traditional manifestations of masculinity are welcome. I am not gay, if that is what you are suggesting. Although that is not for lack of trying. I happen to love cock and the men attached to them. That would be a major failing if I were a nun, but as someone who loves her husband, what is wrong with saying so? Can’t a wife pay a compliment to her husband in public? Are people that accustomed to the negative that they suspect the positive? This is who my… Read more »
As for a reason for writing about relationships, we write about what we know. If you want to read about masculine guys behaving in masculine ways, I suggest reading “50 Shades of Gray” or a Tom Clancey novel or just about any non-chick-lit book. There are tons of them out there. I have agreed to write here and about my relationship because I believe that we need to provide examples of real long-term relationships that are surviving. When was the last time that you heard a couple that has been married for one and a had decades talk about their… Read more »
That is ridiculous. Lynn’s husband is traditionally manly in many ways. This article is about the ways he deviates from the stereotype.
The only hostility in this article is toward the redneck who wanted to shame her husband (an failed).
@Joanna Schroeder:
Lynn’s husband is traditionally manly in many ways.
It might interest you as an editor to know that not all people reading and commenting here have prior personal knowledge about the contributors and their spouses. 😉
(I.e. I mean, ridicolous as it may seem, we don’t know any more than what is written in the article)
Good point, FK. I think that is one of the dangers of friends writing for and being edited by friends. We don’t know what it is that the reader doesn’t know. So thanks for the reminder.
Thanks Lynn.
I actually missed the point at the end of the article referring to his post, so I didn’t even know he was a contributor here as well.
OK, I understand the androgynous stuff, but is he your girlfriend or your husband? How is this sexy to you? There is no challenge, no growth for you here. Find a girl friend and be content. I am not sure why you bother finding a man, particularly one with so little challenge for you. Where is the growth in this relationship? No Joanna, I do not want to see your man in a tank top and a skirt! Notice that no men, even gays, have commented to this post. This is really a bad proposition for all involved!
It’s sexy because instead of feeling a need to try and be a man a woman would want, he is simply the man that he is. At the end of the day, trying to be a manly man, a sensitive man, a nice man or any other sort of man in order to impress women ultimately betrays our neediness to women with the wisdom to see it. Real confidence is being able to be no more or less than who we really are and not need to pretend to be anything else just to be liked. Yes, if you do… Read more »
This is absolutely KEY for men to get. This is the core message I try to get men to understand. “Real confidence is being able to be no more or less than who we really are and not need to pretend to be anything else just to be liked.” Love it, Notavi! There are hundreds of ways to have this confidence and attractiveness with a woman. The author’s husband is just one of them. Live life on YOUR terms, not hers. Be who YOU want to be. Give a shit about her, but don’t give a shit about what she… Read more »
No, John, this is simply something that works for some and not others. I am interested in how you seem to have a picture of what is sexy and what is not, that you expect to be valid for someone you have never met. Why do you ask if her husband is a girlfriend or not? Does one automatically turn into another gender simply because your expectations of manliness were not met?
Reminds me of this one that I wrote about my “girlie” manly man. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-manliest-man-i-know-is-also-the-girliest/ That sense of security is incredibly comforting and sexy. I wish I knew how they “got” that. It seems like it is at the root of so many problems, this need to conform to what society tells us is “manly.”
” I wish I knew how they “got” that. It seems like it is at the root of so many problems, this need to conform to what society tells us is “manly.” “Getting that” starts with “really understanding and desiring that”. This is my work with men. It is a process, just like everything else guys become extremely good at and confident with. They MUST KNOW WHAT IT IS AND WANT IT. For some, the process requires professional counseling/therapy. For others, it is a matter of feeling enough pain and hunger in their current state to decide to CHOOSE to… Read more »
My husband is so much the same. He’s my favorite person in the universe. He looks super manly (extremely tall, angular, muscular, giant beard), but he’s the softie with the kids who is least likely to say, “Get up, shake it off!”
He cried in the kids’ movie Tangled, will (and has) rescued every type of animal that needs help – snails, dogs, baby birds…
He loves shoes and bags, LOVES shopping, loves helping me buy shoes, and is way more comfortable hanging with ladies and shooting the shit than drinking beer with the guys.
Oh and there’s this:
This artist asked us if we wanted to do a gender-swap photo series… He was TOTALLY into it and we had to walk through a busy part of Santa Monica in each others’ clothes. He was totally unfazed and I was really horrified (less about how we looked, more that I hate being looked at). You gotta see him in the skirt an tank top.
https://goodmenproject.com/arts/switcheroo-a-confrontational-gender-bending-experiment/
Hi. Having read a couple of articles like this one, I’ve been trying to figure something out. Do men who are “super manly” in some traits of their personality (looks, fit, work, money-making, whatever…) have a higher chance of pulling off being “unmanly” in other areas? I mean, a tall muscular bearded man with a purse (and high heels) is seen as attractive. But is it really because it is “himself”? Or do we just see the man with all these manly attributes acting “quirky”? While a shorter, less muscular and balding man with glasses, doing exactly the same thing,… Read more »
It’s possible that some of that is at play in society and in the attitudes of some. My husband seems more like an overgrown version of that geeky beanpole you knew in highschool(now with a belly) than a muscular bearded manly man and I feel the same way about him as this author does about her husband. The areas of himself that he feels comfortable enough to not care what people expect are beautiful to me.
OMG (as the kiddies say), your hubby sounds just like mine!!! Except for #2…he prefers to drive and I generally let him because he’s a terrible backseat driver, though to be fair he was once in a pretty serious wreck too.
What lucky women are we!!! 🙂