A Female Translation of “I Don’t Want Sex”

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About Jennifer Gunsaullus

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, compassionate feminist, and sex-positive video host and sex educator. She speaks on merging sexuality and mindfulness, and challenges people to think about sexuality outside the box. Join in on her conversations on YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, and the Den website at http://www.drjennsden.com.

Comments

  1. wellokaythen says:

    My experience earlier in my marriage, and the experience of many other men, is that my wife seemed to have a growing list of reasons for not having sex, or a growing list of prerequisites to be met before sex would be a possibility. Ultimately, my perception was that we reached a point where it was impossible to get all the stars aligned the right way. All I heard was a list of negatives, all the reasons why sex would not be possible, and I never heard anything positive about reasons TO have sex.

    The big problem was some miscommunication, and it was going in BOTH directions. I made up stories in my head about why she said no, and she made up stories in her head about how I felt about sex.

    In any event, it’s still best to ask your partner as directly as possible. Don’t depend too much on your own ability to translate what she’s saying. Even other women may not translate your partner accurately!

  2. Good piece Jennifer. I really enjoyed it.

    I am big on two things with my girlfriend: 1) Novelty and 2) getting her warmed up via non-sexual contact such as tightly holding her, massaging her, kissing her, cuddling with her…. It works!

  3. All completely solvable if people talk unless the woman doesn’t really know WHY she’s not in the mood. If that’s the case, the man is pretty much NOT screwed.

    Find a partner who doesn’t need all their planets aligned in order to want sex and you’ll be far happier. Find someone who finds it easier to get in the mood than make excuses for NOT getting in the mood.

  4. I have two excuses: 1) my privates hurt from the sex we recently had or 2) I’m sleeping. I’ve never felt any of the things listed, but then again, i use the name “Atypical” for a reason …

    • Megan Sailsbury says:

      2) Yeah, but can you think of a better way to wake up? :D

      • Technically this is rape. I wouldn’t mind waking up to a loving partner doing it but they’re still at risk of being charged for rape if I ever wanted to because unconscious people cannot consent.

        • Maybe, just maybe it’s rape when you come to next to the person with whom you passed out last night…
          If you’re in bed with someone who might call wake-up sex rape you probably shouldn’t be there in the first place..
          WTF- I must be crabby, this is the 2nd time this month Archy & I disagreed…

          • Do note that what I define as rape and what the law defines as rape are slightly different in this respect. If the person gives you “consent” the night before and says “You can wake me up with sex” or leaves this as an outgoing thing then I do not think it is rape, but the LAW does because unconscious people cannot consent. I’m not sure a prosecutor would try take it to court though, and in most cases the unconscious person waking up who said previously that wakeup sex is ok probably won’t feel raped nor press charges.

        • Megan Sailsbury says:

          Yeah… no. I don’t know what details you invented to make it rape, but please don’t call me a rapist just because you don’t know how wake-up sex works. It’s not a word to be used so casually.

          • Lookup the legal definition of rape, it fits the criteria. http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/10/920

            “(b) Sexual Assault.— Any person subject to this chapter who—
            (1) commits a sexual act upon another person by—
            (A) threatening or placing that other person in fear;
            (B) causing bodily harm to that other person;
            (C) making a fraudulent representation that the sexual act serves a professional purpose; or
            (D) inducing a belief by any artifice, pretense, or concealment that the person is another person;
            (2) commits a sexual act upon another person when the person knows or reasonably should know that the other person is asleep, unconscious, or otherwise unaware that the sexual act is occurring; or ”

            “(B) A sleeping, unconscious, or incompetent person cannot consent. A person cannot consent to force causing or likely to cause death or grievous bodily harm or to being rendered unconscious. A person cannot consent while under threat or in fear or under the circumstances described in subparagraph (C) or (D) of subsection (b)(1). ”

            The law states quite clearly that someone who is unconscious cannot consent. Now you can work it out between you and say you can wake me up with sex, but it’s still LEGALLY sexual assault (rape in some areas?). If that person changes their mind, goes to the police then you’re in a world of shit.

            • just a guess says:

              I’m guessing the statutes have a section definining what “sexual acts” are and their definition may differ from what other people consider sexual acts. Not that all laws make sense or are reasonable. Just saying, the section of the law you posted above can’t be interpreted without the legal definition of what constitutes a sexual act.

            • Megan Sailsbury says:

              Yeah, and where exactly did I say that it was ok to have sex with an unconscious person? Did you miss the “wake up” in wake up sex? You need to back the hell off.

  5. If you’re familiar with the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, you know we all have different ways of giving and receiving love. If you show your love in a way that doesn’t match with what makes your partner feel loved, she can be in deficit and question your attachment. This makes her less likely to give to you too. If you feel loved and connected through physical touch and sex but she doesn’t, have a conversation about what feels loving to her, whether household chores, quality talk time, thoughtful gifts, verbal affection or appreciation. Take small steps towards giving love in new ways so you’re both fulfilled.

    You know, if me doing all those things you just mentioned makes you feel unconnected and unattached, then why are those the only things you keep talking to me about?

    I pretty much agree with wellokaythen; Men are heavily critizised for not showing enough verbal and/or physical affection. But when we do, we are instead scolded for “only having one thing on our mind”.
    The reason sex doesn’t happen is simple, there’s just never a good enough reason to do it. Regardless of how much time and affection I put into it. Because you just keep making up things to do that are put up higher on the priotity list.

  6. I disagree with the article, many women just use sex as a power play, have suffered it. My first long term relationship only was “not in the mood” once in 8 years and even then a little bit of caressing changed her mood. My second relationship, for example, twice in a row would not be in the mood in romantic weekend trips for my birthdays, last two years together.
    If a woman does that to you guys, it will be tough, but better in the long run, just get rid of her, it’s not worth having your sex life for the rest of your life be at the complete mercy of someone else’s capricious moods.

  7. So we’ve been together for 5 months only but I’m noticing that my man favours the same routine, we do other positions but he goes back yogis old favourite often. He is spending less time preparing me lol
    N

  8. I will elaborate a lttle more (this will make less sense if my previous post remains stuck in moderation, but whatever ;-) )

    #1 So what can you do? Prime her pump! This means finding out specifically what makes her shut off her multi-tasking brain, and feel present in her body to receive pleasure through touch. What makes her feel safe and nurtured by you? Priming the pump could be a day-long process, so be up for the challenge. It gets easier the more you learn the nuances of this dance.

    If she does not desire you anymore, or if she has for any reason become accustomed to and comfortable with not being attracted to you, and/or responding negatively to any proposals from you, it is rather unlikely that she will even share this vital information with you.

    #2 Clearly orgasm is pleasurable, but there are so many aspects of sex that are pleasurable, like skin-to-skin contact, emotional closeness, playfulness, and giving pleasure.

    And this, of course, goes both ways.
    Some thing to consider whenever you delve too deep into the “you only want sex”-pattern.

    #3 Women crave novelty. One of the biggest complaints I hear from women in long-term relationships who are unhappy with their sex life is that it is predictable.

    And this too goes both ways, of course!
    And IME, the part of curbing and limiting any exploration usually falls heavily into the “gatekeeper” role in the relationship.

    #4 “Don’t touch me like that!”
    I hear what you say, but I can’t hear what you don’t say.

    • Megan Sailsbury says:

      Yeah, can we just delete that whole Gatekeeper meme from human consciousness? Like, RIGHT NOW? It does nobody any good.

      >sigh<

      • Hi Megan

        I agree. The more men use the word gatekeeper about women the more we see them as beggars hoping for a little something thrown to them when we have some left overs.

        • You two are so right. We should totally ignore and disregard something that happens in our lives because it offends your sensibilities.

          • I think Megan was saying we need to stop the gatekeeper issue in people, as in people shouldn’t “gatekeep”. Kim just sounds insensitive and ignorant.

            If you give out sex for a reward more than having it because you want to share in fun with your partner then you really shouldn’t be having sex (unless this is your career…)

            • Megan Sailsbury says:

              Yes, Archy. That’s precisely what I was saying.

              The whole idea that the basic dynamic is that the male whines and begs and goes crazy (assuming he doesn’t resort to violence) until the female grudgingly permits him to mount her, and more that this is how it SHOULD BE, is completely repulsive, not to mention an enormous insult to the entire species.

              I was NOT saying that men shouldn’t call women out when it happens, as KIM thought.

            • Megan

              I am misunderstood here, but it is not important.
              I thought men used the word ” gatekeeper ” when they see themselves as totally sexually powerless.
              And when you see yourself as a victim and without power, then you give others all the power over you, sexually and otherwise . Your chances for sex are small…….

              That women give out sex as favors sounds perverse and I have never known a women that abuse her own sexualry like that. In fact I think it is a myth or some men’s interpretation of why their sex life is unsatisfactory or up and down. Women are seen as gold diggers or prostitues in marriage.

              A woman that loves a man do not manipulate him by withholding sex and dishing it out in small potions when she gets gifts,money , or to get him to do more housework.

              Men that talk about women as gatekeepers sound like men that are powerless in the relationship.
              A man that talk about women like that is a red flag for me, and if a man talks about his woman like that I feel he lacks self respect when he stays with her.

            • Megan Sailsbury says:

              No, Kim. You’re not misunderstood. You’re misunderstanding.

              “I thought men used the word ” gatekeeper ” when they see themselves as totally sexually powerless.”

              Nope. Men and women use the word gatekeeper to describe the woman’s role in the sexual philosophy exemplified by purity culture. It’s the belief that we either have no sex drives at all, or at least no right to control them, and that our ‘job’ is to keep men at bay. This is absolutely a real world phenomenon and women do buy into it. It’s sad and it’s sick, but it happens. There’s no point castigating the guys for being aware of it.

      • I beg your pardon, but personally I don’t have the habit of using the G-word.
        I was only using it here to make a reference to a behavior that the author was using/describing in the article. That’s why I also put it in quotation.

        • Megan Sailsbury says:

          I’ll take your word for it, but I don’t actually care. I wasn’t criticizing you for saying it, or anything else for that matter. We’re cool. :)

  9. Megan Sailsbury says:

    “These five translations are certainly not true for all women all the time.”

    Yeah, no kidding. As a matter of fact, I found them almost offinsively inaccurate, based on nothing more than stereotypes. Particularly the line “Her mind and body don’t kick in like yours do with a deep need for sexual connection.” Speak for yourself.

  10. Jennifer

    Can you tell us how frequent sex men expects in a monogamous relationship ?
    Let’s say a man dream of sex twice a day and the women prefer two times a week.
    Can he push,nag, criticize and shame her into having sex twice a day or should he accept that he can have a long term love and sex relationship if he can live with great sex with her twice a week and sex with himself the other days?
    It is hard to understand why he rather live alone in celibay than to have sex with her twice a week.
    Some men see this as an insult.

    Give her time to be hungry for you, give her time to build up tension and deep desire that can explode in good sex instead if boring quickies twice a day.

    • Say you married a woman who was eager for sex at every opportunity. Who had energy and passion for it. And then, after marriage, she says, “I’d really prefer it once every other week, but twice a week seems like a good compromise.” How would that man not feel lied to and cheated? I’d rather take care of my own needs and look for someone new than hang around for scraps. Because what she’s offering is anything but great sex–it is not born of resentment and rejection.

      • If you feel lied and cheated to after the marriage, it’s because you feel somehow entitled to it, which you aren’t

        • “If you feel lied and cheated to after the marriage, it’s because you feel somehow entitled to it, which you aren’t”

          Horseshit. People have full right to expect a decent level of respect, love, n care from a relationship. That is what it means to be in a relationship, if someone cannot handle giving that out without a damn good reason then they don’t deserve a relationship. If she is wilfully misrespresenting herself in the premarriage phase and drastically changes then he has every right to be pissed because she’s lying. Now if she simply is tired, worn out then she hasn’t lied but life has thrown a curveball.

        • Megan Sailsbury says:

          Or perhaps he felt lied to and cheated because she did an about face as soon as she snagged a ring? Maybe, ya think?

      • A man
        Are you serious when you say about a marriage with good sex twice a week :
        “”"”I’d rather take care of my own needs and look for someone new than hang around for scraps.”"”"”"

        Is impossible that some men’s expectations for sex in a life long committed relationship is somewhat unrealistic ?
        I do not understand how a grown man expect a wife to be eager for sex at every oprtunety year after year.
        Teenagers are at it like rabbits, and couples when they first meet. But year after year after year.

        But to expect sex every time you have a opportunity ,when you live together sounds totally unrealistic.

        • Megan Sailsbury says:

          Did you not read his post? The scenario you describe has nothing whatsoever to do with the one he put forth:

          “Say you married a woman who was eager for sex at every opportunity. Who had energy and passion for it. And then, after marriage, she says, “I’d really prefer it once every other week, but twice a week seems like a good compromise.”

          That’s not a guy complaining that his wife of fifty years doesn’t throw him to the bed like a teen at the mercy of raging hormones. That’s a guy who’s justifiably upset that once his beloved landed a husband, she didn’t see a need to feign interest anymore.

    • Hi KIM
      Can he push,nag, criticize and shame her into having sex twice a day

      Probably not…

      or should he accept that he can have a long term love and sex relationship if he can live with great sex with her twice a week and sex with himself the other days?

      If the sex really were that frequent and that great, the vast majority of men would most probably be overjoyed with the situation!
      But I’d guess that we are probably talking more like once a month or twice a year, than twice a week, in most cases here.
      And in my experience, if you don’t desire your partner more than that, you rarely put in the effort to make it all that great when it does actually happen, either. (general “you”, not you personally.)

      • Ditto!

        Too many women simply think we men should be happy with whatever scraps we are tossed!

        Yes, if my ex wife would have given men sex twice a week (with passion) I would still be married to her. Most married men are lucky to get sex once a week.

        It is as you say FlyingKal.

    • Do you not see the flaw here? SHE gets ALL of her sexual needs for frequency met, she’s had her fill yet he’s still wanting more.

      ” It is hard to understand why he rather live alone in celibay than to have sex with her twice a week.”
      Twice a week probably isn’t too bad but for many men it’s twice a year at best. Why bother staying together? If my partner wasn’t having sex with me at least once a week I’d be considering leaving unless there are decent reasons such as health or life’s major stresses. I am way wayy too sexual to limit myself to less than once a week, to me that just leaves me frustrated and craving that form of intimacy.

      Would you like your husband to only give you another form of intimacy, maybe kissing or hugs less than once a week? If you like talking to him, maybe he only talks a lil bit at a time and doesn’t pay much attention but less than once a week does have a time where he pays full attention to you. How would you feel? Desiring more?

      When you get to the stage of not wanting sex more than 1/10th of the time your partner does then maybe you need to start considering something to boost your own sex drive to match (since he has already drastically reduced his), an open relationship and allowing him to find extramarrital sex from a SAFE place, or just finding a different partner.

      Genders can be flipped here, this happens to both genders. One of my friends hasn’t had sex with her partner for nearly a year, I would have left after a few months since it’s not really a relationship but a friendship in my particular needs.

      • Archy

        “”"”"”Would you like your husband to only give you another form of intimacy, maybe kissing or hugs less than once a week? If you like talking to him, maybe he only talks a lil bit at a time and doesn’t pay much attention but less than once a week does have a time where he pays full attention to you. How would you feel? Desiring more?”"”"”"
        Some husbands are like that all the time.
        Maybe that is the reason why the sex is no longer steemimg hot and no longer happens every day.

        Reading men’s comments it sounds like it is always women that are not good enough in bed, while men see themselves as perfect in bed and out of bed.
        It takes two to tango.

        • FlyingKal says:

          Reading men’s comments it sounds like it is always women that are not good enough in bed, while men see themselves as perfect in bed and out of bed.
          It takes two to tango.

          I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve at least tried to listen, and fulfill her needs, both out of and in bed.
          If you’re just saying “No”, without neither listening nor trying, just expecting the desire and sex drive to appear “later”, any other day, I don’t Think it’s all that much of an argument.

    • @KIM,

      “It is hard to understand why he rather live alone in celibay than to have sex with her twice a week.
      Some men see this as an insult.”

      Most married men do not get sex twice a week. If my ex wife would have had sex with me twice a week (instead of once a damn month) then I would still be married to her. Most men do not desire sex daily. The problem is the women are uninterested in their husbands or the ones that are having sex with their husbands lack enthusiasm.

      I am one of these men who would rather be celibate than be in sexless marriage. It is insulting when a woman thinks she should just throw the guy a bone AND that he should be happy.

      If 80% of married men are unhappy with sex in the marriage, it should tell intelligent married women something. But as usual women like to dismiss men and our complaints. Only certain men are given a free pass and unfettered access to their bodies.

      What I have discovered is if you are a man and love sex as I do (3-4 times a week), then find a woman who also loves to fuck. Forget about the long term stuff. It’s only going to lead to misery. Focus on being a lover to women and not a husband. Men, you will be a lot happier in life.

  11. Ok, my DH and I have been together for 27 yrs, our previously active sex life has taken a nose-dive now that we have 3 teenagers in a creaky old house in the city with small bedrooms – I just can’t relax. My 13 yr old repeatedly wakes up and bangs on the door. On a Saturday morning they gather under us in the living room to watch tv and I KNOW the floor creaks. DH gets pissed off with me for repeatedly ending sessions because he’s being too loud and banging into the wall. Now he refuses to be intimate with me in any way that I like. NO one ever talks about this, is it because everyone else lives in huge houses? I heard a stand-up comedienne say something about shitty sex for years because of this but it did not resonate with the younger folks in the audience. I am approaching the big M and am disappointed about what used to be a big part of our relationship and I don’t want to continue having lame sex in the basement laundry room. THAT’s why I don’t feel like it anymore.

    • D.R. Bartlette says:

      Thank you for bringing this up! Living with kids who are old enough to know what’s going on and not having soundproof walls is a MAJOR libido-killer. And I’d be willing to bet that a LOT of couples have this situation.
      A suggestion – not trying to tell anyone how to live their lives – is to set up a date-night or -afternoon where you send the kids AWAY – to a friend’s house, a movie, hang out at the mall, WHATEVER – and get it on all over the damn house! Bang a hole in that wall! Break the bed!
      Do this at least once a week, and I promise, if everything else is OK with your relationship, you will never give up date-night/-afternoon again.
      Good luck!

      • D.R. Bartlette,

        Hi and thanks for the suggestion.
        But do you know what happens when you make plans for things, like sending away the kids or going to a hotel for a weekend?
        There will be EXPECTATIONS, which will lead to PRESSURE, which is also a perfect excuse for a major libido-killer.

        • There don’t have to be expectations. The arrangement can be, “this is our alone time; if we have sex, awesome, if we don’t, awesome. We just spent quality time together.” So long as that’s really the situation and it’s really OK not to have sex, it should relieve the expectations and pressure.

  12. A helpful method to kickstart a sexless relationship is to flip the script on occasion and deny her when she wants sex. It often serves as a wake up call, that you may be losing your attraction to her, and in my experience the sex gets stepped back up for awhile after that.

    • Take her shopping… Let her try on designer clothes, drive a luxury car, peruse cruises, model some jewelry- whatever turns her crank…
      And then when she is excited about taking it home explain…
      “Oh, can’t you just cuddle with it today? Take your time I’ll meet you in the car.”

      • Megan Sailsbury says:

        You do realize that this whole joke is based in the misogynistic idea that women are just prostitutes, right?

        • Not at all Megan- it’s more a commentary on selfishness and the decision not to meet a SO’s expectations…
          It is, like so many jokes about spouses, another example of “What’s good for the goose…”

          • Megan Sailsbury says:

            No, I’m afraid I don’t buy that at all. It wouldn’t be ‘funny’ if it weren’t drawing a very clear connection between sex for men and lavish monetary gifts for women.

            Now please be aware, I’m not blaming you. The joke’s been around for ages, and it’s hardly limited to men. Witness the jeweler’s ad slogan “Every kiss begins with Kay.” But I thought it was worth pointing out.

  13. I am a female and would be very happy to have sex once or more times a day. I love it and can not relate. I don’t like this stereotype of how women supposedly don’t need sex as much as (or more than) men do. It totally does not apply to me. So I am just here to let people know that there are definitely women who love sex and want it as much as men do (if not more). It’s the best thing in the world.

    • Too bad it isn’t easier for people to mix n match based on sexual capability. I haven’t had sex for years but I love it 1-2x a day, it’s agony lol.

    • @Scorpio,

      It is not that women do not like sex. I know they do! Women are more sexually charged than men.

      The problem is they don’t want to have sex with their damn husbands! I to this day cannot understand why women just don’t marry the men they like to fuck. What gives her the right to deprive her husband of sex. She had NO problem having sex before marriage. Suddenly, she needs blah blah blah….It all a bunch of self centered garbage.

      Since my divorce, I have had a terrific sex life. Why? Because I focus on being a lover. I am not a womanizer. I have a girlfriend who loves sex like I do. However, I am under no illusion that one day she will change. Women just do. They are serial daters and/or serial monogamists.

    • Megan Sailsbury says:

      Right there with you.

    • D.R. Bartlette says:

      I agree, Megan. The times when I was the one with the lower libido were because:
      a). I was freakin’ exhausted from working and/or going to school, then coming home to take care of the kid, cook dinner, clean, do laundry, pay bills, etc., etc., etc. Do not disregard how much freakin’ work women do, every day. Even SAHMs work hard too. Being stuck at home with little kids (especially not yet potty-trained ones) is taxing physically and mentally.
      b). I was in pain. I have endometriosis, which is actually very common in women, and it causes pain intermittently, as well as *excruciatingly* painful periods.
      c). It just wasn’t worth the effort. I’ve had several partners that, honestly, weren’t very good in bed. They didn’t really “do” foreplay (or just a token rub/lick to say they “tried”), just basically got on, got off, rolled over. The sex wasn’t very pleasurable or satisfying for me; therefore, I didn’t really care to have it. Needless to say, I didn’t stay with those guys long.
      I’d be willing to bet A and C are a lot more common than most of the “codes” the author gave in the article.

  14. Had my eye on a man with a deliciously super high libido, but he chose to marry his long-term woman who has an average sex drive. He must have thought I would stick around to collect his crumbs but no, I moved on and now he is complaining and telling me how much he masturbates while thinking of me (daily actually). *sigh*…………. don’t come crying on my shoulder… he had the choice.

    And then there are women who have all that and don’t even appreciate it. The world can be an unfair place…. I would know what to do with a guy like that. Cause I am the same way. Would be a nice relationship with lots of steamy sex and touch.

    Oh well… keep dreaming…

  15. This is quite a generalisation in the article but each point has something in it. It does take women more time to warm up than men, especially because of the biology of the parts. Would men be so keen to jump straight into sex if they were the ones being penetrated? Methinks not

    • “Would men be so keen to jump straight into sex if they were the ones being penetrated?”
      I think a lot of women get around this by giving or receiving oral first, it’s still very sexually stimulating but gives time to build up and for some it’s their foreplay.

      I’m on medication which seriously increased my sex drive (ADHD medicine), I’ve heard that a tiny bit of testosterone for women also does this so maybe that is an option for those who need it. I was on medication that blocked my orgasms but I threw those out because my sex life is worth far more than a silly antidepressant, much of my times having sex with someone was ruined because of that stupid medicine (the SSRI). If medication is making your sex life terrible, try to change it!

      • Archy
        The warm up women like is like this:
        If you want to make love to a woman on Saturday you start the warm up on Sunday. :)

        • If you are a husband, then you have to pray as well.

          If this is a man that a woman is sexually attracted (e.g., well built fitness instructor), no warm up is required. I think you know this as well Archy. Only certain men need to do the warm up exercise.

      • I’m not talking about warm up techniques, Archy. You missed the point

    • Who’s talking about or is anxious to jump straight into it?

      • Ok, now I saw it. Under #4, Don’t touch me like that “… let’s just jump to the good stuff.”

        But what if you don’t want to be touched at all? What if whenever I try to just hug you, kiss you, or just feel you close, you take delibererate evasive action and start talking about something that happened at your job, some TV show you saw, or what kind of wallpaper we should put up in the living room?

        • FlyingKal
          “”"”But what if you don’t want to be touched at all? What if whenever I try to just hug you,
          kiss you, or just feel you close, you take delibererate evasive action and start talking
          about something that happened at your job, some TV show you saw, or what kind of
          wallpaper we should put up in the living room?”"”"”"

          The rest of us would understand the relationship is over. But you struggle to see it.

          Not all relationships last for ever FlyingKal.

          It is hard to take in that you are no longer loved,no longer wanted,no longer desired.
          It hurts like hell. But what you describe is has all the symptoms.

      • I’m sorry for rambling.
        What I really wonder is this. If a woman is really *not* in the mood, then won’t she (more or less actively and eagerly) try to avoid being “primed” as well…?

        • @FlyingKal,

          Yes, she will not respond to attempts by you to ‘prime’ her pump.

          It’s over at that moment.

          • Hi Jules,
            Just to be clear, I’m talking about it on a general level, not about my own current (non-existent) relationship.

  16. My problem is a mixed orientation marriage. Another reason that you don’t give in your list, but perhaps one that other women might own up to. My wife of 30+ years has just recognized that she is a lesbian. So at least i now understand why our sexual relationship has never been that hot, and why it is now non-existent. But we’re not without hope of finding some middle ground that allows us both some modest measure of satisfaction.

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