No one wants to date a fake, someone whom everything is just for show, a man who isn’t authentically what he says he is. James Michael Sama explains how you can tell.
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*Editors Note: The term “Real Man” is used to box men into stereotypes. To put them inside the man-box, and have them stay there. “Real men don’t eat quiche.” was where it started — a way of saying to men, don’t you dare do anything outside the stereotypical norms or you will be shamed and laughed at. But “real men” are simply human. They connect with people with kindness and empathy. They aren’t afraid to be whatever it is they want to be. And here’s how those very real, very human, people who are very much men, might act in dating relationships.
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I’ve made posts in the past about qualities of a gentleman, as well as the differences between a ‘bad boy’ and a jerk. But, how does this all translate into how somebody acts while in a relationship?
A man may be able to put across a great image, but it could simply be a cover for hidden shortcomings, or he could just be totally faking it to “get the girl.”
Here are some ways to know if you’ve struck gold:
A real man values more than just your looks.
Is every compliment from him about a different body part? It doesn’t matter how creative he can be, if a guy’s sole focus is on how you look, or ‘talking dirty,’ see it as a red flag. A real man will value your personality, your kindness, your intelligence, and who you are as a person, in general. The things he makes you feel good about will be things that you control, not just results of getting lucky in the gene pool.
A real man will never be intimidated by your motivation.
A man who has goals for himself, will want to be with a woman who has goals for her own life, too. He will never feel intimidated or threatened by a woman who goes after what she wants. He will want to be part of a power couple, rather than a dictatorship. Be mindful of anyone who tries to keep you from pursuing your dreams.
A real man will have more interests than just you.
I don’t mean this in a negative way. You should, of course, be a priority in his life – but he needs to have a life as well. Interests, friends, hobbies, aspirations. If a man works his entire life around you, it’s another red flag – relationships should be a great part of your life, but not encompass your whole life.
A real man will give you answers.
No matter how awkward or uncomfortable a situation is, a real man will approach it, and you, with respect. I have always felt that a mark of a man is how he handles conflict, criticism, and less-than-ideal situations. A man will not dance around answers or make excuses. If there is something you two need to talk about, he will talk about it.
A real man is direct.
In addition to the last point—there will be no mind games or manipulation in your relationship. A man will be direct, to the point, and honest with you … but with kindness.
A real man will trust you.
As long as you haven’t betrayed his trust, a man will NOT be paranoid, or snoop around invading your privacy to make sure you’re not doing anything bad. He will have confidence in your relationship. A boy will project his own insecurities onto you, and like termites in a house, will eat away at the foundation of what you’ve built.
A real man is cool, calm, and collected.
It should be understood that part of what comes with the territory of having a girlfriend, is dealing with her getting hit on. If you’re at the bar together, or if she’s out with her friends, it goes without saying that your girlfriend will get hit on every once in awhile.
Instead of letting his primate instincts prevail and beating his chest like an angry gorilla to scare off competition, a confident man will calmly make his position known, and understand that you’re still going home with him at the end of the night.
A real man will show you respect.
Nothing signifies an empty shell of a man more than someone who disrespects women, animals, or children. A real man will treat you with the respect that you deserve, never force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, and never mistreat you. Be honest enough with yourself to walk away from any situation that is dangerous to you, physically or emotionally.
A real man will put effort into your relationship.
Boys are generally apathetic and just look for one thing from a woman. A man, will do what it takes to make you happy, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Your happiness, is his reward.
A real man will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.
A man will empower those around him. He will strive for greatness and therefore inspire others to strive for it as well. This not only includes friends and co-workers, but also significant others.
As Mark Twain said – Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
If you do have one of these men in your life, make sure he knows he is appreciated.
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This post originally appeared on the blog of James Michael Sama
Photos: alexisnyal/Flickr [main], insets: jonmelsa, joelleim, raymundopelayo, flickr
# 11- his name is Drew & he owns a lab.
Drew: # 11- his name is Drew & he owns a lab.
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Are you breaking bad on us here? Because for a lot of women, that’s so hawt.
Chocolate Lab, wait no bait & switch – a dog…
Hi James
Your intentions are good,but what makes you think women look for ” real” men?
Maybe we look for a good person. Mature persons with integrity.
A man or a transman if we are heterosexual.
The concept ” a real man” is outdated .
It sounds like some men are not real….”the unreal men”.
You might be missing something. These are all marks of mature people with integrity.
A good test for whether a list like this is worth the pixels its printed on is to do a simple gender flip. So let’s try it, and see how it sounds: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> TITLE: 10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A Real Woman No one wants to date a fake, someone whom everything is just for show, a woman who isn’t authentically what she says she is. James Michael Sama explains how you can tell. >>> A woman may be able to put across a great image, but it could simply be a cover for hidden shortcomings, or she could… Read more »
Your gender flip just highlights how the list was based in the assumptions of patriarchy. The original list sometimes rightly questioned them, sometimes it didn’t. In the original version (not gender flipped) I thought the list was pretty cool until I got to the part about “cool, calm and collected” and it was mentioned that your man should expect you will get hit on.. Now I get that the point of this one is that your man shouldn’t be an an ape towards the idea that you are attractive and others are attracted to you.. but the assumption that women… Read more »
I always instinctively do these gender flips in my head whenever I read lists of that sort. And this one sound perfectly all right. Yep, works fine for women too.
No, I’d stick with a one-for-one gender flip. Women, as much as men ‒ so, people in general ‒ need to value their partners for more than just their looks.
I have respect for those who have put together this page and for the motives behind it. It is insightful and thought provoking but, the message is some how lost through ignorance of most. It seems to me the more educated we become the more we regress in our thinking. I read some of these comments and feel such disgust that my hope for a better society demises each and every day. Great post, keep up the good work. LOL G
It all rings true for me. And I’ve been with my real man for 19 years.
No disrespect intended to the AC, but why can’t you *interpret this article for what it is – respect for your partner, period, and not make it a gay or straight thing. That whole defensive reaction to a well intentioned, nicely written article like this is old and makes many an eye roll. We get it, it’s 2013, gay AND straight men deserve an amazing, real partner; all intelligent, cool persons can agree on that. So please don’t “stir the pot” where it is not necessary – it just makes you look like you’re wanting to start an argument for… Read more »
Exactly!!! Two thumbs up Angie.
This is a terrible article in how low a bar it sets. At least the last two are broad enough to be things that are actively being a good partner instead of the common decency that the rest of the list is. The list is really how to know your man is not being an a-hole/douche in some obvious way. ‘Not being an ass’ and ‘being a good guy’ are still far apart on the scale though. What sucks most is that it’s actually one of the better lists that I’ve seen in ‘print’ – that’s a terrible sign for… Read more »
You wouldn‘t believe how many girls and women don‘t know they should care about this list that you call a „low bar“. The mass media constantly sends a message to women that they are too needy just by wanting all those basic things that are mentioned in the list. And the rise of the pick-up artists and their „wisdom“ also doesn‘t really add to the guys compliance to the things mentioned above. A woman can also want other things from a „real man“, but being a healthy person in a meaning that he is respectfull, accepting, confident, kind and etc.… Read more »
Why is this entirely heteronormative? Are real men only of the straight variety James Sama?