Every afternoon for weeks, Sean would order his latté and chat up the gal behind the counter. He was slowly working up his courage to ask for her number—until she made the first move one day when he was the only customer in line.
“Uh, can I ask you something?” Her embarrassed grin seemed full of promise.
“Sure,” Sean said, his heart starting to race.
“Are you single?”
Wow, Sean thought to himself, this is easier than I thought. “Sure am!”
“Well, I know this is weird,” the barista said, “but you seem really great and I really want to introduce you to my mother. She’s really awesome, and I think you two would have a lot in common.”
Sean was crestfallen. He took the mother’s number, but never called. And he never went back to that Starbucks. “How can I date a woman my age when I’m already so attracted to her daughter?”
Too many of us are like Sean, flattering ourselves that we’re still desirable to women young enough to be our daughters. 
Young women may want something from us that doesn’t involve dating their single mothers, but it’s usually not what we imagine that they want. Even if they seem flirtatious, remember how much of that is just a pretense. No matter how sexually forward they may seem, teen girls usually don’t want what they claim to want, at least not from a guy your age—and if you give it to them, chances are good they’ll resent you for it later.
♦◊♦
So many kids grow up like Amber, my student. So many grow up disappointed in—and betrayed by—older men. Part of being a good man is matching your language to your life, matching your desires and your values. Teen girls, and teen boys, need to see the older men in their lives as trustworthy and reliable. Like it or not, in the eyes of a young woman, you’ll never be trustworthy if you’re hitting on girls her age. You’ll be a “creep” and a “perv.” And you’ll have earned those names.
This isn’t about shaming adult men for doing a double-take at a cute high school cheerleader. It’s about gently reminding all of us that what looks so grown up isn’t. It’s about remembering that our libidos should be growing along with the rest of us. Most of us who are over 30 don’t have the same haircut or listen to the same music that we did when we were teens. Unless we’re the unfortunate John Derbyshire, shouldn’t we be attracted to a completely different age group than we were when we were too young to drive?
If we’re not fathers, we can still be role models. As I see in my own work every day, young people are so hungry for that comforting, steady male energy that only guys who won’t see 30 (or 40, or 50) again can provide. This isn’t about infantilizing young adults. It’s about building a culture where good, kind, and responsible men serve as guides and mentors to young people, boys and girls alike, who need our safety and our strength.
♦◊♦
See also:
A Good Man’s Guide to Catcalling
The ‘Creepy’ Factor
—Photo by k.ivoutin/Flickr
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About Hugo Schwyzer
Vocalyze
So I guess all you pervs approve of Courtney Stodden and her geriatric husband?
Kaylee,
I’ve no doubt you are right. But older men are hurt when you scowl at them in the streets when they are enjoying looking at you. I would not for one moment suggest you smile if you don’t want to. What makes you feel that you have the right to not only tell men how they should move their own eyeballs around in their own heads but also to have the audacity to consider that your thinking of your uncle sexually makes this act somehow morally wrong? It is only moving one’s own eyes in one’s own head!
Mind you, I agree with you on the sitting too close. People should not invade other people’s space.
I was 54 when I married my 18 year old wife. I met her in the Philippines when she was 16, but we did not fall in love until two years later. We’ve been married 20 years, and I could not have asked for a better wife. She has taken good care of me, and I have taken good care of her. We have endured much ignorant statements such as “she is only after your money”, “she only wants a green card”, “she’ll leave you as soon as she gets her citizenship”, “you should go to jail for being a pervert for marrying a baby”. None of these, or the hundreds of other stupid statements ever came true. …..
Sure, it was fun being married to a young beautiful lady at first, but after a couple years, we never even thought about the age difference. We were, and are, just two people in love. I don’t recommend marrying someone 36 years in age difference, but there is nothing Lawfully or Biblically wrong with it. By the way, nearly ALL of the folks over the years who have said so many stupid things have been divorced at least once in that time.. some of them several times.
We have four wonderful kids, age 12 to 18 , all excell in school and sports, and are very well behaved. And, they are being taught to wait until marriage to have sex, just like their mother (wish I could have waited! haha) Will they wait? Who knows? But they have a great foundation.
And, I know some of you are going to make some more stupid remarks about our relationship, but you know what? It’s your problem, not mine. We are happy.
It’s funny, why the lust of an older man should be differently judged than his lust when he was younger (that goes for or women and younger men too)? If an older man feels lust for a younger woman and is not attached to any other woman why is it abnormal for him to pursue his happiness in this way, if that happens to make the younger woman happy too?
We are not talking about hitting on underage girls. We are talking about consenting adults with an age difference of maybe 20 or more years. We are also talking mostly about men who had to forgo a lot of fun in their younger years to achieve all the accomplishments in their life.
I agree with the three top reasons why older men date younger women. However, I want to add one more that nobody is talking about. If a man has kept himself in good physical shape, is healthy and attractive, stayed young at heart and spirit, has a cool attitude about trends (music, fashion, sex, etc.), and is unattached, why wouldn’t he be appealing to any younger woman? And here is my point: such a man cannot get along with a traditional woman close to his age, especially if the notion of building a family is not one of his priorities.
A woman of his age, say 45 and up would generally have a few kids, a few divorces, a few ailments, and a restricted lifestyle not to speak about her physical attractiveness. How many (soccer-) moms do you know who have time to take care of their body, their looks, and follow trends (movies, music, new restaurants, art exhibitions, etc.)? Call me superficial, but I like beauty, attraction, and excitement. How many have the time to go on trips, or party in the weekend once in a while, or attend a concert out of town, etc. We are not talking about Hollywood stars whose job requires them to stay in good shape and have all the resources they need.
A successful man who spent his life studying, learning, and working hard to arrive where he is, is entitled to enjoy the fruits of his labor and pursue his happiness at an older age; and if this means to partner with a younger woman, then more power to him and her. Unless the only reason for their relationship is to build a family and have a bunch of kids, I don’t see anything wrong in such a relationship. It might even last much longer than relationships between couples of similar ages.
And what is wrong if the older man can offer her not just stability and experience, but also a much better material life than a young man, stressed by the rat race and struggling to make ends meet, can? And, maybe, he can insure her a better future when he is not around anymore?
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I just broke up with my 12 year relationship. He was younger then me, not allot, but younger. Now he has moved on, very quickly I might add, with a 19 year old from Ohio. she just recently graduated high school. We live in Ontario. He is 31, and he thinks he loves her, only a 2 weeks after texting this young girl in the states. They never even met, while saying they love each other. How can he possibly love her, being 19, after being with me, for 12 years. Our break up wasn’t bad, and we even talked about getting back together. There were only minor reasons I ended it. Otherwise our relationship was wonderful. He ever told me, the same. Please help me understand. He is totally oblivious to what we had, two weeks after break up.
If the relationship was so wonderful why would you end it–and for minor reasons? I think he’s probably more aware of what you thought you had than you think. Why would he think you had something extra special when you ended it? Why would he think there was something to hold onto? Think a bit about your actions. Why should he be expected to wait for you when you ended it? If what you had was so great and wonderful, why would you end it?
Yeah, some men will hang on until there is absolutely no hope for a relationship to be salvaged, but there are also men who aren’t going to wait around for someone else to decided what direction their life is going to take.
I am sure it’s not a nice potion to be in, but you made your decision and now you have to live with the consequences of that decision.
you broke it off? then why are you worried about what he is doing at all? Move on and dont worry what he is doing. He found someone that is better for him – right now…. Stop whining
…he’s obviously a complete freak/psycho. i think you dodged a bullet there. i just feel sorry for the poor girl he’s predating on :S
Wow, sorry I pissed you off Emma. And you didn’t even reply to my messege, you just bashed me. No one asked for your rudeness.
The reason I ended it, was because I needed to make a point. He could not give emotionally, but he could love. It is hard to explain, however I know what i am talking about. He loved me so much! Twelve wonderful years to be exact. i need to show him, (and I told him the same) that if he didn’t try and show any emotion, I was gone. That is all that was wrong. That was it. He couldn’t show emotions, because he has been very damaged through his childhood. And I accepted this for a long time. We shared everything, even his tears, that was very hard for him to do. So now I see he running away from all this, to someone he barely ever see’s. You know why? So he doesn’t have to commit, or to show any emotion yet again. And I don’t understand why he has done this.
So Emma, instead of bashing people, and judging me, why not wait till you get a good description of the problem.
You ended it to prove a point? I’m sorry, I am not bashing anyone, I just asked a few questions.
Actually, your description of the problem only baffles me more with why you are confused that when you ended it, he decided to try someone one new.
Has he told you that he’s running away from you so that he doesn’t have to commit or show emotion or is this just something you assigned to him so that you can rationalize being right for your lack of commitment to him?
I am in a wonderful relationship going on 18 glorious years. We’ve had our ups and we’ve had our downs, but ending it to prove a point never crossed my mind because to me ending it shows a lack of commitment. If you can’t weather a person as they are now and you end a relationship because of it you are not committed to that person.
You may not see what you have done as a lack of commitment, but it is. If he is damaged from his childhood as you say, than ending the relationship after 12 years is you not being committed to him or the relationship you had with him.
Would you go back to someone who told you that you had to be someone other than who you are or they were going to leave?
Damaged people do not magically heal because someone wants them to behave in a different way. I am not bashing and I am sorry if you take it that way.
Commitment works both ways. If you can end a 12 year relationship because of a problem you knew about he may not see you as committed to him as you think you are.
I was committed to him for 12 years, he did not. I gave all my soul into our relationship, more then I ever gave my ex. husband. Im ending this conversation. Only because no one knows what happened, what we went through, what I personally went through. And I guess it was wrong of me to post any comment. People are being very judgmental, without knowing the facts.