Jayson Gaddis explores the mess he sees we are in when it comes to male sexuality. How did we get here and what on earth do we do?
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To not teach children about the sacredness of their bodies and their sexuality is one of the CORE abandonments of our time. This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.
I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. Fortunately for me, I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into its headwaters with open arms. But it was almost too late.
My first sexual experience with another person was when my cousin taught me how to masturbate. Naturally, it felt good. But then he shamed and humiliated me, leaving a deep scar. This became my initial sexual imprint, and it has impacted my sexuality to this day. Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused. Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture.
So how did we get into this mess?
I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.
First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. If that’s you, congratulations! Seriously. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality (i.e. conservative religious groups).
Leaving it up to the schools and churches to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.
Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all, or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school, likely from a teacher who is filtering information because their hands are tied by a fearful administration.
Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.
So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.
I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t my Dad’s fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.
So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the generations of abandonment alive.
But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I won’t pass the buck to other adults and expect them to deliver. I also refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or having hard core porn be his first sexual experience.
I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.
Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).
As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.
Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.
Confused yet?
As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any superhero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”
If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.
Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a fire-hose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we isolated and went inward for answers.
Pile on more confusion….
Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might have faced silent judgment or ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.
Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we paradoxically find comfort in our isolation and disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and then we hope to meet a cool woman that likes us despite our insecurities.
Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we finally find relief in our sexually confused state–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives and gives the illusion of keeping our shame at bay.
Whew.
Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain angry, alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.
So this is where we are today
Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny, misandry, the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, Steubenville Rape, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.
All taught by who? Boys.
That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.
Wow.
So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.
Breathe.
The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”
In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his penis, his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.
In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.
How are you dealing with your own confused sexuality and how will you/are you teaching your son about it? Because wherever you are ashamed and stuck, you will block your son from learning and embodying a healthy sexuality.
What I am doing about it?
Read this awesome breakdown The Healthy Sex Talk–Teaching Kids Consent Ages 1-21
I am teaching him about his sacred body. Where I’m stuck, I’m getting help, hiring mentors, going to classes and learning about how to appropriately (factoring in age and brain development) and truthfully talk to my son about his body and his sexuality. And, if enough parents ask, I’ll probably offer tele-classes or write more on the subject. I’m open to suggestions.
Please share below how you are navigating this critical terrain.
If you are a parent of a son, or are actively involved in raising boys in your life, join our facebook page Raising Boys.
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Photo: By crdotx/ Flickr
Sex is just a part of human nature, but we certainly don’t talk about it enough. This is one of the main reasons the online porn industry has exponentially drastically. One of the main trends today is Snapchat porn. Many Pornstars on Snapchat are using social media to promote their private VIP Snapchat account. It is time we start talking about whats going on in the world and step up to the plate.
This is amazing post. I subscribed!
This is amazing post. I subscribed!
This is true. This blog is carrying really true information and also giving some tips to follow. So thanks for sharing such an amazing post.
Sexual activity is a vital principle of human living that connects the desire, energy, and pleasure of the body to a knowledge of human intimacy, for sake of erotic love, intimate friendship, human mating, and procreation.
Great post! I teach sociology and women studies and ask my students if their parents ever talk to them about sex. Hardly any of them do. I don’t know if the parents are just uncomfortable or think they’re protecting their children but they certainly aren’t doing the latter. And to be responsible parents they really need to do former.
I understand the principle behind this article; however, it is perpetuating the idea that all men are raised to be horrible people who treat women poorly. Therefore, all this article does is offer an excuse for what culture is telling us about men, as if the idea of the abusing, sexual predator that all men are needs some reinforcing. I am a Man AND I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. There are millions like me; I am not an anomaly. Lastly, I hate the needed prefix of “Good” when discussing Men like myself. Maybe a campaign of men saying “I… Read more »
Agreed. Wouldn’t it be great if it was renamed the Evolved Men project, or Awakened Men, or Conscious Men… ‘Good’ makes me cringe.
Mature, poignant and thoughtful article. Shame people are using the comments section to embrace misogyny and the “men vs women” or “feminism is bad” myth rather than really taking in the meaning of what you’re saying. I feel sorry for our boys, taught that sex is their right, and that they should ‘take’ it at every opportunity, and indeed *want* it at every opportunity, that aggression is a good way to get sex (and they have to ‘initiate’ it because women won’t) etc. Then suddenly they are grown men who haven’t been taught about consent, relationships or any of the… Read more »
Much to the embarrassment of my children, I have kept an open, unabashed, matter-of-fact dialogue about sex going in our house. I’ve nonchalantly brought up discussions about bodies, masturbation, and all other sex-ed related topics frequently, sharing things I’ve read and encouraging questions.
I hope one day my kids will thank me.
They will!
I have as well. They are adult now and we can talk comfortably about sex and sexuality. My husband has a harder time of it, perhaps for the above reasons.
Schools here in Norway are really great about teaching about both the mechanics and ethics of sex and sexuality.
I am Public Health Nurse in school health program and the mother of two boys. I do a lot of education around sex and sexually. I love this post and think parents are the first and most important educators, but many need more support to do this. It is frustrating that where I work they want us as nurses to do less education in the school because they say it the teachers job and their curriculum and we should focus on supporting teachers to become comfortable (which is also our goal when possible). But ad you said many because of… Read more »
This may sound weird, but one thing I was never told as a teenage boy was that women can enjoy sex! 🙂 I didn’t even have a girlfriend until college, and I remember coming to the conclusion, while I was in high school, that sex seemed much too violent, and I couldn’t imagine forcing it on any woman I actually cared about.
When we’re explaining sex to kids, we shouldn’t skip the fact that consensual sex is in fact enjoyable. Otherwise we lose credibility with most kids, and give a warped sense of sexuality to the others.
“Places like the Playboy mansion will continue to flourish until we raise a generation of men who are genuinely comfortable with their sexuality and don’t need an artificial human zoo in order to get close (physically and emotionally) to a woman.”
– Antipornmen.org
Honest to God, I think we are just now starting to wake up to the REAL, TRUE reality that up until very recently, not only women, but MEN have been enslaved to a subhuman condition. It took the feminist movement, and the suffragists before them, to start asking the questions, to start liberating women to be their true human selves, their full human selves. But all along, what has been termed “male privilege” is, at best, an illusion. Some males have truly felt privileged to vote, and yes, it might’ve been a privilege to vote and own property and get… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more. I was very lucky to have parents that gave me liberties. I grew up in the fifties and sixties. When I was about four I had a doll that was almost as big as me. When I was in high school people said that I had to be gay because I was very artistic, loved philosophy, and didn’t want to play football. (I hated the idea of hurting people) When I worked as a psychiatric CNA I was constantly kidded about being a nurse. But sometimes you need muscle in the wards. But some of my… Read more »
When I was eight, I was molested by my stepdad. That is where I learned about my body. Ever since then I have been confused and I am 31! Been married for almost 9 years now and we have a 2 year old daughter. When I found out we were having a daughter I was relieved that my first child was not a boy. I mean, I did not have a father to raise me, how do I know how to raise a son? Glad the Good Men Project shared your blog, I will be reading up. Thank you for… Read more »
Jayson, thanks for bringing this to light. I’ve often been ahsamed, even angry at how little my father communicated to me about sex and sexuality. I felt lost and alone, and like you in my 30s I feel like I’m just starting to figure it out. With a young daughter I’m worried for the kind of men that she’ll come across, men like me who are good guys but who don’t have a clue about what is going on in that part of their lives, or how to teach her that it could be different.
So many men think their own body as dirty and disgusting, and its so weird to me. My friend said to me, how could all women are not lesbian and how could they sexually attracted to men, since men are so ugly, hairy, and repulsive, and women are so beautiful. I said to him, for women men are also beautiful and sexy, and he cant understand it, even joking, ” Are you gay??” lol. This type of thinking from most men are weird to me. Because how they could respect their women who love them and sexually attracted to them… Read more »
Most fantastic point John.
Exactly. That’s the point I would speak to. When it comes to heterosexual interactions and understandings in our society, body image seems to be so one-sided. Physical attraction is so largely man toward woman. Many people view this as natural sexual behavioral difference and dimorphism, like you see in many animals. I’ve heard more than one woman refer to normal men’s bodies and especially their penises as useful but not beautiful (as opposed to women’s bodies). But even though that seems to me to be the general rule, there are all sorts of reactions and assertions which belie that dynamic:… Read more »
Such a potent point John. It is up to us to raise the bar on how we raise our and educate our sons, brothers and fellow men.
i was thaugt the same way i felt the shame and guilt abused by a male cousin i keep any thing to do with sex isulated by porn or mastorbation was never thougt sex ed at any school mean while my school friend all took some sex ed i still cant figure out how this happed? i mean missing sex ed
We also need to teach young boys that male and female sexuality differs greatly. We need to teach them that women are much more selective and have a lot of sexual options.
You should probably not teach your boys anything about female sexuality that you do not know to be an absolute truth. In fact, it’s probably a bad idea to teach them that anything simply falls under the category of “male sexuality” or “female sexuality”. Making broad statements such as “women are much more selective,” first of all, implies that men will have sex with basically anything, which is not true, is not a fair assessment, and is an unhealthy understanding of sexuality. Second of all, it teaches that there are two kinds of people in the world (especially where sexual… Read more »
I am reading a fantastic book called ‘There Is No Sex Fairy’ by Jan Hindman that details how this whole sex business is a setup and we are so busy reacting to the latest scandal that we fail to see how we actually create this dynamic with our own shame, secrecy, and isolation around sexuality. Hindman’s core thesis is that teaching children sexual respect is the cornerstone needed to prevent child sexual abuse- and as a man who is a survivor of sexual abuse myself, I wholeheartedly agree.
🙂
Thanks for your blog post.
Please, define for me the tern “healthy sexuality” and prove that it is the right definition. As a 48yo catholic, I don’t think that repression until marriage was healthy, nor do I think sinful self-indulgence is. But i don’t know for certain if there is a middle ground and I have no basis to teach one!
Joe, I think there is no such thing as a “provable” or “right” definition of healthy sexuality except by these criteria: that your sexuality makes you feel good about yourself rather than causing you distress, and that your expressions of sexuality don’t hurt other people. It’s important to recognize that no ONE definition can be applied to all people, in terms of the specific ways to achieve it. Rather, every single person on this planet has to come to their own conclusion–or embark on their own lifelong journey–to find out what makes them personally feel best and safest with their… Read more »
Sandra:
Your capacity to affirm each person’s genuine feelings is beautiful. If I had lived that way I might have been happier – maybe. But if God or karma exists I still better choose what is moral not what is comfortable or you won’t be able to keep me from getting it in the end. Worse still if I steer my kids the wrong way…
Thank you very much, Joe, for your kind compliment. <3 I would also like to say that, if your faith is important to you, you can certainly incorporate it into your own embodiment of healthy sexuality. As I said, we all must take our own paths; all that matters is that we feel good and not hurt others. As for the distinction between what is "moral" and what is "comfortable", try to be at ease about that, because I don't think there has to be any struggle between them. For one thing, if something makes you feel good and makes… Read more »
In response to the little flare-up over whether the boys-in-underwear picture is appropriate, I would like to say this: 1.) It’s not an erotic photo and not seemingly intended to be erotic. It’s demure and innocent, just a couple of clothed boys’ body parts. 2.) If you think a photo of clothed, non-suggestively posed body parts is exploitative or provocative, that sounds more to me like generalized fear of sex rather than sincere compassion. And fear of sex is exactly what this article is trying to do away with, so this photo is incredibly appropriate here, and I commend you,… Read more »
“1.) It’s not an erotic photo and not seemingly intended to be erotic. It’s demure and innocent, just a couple of clothed boys’ body parts.” That is the point of the article is boys and sex; so, it obviously is a picture of the boys’ genitals in a sexual content. If it were a picture of similarly aged girls’ genitals in an article about sex, it would not have been permitted. Boys aren’t considered worthy of the same level of care and protection as girls. Sadly, that is true throughout society and is reflected here. “3.) If a picture of… Read more »
I want to be very clear that I care a LOT about treating men and women (boys and girls) equally, especially with regard to caring for and loving them, educating them, respecting them, and creating safe environments for them free of abuse, harm, shame, and fear. That said, Eric, I agree: I think that boys don’t get the same love and attention as girls when it comes to protecting them from exploitation and abuse, or to helping them heal or overcome their abuse. And I think that’s a painful, painful, terrible, cruel, devastating injustice, and I would very, very much… Read more »
Wow a lot of great insight from fellow men and fellow women! I think the main reasons we need to do a better job of teaching boys about sex, is the immense importance of treating and courting women with care, strength, and dignity. I had a girl tell me today that the guys she goes to school with have this unfair entitlement of having women in that they do not really have to earn a girl’s respect. This is just asinine. Adolescents and young men can be overconfident pricks. Some of them are conditioned to be this way because of… Read more »
I hope that it will soon become normal for boys and girls to have their first sexual encounter with a doll/avatar /robot, as just a natural extension of their theory lessons. THEN noone will control the virgins and you will have something that you control, understand and appreciate to give to others
I think this article hits the bull’s eye. Its amazing and incredibly understandable on how many people take offense that the writer didn’t mention certain things, which usually can be applied to the points he makes. A woman on here said she lost all credibility with the author when he mentioned “That I could give life or destroy life with its power.” Ya know, he could be speaking metaphorically. Wow. Sex is a very controversial topic which filters a lot of our opinions by the experiences we have had with it and the things that relate or are connected to… Read more »
Um…pretty sure the person who said that the author lost all credibility with the phrase “That I could give life or destroy life with its power,” was not a woman. That person went on to explain that they feel that men are basically slaves in our society and women abuse and manipulate them while society just tolerates it. It sounded a lot like MRA stuff, or at least the MRA stuff that I am familiar with.
There was definitely nothing in their post that suggested or stated that they were a woman. I have no idea why you assumed that.
The Akin thing indicates a certain amount of societal non-communication about sex, for sure. It’s wrong on a number of levels – the science of not conceiving due to rape is not there, and the “legitimate” tag reminded me of this site, with so many posters hung up on their He-Man Woman-Haters spiel, part of which is that rape is basically a myth to you know, control men or something. Thing is, Akin is a “legitimate” nominee of one of the two major parties (why we only have two major parties, I’m not sure – it’s not in the Constitution)… Read more »
“with so many posters hung up on their He-Man Woman-Haters spiel, part of which is that rape is basically a myth to you know” Interesting you pull He-Man and Woman-Hater out of a post on what we have to do to help our boys. Then you go on to pretend that everyone is saying rape is a myth… well, if you have to actually build the straw man to argue with, whatever point you are trying to back up with your own self-created scenario may actually not be worth making. Usually that says that the person has a point of… Read more »
It is interesting that no one has commented on teaching our kids about rape and abuse. One of the reasons that abuse tends to follow family and regional groupings is that children are taught that abuse and rape are natural and expected. When I worked as a fund raiser with a program called AWAKE in Jackson County, NC we were trying to raise awareness of what inappropriate touching and treatment that leads to abuse are to help kids realize that they had been harmed. In working with the county’s spouce abuse chapter REACH as a hot=line worker I had to… Read more »
“I had to explain constantly to women that their not appreciating being beaten and raped was wrong” Yet the article is about teaching our boys about sex instead of letting their friends teach them. My friends taught me, but NONE of them even suggested rape was normal. This would be such a SMALL percentage of any family or culture that making a “mainstream” program directed at it does a HUGE disservice. Our boys are not abusers and rapists. They just aren’t. This is what politics and special interest has been pounding into our feeble societal brain for many years now,… Read more »
That’s why supporting the AWAKE program was important to me. Because the program was aimed at elementary school kids of both sexes. Programs like this are needed to stop abuse. Unforunately this was a public school program. The record of numerous press releases from all over the country shows that most of the abuse happens in Christian schools and some in Catholic Schools. I would never trust my grandkids to a Christian school!
There are many of us out there trying to get sexual abuse prevention education (SAPE) in all elementary schools. it is an ongoing battle but with the statistic of 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually interfered with before 18 it is crucial. Please share the resource and children’s book on this very topic at http://www.somesecrets.info And also support Erin Merryn as she travels US trying to get each state to adopt laws so all elementary-aged kids are taught SAPE.
Thanks, I hope you don’t mind if I repost it to a website I’m making so I can pass it on this is great!
It’s incredibly important to teach children about what inappropriate touching is. 25years later I still bear the scars of my molestation. My parents even had us read a book that dealt with it. Sadly I read the book after I had been abused. The book also only dealt with stranger danger. It didn’t tell me that the rape I suffered at the hands of another (older) child was the same thing. To those who are convinced that the penis cannot kill? The scars I bear nearly killed me. My dear,sweet, loving and supportive wife (and a lot of therapy) are… Read more »
It’s hard to repair the scars on your soul. Age does help either. It didn’t when my ex-wife raped me. It seemed even more pointless because she had been taking lovers for over eleven years by then. I would like to say that here is the solution to all the hurt, but I can’t. It doesn’t matter is you are in a relationship with a man, another man, or another woman. If you are in a relationship with another human you can be raped and abused. I hope that you are getting help with your relationship issues. Feeling hurt and… Read more »