Exploring the mess we are in around male sexuality. How did we get here and what on earth do we do?
My first sexual experience with another person was when my cousin taught me how to masturbate. Naturally, it felt good. But then he shamed and humiliated me, leaving a deep scar. This became my initial sexual imprint, and it has impacted my sexuality to this day.
Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused.
Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture.
I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. Fortunately for me, I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into it’s headwaters with open arms.
To not teach children about the sacredness of their bodies and their sexuality is one of the CORE abandonments of our time.
This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.
So how did we get into this mess?
I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.
First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. If that’s you, congratulations! Seriously. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality (i.e. conservative religious groups).
Leaving it up to the Churches and schools to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.
Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all, or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school, likely from a teacher who is filtering information because their hands are tied by a fearful administration.
Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.
So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.
I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t my Dad’s fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.
So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the generations of abandonment alive.
But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I won’t pass the buck to other adults and expect them to deliver. I also refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or hard core porn be his first sexual experience.
I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.
Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).
As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.
Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.
Confused yet?
As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any superhero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”
If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.
Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a fire-hose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we isolated and went inward for answers.
Pile on more confusion….
Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might have faced silent judgment or ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.
Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we paradoxically find comfort in our isolation and disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and then we hope to meet a cool woman that likes us despite our insecurities.
Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we finally find relief in our sexually confused state–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives and gives the illusion of keeping our shame at bay.
Whew.
Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain angry, alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.
So this is where we are today
Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny, misandry, the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, Steubenville Rape, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.
All taught by who? Boys.
That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.
Wow.
So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.
Breathe.
The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”
In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his penis, his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.
In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.
How are you dealing with your own confused sexuality and how will you/are you teaching your son about it? Because wherever you are ashamed and stuck, you will block your son from learning and embodying a healthy sexuality.
What I am doing about it?
Read this awesome breakdown The Healthy Sex Talk–Teaching Kids Consent Ages 1-21
I am teaching him about his sacred body. Where I’m stuck, I’m getting help, hiring mentors, going to classes and learning about how to appropriately (factoring in age and brain development) and truthfully talk to my son about his body and his sexuality. And, if enough parents ask, I’ll probably offer tele-classes or write more on the subject. I’m open to suggestions.
Please share below how you are navigating this critical terrain.
If you are a parent of a son, or are actively involved in raising boys in your life, join our facebook page Raising Boys.
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Photo: By crdotx/ Flickr
About Jayson Gaddis
So I am a 20 year old female, and I really really appreciate acknowledge and honor this article because you my friend are filling the gap. The gap needs to be filled in the area of sexuality for youth. There is just not enough empowerment for young people in this area, and it needs to be talked about. Thank you so much for starting the conversation. Thanks for role modeling to other men what should be happening.. Hope to see more from you!
“That I could give life or destroy life with its power.”
I stopped reading after this. You lost all credibility.
Rape doesn’t kill. So the notion that a woman might be killed by your cosmic member is utter nonsense.
What’s more is that a penis is not power. It grants you nothing. If you had power when you were born with a penis then they wouldn’t be trying to hack pieces off of it shortly after you were born.
You penis is a brand. A mark that designates you as a slave. At 18 you sign up for the draft–a law which states that your “unalienable right” to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness can in fact be taken away and you will become a military slave–property of the U.S. government.
It goes beyond that though. Now that you are 18 all the protections of a child are removed and now you must earn status in order to be regarded with basic respect and dignity. The measure of your status will determine if women flutter their eyes when you speak to them or file sexual harassment claims.
And once you get a woman you will spend your life working and turning over the bulk of your income to her. You will have limited property rights so long as you are married and well after the marriage is over.
You will have no new rights from marriage. Not even the right to have sex. This is a privilege that your wife will grant if she feels like it. In fact she will have no obligations at all.
In our society women have choices but men have obligations. This is why women blame men for everything. Nothing can be their fault because they have no obligations to do anything–only choices.
Should your wife tire of you she may decide to poison you and cut off your penis and throw it in the garbage disposal. Her act of sexual domestic violence will be regarded by millions of women as “fabulous” and you will be laughed and jeered at. Should you attempt to defend yourself from this you will be jailed. Should you attempt to seek shelter from her violence you will find none as 99.7% of all domestic violence resources go to women even though the CDC states that 53% of DV victims are men.
It will never matter what you learn about your sexuality. You are a man. You penis will be regarded as a weapon and should you ever express your sexuality in any way that is offensive to a woman you will be punished severely and for the rest of your life.
Jean, You might not win a literary prize. Too much venom. But I think a lot of men out there are thinking—Yes, Yes, Yes !
I wouldn’t call it venom as much as straight-forward, no holds-barred, in-your-face reality. We as a society have created this paradigm, or have allowed it to occur. If we continue on the current path, our boys will mean nothing and be told it openly at every turn, justified by a society of those who started us down the path to begin with.
If we don’t start paying attention to the things Jean brings up, AND correcting them, our boys will suffer severely from our apathy. All people are created equal and NO ONE should be denigrated, demeaned and ridiculed solely because of their gender. No one should have more or fewer rights solely based on gender. This is a lesson we learned with race about 40 years ago and Martin Luther King. As women became more prevalent in the workplace, the “movement” was a success. But where to go from there? It has been taken over by a group that seems to aspire, not to continue to elevate women, but now to force men into the position they felt their ancestors were in so many years ago. It’s an odd course, one fraught with “attack” mentality instead of the “mutual respect” mentality that the original leaders envisioned. Our politicians are bought by it, proliferate it and make laws expanding it, while special interest continues to justify the outright sexism so that it can remain strong in our society…and the media? They just keep regurgitating anything that will sell at 6pm.
Our boys? Forget about them. The Good Men Project? This may be the last generation capable of making choices before they are assigned their “mark” as Jean puts it, and justifiably placed at the bottom of the human pool. I mean, after they turn like what…16? Up until then, the justification for doing it is that it is still in their best interest. I suppose kind of like making films on how to be a good housewife was for women in the 50s. At the time, it seemed like the normal way to handle the way society accepted the roles that were played. It just wasn’t enough to get rid of the films as society changed. Apparently we need to make new ones, joyfully doing onto the grandsons now, that which was condemned for the grandmothers before. We as a society hated it so much, we figured we keep the concept alive for our boys in this generation…innocent boys…but they LOOK like the others. Ahhh, the sweet smell of revenge. And the best thing is they have the politicians enacting it…really, it just seems like the normal way to handle the way society NOW accepts the roles that are played.
It’s ironic that you’re upset about the gender inequality — you know, feminist stuff — like how men are forced into service while women are not and how domestic violence against men is greatly invisible, yet you still manage to be sexist.
Women, generally, want sex too. Men have to grant this privilege too. Men do not have any more sexual obligations than women, though I like how you said that like women should have.
Also, a lot of women these days have their own degrees and jobs and incomes, which means they have obligations: mortgage, tax, bills. And this progressive modern thinking also mean that women can get respect and dignity, and that they need to earn it.
Wow, I should tell my husband that he needs to be handing over more of the money he makes to me. I had NO IDEA that being someone’s wife meant that, by default, you got EVERYTHING. Clearly, I’ve been doing this marriage thing wrong, contributing just as much (more, actually, because I make more money than he does) as my husband.
You should remember that marriage is a partnership more than anything else!
Agreed.
We can not deny the history of male-female marriage, in which men, were in charge and entitled to everything. Marital rape, is a very new concept. Property ownership in this country and the ability to sign contracts by women, is also a relatively new legal concept here in the U.S. and in many parts of the world ,does not exist at all.
Women are still bought and sold in “marriage” around the world.
History, must be paid attention to in discusions of this nature.
Interesting reply to an interesting piece. You lost some credibility with me when you said you stopped reading, because we can only learn and grow by testing our views against others and seeing where the “rightness” falls. I think you both have validity.
A penis can kill, even by rape, if only indirectly. Some women and some men who are raped, kill themselves because of the shame, etc. that accompanies that violent act. Indirect cause of death. HIV and other STI’s are transmitted by the penis. Direct/indirect cause of death.
A penis does not grant you power, but nor do you cede power by marrying a woman or man. That’s a choice. We ALL have choices and we all have obligations, those are not gender exclusive.
But you’re right, and so is the author of the article, we need to reframe the discussion into one of MUTUAL respect, MUTUAL communication, MUTUAL obligations, rights, repsonsibilities, etc.
First, we need to dispell the baggage of our calvanist/puritan heritage that infects cultures and peoples around the world.
“You will have no new rights from marriage. Not even the right to have sex.”
Correct. Which is why it is stupid for any man to get married. You receive nothing but the responsibility to do what she says, when she says it or she’ll take your children, your house and everything you worked so hard to build for yourself until the day you met her.
Marriage in this country is a completely voluntary obligation for men, and a whimsical trial and lottery for women. Steer clear of those like Jean that would use the archaeic laws of today to crush you into submission. Let homosexuals have marriage. The rest of us have discovered it is merely a ploy by the biggest pimp on the planet (the government) to redistribute the wealth, by giving women all the rights to money if they sign a contract to sleep with you. In this era of equality, marriage is an absurd concept that should be a punishment, not something you choose to do.
Apparently my last reply got eaten, so I’ll try again, but briefer:
It’s very correct that marriage doesn’t grant you “the right to have sex” with anyone, because marriage is not a “contract to sleep with” anyone. What you’re thinking of is “consent”, which needs to be newly granted every single time you ever have sex with anyone, whether you’re married or not.
In any case, marriage should absolutely be a choice–a mutual choice, just like sex, and something you’re perfectly free not to do if it doesn’t suit you.
“giving women all the rights to money if they sign a contract to sleep with you” is incredibly stone-age.
a) marriage is not a contract for women to sleep with men (or the reverse) because of this little thing called human rights and marital rape
b) men are not obligated to give women their money
This comment nailed it on the head, Jean. Let’s start with getting a male pill and/or reforming child custody standards/laws.
This might interest you, Nolan: http://techcitement.com/culture/the-best-birth-control-in-the-world-is-for-men/#.UT1iChmVlcA (The Best Birth Control In The World Is For Men)
It depends on the purpose of the birth control. My ex-wife wanted me to have a vasectomy because of her having an extremely difficult pregnancy. I refused because the goal was to keep her alive. This was especially true since she was engaged in lots of extramarital sex.
our sexuality absolutely gives us a certain form of power. a dominating male (or female) can use that power for good or evil. for you to say rape doesnt kill is true, but to claim that it doesnt take away life is wrong…. i have seen it happen. i have experienced watching the power of using sexuality to dominate and rule over someone. it is very obvious you are a male. thinking with logic and no emotion, and while i understand, i think you need to open up your closed mind and heart. it isnt just a penis or a vagina, it’s a gateway to life and creation. i don’t think the above quote is only speaking toward rape. i also think you need to open yourself up. i stopped reading your comment after the first sentence.
” it is very obvious you are a male. thinking with logic and no emotion”
That’s wrong: the guy’s post shows PLENTY of emotion: disgust, fear, hatred, bitterness. It’s a horrible myth that being male means being logical: look at your average teenage boy.ttttttttttttttttt
What his post lacks is empathy. He’s got some complaints, and some of them are valid (the draft IS sexist, for instance). Maybe he’s gotten a raw deal from some women, and is so wrapped up in self-pity that he can’t imagine that women might be getting a raw deal too.
To start from your post, i can see that you have been hurt, and wronged in some way. I can see from your post that quite likely you see a man’s gender identity as being harmful to the man, or many men in general. All i can do about this is say, while that is your experience that is not my experience. My experience has been that my masculinity is something that is part of me and something i am capable of using for right or wrong. In the end like any tool, or technique its the particular use of the object that matters. When a plow is used to till earth and give a family food do we call it wrong? When a plow is used to till earth and fuel a ignoble king’s capacity to wage war do we call it wrong? What if both are uses happen at the same time? The uses of a hammer, a car, a sword, a knife, a bomb, none of these have a role that is exclusively ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ sometimes a bomb mines ore to make tools to help us live, but it always does so at the price of the land around it. It’s so easy to get caught up in either/or arguments of morality, when even ethics is much more complicated than YES or NO as to the morality of a decision. Some people talk of black and white morality, others shades of grey. I hope they learn to realize that not only are there 7 broad categories of visible light that we can see there is a whole spectrum of color out there that we are incapable of seeing, and that some living beings CAN. No one has the whole picture. No two people ever see the exact same picture. Learn to try to appreciate the world as other’s see it. They may be illogical but so am i. We all only see shadows of reality. Only by asking others what part of reality they see that we do not can we expand our vision.
actually I think you got the figure wrong… says 53% of men who experienced violence from a romantic partner had before the age of 25…or did you reference something else?
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/nisvs/
still though, women (and men) would be surprised (a lot of men wouldn’t) how much we’re abused physically. We just don’t talk about it, because to do so would be to “be little bitch”. etc.
The Akin thing indicates a certain amount of societal non-communication about sex, for sure. It’s wrong on a number of levels – the science of not conceiving due to rape is not there, and the “legitimate” tag reminded me of this site, with so many posters hung up on their He-Man Woman-Haters spiel, part of which is that rape is basically a myth to you know, control men or something.
Thing is, Akin is a “legitimate” nominee of one of the two major parties (why we only have two major parties, I’m not sure – it’s not in the Constitution) so he is merely expressing a view that is pretty mainstream in terms of the number of people that agree with it.
“with so many posters hung up on their He-Man Woman-Haters spiel, part of which is that rape is basically a myth to you know”
Interesting you pull He-Man and Woman-Hater out of a post on what we have to do to help our boys. Then you go on to pretend that everyone is saying rape is a myth… well, if you have to actually build the straw man to argue with, whatever point you are trying to back up with your own self-created scenario may actually not be worth making. Usually that says that the person has a point of view and regardless of the subject matter or what people are saying, they will turn it into their own personal fight with their own agenda. Good luck to you. Rape is real. Most men and women are deserving of love and respect. Anything else you choose to see or believe is on you, not others.
It is interesting that no one has commented on teaching our kids about rape and abuse. One of the reasons that abuse tends to follow family and regional groupings is that children are taught that abuse and rape are natural and expected. When I worked as a fund raiser with a program called AWAKE in Jackson County, NC we were trying to raise awareness of what inappropriate touching and treatment that leads to abuse are to help kids realize that they had been harmed.
In working with the county’s spouce abuse chapter REACH as a hot=line worker I had to explain constantly to women that their not appreciating being beaten and raped was wrong and yes I was willing to help in any way I could. Many times the women had been conditioned to accept abuse and rape as normal.
“I had to explain constantly to women that their not appreciating being beaten and raped was wrong”
Yet the article is about teaching our boys about sex instead of letting their friends teach them. My friends taught me, but NONE of them even suggested rape was normal. This would be such a SMALL percentage of any family or culture that making a “mainstream” program directed at it does a HUGE disservice. Our boys are not abusers and rapists. They just aren’t. This is what politics and special interest has been pounding into our feeble societal brain for many years now, but it is just not true.
Almost all boys and when they grow up, men, are NOT abusers or rapists. They are decent, respectful human beings who treat others with respect regardless of their gender. In fact, they probably treat other males with much less respect than females…it is what society is trained to do. NO woman should accept abuse as normal, but neither should any man. If you don’t do as your wife asked, you shouldn’t expect to be slapped or have a pan thrown at you. We, as a general society DO NOT accept this when men do this to women, yet we turn around and justify why it is normal when a woman does this to a man. Stop and think about it for a second. In public, how many times have you seen a boyfriend/husband hit, slap, kick or push his girlfriend/wife? Now, how many times have you seen a girlfriend/wife hit, slap, kick or push her boyfriend/husband? Not only is it expected, it is championed by all those around. YES!!! She hit him. One for the team! It is a sick culture that we have developed and if we don’t start teaching our boys that they too DESERVE respect, then all the other teaching in the world will never change the mindset of one who doesn’t feel they deserve respect. They will act as they have been programmed. If we push them down long enough, they will eventually learn their place in society….and that is not only wrong, but extremely destructive to society as a whole.
We need to take an interest in our children, and in our families…boys AND girls. We need to teach them to be respectful and that in turn they must EARN the respect of others, regardless of their gender. No free pass for anyone to be disrespectful of another. We need to stop the nervous laughter at negative influence in society and begin to build mutual respect for all humans…one human at a time. It’s not politically correct, so you won’t see from our supposed leaders…they are too busy building their own pulpit speeches that just continue to exacerbate the issues, not solve them.
Yes, there are many young men that don’t believe they need to earn a woman’s respect, but there are just as many (probably MANY more) young women that have no idea they should even be trying to earn a man’s respect. It is a horrific turn in our society that will only make it take that much longer for each to view another as “equal.” I liken it to an older/younger sibling. If the older sibling is constantly told not to hit the younger one, but the younger one is allowed to hit the older one, the parents may laugh, but do those involved see each other as truly equal? It will never happen as long as we don’t have the same expectations of everyone. Different expectations lead to deep-seeded resentment and once you have that, any action that follows is merely a mirror of what was created.
That’s why supporting the AWAKE program was important to me. Because the program was aimed at elementary school kids of both sexes. Programs like this are needed to stop abuse. Unforunately this was a public school program. The record of numerous press releases from all over the country shows that most of the abuse happens in Christian schools and some in Catholic Schools. I would never trust my grandkids to a Christian school!
There are many of us out there trying to get sexual abuse prevention education (SAPE) in all elementary schools. it is an ongoing battle but with the statistic of 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually interfered with before 18 it is crucial. Please share the resource and children’s book on this very topic at http://www.somesecrets.info And also support Erin Merryn as she travels US trying to get each state to adopt laws so all elementary-aged kids are taught SAPE.
Thanks, I hope you don’t mind if I repost it to a website I’m making so I can pass it on this is great!
It’s incredibly important to teach children about what inappropriate touching is. 25years later I still bear the scars of my molestation. My parents even had us read a book that dealt with it. Sadly I read the book after I had been abused. The book also only dealt with stranger danger. It didn’t tell me that the rape I suffered at the hands of another (older) child was the same thing.
To those who are convinced that the penis cannot kill? The scars I bear nearly killed me. My dear,sweet, loving and supportive wife (and a lot of therapy) are the only reason I’m still alive. I look forward to the day I can contribute to the betterment of our species by raising a man who understands the power that he has. A life without shame is nothing less than he will deserve.
It’s hard to repair the scars on your soul. Age does help either. It didn’t when my ex-wife raped me. It seemed even more pointless because she had been taking lovers for over eleven years by then.
I would like to say that here is the solution to all the hurt, but I can’t. It doesn’t matter is you are in a relationship with a man, another man, or another woman. If you are in a relationship with another human you can be raped and abused.
I hope that you are getting help with your relationship issues. Feeling hurt and vulnerable is not a good thing.
I think this article hits the bull’s eye. Its amazing and incredibly understandable on how many people take offense that the writer didn’t mention certain things, which usually can be applied to the points he makes. A woman on here said she lost all credibility with the author when he mentioned “That I could give life or destroy life with its power.” Ya know, he could be speaking metaphorically. Wow. Sex is a very controversial topic which filters a lot of our opinions by the experiences we have had with it and the things that relate or are connected to it. Take a step back people. That is one very large problem that is affecting America. Adults stick with what they know and what they believe in without any checks or balances of their own mind and our ever so morphing nation. Humans in general are stubborn and stiff-necked. This is why, in my opinion, why we are left with two not-so-good choices for the presidency. Think outside the box people, our children and children’s children depend on it whether you like it or not.
I hope that it will soon become normal for boys and girls to have their first sexual encounter with a doll/avatar /robot, as just a natural extension of their theory lessons. THEN noone will control the virgins and you will have something that you control, understand and appreciate to give to others
Wow a lot of great insight from fellow men and fellow women! I think the main reasons we need to do a better job of teaching boys about sex, is the immense importance of treating and courting women with care, strength, and dignity. I had a girl tell me today that the guys she goes to school with have this unfair entitlement of having women in that they do not really have to earn a girl’s respect. This is just asinine. Adolescents and young men can be overconfident pricks. Some of them are conditioned to be this way because of their father, lack of a good mother, lack of a mother completely, through the media, and girls that are attracted to this kind of little monster. Gosh, men can be so rough on the outside, but so hurt and cut deep on the inside. There has lately been a string of kamikaze-like attacks from men towards their wives and ex-wives in Indiana, and maybe other regions of the country. A great bud of mine has a theory on this in that men are not taught how to handle and work out their emotions with friends, family, spouses, and girlfriends. It is really sad how these attacks end, usually with the man killing his partner, himself, and sometimes innocent bystanders. I can think of three extreme cases that occurred in the state of Indiana in the past three months. Things will only get worse with the lack of great male mentors and fathers that are not there. Also, loving mothers play a pivotal role in this as well.
In response to the little flare-up over whether the boys-in-underwear picture is appropriate, I would like to say this:
1.) It’s not an erotic photo and not seemingly intended to be erotic. It’s demure and innocent, just a couple of clothed boys’ body parts.
2.) If you think a photo of clothed, non-suggestively posed body parts is exploitative or provocative, that sounds more to me like generalized fear of sex rather than sincere compassion. And fear of sex is exactly what this article is trying to do away with, so this photo is incredibly appropriate here, and I commend you, Jayson, for leaving it up. (I see no reason a photo of a waist or crotch should be any more inflammatory than a photo of hands or knees or faces or backs of heads. They’re just bodies. We all have them.)
3.) If a picture of girls would be taken down, that would indeed show an unfairness, because a picture of girls should be left up, too.
Again, as the article says, our own bodies and body functions are not something we should be ashamed or afraid of. Rather, they’re something we should be free and happy to openly communicate about. Taking down a picture does not communicate a message of respect and appreciation for our bodies, it communicates fear of our bodies. And fear of sex = not talking about sex = serious problems for everyone.
Thank you, Jayson, and well done.
“1.) It’s not an erotic photo and not seemingly intended to be erotic. It’s demure and innocent, just a couple of clothed boys’ body parts.”
That is the point of the article is boys and sex; so, it obviously is a picture of the boys’ genitals in a sexual content. If it were a picture of similarly aged girls’ genitals in an article about sex, it would not have been permitted. Boys aren’t considered worthy of the same level of care and protection as girls. Sadly, that is true throughout society and is reflected here.
“3.) If a picture of girls would be taken down, that would indeed show an unfairness, because a picture of girls should be left up, too.”
A picture of girls in this exact setting would never have been posted here. Articles on girls and women reflect great respect and concern for the dignity, respect, and protection. Sadly and ironically, as this example illustrates, there is far less so for boys and men.
I want to be very clear that I care a LOT about treating men and women (boys and girls) equally, especially with regard to caring for and loving them, educating them, respecting them, and creating safe environments for them free of abuse, harm, shame, and fear.
That said, Eric, I agree: I think that boys don’t get the same love and attention as girls when it comes to protecting them from exploitation and abuse, or to helping them heal or overcome their abuse. And I think that’s a painful, painful, terrible, cruel, devastating injustice, and I would very, very much like to see it end. So much about it breaks my heart.
But that doesn’t mean the photo accompanying this article is erotic or exploitative.
Were it a picture of a jar of pennies, or a picture of boys’ faces, it wouldn’t be erotic. That it is a picture of boys’ waists and crotches doesn’t automatically make it erotic. Even sexual organs themselves are not inherently erotic. Even the act of sex itself is not necessarily erotic. (If this is a difficult concept for you to grasp, that’s very understandable, since most people, I think, have never considered the possibility of separating “sex” from “erotica” or “sex organs” from “sexuality” or of thinking about “sexuality” outside the realms of either erotica or medicine. But as an asexual person myself [and a hobbyist linguist and sexologist], I have a much more complex understanding of how a word like “sexual” might and does have many muddy, nuanced meanings.) So while the photo may indeed be of a certain sexual or semi-sexual nature, the type of “sexual” the photo is dealing with is not the type of “sexual” I think you’re concerned about. (Incidentally, the photo isn’t of boys’ genitals but of boys’ clothed crotches.)
But, as I said, I think your concern is very legitimate, that it stems from a very real gender-bias (or sex-bias) problem, and I think that problem is incredibly tragic and in need of a solution. I just think that your concern here ironically manifests in a way that is more conducive to promoting sexual fear than to alleviating it.
If a picture of girls would never have been posted in the first place, that would indeed be unfair, because a picture of girls should be. But that has nothing to do with whether a picture of clothed crotches is erotic or exploitative.
Please, define for me the tern “healthy sexuality” and prove that it is the right definition. As a 48yo catholic, I don’t think that repression until marriage was healthy, nor do I think sinful self-indulgence is. But i don’t know for certain if there is a middle ground and I have no basis to teach one!
Joe, I think there is no such thing as a “provable” or “right” definition of healthy sexuality except by these criteria: that your sexuality makes you feel good about yourself rather than causing you distress, and that your expressions of sexuality don’t hurt other people. It’s important to recognize that no ONE definition can be applied to all people, in terms of the specific ways to achieve it. Rather, every single person on this planet has to come to their own conclusion–or embark on their own lifelong journey–to find out what makes them personally feel best and safest with their sexuality. Some people may find it very fulfilling and wonderful to abstain from sex until marriage and never feel repressed by their decision. Others may freely and generously partake in sex acts outside of marriage and never feel over-indulgent or sinful. And so long as neither of these practices causes distress to others (or to oneself), who is anyone to say they’re wrong? Moreover, there is certainly middle ground between the two options you listed, and virtually infinite variations on how anyone might embody their own sexuality beyond those two options. One might choose serial monogamy until marriage and afterward decide forevermore to remain monogamous with their spouse (a very common decision). One might choose abstinence till marriage and then enter into a polyamourous relationship with their spouse and a network of loved ones. One might choose to never be married or have any kind of sexual relationship ever, perhaps only partaking in masturbation their whole life long, if even that. I can’t even begin to make a representative list of examples! The task is too big! But I think above all, what is most important is to recognize that ANYTHING is OK, that we need never be ashamed of our own sexuality or the sexuality of others–again, so long as we don’t hurt anyone. Complete freedom for everyone to establish their OWN restrictions, without shame or judgment: I think that would be a SOCIETY of healthy sexuality. As I said, you just have to do what makes YOU feel good, WHATEVER that might mean, and you have to accept and embrace the fact that what makes YOU feel good might not make someone ELSE feel good, and vice versa. Everyone has to make their decisions for themselves.
Beyond that, I think it’s only important that we all–regardless of our chosen ways to embody healthy sexuality–be well-educated about the biology of sex and reproduction so that we can make safe, informed decisions about whatever we’re doing.
Does that answer your question?
Sandra:
Your capacity to affirm each person’s genuine feelings is beautiful. If I had lived that way I might have been happier – maybe. But if God or karma exists I still better choose what is moral not what is comfortable or you won’t be able to keep me from getting it in the end. Worse still if I steer my kids the wrong way…
Thank you very much, Joe, for your kind compliment. <3 I would also like to say that, if your faith is important to you, you can certainly incorporate it into your own embodiment of healthy sexuality. As I said, we all must take our own paths; all that matters is that we feel good and not hurt others. As for the distinction between what is "moral" and what is "comfortable", try to be at ease about that, because I don't think there has to be any struggle between them. For one thing, if something makes you feel good and makes others feel good and just generally promotes positive feelings, acceptance, tolerance, and love, how could it possibly be immoral? And for another, if immorality is repulsive to you, how could it possibly be comfortable? So you see, it's self-regulating. Good feels good, bad feels bad. The only thing that could possibly help us even MORE than this hard-wired regulatory system is EDUCATION. After all, a good feeling may have a bad consequence if we step into our actions without knowing what we're getting into. That's where learning about biology comes in.
But as for higher powers, I think any man-made moral code designed to keep us on the straight and narrow for the sake of a higher power may be very well-meaning, but as I said, no ONE way of living could possibly suit EVERYONE, so we all have to maintain some level of openness and uncertainty. But I have faith that, if you truly pursue a life a good and positivity, no matter whether your actions adhere to any previously prescribed "moral code", no all-knowing higher power could possibly punish you for it. <3 So I hope that helps you a little bit.
I wish you the best!
I am reading a fantastic book called ‘There Is No Sex Fairy’ by Jan Hindman that details how this whole sex business is a setup and we are so busy reacting to the latest scandal that we fail to see how we actually create this dynamic with our own shame, secrecy, and isolation around sexuality. Hindman’s core thesis is that teaching children sexual respect is the cornerstone needed to prevent child sexual abuse- and as a man who is a survivor of sexual abuse myself, I wholeheartedly agree.
Thanks for your blog post.
We also need to teach young boys that male and female sexuality differs greatly. We need to teach them that women are much more selective and have a lot of sexual options.
i was thaugt the same way i felt the shame and guilt abused by a male cousin i keep any thing to do with sex isulated by porn or mastorbation was never thougt sex ed at any school mean while my school friend all took some sex ed i still cant figure out how this happed? i mean missing sex ed
So many men think their own body as dirty and disgusting, and its so weird to me. My friend said to me, how could all women are not lesbian and how could they sexually attracted to men, since men are so ugly, hairy, and repulsive, and women are so beautiful. I said to him, for women men are also beautiful and sexy, and he cant understand it, even joking, ” Are you gay??” lol. This type of thinking from most men are weird to me. Because how they could respect their women who love them and sexually attracted to them if they think their own body is ugly and disgusting? For me, if you cannot respect your own body and sexuality, you cannot respect other people body and sexuality, including heterosexual women who most of them attracted to men. And I think that’s also the reason so many straight men cannot understand why there are gays who can feel attracted to men, because for them, men are ugly and disgusting . And yet they expect women to like them and aroused for them ( only when having sex ) even if they think their body is ugly. Its so weird to me. I think this is because society, like some parents, teacher, teach to us that male body is ugly, not beautiful like women.
And this goes back to Hugo’s article : http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-male-body-repulsive-or-beautiful/
I think we should teach young boys that male bodies are also beautiful and sexy, and its not weird for straight women and gay men to lusted for our bodies, because men and women are beautiful, just in different ways.
If we want boys to respect women and their bodies, first we need to teach them to respect their own body .
Most fantastic point John.
Jayson, thanks for bringing this to light. I’ve often been ahsamed, even angry at how little my father communicated to me about sex and sexuality. I felt lost and alone, and like you in my 30s I feel like I’m just starting to figure it out. With a young daughter I’m worried for the kind of men that she’ll come across, men like me who are good guys but who don’t have a clue about what is going on in that part of their lives, or how to teach her that it could be different.
When I was eight, I was molested by my stepdad. That is where I learned about my body.
Ever since then I have been confused and I am 31! Been married for almost 9 years now and we have a 2 year old daughter. When I found out we were having a daughter I was relieved that my first child was not a boy. I mean, I did not have a father to raise me, how do I know how to raise a son?
Glad the Good Men Project shared your blog, I will be reading up.
Thank you for having the balls to write this.
Honest to God, I think we are just now starting to wake up to the REAL, TRUE reality that up until very recently, not only women, but MEN have been enslaved to a subhuman condition. It took the feminist movement, and the suffragists before them, to start asking the questions, to start liberating women to be their true human selves, their full human selves. But all along, what has been termed “male privilege” is, at best, an illusion. Some males have truly felt privileged to vote, and yes, it might’ve been a privilege to vote and own property and get an education and have a career, in the past. But at what price? I refuse to accept that hegemonic masculinity, or the ideal of the strong male that every male aspires to be, and everyone enforces, is the true and only “ideal” for the male gender. There is no “ideal”. There is only LIBERTY. That means liberty for the effeminate men. For the weak men. For the gay men. For transsexual men and women, for transgender men. And don’t forget boys. That means liberty of self expression and gender expression. We should let boys, males, play with dolls, cook, wear a tiara and boas if they want to, if girls can wear heels and makeup, why can’t boys? And let the girls play soccer or football if they want to! Isn’t playing supposed to “fun”? Isn’t that the whole POINT? Forcing a boy to “play” soccer, something he hates, or football, is taking the fun out of the thing that’s supposed to be fun in the first place. I think sports are played for fun, and only secondly does it get competitive. We have such a long way to go in society, but I’m looking at the good people, the people who dare to be ALIVE, to be THEMSELVES, because that’s what’s worth living for.
A lot of what has been “male privilege” is a double-edged sword. The man could make the decisions. But is decision making best done by males as opposed to females, or experienced, wise, knowledgeable individuals, regardless of gender or sex? That would leave it in the hands of less males and more females than it has been in the past, and we are seeing that with more females in government and politics today, but it’s a recent phenomenon. I mean, if we just look around, there are still cages and slavery for men around us. We don’t have gay men being respected. While straight teens can experiment, homosexual teens can’t until much, much later. And they can’t be open about it. Older people are still very afraid of homosexuality. Boys can’t have long hair. They’re expected to be tough, strong, not cry. You can’t hit girls, but girls can hit boys? And boys can hit boys? Does that make sense? Girls can hit girls, they can hit boys, and boys can hit boys, but boys can’t hit girls? That’s sexist, and it’s assuming girls are weak and can’t defend themselves. Let’s make an end all rule that NO ONE hits NO ONE. There, problem solved. I mean, sexism is all around us. Go to the toy store, and there’s an obvious boy section and girl section. The boy section is tough fighter people in dark colors, and trains and construction sets. The girl section is pretty pink dolls, make up, costumes, and home things. Go to the kids clothes section, and you see it again. There are trucks and cars on the boys dark clothes, while on the girls colorful clothing there are fairies and butterflies. THIS IS SOO WRONG!!
I couldn’t agree more. I was very lucky to have parents that gave me liberties. I grew up in the fifties and sixties. When I was about four I had a doll that was almost as big as me. When I was in high school people said that I had to be gay because I was very artistic, loved philosophy, and didn’t want to play football. (I hated the idea of hurting people)
When I worked as a psychiatric CNA I was constantly kidded about being a nurse. But sometimes you need muscle in the wards. But some of my fondest memories were about talking to people about their problems. I’m a healer not a hurter.
“Places like the Playboy mansion will continue to flourish until we raise a generation of men who are genuinely comfortable with their sexuality and don’t need an artificial human zoo in order to get close (physically and emotionally) to a woman.”
- Antipornmen.org
This may sound weird, but one thing I was never told as a teenage boy was that women can enjoy sex!
I didn’t even have a girlfriend until college, and I remember coming to the conclusion, while I was in high school, that sex seemed much too violent, and I couldn’t imagine forcing it on any woman I actually cared about.
When we’re explaining sex to kids, we shouldn’t skip the fact that consensual sex is in fact enjoyable. Otherwise we lose credibility with most kids, and give a warped sense of sexuality to the others.
I am Public Health Nurse in school health program and the mother of two boys. I do a lot of education around sex and sexually. I love this post and think parents are the first and most important educators, but many need more support to do this. It is frustrating that where I work they want us as nurses to do less education in the school because they say it the teachers job and their curriculum and we should focus on supporting teachers to become comfortable (which is also our goal when possible). But ad you said many because of their own upbringing or school politics don’t have the skills or proper support to teach sex ed and therefore it does get done properly or at all. This is a sad situation and it would be a game changer if boys and girls were properly educated about their bodies and sexuality, especially considering the competition is Family guy and internet porn:(
Right on Jayson.A large percent of men in western society are left to struggle in “no mans’ land” of ignorance. My explanation is that western society is run by about 30% alpha women and 20% high performing males. That’s 50%- very democratic , but—
Since the 50′s several irreversible, never before changes have happened to men and women. The average male , say 20%, has got to be lucky to achive a stable relationship with a women. In many ways you are lucky to be gay.
I taught my nephews that sex is nothing special.
Just one of our animal instincts like eating and sleeping.
And it has many variations ranging from asexual to pansexual.
I taught them that safety and responsibility were very important so as to avoid the downsides of sex such as STI’s or unplanned pregnancy.
That they should be honest wityh themselves and partners and enjoy it.
Sex is special and is much more than eating and sleeping.
thanks for adding to the chaos.
Sex is special, and so are eating and sleeping. We shouldn’t dishonor our bodies by stuffing them thoughtlessly with bad food and by not giving them enough sleep.
We teach our boys to respect their bodies and to name them right (penis, not weewee, not wiener): you can go naked at home and inside the swimming pool’s locker room, and nakedness is nothing to laugh at; you can’t go naked outside, because in our world people dress; you should respect others’ privacy when they want it. We have spoken about the biology of reproduction and read a book about it..
I don’t know what I will do when my boys get older and the emotional side of sex gets important. May God give me the right words at the right time.
Good words as far as they go Pete!