August McLaughlin offers advice for couples where the woman has the higher sex drive.
___
Editor’s Note: August McLaughlin is our weekly relationships advice columnist. She’s here to answer questions and offer guidance on the tough challenges we face in our intimate relationships. Readers can submit questions to [email protected]. Not all questions will be published. The opinions expressed in this column do not constitute professional advice. The Good Men Project assumes no responsibility or liability whatsoever for any actions taken by, or reactions that ensue from, anyone following the recommendations in the answers.
Hey August,
This is awkward for me to talk about, but here goes. My boyfriend of two years has a lower sex drive than I do. When we’ve tried to talk about it, things have gotten tense. He feels foolish and I feel needy and annoying. I’d like him to initiate more often, and am not sure he ever will. I’m scared to start things half the time for fear of rejection or making him feel bad.
But that’s not exactly why I’m writing to you.
Here’s what he doesn’t know: I’ve had a higher sex drive than most of my boyfriends. (I told a therapist this once and she asked if I’d been abused as a kid. The answer is no.) I’m embarrassed to tell him and I’m not even sure why. I know that doing so might make him feel less awkward.
Am I a horrible person? Or a freak of nature for wanting sex so much? I’m not addicted, I swear. I just really crave and enjoy it.
|
Am I a horrible person? Or a freak of nature for wanting sex so much? I’m not addicted, I swear. I just really crave and enjoy it.
I loved my high drive when I was in a relationship with a guy whose matched, but now I sometimes wish it would go away.
—Too Turned On
♦◊♦
Hey Perfectly Normal,
I hope you don’t mind the name adjustment. Trust me, it’s more accurate.
Isn’t it interesting that the masses assume that women desire sex less than men? It’s such a popular notion that few folks question it. Think about it. Where does that “fact” come from? Various studies show that men reportedly have more sexual thoughts and partners than women do—but research also shows that men tend to exaggerate their sexual traits and history whereas women round them down—if they’re willing to discuss them at all.
Recent research conducted by Meredith Chivers, PhD, of Queen’s University shows that females are naturally as desiring of sex as men and more easily bored by monogamy.
|
Recent research conducted by Meredith Chivers, PhD, of Queen’s University shows that females are naturally as desiring of sex as men and more easily bored by monogamy. (That’s not to say we need multiple partners or breakups, of course, but that spice and variety help.) You may find Daniel Bergner’s research-based book featuring Chivers’ work, What Do Women Want?, reassuring.
When I’ve discussed these issues before, people have said, “But what about testosterone?” Testosterone is important, yes, but there’s also this gorgeous thing called estrogen we ladies are chock-full of. Estrogen deficiency causes low sex drive in women and men.
Even if testosterone were the only sex drive hormone, emotions play a hugely significant role for many women. Stress, sexual shame, poor body image, depression, anxiety, and exhaustion—issues prevalent in women—are major libido tankers. So if it seems women are less sexually inclined, here may lie the reasons.
We’re taught in manifold ways that women are either “sluts” or prudes and that while “good girls” don’t embrace sex, we should make like porn-stars in the bedroom. These mixed and untrue messages hurt all of us, including men.
We’re taught in manifold ways that women are either “sluts” or prudes and that while “good girls” don’t embrace sex, we should make like porn-stars in the bedroom. These mixed and untrue messages hurt all of us, including men.
|
Healthy women who embrace their sexuality tend to desire sex freely and, more importantly, lead happier, more gratifying lives. That said, how often we experience or desire sex says nothing of our worth. It’s completely normal to want sex once every month or two, daily or somewhere in between.
So no. You’re not a freak of nature. The aside in your letter about your therapist says a lot. It sounds to me as though you’re fearful that your guy will assume there’s something wrong with you, because she suggested that only traumatized women have a robust sex drive. (Sexual trauma can lead to acting out sexually or fear of intimacy, neither of which seem relevant here.)
Therapist Megan Fleming, PhD, discussed this issue on my podcast recently and said that men shouldn’t be expected to morph into superheroes in the bedroom. (Love that! So true.) Similarly, women shouldn’t be expected to be less-sexual damsels. Our sexuality is unique and worth expressing in whatever healthy ways we wish.
Will you have sex more often as a result? Maybe. But I can almost guarantee that the sex you do have will be more fabulous.
|
Have a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend—not to discuss your history, per say, but your emotions surrounding these issues. Have one with yourself as well. Do you resent him on some level? If so, kick that toxin to the curb. Resentment festers, deepening angst and hurting those we cherish most.
The more honesty and emotional intimacy you cultivate in your relationship, the stronger your physical bond will be. Will you have sex more often as a result? Maybe. But I can almost guarantee that the sex you do have will be more fabulous.
Remember that your sexuality is a gift to embrace and then share, as desired. Don’t expect your guy to fulfill your every sexual need. There’s a heck of a lot of beauty and wonder in self-stimulation and fantasy. Respect both of your needs and preferences, knowing that sexual want and quantity aren’t what make us spectacular people and partners. Care and authenticity do.
Cheering for you,
August
Photo—dollen/Flickr
I wonder what they’re classifying as sex. There is sex and there is intimacy. Would she be satisfied with cuddling? Is it intimacy he doesn’t want in these situations or is it sex? Could he be an introvert and just needs his alone time? If he doesn’t want to full on intercourse, what about oral sex / digital penetration? I agree with the self stimulation advice. I’m just wondering about alternatives.
John
I am sure there are all types of men. Some are happy with cuddling and some tell me they have absolutely no need for sex or physical contact at all and only sleep in the double bed because the wife wants it.
Food ,security , the summer house ,the house ,the home, love and the fact that they live in a family seem to be what some men prefer.
And who knows ,maybe they are the tiny minority among us that define themselves as asexual?
@Julia Byrd Please be imaginative here. I ‘mean sure you’ll grasp it. Lol
“……..and being blessed with great or at least really good sex most of my lifr,”
Well, when you have been blessed with great sex most of your life I guess you have a different perspective. Unlike someone like myself who has had a totally rotten sex life most of my life…
Honestly I really do not understand just what your point above.
Anyhow, how blessed and fortunate you have been in life…
@Julia Byrd OK. I have just always loved sex. Mediocre sex is still good sex. I like the time spent with another person in doing so. It never was only about me, but us at the time, and sometimes that was all there was. Just now, and either never again, or maybe sometimes longer periods. But except for my beginning years I was never selfish about the time spent. I always tried to make sure she had as much fun, right then, as possible, to whatever level she wanted. Sometimes she didn’t care that much and was content in the… Read more »
@ Mark,
“You just feel good being a victim of it all, the drama.”
No, I am do not consider myself a victim at all. I made the decision to marry and stay in for almost 15 years. Gave it my all. Learned a harsh lesson that I shall never repeat. Never again…
Thanks for your encouraging words…
@ Mark,
“All i’my saying is if one partner wants it more than the other partner, then that’s OK too because you get to fill in the inbetweens with what you want too.”
????? God you must be a damn lawyer or something!
Are you saying you “get to fill in the inbetwwens” with other people? You sound like a serial dater?….not judging here. Just trying to figure out what the hell you’re saying.
I have always been a strictly monogamous man. Have no interest in serial dating or casual dating/sex.
BTW. May I ask what you meant by being cursed with a totally rotten sex life all your life? I would find total rejection from all others to be totally rotten, but I couldn’t even say that because sex on my own would be good, so it wasn’t totally rotten. So its really hard for me to relate. If it was total rejection than it wasn’t sex that was missing but interaction with another. That would suckered but again for sex there are always alternatives.
@Maek,
“If i like it i continue. If i don’t i drop it. Simple as that. I don’t really care. We have both romantic and platonic and I care for het, love her a great deal. She’said a great human mix, and be freaking stupid to toss it because of sex. And hence my agreement with august. I can go alone to areas that fulfill my intereat and have a great relationship too.”
???????
Don’t grasp what you are saying here……
Well perdonally, from the vantage point of almost 60, and being blessed with great or at least really good sex most of my lifr, I call bullshit on the platonic versus romantic. My ex and I had really pretty good sex. Unfortunately lots of baggage weighed us down. Great and double great sex with a few, but bottom line didn’t like each well enough to make it work. So there was no real romantic or platonic to be considered. Now my second wife has much lower libido. That’s who she is. There may also be virtuous female upbringing to that… Read more »
@squeek, “If your sexuality is important to you, don’t compromise. It’s way too important.” I agree. When a man decides to RUN!!! we are often castigate for doing so…”How could he leave you over sex….” I love the fact that you noted how sex was the very thing that distinguished romantic vs. platonic relationships…So true. When I saw a sex therapist and/or shrink……they always tried to invalidate how I felt about sex. Specifically, I was told I had “over prioritized” sex….that sex was NOT the foundation of a romantic relationship..blah blah blah. I was in a sexless marriage for over… Read more »
TTO, you didn’t say HOW different your sex drives are, and what the trend is doing. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a man who never wanted any. We were approaching a year without sex when we broke up. Of course there was plenty right at the beginning. But within months, it began to taper off. I kept hoping he’d change, and he said he was trying, but it never happened. In fact, his disintrest got worse. My advice: if he’s losing interest but you’re not, RUN! Run for the hills. Run to other people who match… Read more »
I agree with this completely. However, I would have liked the picture on the article to represent women of all varieties–not just a young punk woman laying flat in a daydreaming manner. Most of my female friends have higher sex drives than their husbands. This includes teachers, women rabbis, female doctors, female construction workers and stay at home moms. Perhaps the woman that wrote in is very young or doesn’t have a lot of female friends to compare notes with.
@MK
“Most of my female friends have higher sex drives than their husbands.”
Interesting…
This is a great read with many insights,
“Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It ” by Bob Berkowitz
Very good points, MK. Ever since I addressed this topic on my blog a couple of years ago, I hear regularly from women who say, “Me too!” And yet, so few women feel it’s normal, much less common. Truly, it is. Thanks so much for weighing in.
You do what men have always done and rub one out when you can’t get sex. It’s so simple.
All I know is I would love to be in a relationship with one of these types of women. A woman who really and truly want to have lots of sex with me…..I guess these types of women are very rare.
I made the horrible mistake of once getting married which is known to kill off a man (or woman) sex life.
Nah. You just got bushwhacked is all. Expected one thing and her idea was something else and you hung in there for better or worse. That was her deal, not yours really. You just feel good being a victim of it all, the drama. Happens. Just try ag agsin, try really hard not to repeat that lesson, get over your hurt, develop a best friend of the opposite sex, as ND you will be surprised what may happen. But don’t give up on yourself
@ Mark,
“You just feel good being a victim of it all, the drama.”
No, I am do not consider myself a victim at all. I made the decision to marry and stay in for almost 15 years. Gave it my all. Learned a harsh lesson that I shall never repeat. Never again…
Thanks for your encouraging words…
Ha. I’m sure you’re not alone there, Kristy! So glad this resonated with you.
Great advice, August. Because I’m uncomfortable posting about this stuff on public forums, I’ll just say that I agree with you. And if I could have multiple husbands instead of the other way around, I’d convert to the Mormon religion in a heartbeat. 😀
Excellent advice. There is nothing in the realm of healthy mind with body sex. You need both for a healthy sexual being Ness of you. This goes for men as well as women. Gosh it would be great if both partners match libido but realistically that’s not the case. So self stimulation is a wonderful opportunity. Especially if one partner likes something that the other partner doesn’t. We all have our likes and dislikes, our preferences in this arena and in my view it would be disconcerting if in the pleasure of self, since the other chooses perhaps to not… Read more »
Well said, Mark. That so many people feel ashamed of self-stimulation says a great deal about our how we view sexuality in our culture.