A modern online peril reveals core differences in gender and mating psychology.
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Any woman who has ever ventured into the world of online dating, or almost any form of modern electronic communication, will tell you that one of their main complaints is that men routinely send them unsolicited pictures of their genitals.
Women understandably complain about this for two main reasons:
First, they really don’t want to see these pics.
Secondly, guys send the pics without asking, often without any explanation or context. Typically, sending such a picture is one of the first communications women receive from these men.
“Men are GROSS!,” is the most common explanation that women have for this.
Others might add, “They’re GROSS and STUPID. Do they really think I’m going to magically want to have sex with them now, after seeing their penis?“
As silly as this issue might seem to be, it offers some genuine opportunity for insight into the ways that modern technology reveals interesting aspects of sexuality and gender.
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This definitely appears to be more of a male thing.
At least, in terms of sending the pictures unrequested. Both males and females are commonly sending nudes of themselves to people they meet online, but women tend to wait until asked. That distinction may simply be an expression of gender differences in mating and dating strategies.
Men notoriously misperceive women’s sexual interest in them and project their own sexual interests and desires onto women. In this situation, men really are hoping and thinking that she’ll be turned on and send them a pic in response.
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The fact is, women are told that being sexually bold in such a manner is shameful and makes them a slut.
There really aren’t any research studies looking at this question, and so all we can do right now is speculate, though with some informed psychological wisdom.
It’s most likely that this behavior represents an aspect of men’s misperception of female sexual interest.
Men love the idea of receiving such pictures from strangers, and they assume women do too. Men notoriously misperceive women’s sexual interest in them and project their own sexual interests and desires onto women. In this situation, men really are hoping and thinking that she’ll be turned on and send them a pic in response.
It’s probable that some of this connects to the fact that in an anonymous environment, people, and especially men, are likely to engage in more sexualized behaviors. Psychological research demonstrates that in anonymous environments, people, both men and women, engage in fairly casual sexual behaviors, including exhibitionism.
Male mating strategies have always included an element of “boldness,” where men who are bold and brash sometimes garner female attention they wouldn’t otherwise receive if they were nice and polite. This is a key tenet behind the Pick-Up Artist strategies, where men are encouraged to be bold and impulsive.
So, the “shock value” is a way for men to get attention. And negative attention is better than no attention at all.
It’s probable that at least some of these men receive a sexual thrill at the idea of an unknown woman seeing their genitalia. It may be an aspect of exhibitionism, and some of these men probably masturbate as a part of the act, imagining that woman seeing the picture they sent. The fact that a woman rejects them for it is not salient, because for many such men, it is the woman’s disgust and rejection which is actually part of the turn-on.
These are likely the same men that used to be in trench coats on street corners. In Ohio, one man was dubbed “The Naked Photographer” because he would jump out and expose his penis to women, then take a photo of their reaction. When he was caught, he later admitted that he would masturbate to the pictures of the women’s reactions.
In an anonymous environment, people, and especially men, are likely to engage in more sexualized behaviors. Psychological research demonstrates that in anonymous environments… both men and women, engage in fairly casual sexual behaviors, including exhibitionism.
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Famous French philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau used to hang his naked buttocks out of alleyways, hoping that some women passersby would spank him for being such a naughty boy.
Men fear sexual rejection, and by sending pics of their genitalia, they are almost getting “pre-approval.” This way, they get the chance of rejection out of the way early, so they don’t have to worry about being rejected or shamed once they drop their pants on a real date.
It’s important to note that within gay male circles, this behavior is very common, and is not viewed as a problem. In fact, many men are happy to get such pictures, and usually respond in kind. That’s important to note, because it offers some confirmation that many men want to receive such pics, and are really hoping their recipient will enjoy it and be turned on.
But, for some reason, whether biology, psychology or social suppression of female sexuality, women don’t enjoy this the way men do.
In a clever twist, one woman started sending men pics of female genitals. She was surprised that overwhelmingly, men loved it, found her boldness both sexy and fun, and wanted to meet her. So, again, we have evidence that men are sending such pictures because they think others will like them, as much as they do.
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Smartphones, texting, email and online dating are the current vehicle for this behavior and sexual dynamic, but let’s not pretend that this is a new issue.
The underlying sexual processes and dynamics have always been with us.
One issue is that men just aren’t good at hearing, or responding to, “No.” I’m not excusing that. But this same dynamic, that men think women are sexually as excited as they are, is getting in the way of men hearing the “No, we DON’T want to see that!“
I do think that this is a particular issue in our society, where nudity is sexualized and taboo…. Ultimately, the answer here lies in greater dialogue between men and women regarding what they actually want in sexual communications.
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There ARE men who’ve gone to jail and been put on sex offender registries for sending such pictures to persons they didn’t know who turned out to be underage. This behavior is sometimes much more serious than we may know.
Many women are genuinely bothered by receiving such pictures and view it as an unwelcome intrusion. Some feminist writers have described this as a form of sexual assault, and a way in which men assert the dominance of their sexuality over that of women. Such pictures can be a form of sexual harassment when they occur in a work/professional environment.
I empathize with the women who are offended and grossed out at receiving such images. Women, and all people, should be able to have some safe spaces. Unfortunately, safety on the Internet is hard to come by.
I do think that this is a particular issue in our society, where nudity is sexualized and taboo. I wonder if women have as strong a reaction in societies where intersex nudity is common in bathing and beaches?
Ultimately, the answer here lies in greater dialogue between men and women regarding what they actually want in sexual communications.
This might reach some of these men, those who are genuinely not understanding some sexual differences—but, this requires for women to have the safety to be honest about their sexual interests.
For instance, could women ever say, “Look, I probably would like to see your penis pic, but I’d like to be able to ask for it first…”?
The shaming and suppression of female sexuality is part of the issue here, as men don’t feel they understand what women actually want sexually, and women don’t feel they can express it safely.
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Unfortunately, I don’t think such dialogue is happening, or even possible right now.
People who are offended and grossed out at such images would like them banned. They want men to understand that such behaviors are rude, unacceptable and should simply stop. Many women have tried attacking such men, flaming and shaming them, both online and in personal communications. But such strategies probably won’t work.
A tenet of psychology is that negative reinforcement is still reinforcement.
The more uproar, outrage and disgust that such pics get, the more powerful some men feel. They feel some pride that their penis generated this strong reaction. So, shaming, banning, flaming strategies are unlikely to be successful. A better strategy is to ignore it. I know that probably feels unsatisfying. But if we remove as much of the reinforcement, including negative attention, many of these men might view this behavior as ultimately unrewarding.
It’s important that women, and men, understand that this behavior, even when it feels distasteful and rude, is not personal. It’s not actually about you, the person receiving these pics. This dynamic, silly as it can be, is not proof that men are disgusting perverts and women are prudes. This behavior reveals some core differences between men and women’s sexual personalities, and that men need to work harder at understanding women’s actual sexual interests and motivations.
The more we engage in open dialogue about these issues and sexual motivations and miscommunications, the better.
This article originally appeared on PsychologyToday.com.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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Actually, there are plenty of gay man who are easily offended and disgusted by receiving dick pics.
It’s baffling to me that men think that sending a picture of their penis will impress a woman. For most women, what a man’s penis looks like is completely irrelevant. I am far more likely to be turned on by a man who can string two sentences together. That is sadly rare in the world of online dating.
“Here is what I am curious to know: what percentage of men actually engage in this sort of conduct? I have never done it. I have never sent any woman a nude pic of myself or any body part. Never. Frankly, I really find it hard to imagine just why so many men do it. ” —————— Same, and having a real hard time getting my head around this one. I’m also wondering how wide spread it is. Is it that many, or urban legend built upon itself. I’ve heard from women that argue they have received a dozen or… Read more »
Here is what I am curious to know: what percentage of men actually engage in this sort of conduct? I have never done it. I have never sent any woman a nude pic of myself or any body part. Never. Frankly, I really find it hard to imagine just why so many men do it. Brett Farve, the NFL Hall of Fame and former Green Bay Packer QB, did this to a woman he was trying to bed who covered the NY Jets. I am a huge fan of Brett Farve. But, when this was revealed I lost a lot… Read more »
I always thought men sent them so they could demand a sexy picture in return. It never occurred to me that they may be wanking over my disgust.
The female body is far more attractive to men, than the male body is to women. This is proven by how many men still get turned on by seeing nudes of women whereas the reverse can actually bother a woman and not as many get turned on. Maybe there is truth to the idea that initially women have much higher standards of physical attraction to men were more men are ugly to women than the reverse, and that it takes time for a woman to be attracted to his personality, chemistry etc which then makes his physical looks more attractive… Read more »
I have never sent a pic of my genitals and never will.
Yet somehow Tom, if it were someone sending Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum pics of their ‘privates’, Somehow I just don’t see the same ‘revolution’!
… yet many women don’t like people setting them up with friends.
Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can. Why do men do this kind of thing? Because they can. It’s coincidence that just the other day I was speaking our female Art Therapist who is turning 30 and appears to see no prospects in the near much less distant future. She explained that she’d been on a couple of these sites and there were a few guys that looked promising. Sadly, for no reason she could figure out, they sent her pics of their privates. What the hell is going on? I’ll tell ya, I’m tempted to couple up… Read more »
Honestly, David, I can see the explanation that you are putting forth. I can grasp the explanation. I get that women are different, and I get that gay guys enjoy it. That all makes sense. What does not is how a full grown, heterosexual man can wander through life, and not find at all, clue one as to what women do or do not like, or what a modicum of decency entails. I mean, it is beyond me that one believes that he has a shot at getting a date by exposing himself unsolicited….especially after just a few attempts. I… Read more »
Like the author said, gay men do it all the time and they aren’t offended by it. Women can (and do) send unsolicited pictures as well to men, but unlike most women, men enjoy getting pictures like that from women and are less likely to be offended by it, (which is why you never hear men making a stink about women sending them unsolicited pics.) This is also true of sexual harassment in general. A woman can make inappropriate sexual comments to a male coworker and chances are, he’ll like it and won’t be offended.by it. If it’s a man… Read more »