What women do we love? Let’s think about that for a minute.
For some time, Esquire—tag line: “Man at His Best”—has featured a section called “Women We Love.” I went online to see some of the women “men at their best” are in love with.
The eight all-time (stretching back to 2002) most loved women are Kate Beckinsale, Megan Fox, Katy Perry, Christina Hendricks, Anna Torv, Angelina Jolie, Beau Garrett, and Monica Bellucci. In the thumbnail preview shots, two of the women appear to be putting at least one finger in their mouths, one is lying in bed seductively, one is wearing a wet T-shirt, and one has her lips parted suggestively. Only Angelina’s image suggests some kind of self-respect.
I click on bustier-clad Katy Perry and skip down to the interview, trying to ignore Ms. Perry in full black lingerie, complete with garter belt. After all, this is about man at his best; there must be something serious here that we all love so much.
Ah, here it is: “I always wanted to suspend from the ceiling in a twirling banana,” Katy tells Esquire.
I’m done. I close the browser window and stare out the window.
Who are the men Esquire‘s talking about? What is it that we love about these women? Their twirling-banana-swing fantasies? Their factory-fresh “breasts”? Their naughty smiles? Are those things truly what men at their best love about women?
When Hanna Rosin wrote about “The End of Men” in The Atlantic, she pointed to the fact that women represent the majority of the workforce for the first time in U.S. history, and that for every two men who get a college degree this year, three women will do the same. But there is something more basic going on.
In media and culture, men are increasingly caricatured as knuckle-dragging cartoon characters, particularly when it comes to how we view women and sexuality. And by whom? Men, of course. It’s not women running the strip clubs, porn websites, and editing spreads in Esquire. We have an enemy—and the enemy is us.
♦◊♦
The popularity of Esquire’s “Women We Love” section gets down to the very core of what has happened to guys in 2011. We have allowed our manhood, the nuanced truth of who we really are, to be stolen from us. If Rosin is right that men are doomed, it’s for this reason.
Yes, we are the minority in the workplace and at college—but that’s because our motivations and meaning in our lives have been scrambled by popular culture, which mandates that the thing we really should want, the thing that will prove we are the alpha males, has turned out to be hollow, addicting, and spirit-crushing. While we watch football and stare at Megan Fox, women in this country are getting shit done.
Put more bluntly, I am talking about the difference between masturbating and making love. “Women We Love” aims at the former, focusing on naked pictures of improbably shaped, unattainable movie stars who play dumb for our satisfaction. (I suspect that Katy Perry is quite bright, bananas aside. And largely, it’s not the women’s fault they appear so vacuous.)
Most of the guys I know are unfulfilled looking at pictures of women they will never meet (not only are they unmeetable, they don’t actually, technically, exist). They prefer making love with a woman who stirs their passions on more than one level. But we have been conditioned like so many Pavlovian dogs.
Yes, good men love women. But we love women in all their complexity, for the things they do, for their intelligence, their wit, their athleticism, their creativity, their power, their force of personality. We seem to have forgotten that along the way, and our brain-numbing intoxication by pornography in all its forms threatens to end us—not because it is morally wrong but just because it distracts us from the truth and scatters our power. It’s one big acid trip fantasy with no connection to improving our lives, being good fathers and husbands, and advancing our careers.
The models I have met in the flesh have all turned out to be quite unattractive. When a supposedly beautiful woman opens her mouth and soulless, empty nonsense tumbles out, the perfect 10 becomes a two in a big hurry. No amount of cleavage can make up for the lack of soul.
My wife is a lawyer turned decorator turned child advocate. Yes, she is hot—but she is also smarter than I am, far more graceful in a crowd, and can convince just about anyone to do just about anything when it comes to helping at-risk children. She is hot not just because she is beautiful, but because she is all those other things, too.
So with no further ado, here is MY list of the women men love, if we actually stopped to think about it. These are women who are fascinating, cool, and lovable. They have it going on—and not because they might (or might not) want to suspend from the ceiling in a twirling banana.
- Chelsea Handler
- Melinda Gates
- Jhumpa Lahiri
- Kate Middleton
- Gwyneth Paltrow
- Patti Stanger
- Steffi Graf
- Lady Gaga
- Michelle Obama
- Laura Hillenbrand
- Portia de Rossi
- Senator Kirsten Gillibrand
Esquire, how about switching it up and working off my list for a change of pace? And let’s not ask any of these women we love to wear black garter belts for the photo shoot, OK? Let’s focus on what’s really important for once.
♦ ♦ ♦
Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
great article! I’d disagree however with this statement about porn… “not because it is morally wrong but just because it distracts us from the truth and scatters our power. It’s one big acid trip fantasy with no connection to improving our lives, being good fathers and husbands, and advancing our careers.” I would say that it is for these reasons precisely that it is indeed morally wrong. It destroys people. This statement seems to say to me that we are afraid of upsetting people in a pluralistic society by assuming that anything is morally wrong. Follow this line of thinking… Read more »
Wow, Jhumpa Lahiri is beautiful. Her neck and shoulders are exquisite. Hair up off the back of the neck is very sexy. Excellent choice for a photo. Yay, reform!
I’d like to see a different Boolean: how about “Cleavage AND Soul”?
Esquire’s thumbnails are also not doing any favors for people who may be most attracted to other physical attributes not shown from those angles. Waist-up from the front doesn’t necessarily show what all hetero men find pleasant to look at. Does the magazine assume every man is a “breast man”? I like a good kneecap. Show me a sexy patella.
“Show me a sexy patella”
A+
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I agree with your basic proposition–that a woman’s soul is more important than her boob size. But your article is badly written and also sexist. You write: “In the thumbnail preview shots, two of the women appear to be putting at least one finger in their mouths, one is lying in bed seductively, one is wearing a wet T-shirt, and one has her lips parted suggestively. Only Angelina’s image suggests some kind of self-respect.” Since when did posing sexily for a camera mean lack of self-respect? Oh right, when the guy looking at the photo has a madonna-whore complex. Because… Read more »
My understanding of his issues (in particular the issue of the way that the women have posed for the camera) is simple. The women in those photos demonstrate a lack of self-respect not because they are fully in charge of their sexuality but rather because they are owned by it. If those photos were meant to define those women, as they undoubtedly were, then they come to represent women whose only gifts are sexually charged. Why not a picture of Katy Perry on stage if what they love so dearly about her is her performance? Why not place the most… Read more »
But, while Lady Gaga is not my cup of tea either (and my following comments may be completely wrong) my impression is that Lady Gaga is not just about music, the same way serious graphic novels or movies are not about just the visuals or just the story or just the audio, but about the synergi of all that makes that medium. Lady Gaga, as far as I have understood it, is essentially Visual Kei with brains: not just brainless music/lyrics, not just flashy and provocative visuals, but a kind of art stemming in the combination of interesting music/lyrics and… Read more »
I usually don’t comment, but I found this article fascinating. Your article basically says men are good when they are more masculine, good women make men more masculine and, therefore, good men. It also says basically that men get to define what is a good woman. A BAD woman is SEXUAL. even though she is getting paid to be sexual by men, has encouraged to be sexual by men and generally lives the life she does because men think she is attractive. So, men create bad women. GOOD women as defined by you, are not sexual but are hot &… Read more »
I have no problem with men consuming porn. None at all. I do have a problem though… there isn’t a single magazine by & for men… that actually extols the virtues of women for anything except their ass. Not a single lad mag or even ‘higher class’ mag has a single article on a woman who has achieved something that has nothing to do with her tits or ass. In fact… the opposite is true. You will find nearly all portrayals of intrepid, intellectual women who fall short of Megan Fox looks will be negative. Name calling and derision is… Read more »
I don’t understand the belligerent attitudes of some of the male posters. They seem sincerely affronted and hurt, as if they are being attacked. However, they are the first to defend such mediums like porn that more times then not, debase women based on the value of their body parts and call then four letter names. So to the men that have become belligerent about this article, why is it okay to get off to material that simplifies and sexualizes women to the degree that it’s okay to call us b*tches or sl*ts but it’s not okay to call men… Read more »
Porn is not the problem. People have sexual desires, and there are extremely attractive people willing to use their bodies to help people satisfy their sexual desires, and they do this with their bodies. The problem is not with porn, the problem is that that attitude extends far beyond porn. The problem is with Hollywood and the music industry, who would lead us to believe that only beautiful women have talents worthy of our attention. The problems is with a culture that deems it not masculine to admire a women for doing things that are traditionally considered male fields (this… Read more »
“Also I enjoy how Timothy has resigned himself to a life of persecution and rejection despite being in his early twenties. I didn’t meet my partner until my mid-twenties – stop being such a baby.”
Judging from this, you’re someone in his mid 30’s, early 40’s, who doesn’t know just how worse off young men are nowadays compared to even 10 years ago. Please do not lecture me.
And what if the “shit that women are getting done” is just as “hollow, addicting, and spirit-crushing” as that that men despair of? Modern capitalist wage slavery is happy to exploit all of us.
This article is stupid and full of FAIL on so many different levels. Let’s start with the “end of men” nonsense. The fact is, we live in a misogynist world ruled by powerful men, and have for the past 5,000 years. Men still control government, the armed forces, corporate America, the business world as a whole and just about every field of endeavor in our society. There may be more women college grads, but that’s because a woman needs a college degree to be paid the same salary that a man with a high school diploma would receive (factor in… Read more »
Hi Gregory A Butler – So are you saying that it’s actually a better world where women have to work twice as hard then a man just to get the same pay-off for doing the same job? I guess it’s okay as long as women aren’t taking over the world huh? And men can be twice as lazy and get the same jobs while women keep on challengaing themselves to work harder just got a chance at something a man just has to sit back and get just because he is a man? Sure seems like you think that’s a… Read more »
Way to completely misinterpret that post. Does it sound like he thinks it’s good that women have to work harder for the same pay? Also, it’s a fact that women aren’t taking over the world. Regardless of whether you think it would be a good or bad thing if they did (I think it wouldn’t make a bit of difference) it doesn’t change the fact that men still have the most control over the course of events in the world.
Thoughtful and well done, Tom.
I’m going to go way out on a limb here and nominate some smart and lovely women that are at the top of my list: Ann Coulter, Mary Katherine Ham, S.E Cupp, Monica Crowley, and Laura Ingraham.
And here’s one for the libs, Judith Woodruff, a smokin’ hot babe who went to jail to protect a source during the Plame scandal.
Just saying…
Nice list 🙂
Ann Coulter- Really? Sure you may admire her political stance but do you really think you could co-habit the same dwelling as her for long?
I should be so lucky
So sorry, the fox I was talking about is named Judy Miller, not Woodruff. Thanks, Sandy.
Good to see there’s still some respect. The stereotype that so many women see of men is not a positive one. The one thing I’m confused about is why Anna Torv isn’t on the latter list.
Hey Tom? Why don’t you do some articles about how ‘good men’ like me get hated on and abused endlessly by so called ‘good women’ for having the termerity to tell our wives that are no longer welcome to steal from the family finances and lie to their husbands? And how about you write some articles about how ‘good men’ get 5% of the proceeds of their 25 years of labour while ‘wifey’ gets 95% and how ALL the women support that? How about you write some articles about the crimes being committed in the Family Courts against ‘good men’?… Read more »
Tom,
“We have an enemy—and the enemy is us”
No Tom. Men like me have an enemy all right. And the enemy is man-hating, white knighting, mangina apologists like you.
well said Peter !!
Pussified manginas like Tom Matlack needs to lear what its like to be a MAN…something this dude no nothing about !!!!
ah yes, being a ‘man’ is all about using capital letters and anti-woman language. i see your emotional growth stunted at the age of thirteen.
How telling that today’s instalment of male self-flagellation on “Good Men Project” clumsily stumbles around the landscape of male sexual objectification of women, but has no difficulty knowing exactly when to make a U-turn when it crosses the border into the much more fertile land of female sexual objectification of men. Many men see women as objects of sex, when the man’s physical attraction for a woman is based on her reproductive fitness: youth, red lips, long neck, high cheekbones, curvy body,large breasts, firmness of behind, etc — all secondary indicators of fertility. Many women see men as objects of… Read more »
I am a young man in his early 20’s. I was lied to all my life, told that if I studied hard and become a productive member of society, that I will be able to find a loving woman to make my wife, and have children. I knew as I got older that society – especially my parents – were essentially selling me into slavery as a beast of burden, but I felt it was worth it if I can carry on my legacy (genes) through my children, since a stable nuclear family is the best way to raise them.… Read more »
i’m guessing you also consider yourself to be one of these ‘nice guys’ women hate. let me let you in on a secret – you really don’t seem like a nice guy. frankly, you have a chip on your shoulder the size of a city. and you’re arrogant and condescending. that would be why women would dislike someone like you – you are the douchebag.
As a “nice guy” in a long-term relationship with an intelligent, hot woman, I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest you guys are talking out of your asses.
Also I enjoy how Timothy has resigned himself to a life of persecution and rejection despite being in his early twenties. I didn’t meet my partner until my mid-twenties – stop being such a baby.
Actually, I wasn’t one of those quote unquote “nice guys”, who tried to manipulate women by pretending to be nice to them so I can get into their pants. I was actually raised to be… wait for it… a nice person. I treated women with the kindness and respect that I thought they wanted. Turns out, that doesn’t work.
Also, thanks for the shaming language, wouldn’t be a female response without several. Although you did forget to criticize my penis size.
“women’s hypermany causes them to only go after the top 20% of the male population, leaving most men with nothing.” You accuse women of that while guys have club language for when their friend “takes the fall” by doing what? Sleeping with an ugly or comparatively unattractive girl so his friend can score. I think women are shallow, but it’s ridiculous to say they’re more shallow than men. It’s considered shameful for a man to sleep with an ugly girl. Human beings are shallow, and I don’t doubt that many guys have learned that the hard way, but to completely… Read more »
Also, you know what? Women can have the job market. I’d much rather be a SAHD than deal with the public/employers/employees any day.
Let them do the forty hours a week 9-5 grind until they’re 65 for the next couple hundred years, see if they still like it.
Yeah, as usual. Women have a problem? it’s men’s fault. Men have a problem? It’s men’s fault.
I cut off my testicles and sent them to Amanda Marcotte, the Duke rape accuser apologist.
I hope you feel better now, and hate yourself more for being a horrible male.
“Only Angelina’s image suggests some kind of self-respect.”
This seems to presuppose that when a woman is trying to be sexy for men she is suddenly stripped of her self respect.. Given the absurd, not to mention feminist, nature of this assumption I refuse to read any further.
Despite the fact that you use “feminist” as a negative, which itself is absurd and fyi, a totally inaccurate way to describe the statement made, I actually agree with your contention. A woman being sexy or trying to be sexy does not indicate a lack of self respect. This comes from some weird notion that sex is dirty, which we all know is not the case. The term self-respect is kind of stupid anyway–we are inherently self-interested and are ALWAYS acting in our own desires, even if it doesn’t seem that way to others.
I’m so confused.
I found this article to be a complete joke. The basis is the false assumption that preferring a beautiful women inherently excludes charm, grace, intelligence, and depth from the equation. Additionally, it comes very close to the traditional cry by the rejected in the dating pool which emphasizes other qualities as having a higher value than beauty. Then the author submits an arbitrary list of “desirable women” headed by the queen of late-night skanky pop-culture television. Most of all, I enjoyed the massive airbrushing they did on that picture to make their token Indian appear Caucasian and/or beautiful.
This is great, I can see Beau Garrett’s nipples in the picture at the top. “women represent the majority of the workforce for the first time in U.S. history, and that for every two men who get a college degree this year, three women will do the same.” There is an education gap starting at a very young age. Girls are ahead of boys from the start, the gap gets bigger through high school, and ultimately far fewer boys than girls go to college. You seem to be implying that this is the result of porn. There is already a… Read more »