Yes, Some Women Only Go For A**holes

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Everyday Feminism

Everyday Feminism supports people dealing with everyday violence, dominance, and silencing due to their gender, sexual orientation, race, class, and more. Through our online magazine and upcoming online school for applied feminism, we help people apply feminism to their real lives in order to work through issues, stand up for themselves, and live their truth. Follow us on Facebook or Twitter!


  1. PursuitAce says:

    I may have missed it in the many comments, but it needs to be said again. Bad boys are bad for a reason. They’re the ones doing most of the misogyny, sexual harassment, sexual assaults, and domestic violence. Just keep that in mind when you’re going for the next bad boy. I’d rather not pick up another badly beaten young women by the side of the road asking me that question that I just can’t answer. “Why did he do this?”

  2. Boy, threads like this actually make me appreciate the fact that I’m old! So, if I grasp today’s lesson, if you’re a ‘nice guy’ in your early 20′s , just hang in there, spend your weekends with ‘Rosie’ and her 5 sisters and eventually, in 10 years or so, when the girls are ready to settle down, they’ll be checking you out! No thanks. I think I’ll just be an ‘asshole and ‘get some’ now if you don’t mind!

  3. This whole article is absurd. The author of this article seems to be firmly determined to place to take put the responsiblity of women making bad choices in men and following consequences on the shoulder of men and society in general. If women are going for those not so nice gentlemen, (who are being referred to an orifice at the rear of a certain beast of burden), and are suffering as a consequence of it, then they have only themselves to blame. Society is not forcing or even encouraging them to do so, on the contrary, in lot of circumstances parents and friends warn the concerned lady about the consequeces of doing it.

    Nice guys must not trust what they hear from girls but what they do. The only solution for the guys is “caveat emptor” i.e buyer beware. A girl is free to do whatever kind of relationship they want which whatever kind of man she wants. She must face good or bad consequences for her decision. Guys do not have to care about it or feel pity for them. You are not born to please anybody but yourself. “They that sow the wind, shall reap the whirlwind.”

  4. John Schtoll says:

    There is another reason some women choose “A$$holes”. They know the guy is an a$$hole and know he will act like it in public and she will get to play the victim and get to pour her heart out to her friends about how much she is hurt. One of my wifes friends is like this.

  5. I consider myself a bit of a connoisseur of stories written online, mostly because I’m a masochist and love to torture myself, I guess. Most of these stories (I don’t suffer through fanfiction, God, I don’t hate myself that much) are written by a younger demographic than me, teenage girls mostly.

    We have some seriously poisonous ways we look at dating in our culture. I wrote a story about a drug lord and a woman he hires as his escort. He treats her like crap. He hits her. He degrades her. He orders her bodyguard to beat her up when her bodyguard briefly left her side to attend his ailing wife. Seriously, he is straight up pure evil. And I have documented all the reviews asking me: “When is he gonna turn good?” “He must love her, I know it!” “When is she going to change him?” And these came AFTER he physically struck her . . . when she wanted to get off drugs. Because drugs were a way he controlled her.

    So i started putting all these reviews together ( proof–> ) and I got kind of sick to my stomach, reading all of them. These are teenage girls, convinced it’s still a love story when the man is physically assaulting the woman they want him to “love”. Because in our culture, women are taught that they can change men. With their love or some hogwash. Take an abusive man and through the power of sex and devotion, turn him into a loving dream man!

    My personal experience with women has never been this. In real life, the women I befriend have absolutely no interest in men who are jerks (though most of them don’t have much interest in dating in general). That’s why my initial reaction to “ALL WOMEN WANT JERKS” is “Wow, bitter much?” But then I go back and I look at the reviews on this story that I wrote, and I see it. I see what men are saying. I see there are a whole crapload of girls out there who do this. I don’t know how many full grown, mature women do it, but damn, do teenage girls have some f”ed up views on how love works. Pick up any romance novel and it’s all there. I love reading romance but usually cannot because of all the poisonous crap that gets written down.

    I actually think the answer to this problem is more feminism–teaching girls what abuse looks like and how jealousy, possessiveness, and paranoia are NOT sexy in any shape or form. But in the meantime, I’ll just avoid all those types of people altogether and be happy with what I got– non-jerks.

    • @wanda
      “I love reading romance but usually cannot because of all the poisonous crap that gets written down.”
      You wouldn’t mean like that hyper-popular ’50 Shades of Gray’ series , would you?

  6. I’m not exactly sure what constitutes the definition of a “bad boy” these days, but I will say this: In my experience good boys, bad boys, middle-of-the-road boys, preppies, jocks, goth dudes, whatever–no man ever gets laid without paying a price. The same can be said of women. Every sexual encounter comes with a consequence for one or the other or both partners, no matter how casual the intent. I’ve caused suffering, experienced suffering, contributed to the suffering of someone I had no idea would be affected by an encounter–a boyfriend back home, a husband, a friend left alone on a night of promised catching up. NSA is not a reality. No Visible Strings Attached, No Seemingly Important Strings Attached: that’s more like it.

    Once a man reaches a certain age–let’s say manhood–he becomes more away of these things. I for one am not willing to spend the time leading on a perfectly decent woman I’m going to run from in the morning. No bueno. If a man–or woman–of a certain age can’t tell when a potential sex partner has un-shared longer term ambitions, or can tell but doesn’t care, that person is not an adult in my book.

    I can think of no better argument for legalizing prostitution. Unionize or go solo, but always know the cops will show up if things go wrong. Legalize. A person’s body and carnal talents should be his or hers to sell as he or her chooses. Period. Most of the rest of the world seems to think so. Why are Americans such damn prudes?

  7. wellokaythen says:

    [I don’t know if anyone’s said this yet. I haven’t read all the comments.]

    People may be getting the cause and effect backwards. Maybe it’s not that assholes/bitches are more attractive, it’s that attractive people are more likely to become assholes/bitches.

    On some level, some people are just inherently attractive, maybe even independently of how they behave. Maybe it’s physiology, symmetry, pheromones, psychic vibration, whatever. I know, being sexy is supposed to be about confidence, and everyone is supposed to be beautiful, and attraction is socially/culturally constructed, all the feel-good things we tell the young and impressionable, but some people are born good-looking. This will no doubt have a big effect on how they see themselves and how they relate to other people. Assholes/bitches are made, not born.

    People who know from a young age that they are good-looking are more likely to become arrogant. Being pretty or handsome doesn’t automatically make you a jerk, but you’re more likely to get away with being a butthead because you’re good-looking. You have some degree of privilege to be an asshole compared to less attractive people. So, maybe women are attracted to assholes because women are attracted to attractive men, and these attractive men have learned to become assholes as a result. Assholishness/bitchiness may be an indirect byproduct of the fact that the person is already attractive.

    You can see this phenomenon all the time on a very small scale. When a man who’s not conventionally attractive suddenly experiences a little success in the dating world, he may start to act a little cocky. Even just a little success can go to your head. You would think that a man like that would just be modestly grateful for his good fortune, but that’s not usually how the mind works. Just a little ego-boosting in your love life can make you super-confident, even overconfident.

    If this theory is true, then suddenly acting like an asshole will not necessarily increase your attractiveness. If you haven’t had much dating/mating success at this point, becoming a jerk will probably not help you much.

    Just a theory, anyway.

    • wellokaythen says:

      My message was a little heteronormative, now that I think about it. I wonder if there is a similar phenomenon within same-sex dating — men attracted to “bad boys”, women attracted to “bad girls”? How much is the dynamic there the same and how is it different?


  1. [...] feminist decided to tackle this question. Melissa A. Fabello wrote a piece about it, stating: It happens invariably – and innocently enough – the question that makes all [...]

Speak Your Mind