Society’s expectations of manliness can cause men to keep their passions in the closet.
Here’s a hypothetical scene from a movie or commercial that you’ve probably seen over and over. A group of ‘bros’ are hanging out when one of their phones rings with the soaring vocals of a Celine Dion song. The guilty guy acts embarrassed and tries to offer an explanation before getting teased by his buddies. I’ve seen variations on this scene played out in popular media numerous times.
Every man has at least one guilty pleasure. A hobby, interest, or memento that he loves in secret for fear of what others would think of him if they found out. It might be a movie he loves or a childhood keepsake he can’t let go of. While men and women both have guilty pleasures, men may have more due to society’s narrow expectations of masculinity.
For example, my guilty pleasure is Bath & Bodyworks products. It started a few winters ago when I used my wife’s cinnamon bun scented lotion for the first time. Despite how good it smelled on her, I resisted using it for several months because I was stuck on the idea that it was for women. Even in the privacy of my own home, I felt embarrassed about using a product marketed for women.
Now I use “our” lotion daily, even though you won’t catch me admitting that to another man. The few women I’ve told about my guilty pleasure have informed me that their husbands use their scented lotions too. I would never know that though because it isn’t something men typically talk about with one another.
A large motivator for men keeping their guilty pleasures secret is shame caused by the imposed expectations on men to meet a certain ideal of manhood. When shopping at Bath & Bodyworks, employees always presume that I am shopping for my wife and offer to help me find a product for her. The company’s advertising implies that their products are for women too. For example, a recent advertisement stated that an in-store event was perfect for “a girl’s day out.” I understand who their main customer base is, but some guys do like to smell like fruit or candy!
If you pay attention to men in your life, they will sporadically and accidently disclose their guilty pleasures to you. The husband of a couple I know was teased by his wife a few months ago in front of my wife and I about having Ke$ha on his iPod. His face turned red and he replied defensively to me, “Don’t act like you don’t have her on your iPod, too.” I recently found out two men I work with love to knit. When I mentioned it to one of the men, he appeared to be embarrassed that I knew about his hobby.
The concept of men having guilty pleasures really stems from the nature v. nurture debate related to gender. How much do biological aspects of gender, such as testosterone, influence a man’s hobbies or entertainment interests? Do men like sports because they are men or because that is what they are taught is acceptable for their gender? Why does having a penis make it unacceptable to like a certain beauty product or extracurricular activity?
Personally, I feel that gender expectations are almost entirely socially constructed. Sometime, somewhere, someone said that blue was a boy color and pink was a girl color. Society at large has decided what is acceptable for men and women. A man can often feel uncomfortable or unsure of his masculinity if he does not fit into those acceptable categories created by society.
I’ve noted that the lines of gender have begun to blur over the last decade, but I still feel that we need to continue to move forward. I recall when I was in high school in the early 2000s, a male would still get made fun of if he wore pink. Many men (including me) now wear pink as a standard color in their wardrobe. Compared to the past, men will now more openly admit to pampering themselves with manicures, waxing, and exfoliating treatments. Speaking of waxing, let’s not forget that the term “manscaping” has become a common phrase in popular culture.
My concern about men having to fit into a mold of masculinity is the manner in which it can socially isolate those men who don’t check off every item on the list of acceptable masculine traits. These men can feel shame and embarrassment from an early age that continues into adulthood. As these men have a difficult time trusting and opening up to other men, they deny themselves of the satisfaction that can come from being completely authentic with themselves and others. I hope that future generations of boys and men will experience that authenticity and freedom as society rids itself of oppressing gender stereotypes for both sexes.
—Photo shawncampbell/Flickr
On my first read, I instinctively felt this guilty pleasure issue is about homophobia… cinnamon lotion is too gay for a man. But thinking more deeply, I see these gender roles deeply rooted in gay men (I’m in the club) as well. It takes a solid sense of self and a lot of security to let go of what we as men are supposed to enjoy as defined by our culture.
“Personally, I feel that gender expectations are almost entirely socially constructed.”
Personally, I think that gender expectations are BS. Period. 8)
I’m “man enough” to do what I like, regardless if it’s seen as feminine or masculine. I wear pink and lilac, I cry at movies, I cuddle, I talk about feelings, and so on.
It’s true society has to change, but we must be the first to express our true self with no shame and no fear.
Pity the man who lives accordingly to other’s expectations.
Gender bias is as much, if not more, a personal problem than a societal problem. I agree that society places boundaries and “acceptable standards” upon both genders, and guides those habits through social engineering via marketing and entertainment. But it is ultimately our choice to stay within those roles and feel shameful of the characteristics that are not engendered to our sex role. It is our own insecurity that allows the judgement of others to affect us in such a personal way that we hide our opposing gender traits. I personally eschewed from feeling ashamed by my feminine traits starting… Read more »
We are all born with feminine and masculine traits. When we only focus on the “right” ones for our gender, we deny part of ourselves. This has profound implications for intimate relationships and needs to be challenged constantly so we are able to connect more intimately with our partners.
Personally, I find it rather endearing when men show interests in traditionally feminine activities. For some reason I associate men like that as being more secure and well-rounded. By contrast, the guys I have known who eschew everything feminine on the grounds of it being a threat to their masculinity seem a bit off-putting.
Agree 100%. I am very attracted to my husband in part because of the way he expresses his gender. He has no interest in following professional sports, and the only sport he plays himself is golf. He works out not to bulk up, but for his health (and, I suspect, because he knows I’m a fan of well-toned arms). His major passion is homebrewing, which I suppose is “masculine” because beer is “masculine.” He got just as immersed in Sex & The City and Project Runway as I did, for a short time. He absolutely dotes on our dog and… Read more »
…He’s done yoga with me in the past (and I’d say yoga is “feminine” in the same way beer is “masculine” – not inherently or exclusively, just by association)…
yoga is considered to be feminine, thats interesting.
is that the general feeling of your age group (early to mid20s) in the usa, or just specific to your area?
was yoga feminine 20yrs+ ago in the usa?
It’s actually very interesting about the colors. In the 19th century, both boys and girls in their infancy wore white dresses (basically). Then somewhere along the lines pink became a color for boys because it was a watered-down version of red and blue became a color for girls. Then after WWII the colors switched. I haven’t exactly found out the reason for this in the research I did when I wrote a gender-based paper in one of my college classes, but I mostly concluded marketing was at play. You can make more money by dividing clothes along gender lines than… Read more »
Thanks for the background info on the history of gender colors Amber. I’ll have to do some research. When my wife and I were expecting our first, but didn’t know the sex we tried to buy a gender neutral clothing item and had a really hard time. I agree that companies have done that to make more money.
this article about gender colours will be interesting …For example, a June 1918 article from the trade publication Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department said, “The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.” Other sources said blue was flattering for blonds, pink for brunettes; or blue was for blue-eyed babies, pink for brown-eyed babies, according to Paoletti. In 1927, Time magazine printed a chart showing sex-appropriate… Read more »
Perhaps it has something to do with an Anglo influence on American culture? In the days when Britain had a huge global empire, Britain and all its colonial possessions were always colored pink on the British maps of the world. Perhaps there was some association with superiority, vigor, prosperity, the march of fair-skinned civilization or some other such idea.
Maybe WWII itself was the key turning poing — all those men in the navy or otherwise wearing blue for military reasons. I know for years after WWII, there was a trend of painting things gray and olive drab, mostly because of all the cheap surplus paint out there at the end of the war. It wouldn’t surprise me if the pink/blue shift had something to do with changes in the cost or supply of various colors because of the war.