What century does Ann Romney live in? Two million Dads are full time parents, too, and we know it can be an ass whipping.
Last night at the Republican National Convention, Ann Romney gave a speech. By all accounts she hit it out of the park. The transcript is available on line this morning. You can read the entire speech here.
But I’d like to note the section that came in the middle of her speech. Because I think it says a lot about the narratives the drive a particularly antiquated and divisive view of parenting and care giving in America.
In her speech Ann said:
“Sometimes, I think that, late at night, if we were all silent for just a few moments and listened carefully, we could hear a collective sigh from the moms and dads across America who made it through another day, and know that they will make it through another one tomorrow. But in the end of that day moment, they are just aren’t sure how.
And if you listen carefully, you’ll hear the women sighing a little bit more than the men. It’s how it is, isn’t it? It’s the moms who have always had to work a little harder to make everything right. It’s the mom’s of this nation, single, married, widowed, who really hold the country together. We’re the mothers. We’re the wives. We’re the grandmothers. We’re the big sisters. We’re the little sisters and we are the daughters.
You know it’s true, don’t you?”
She goes on the say:
“You (moms) are the ones that have to do a little bit more and you know what it is like to earn a little bit harder earn the respect you deserve at work and then you come home to help with the book report just because it has to be done. You know what those late-night phone calls with an elderly parent are like, and those long weekend drives just to see how they’re doing.
You know the fastest route to the local emergency room and which doctors actually answers the phone call when you call at night, and by the way, I know all about that.
You know what it is like to sit in that graduation ceremony and wonder how it was that so many long days turned into years that went by so quickly. You are the best of America…You are the hope of America. There would not be an America without you. Tonight, we salute you and sing your praises!
(APPLAUSE)
I am not sure if men really understand this, but I don’t think there is a woman in America who really expects her life to be easy. In our own ways, we all know better. You know what, and that’s fine. We don’t want easy.”
And so it goes…
♦◊♦
This message was carefully crafted. After months of massive GOP missteps on birth control and rape, Ann Romney’s job was to reach out to women and convince them that she understands their lives. And how did her speech writers decide to do this? By pandering to an idea of men and parenting that is fast becoming a thing of the past.
An America where Dad smokes his pipe and reads the evening paper while mom cooks dinner. An America where Dad golfs each weekend while mom does the housework. An America where Dad goes to the office and mom gets the kids off to school, and scouts, and soccer and all the rest of the places that Dad couldn’t find if he had to.
In doing so, Mrs. Romney made it quite clear that she doesn’t understand my life and the lives of millions of other dads who are a primary caregiver for their children. According to CNN and the most recent U.S. Census, some two million men function as the primary caregivers in their families. And that number is skyrocketing. Men are raising children while many women go to the office.
I’m glad Ann hit her speech out of the park. Good for her. But WHAT she hit out of the park was a speech that panders to the idea that men don’t understand caregiving. That men don’t do the “hard work” or feel the challenges of care giving for aging parents or babies.
Here is an except from an article I wrote about being a Stay at Home Dad. The article is titled Babies and the Rebirth of Men. Forgive me for putting myself in quotes but this speaks to the transformation that men everywhere are undergoing. A transformation this is mostly happening below the cultural radar.
“The opportunity to open up my life to my son continues to change who I am, even as he grows and moves out into the world, and eventually away from me. In caring for him and looking after his littlest needs, I have set my feet on a path that has taught me things about myself I would never have known without him. It is a complex process full of dark moments and frustrations.
Ask any parent. Its the tearing down of who you were and the giving over to service and change. It is not a journey for the weak of heart. When I see a mother or a dad collapsed beyond exhaustion on a park bench staring blankly at their kids, I know how they feel. But the process of really engaging in my son’s life for the last six years has taught me one thing that I will never forget.
That who I am inside the boundaries of myself, is only a small part of who I really am. I am defined by what I create in the world in relationship with my son, with my wife, and with others. It’s a lesson that was a long time coming. As men, we can learn this through service to our children and the purposeful setting aside of our own needs. We learn it in the baptism of birth and the long nights and days of care and attention.”
For the two million or more full-time dads, there are tens of millions more who are sharing 100% equally in parenting. Dads who damn well know where the emergency room is. Dads who fully understand what it’s like to care for an ailing parent. Because they’re doing all of it.
When Ann Romney says, “I am not sure if men really understand this…” and “It’s the moms who have always had to work a little harder to make everything right,” I can only respond by saying, Ann, we dads understand sacrifice, caregiving and the happy exhaustion of full time parenting. We understand every aspect of caring for aging parents and attending PTA meetings. We modern dads are not the stereotypical disengaged working men of fifty years ago who dismissed the work that mothers do. We do this work, too and we know it can be an ass whipping.
So, if you don’t mind, please don’t tell us we don’t understand the immense sacrifices of parenting and caregiving. It’s insulting. It’s divisive. And its manipulative.
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Family Relaxing in Living Room from Shutterstock
About Mark Greene
Good points, Mark. And a good example of why this “let’s all return to the family structure of the 50′s” is no good; it’s not what most women want, and it’s not what most men want. It does not at all reflect how we want to live, how we want to be families, relate to out partners,or support our children.
Ann Romney (without intending to) makes it clear that this is not even a gender issue. Lots of men and women are together finding much better ways for their families.
What shocks me most about this article is again how it 100% puts the focus on women. This is supposed to be a site for men, about men and about their stories, but so many of the stories are for all intents and purposes saying that men aren’t important unless we are focusing on women.
It just never ceases to amaze me.
Maybe if you tried reading again you would notice how the article is very much about what Ann Romney’s talk implied for fatherhood. Mark is making the point that the family model A.R. imagines (the family of the 1950′s) is completely at odds with what lots of men want and how they see themselves as fathers.
Mark’s article about men – and about being annoyed with the things A.R. is saying about men.
Here’s my view of the GoodmenProject. Imagine having one person (man or woman) in the local bar tell the rest of us what is appropriate subject matter for conversation… It would be laughable.
Here’s how I think it should work here. If you don’t like what I’m discussing, go to the bar, get yourself a beer, turn to the guy or gal next to you and start another conversation. Change the channel. Turn the page. There are a lot of conversations going on here. That, in my humble opinion, is what the GoodMenProject is about. No subjects are silenced. All subjects are opt in.
OOPS, u are correct, I re-read the article, apologies forwarded to all.
(Removes foot from mouth)
Thanks, John. I know all too well that you didn’t have to say that. I’m often removing my foot from my mouth and I rarely take the time to admit just having done so. So thanks.
Great article. It’s not like men are just come home, heres money, leave me alone to watch tv.
My father was there for me a lot as a kid and until he died when I was 18, he was irreplaceable, our family was like araldite, epoxy n resin, after dad died just like it’d happen if you didn’t have the resin or epoxy our family kinda fell apart. Both mum n dad were essential to our family, it was 50:50 and the lack of either would be and is sorely missed.
No sweat, man. No need to apologize. Thanks for joining the conversation.
“For the two million or more full-time dads, there are tens of millions more who are sharing 100% equally in parenting. Dads who damn well know where the emergency room is. Dads who fully understand what it’s like to care for an ailing parent. Because they’re doing all of it.”
And nobody should be all that impressed by it. It’s just life. It’s what we are supposed to do. I have no idea why they think people should be impressed by non-income earning SAHD’s; it’s something women have been doing for generations, except they actually give birth to and nurse the babies.
Likewise as nobody should be all that impressed by women who makes it big in STEM fields, women who becomes senators and govenors and women who work as welders, builders, firefighters and so on?
I for one think that some admiration is earned by those who goes against the grain (in these cases it’s against gender expectations). I have soem admiration for women who choose not to have children, simply because many of them find that choice is being questioned by many – many of whom it should be no business to do so.
Granted, there is a difference between some admiration and outright putting them on a pedestal.
A while back there was a newspaper article about more and more dad being SAHD and being on the playground with their children. One dad was quoted as saying that they no longer were looked at as something strange and abnormal, they were the new normal. That quote earned him plenty of (in my view) undeserved criticism and snarkiness. SAHD also receive criticism from many angles for their choice – sometimes even criticism for it not being their choice (one definition of SAHD rules out SAHD who are involuntarily without a job hence excludes them from statistics over who stays at home with the children).
“Likewise as nobody should be all that impressed by women who makes it big in STEM fields, women who becomes senators and govenors. . .”
Being a Fortune 500 CEO of a company such as Yahoo, male or female IS impressive – because very, very, very few people, male or female achieve that much. Same with becoming a senator or governor. Those achievements are seriously impressive.
By contrast, being a welder or builder (whatever is meant by “builder”) is impressive in the sense that it’s hard word, male or female.
Being a firefighter, male or female, is different than any of the others. Being a firefighter IS impressive because you risk your life everyday to save that of others.
In response, I would suggest we spend too much time and effort making some work invisible and elevating other work as valued. All work has value. Often the people most vocal about some task or another not being “impressive” have never done it themselves.
“Often the people most vocal about some task or another not being “impressive” have never done it themselves.”
I am not impressed when people fulfill their obligations, particularly obligations that they take on voluntarily, such as parenthood. Caring for one’s family responsibilities, both secularly and domestically, is what parents are SUPPOSED to do.
I have 2 daughters and worked from home for 7 years. During that time, and thereafter, I have done every domestic task for years, both inside and outside the home – and have been either the main or exclusive breadwinner. It’s not impressive; it’s not hard. it’s my responsibility.
co-sign and totally agree Mark.
I listene to Ann Romney’s speech, and when I heard that particular part (the one you quoted), I almost did a double take. Thanks for writing about this!