We actually do know what will get us to orgasm.
Are you trying this and then trying that and finding nothing works to get her there? There’s a strong possibility she actually knows exactly what needs to happen, because she’s had practice masturbating, but is afraid to say so because her path to orgasm has been perceived by other men or the culture at large as bitchy or emasculating. She might feel that bringing a vibrator in bed will make you feel like less than a man, or she might worry that having you eat her out at length is boring for you. So she won’t ask. If you suspect this might be the case, it’s well worth bringing up. But don’t do it during sex, when fear of judgment is that much higher. While you’re sitting on the couch watching American Idol will lower the stakes of this discussion tremendously.
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“Getting there” is more trouble than it’s worth.
This is only true for a minority of women, but when I put the call out on Twitter for women to tell me what they don’t tell men, the women who said this were the most passionate respondents. For women who have trouble orgasming, sex could be fun, but it isn’t not because of their lack of orgasm so much as their fear they’ll disappoint their partners. They find themselves avoiding sex because they don’t want to have to endure endless attempts to bring forth an orgasm that will never come, but they still like to masturbate, even if they usually can’t reach orgasm. So, when you’re having that talk explaining that you’re not going to freak out if she starts speaking up about her needs, be clear that you’re not going to judge her if she’s feeling like orgasms don’t have to be the star of the show every time she has sex.
Many women don’t fake orgasms. But pretty much all women turn the volume up on the ones they do have, because they know you like it. This isn’t lying, but embellishment, and it would be nice if men returned the favor. Sex is no time for masculine stoicism. A little verbal appreciation in the form of moaning and groaning makes a nice two-way street.
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Our bodies are very sensitive when aroused, so err on the gentle side.
When I put the call out for suggestions for this article, this was probably the No. 1 category, with comments like, “That’s a clitoris, not an elevator button.” Nipple-twisting was also denounced, and one woman noted that not every woman is a fan of finger-banging, which can feel rough and sort of pointless. Men who dive at your genitals with their mouths were appreciated for their enthusiasm, but not so much for their technique. Overall, the feeling was that more pressure can be added as needed, but the shock to the system of having someone overdo it can be a major turnoff.
Obviously, every woman is different, and even with these most general of guidelines, you’ll find dissenters. Communication between partners is the ideal. But have some sympathy on women who haven’t read enough self-help books or seen enough therapists to overcome their fear of speaking up. You might find that having patience and understanding will make it easier to draw them out over the long run. To encourage more communication, don’t make faces or act like your ego is hurt when women do push themselves to speak up. It likely took a lot of courage to do so in the first place.
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More from Sex Week at the Good Men Project:
Hugo Schwyzer: Mythbusting Bisexual Men
Emily Heist Moss: Does Size Matter?
Ed Fell: 10 Secrets to Satisfying Sex
John DeVore: Multiple Inches of Love
If you thought that was good—there’s plenty more where that came from. We put out a “Best Of” newsletter once a day. Sign up here.
(Photo via Lady Pain (Marta Manso))
Great article
First, I’d like to say that this, “what men/women want.” BS is getting old. As a modern day self identified lady, I’ve got to point out that this article is not credible and that there are much better ways to find out what your partner wants in their sex life. Yes, I agree that women have been shamed in to accepting a sex life the is not based on their needs. Quite the opposite actually, and it can be quite traumatic to get to a place where sex is liberated and pleasurable. Articles like this one make is so that… Read more »
I just could not depart your site prior to suggesting that
I actually enjoyed the usual inbfo a person supply on your guests?
Is going to be back ceaselesly to check out new posts
I don’t know why any of this is surprising…it’s the same stuff that I’ve seen in sex articles since I was 16. Now I’m 39. In the last 21 out of 22 years of my sexual experiences I’ve not been in the least bit hesitant to talk about this with my partner or anyone else (on a general level) for that matter. I’m not at all interested in being sexually intimate with someone I can’t or won’t talk about sex with.
Some useful generalized info here but not definitive.
I’ve met plenty of women, both friends and lovers, who don’t match the ‘be gentle’ criteria for example. One of my female friends dumped a pal for being too gentle, while a demure ex-lover wanted scarily ungentle things done to her nipples at her peak moments. These things are as unique as the woman. Same for men.
Hey guys who are commenting by questioning the validity of the points, you are proving everything about why this post was written. You are a man, not a woman, so therefore you have no right to question these points which were written based on WHAT WOMEN SAID. Again, you are proving how hard it is for some men to move past misogynistic tendencies.
Yes!
Guys; Here are some VERY important things to remember if you want to be come a great lover. Don’t think about your pleasure , try to feel hers. PAY ATTENTION to how her body responds to each and every touch. Women LOVE the feeling of anticipation… wait for her body to tell you what feels good and then take it away … then come back . If she has to verbally explain to you her needs, it really takes away from her ability to let go. Women can get themselves off on their own ,but they can’t take themselves to… Read more »
Bravo!
THIS wins the internet.
I have never been offended by a woman telling me what she wanted either before, during or after sex. If given the opportunity to be a better lover than I want to be able to make the experience tremendous for her. As a man who has the stamina and can “pound” for an hour I became very aware that most woman do not care for it, the problem that happens is when the man is expected to orgasm, otherwise the woman feels deficient, what a turn off! I could care less if I orgasm, I am there for the journey… Read more »
i see a list article and cringe, arm bells go off in my head MASSIVE GENERALIZATIONS INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!! lets go 1 by 1 shall we. What i have a hard time getting past is that Assumption i would do something i saw in an adult movie, that i can’t distinguish Filmed fantasy from reality, nice. Endurance is Over rated, i know, because some of us don’t have a choice, just like some guys are very fast some of us as very slow, and some of us are VERY VERY slow… it’s problematic really, and it takes a lot of understanding to… Read more »
I just wanted to point out that your comment contains a lot of generalizations.
Ha!
my last girlfriend always told me that I knew how to please her she would tell me that I am always good with my hands and tongue I would massage your whole body download hot oil for an hour or more I would work out the soreness in our muscles then I’d start at the top of her head with my tongue and slowly lick every inch of her body all way down to her toes and suck on her toes then I would turn her over and work my way back up there is nothing in this world that… Read more »
This is probably, for me, the only true article on the internet. The whole time I was reading it, I kept going in my head, “that’s so true!!” I don’t know about other women, but I’ve never had an orgasm during sex, I’ve been down on one time for less than a minute and I don’t feel like I should ever ask anything because when I have, it was denied. I hear there are men out there who like to please their woman…. I kind of chuckle, because I never see it, but if it’s true, men should ask and… Read more »
You just need to be more pushy and persistent about YOUR needs in bed. Sex isn’t for him, it’s for both of you, and if you aren’t getting pleasure out of it what’s the point? Find out what you like and don’t be afraid to go for it, and if anyone shuts you down for it kick them to the curb because they are lame anyways. There is nothing wrong with sex, women liking sex, or giving instructions/guidance on what you like. Why make the most enjoyable act out there unpleasant? You just have to find the right guy who… Read more »
Point number two is usually not true, but feel your way into this slowly.
How is point 2 untrue? Are you a woman who doesn’t mind endless pumping? Didn’t think so, so shut up and don’t try to assume you know what women mind. They said it, so it’s obviously true!
Amazing article, very interesting and helpful. Thank you!
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>> teaching girls from the cradle to coddle the male ego, not just with flattery but with a deep unwillingness to speak truths that could cause men to feel uncomfortable or imperfect. <> the female half of the human race spends an ungodly amount of time and money trying to unlearn passivity <<
And then there are those that enjoy being so. Not in everyday life, but definitely in the bedroom. It's horses for courses.
The article has some correct points. But it's mostly short-sighted PC generalisations. In reality, everyone is different.
Rang mostly true for me.
Even to be passive you need control; you still need to be able to talk about sex, to let the other part know what you like and find someone who minds it enough… and most passive people still want to feel pleasure and reach orgasm. I don’t think the article was talking about passivity in the bedroom ONLY.
Something you missed: I wish men would trim their body hair more (especially if they expect me to go down on them). Hair tickles and feels gross in the mouth. Also: in the genital region it is prone to stinkage.
YES.
YES. [2]
And in the armpit area as well.
Great article ~ thanks so much for posting it!
The most horrific thing I’ve heard from women about what they didn’t tell their men is that for the entirety of their relationship, they never had an orgasm with them during intercourse. Never. Ever. All through dating & marriage. Now they’re bitter & blaming. They’ve been brainwashed to think that their men are responsible for their orgasm. The whole foundation of their sexual relationship is built on a lie. They have years and years of not speaking up for themselves. The time passes, they realize the more they wait to speak up, the harder the news will be, so they… Read more »
“The most horrific thing I’ve heard from women about what they didn’t tell their men is that for the entirety of their relationship, they never had an orgasm with them during intercourse.” Well, most women can’t orgasm with intercourse alone, so that’s nothing new. And many women are also okay with not orgasming during intercourse, as long as they orgasm before or after. You are totally a straight dude, uh? By what you said about “coital orgasms” and now the “everyone is responsible for their own pleasure” we can see it. You see, people are responsible for knowing their bodies,… Read more »
As a lesbian, I am so glad I don’t have to put up with this kind of b.s!
Bet you have. You just don’t want to admit it.
I personally would not feel frustrated for being instructed. In fact, I’ve eagerly asked for it before. And have often been made to feel foolish for asking. What gets frustrating for guys is when the woman they’re trying to please doesn’t know what she wants, but DOES know what she doesn’t. Or the woman who thinks she is putting on a brave face by not making any suggestions, but whose body language shouts “I’m disappointed!” If the guy is someone you’ve been in any kind of meaningful relationship with, he knows you’re disappointed and is probably beating himself up every… Read more »
How about men stop making porn that creates the idea that the male orgasm is what it’s all about? How about we stop with the “cumshots” and idea that men enjoy watching the ejaculations of other men (because that’s just gay, honestly. You can tell yourself it’s not but if you’re getting off watching another man ejaculate, you have some gay issues in there.) Men have historically created the pressure they feel around their penises and orgasms and sexual issues. Men are their own worst enemies.
According to this. I’m pretty good in bed. But i guess I have to be. I last a long time whether I like it or not, and unfortunately that is more of a curse than a blessing. But it also means that i enjoy the journey far more than the end goal. and it also mean I like to try new things.. which bring me to my question to all the women here. How do women feel about analingus? I tried it on two women. One was silent, but seems to enjoy it, the other shied away from me quicker… Read more »
I would say that anything involving anal play is not something you should spring on a woman without knowing how she feels about it first – i.e., ask her if it’s something she likes or is willing to try, instead of just diving down there yourself unannounced. The anal region can be very sensitive, and if a woman isn’t interested in it or has never tried it, it can feel like a massive invasion of personal space to just go for it without prior discussion or permission. Women are going to vary in whether they like it or not –… Read more »
Yeah. I actually do like it, but it needs to be within a relationship or with someone I’m very comfortable. Not really something I want to try the first time that I have sex with someone. There’s a lot of trust involved. It doesn’t make me orgasm, but it’s enjoyable. That’s one woman’s opinion, though. All women’s bodies are different.
Thanks for the replies… I would usually just “dive in” but, you are both right, I will bring the topic up next time first.
It’s gonna be disappointing though when she refuses because of fear of the unknown. Sometimes we have to try something before we realize we like it. I used to refuse to eat the delicious pickled eggplant my mother makes. Now I love it.
Have you ever been fooling around with a women when she stuck her finger in you without any word beforehand??
I think many man who imagine themselves in this situation would be MORTIFIED by having that done to them without permission.
so have you tried it? and did you realize you like it?
I personally don’t like having my anal area touch. It immediately causes a disgusting sensation, like I’m about to fart or something. At best, it feels ticklish, like my underwmear has gotten twisted. So, yes, you should ask first. And if she says she doesn’t like it, don’t keep pushing her to keep trying it.
How is it possible that you thought it was a good idea to put your mouth on an anus of any kind? Do you not know basic human biology and the toxins that live inside and AROUND the anus? Bacteria live on the skin, it’s not a clean area. Unless you like eating feces, and then it’s still unhealthy and unclean and you need a psychiatrist.
Interesting article. Every woman (and man) is different, of course. I’m incredibly lucky and have a man who actually bought a vibrator with me and enjoys bringing it to bed and watching me with it—and who is beyond amazing at cunnilingus, not letting me be awkward about it, like I was in the past. I wonder if there’s also vice versa on the porn thing. Can guys tell when a woman is trying to act like something she saw (or thought she would see) in a porno (or even a movie) to please the guy? My natural reactions to sex… Read more »
http://derailingfordummies.com/
The nail is so pretty.
Best & most inportant comment out of all! 😀 It really is a pretty nail. <3 🙂
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